What Speaks in Darkness
by cosmogirl7481
Summary: "It should have scared me, but it didn't. I shouldn't have wanted it, but I did." Dark and empty. Lonely and unfulfilled. Can two broken souls find connection in spite of their differences? E/B OOC Rated M because there will be sex and it will be hot.
1. Prologue

**~/\~**

_It is a chilly god, a god of shades;_

_Rises to the glass from his black fathoms._

_As the window, those unborn, those undone_

_Assemble with the frail paleness of moths,_

_An envious phosphorescence in their wings._

_Vermillions, bronzes, colors of the sun_

_In the coal fire will not wholly console them._

_Imagine their deep hunger, deep as the dark_

_For the blood-heat that would rudder or reclaim._

_The glass mouth sucks blood-heat from my forefinger._

_The old god dribbles, in return, his words._

_**~Sylvia Plath**_

**_~/\~_**

**Prologue**

I hear them all.

Every single one of them.

Their thoughts.

Their reflections.

Their considerations and contemplations.

~x~

I hear them all and yet with as much as I hear, as much as I am _forced_ to listen to…I see right through them.

They do not meet my eyes that, if they looked at closely enough, would show my fears.

The same eyes that would be perceived as frightening if they took the time to observe.

But they do not.

They will not.

And in the end…that is good.

~x~

Our encounters have no meaning.

Just like my days.

And even more…my nights.

~x~

Dark and shadowed.

Futile and hollow.

Cold and undying.

~x~

I hear them all.

And see none.

~x~

Until…

Until…

Until…

Until I hear nothing.

And finally…_finally_, I see.

~x~

~x~

~x~

~x~

~x~

~x~

And what I see is beautiful.

* * *

**A/N**

*hides*

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some and let me know what you think.

Chapter 1 is ready to be posted and I might just do it tomorrow based on your response.

Much love to Marvar, my beta and goddess-divine. I love you. That is all.

Thanks also to Caren (Nerac) for pre-reading.

And HUGE thank to Rainamd for pre-reading and for also being the person I was talking to when the idea for this fic came to me!

As always, I do not own the characters, but they sure the fuck own me.


	2. It Never Works

~/\~

_It should have scared me…but it didn't._

_I shouldn't have wanted it…but I did._

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 1**

The porch was illuminated by the soft glow of the television as the silver light streamed through the window. The wet air was cold against my face, but not bitter. The quiet night was dark, but not daunting. My ambiguous eyes looked out into the woods beside the house, never landing on a specific destination. I brought the glass that I was holding up to my lips and took a drink when I felt his arms slide around my waist.

"You look like you could use some warming up," he said, his voice dipped in brown sugar and the slightest hint of desperation.

My body tensed immediately and I could tell that he felt it. He took in a deep breath and I could feel his warmth against my neck as he exhaled.

"I wasn't cold," I told him softly, hoping that he would take the hint and wanting desperately to not do this – to not hurt him again.

"Well, maybe you could just use some protection," he said, his voice soft and deep. "It's Halloween after all. And you're standing in the dark by yourself. You don't know what kind of monsters could be lurking in the woods just outside your door."

Turning around and extracting myself from his hold, I smiled at him. He was so much bigger than me. Bigger than anyone else I knew, really. Jacob would have intimidated just about anyone, but I had known him my whole life and I knew the truth. He wasn't really scary at all. Not in that way. He was soft and warm and generous and bright. He was my best friend and I knew that he wished that I was more.

But I just…wasn't.

I couldn't find it anywhere in me to feel like that for him. And the messed up thing…the truly _fucked up_ thing was that I wanted to. I _wanted_ to feel that way for him. I wanted to find him sexy and I wanted my heart to speed up when I saw him. I wanted to know what he felt like over me, under me…pushing inside me. But I didn't. And after twenty-eight years, I knew I never would.

"The only thing I need protection from around here is you," I told him, smiling. "Now, come on. Everyone else is inside."

He looked down at me and I could see his contemplation, the way his mind was working. And as much as I hated doing it, as much as I knew it would hurt me to do it, I forced myself to meet his eyes. They were dark and questioning and so, so familiar.

"Why do you run from it?" he asked, his voice revealing the bitterness and resentment of years of trying and never succeeding. "Why do you run from me? Is it because you're afraid of how you might feel?"

"Jake – please, let's not do this right now."

"You know that's what they wanted, don't you?" he said lowly, causing my breath to catch in my throat in a way that was painful and constricting. "They wanted us to be happy. I could make you _so_ happy."

It took me a moment to steady myself. His words causing my world to shift into a place that I didn't want to be. A darker place. A place that I spent my nights ignoring and my days unconsciously avoiding.

"Stop – just stop," I spat at him. "Forget the monsters that lurk in the woods, the only thing I should be scared of right now is you. _How_…I mean, _why_…why are you doing this? _That's fucked up, Jake_."

His face immediately took on a look of contrition as he backed away. I could see the way his body assumed a position of surrender just as his voice took on the same yielding tone that was blanketed in apology.

"I'm sorry, Bella…I didn't mean to bring that shit up," he started. "It's just…I just…._fuck_, I'm just sorry."

"Save it," I said, turning around to walk back into the house, the screen door slamming behind me.

My two best girlfriends, Alice and Rose, were on the couch finishing a movie. _The Exorcism of Emily Rose_. I had seen it and it was scary enough if you believed in that sort of shit – and I did to some extent. I mean, I wasn't sure if I believed in possession, but I definitely believed in spirits.

"Fuck me," Rose exclaimed. "That scared the shit out of me."

Rolling my eyes at her, I offered her another drink.

"Could we be any lamer?" Alice asked as she stretched on the couch. "We should be at the bar tonight – not that your place isn't lovely." She smiled sweetly and rolled her eyes.

I chose to ignore her sarcasm.

"Fuck you," I said laughing. "Besides, I'm not spending my only night off at the fucking bar. I'll be there every other night this week."

"You wouldn't have to be behind the bar tonight," Rose said. "You could sit and drink with the rest of us."

"We can drink here," I said as I mixed another cocktail. "And anyway, I still have some stuff planned for us to do tonight."

"Does it involve dick in any of us?" Rose laughed and my eyes shifted uncomfortably over to Jacob who was sitting in the old recliner. His eyes were still remorseful, but his true feelings still lingered and burned as he met my gaze.

"No…there will be no dick," I said as my voice faltered just a bit. "But it will be fun if everyone promises to keep an open mind."

"An open mind is never as good as an open pussy, Bella," she said completely seriously.

I wanted to roll my eyes at her comment, but I couldn't. Because on some level, that shit was true. It had been so long since I had felt the release of having someone fuck me. It's not that I didn't have the opportunity because if you wanted to get laid enough, you could do it. I mean, I worked as a bartender and was surrounded by drunk, horny men every night. But I was never into that – you know – people shouldn't shit where they eat and all. But goddamn, it would be so fucking good to just have one night with a man that could actually make me wet…just pound the shit out of me.

It had been too long.

It had been way too fucking long.

Just the thought of that kind of carnal activity made me flush and fuck, I couldn't have Jake thinking it was about him. So, I pushed that shit back and walked over to the antique chest in the living room. In the bottom drawer was what I was looking for. I knew _exactly_ where it was – remembered the _exact_ last time I had used it.

Pulling the box from the drawer, I blew off the light layer of dust that had collected on the top. The letters on the worn box that had yellowed from age stared back at me.

_**Ouija**_

I held the box as if it held something truly important. It wasn't just a board game that I played with in an attempt to achieve some sort of whimsical fantasy. I believed in this. I believed in the afterlife, in the idea that there were spirits and beings. And I knew that even though their human existence had expired – their souls remained. Waiting…seeking out someone to talk to.

"The Ouija board, Bella?" Jacob hissed, standing up and walking over to where I was kneeling. "I'm not playing the fucking Ouija board."

I looked up to meet his eyes, my grip on the box tightening.

"Then leave," I said evenly, the calm of my voice not betraying my slight nervousness. "No one asked you to stay for this and it will work better without you anyway."

"Why will it work better without me?" he asked, his voice as challenging as his irritated and angry posture.

"Because _clearly_, you don't have an open mind."

His eyes were piercing for a brief moment before he rolled them, mumbling something under his breath.

"Fine."

And with that word he turned and left and even though I loved him – even though he was my best friend – I couldn't find it in me to care. It was too much lately. Too hard. I didn't know if it was because we were getting older, but he had been pressing me more and more to be with him. "Just to try," as he would say. But even though there was no one else – even though I wasn't sure there would ever be anyone else – I couldn't stop the one small piece of my heart that hoped that he was out there. Somewhere. And I wasn't ready to settle.

It wouldn't be fair to me.

And it sure as fuck wouldn't be fair to Jacob.

"I wish you would just fuck him and get it over with," Rose said kneeling down in front of me. "Jesus, it's enough already. He might get over this shit if you take him upstairs and pretend to be bad in bed."

"Fuck you, Rose."

"Well, you never know," Alice interjected, joining us on the floor. "It's been a _really_ long time for her. She might _be_ really bad in bed and it's just been _so_ long that she doesn't remember."

We all burst out laughing and it was exactly what I needed to shake off the uncomfortable feeling that was still lingering from Jake.

"I don't know about the Ouija Board, Bella," Alice whined softly. "It's kind of scary. I mean, you're basically inviting spirits into your house and you don't know if they're good or bad…or anything about them at all. Well, except that they're dead."

"It never works anyway," Rose said.

"It will work if we are open to it," I said, trying not to be irritated. "Come on, it's Halloween. We are supposed to do shit like this! What else are we going to do? Bob for Apple-tinis? And we can do it at the table on the porch if that makes you feel better."

"Outside?" Alice shrieked. "You want to do this outside?"

"On the porch," I amended. "It's screened in and I'll even get some candles to light."

"Fine," Rose said, looking at Alice. "Don't be a pussy. This could be fun. Maybe we'll talk to someone that's dead and hot."

I laughed as I gathered a couple of candles from the living room, deciding to also get the tapers from the dining room. I poured a glass of red wine as well to place on the table.

"Dead and hot," Alice repeated. "You mean like James Dean or Clark Gable?"

"Well, I meant Heath Ledger or River Phoenix," Rose snorted. "James Dean is hot, but everyone knows that Clark Gable had false teeth and bad breath."

I laughed at my friends that I loved so much as I headed out to the porch to set up. I placed the candles around the dark space and lit them one by one, choosing to ignore the sounds that were coming from the woods. I was normally not a scared individual. I found that the things that happened in real life were usually scarier than anything that happened in my imagination. Reality was far more frightening than any scary movie.

When the porch was glowing with the soft light of the flickering flames, I took my seat at the old wooden table. I should have gotten patio furniture a long time ago, but I found that I just couldn't let the table go.

He loved this table.

Every scratch and knick and scuff reminded me of a time when he had filled my life…when my life had been much happier.

Rose and Alice sat down as I pulled the old board from the box. I'd had it since I was a child. My mother had given it to me, telling me that it was always better to use a board that was gifted to you as opposed to one that you bought. She said that the spirits responded more openly…more frequently. While I didn't know if that was true, she had never lied to me. So, I chose to believe her words.

I placed the board on the center of the table, making sure it didn't touch the wine placed before the empty seat across from me. I felt the cool of it as I ran my fingers along the surface and I didn't feel anything else…except anticipation. I took the wooden planchette from the box and placed it on the board in the center. Looking at my friends, I asked them if we could all hold hands. I know it sounded stupid, but if a spirit was going to talk to us, we needed to be acting as a unit with a singular goal in mind.

Communion.

Communion with a spirit.

"I'm not sure about this," Alice whispered.

"Are you scared?" I asked, smiling softly at her. "There is nothing to be scared of."

Even as I said the words, I wasn't sure I believed them.

"It's fine," Rose said. "We've done this before and nothing bad has ever happened."

With both of their hands in mine, I spoke quietly again.

"I'll be acting as the medium, but I need you both to relax and open your minds to the possibility that someone – anyone – might want to speak to us."

"What if a bad spirit wants to speak to us?" Alice asked, he voice quivering just a touch.

It was a possibility. It had never been a problem before because as many times as I had done this, not once had a spirit ever tried to communicate. I did my best to reassure her as I closed my eyes and began speaking.

"We are only asking that spirits gentle in nature come to sit with us at this table. We are only requesting the presence and the words of those that mean us no harm."

I felt both of them squeeze my hands a little tighter and the cool night wind blew around us, causing the candles to flicker and dance.

"Beloved spirit, we offer you this wine – a gift to you from life into death. We ask that you would join us…commune with us…move among us…speak to us. We are open, beloved spirit," I said, pausing and listening to the sounds of the night around us – the sounds of our breathing that seemed so quiet. "We are listening."

Opening my eyes, I asked that we place our fingers softly on the planchette…so soft that we were barely touching it. Once we had done that – we waited.

We sat there for what seemed like several long minutes with nothing. No movement, no noise…nothing. I looked at Rose and Alice and they both looked patiently irritated. I asked if we could try one more time and they both agreed, so we joined hands again and I repeated our summoning of the spirits. Placing our fingers back on the planchette, we waited again. This time – after several moments – there was movement.

My entire body stilled as I waited and watched where the wooden piece moved. My heart rate increased as it paused at the letter "B." I looked to Alice and Rose, skeptical that they were moving the piece, but Rose's face gave nothing away and Alice looked terrified.

"B," I said the letter out loud to acknowledge it to the spirit and waited for more movement.

It was then that I got my wish. I sat enraptured as the planchette began to move again, pausing at the letter "O."

"O," I repeated it back, smiling at Alice who was beginning to tremble.

I felt the wood move backwards before shifting back and pausing at the letter "O" again. And then I started laughing in spite of myself.

"That's really funny, Rose," I said, sarcasm dripping from my voice. "Boo. I get it. So fucking hilarious! We're talking to a ghost and the ghost said boo!"

She looked at me shocked for a moment and feigning innocence.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Bella," she said and before I knew what was happening, I felt the wood beneath my fingers begin to move again before stopping on the letter "B."

It took a moment to realize what happened because I was so shocked by the movement that I literally didn't know that Rose had burst out laughing.

"Boo is not as funny as boob, Bella," she said as she laughed even louder. "Come on, don't be pissed. Nothing was going to happen and I don't know what was funnier. The fact that you actually thought someone was talking to us or the fact that Shortie McScared over here was pissing her pants at the thought that a ghost was spelling out boob."

I wanted to laugh, but I didn't want her to know, so I bit down on my bottom lip and willed myself not to smile.

"That's not funny, Rose," Alice cried. "I was really scared."

"Of what?" she asked. "Casper the tit-friendly ghost?"

"You know what?" I told them. "You both suck."

We were all silent for a moment at my outburst and then it happened…we all started laughing and the tension of the moment completely fell away.

"Did you guys want to watch another movie?" I asked, hoping that they really didn't. I really just wanted to clean up and go to bed. The day had been so long and I knew that I would have to deal with Jake the next day.

"No, that's okay," Rose said. "I think I need to get Alice home before the witching hour begins."

"Fuck you, Rose," she said. "I'm not _really_ scared of the witching hour. What time is it?"

I giggled at my friends as I stood from the table.

"It's two-thirty, sweetie. You have a half hour before you turn into a pumpkin."

Rose walked over to me and pulled me into a hug.

"Are you sure you don't want us to stay and help clean up?"

"No," I told her honestly. "I'll be fine. You guys should get home, though. Thanks for coming over and I'm sorry we didn't go to the bar."

"No worries, Bella," she reassured me. "I understand you not wanting to be there. Besides, this was a lot of fun."

I hugged them both at the door and watched as they drove away. I locked the front door and began cleaning up. Once everything was put away and the house was fairly clean, I decided to head to bed. It wasn't until I turned off the lights that I saw the flicker of the still-lit candles on the porch. Groaning, I walked out to the porch.

~x~

~x~

~x~

I stood looking at the Ouija board as it glowed in the soft light. I wondered if they were right. It never seemed to work. Not once. Not ever. But then again, Rose and Alice never really believed in anything supernatural. I sat down at the table and I placed my fingers on the planchette. And I don't understand why, but I simply started talking so low that it was no more than a whisper.

"So, I'm not even going to try to be formal here. I don't know if any of this is real, but…but I'd like to believe it is. I'd like to think that there was a chance that I could talk to…_them_ again. I never…I mean…I didn't."

My eyes started to water and before I allowed the sadness to consume me, I continued speaking to the nothing and the no one that surrounded me in the middle of the night.

Maybe I just needed to talk.

Maybe I just needed someone to listen.

Maybe I just needed someone.

"You know you always think that you'll have time. I'm guessing that if you really _are_ dead…I mean gone, you'd know that. I'm sure that you thought you'd have more time. I'm sure that there were people that loved you the way that I loved them. Even though I never got to…"

The wind whipped around me, blowing my hair across my face and extinguishing all but two of the burning candles on the porch. And it was in that moment that I felt it.

The wood beneath my fingers shifted.

_I felt it_.

And I knew that I hadn't moved at all.

I quickly looked down at the board and there was nothing.

No movement.

Nothing.

Just my now-trembling fingers on the planchette that was standing still.

My heart rate increased and my breathing sped. And I don't know why or what possessed me, but I continued talking.

"I must be crazy now. That didn't really happen. Did it? I'm just tired and lonely and missing them so fucking much."

And then it happened again.

Movement.

I watched, completely entranced, as the wood that formed the shape of a heart began to slide across the board – my fingers still covering, but not touching it. And it was definitely pushing across the surface.

I couldn't breathe…couldn't focus on anything other than the movement. I should have been terrified. I should have run into the house and locked the door.

But I wasn't and I didn't.

There was no fear in me.

There was only fascination and complete and total absorption.

And then, as the wood beneath my fingers stopped on the word "Hello," there was nothing.

Just my breathing and the sound of my own heart pounding in my ears.

"Hello," I said, unsure of whether I was acknowledging the greeting or actually speaking to the spirit. "Are you talking to me now?"

Again, it moved, landing on the word, "Yes."

Taking in a deep breath, I wondered if I was possibly dreaming. I had to be dreaming. This wasn't really happening because as much as I'd hoped that it would, I had been in no way prepared to deal with the consequences of what it meant to be talking to someone that was no longer living.

"Fuck," I whispered. "Am I losing my mind?"

I waited for the movement and when it didn't happen, I didn't know if I should be relieved or disappointed. Settling for a combination of the two, I relaxed a little. It was so quiet outside. There wasn't a sound anywhere. The silence in the middle of the night should have been peaceful, but instead, it felt empty and the emptiness spoke so loudly and said too much.

Blinking back the tears that I knew were forming again, I looked down at the board one more time.

"I really am losing my mind, aren't I?"

And there it was again.

Movement.

Speaking.

Someone was speaking to me.

The wooden heart moved gradually, settling on the word, "No."

"I don't know you, do I?" I asked.

I didn't know why, but I just felt like I would be able to feel if it was someone I knew. There was no further movement and I could only assume that it meant that the answer was the same as before.

"I feel crazy. I guess I just thought I should say that out loud or something. I mean, you have to admit that you would find this crazy. I mean…well, I mean if you were still living."

I sucked in a breath of cool air at my words, realizing what I had just said.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm just a little freaked out that I'm either talking to myself or talking to someone that's…well, that's not really here. You can imagine how either scenario wouldn't really work to my favor. And I'm scared – not of you – well, maybe a little of you. But mostly I'm scared that I don't understand what's happening. Are you hurting? Is that why you're still here?"

Nothing.

I felt nothing.

"You're not hurting," I said. Though it sounded like a question to my own ears.

"I'm Bella," I said softly. "Did you know that? Do you know me?"

The planchette moved beneath my fingers once more, but only for a second before it stopped again. I wondered if I really _was_ moving it unconsciously, but I knew that I wasn't. The wind picked up again, blowing out one of the two candles that were still lit. I felt the now-darker space envelop me as the remaining soft and glimmering light still illuminated the board.

"Are you a woman?"

I waited…and nothing.

"You're a man?" I asked, my voice so low it couldn't even be considered a whisper.

Staring at my hands and willing them not to move because I needed to know…I needed to understand that this was not my imagination. That this was not me, but something else.

Someone else.

And it was in that moment that the wood began to move and I knew where it was going before it paused.

Yes.

"You're a man," I whispered. "What is your name?"

I watched, holding my breath, as the wooden heart methodically and so, so slowly spelled out four letters.

"E."

"D."

"W."

"A."

"Edward?" my shaking voice whispered and as the name fell from my lips, the last candle extinguished. And I said it again – this time in darkness .

"Edward."

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

A/N

*still hiding*

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

Allow me to say that I have no real experience with the Ouija board other than when I play with my girlfriends over martinis on occasion. I might be taking liberties, so please forgive me. I don't want the "Witchboard Police" to tell me what I did wrong. LMAO

Marvar is, as always, who really makes my chapters readable. Truly. I love you so much that I'm almost cheating on Mr. Cosmo at this point.

Thank you to Caren (Nerac) and rainamd for pre-reading. I adore you both so effing much!

Thank you to everyone for the wonderful response to the prologue. Really, I am just amazed by all of you.

As always, I do not own the characters, but they sure the fuck own me.


	3. Darker than the Woods

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 2**

Halloween.

It's almost some sort of joke at this point. It amazes me, really – the way that society has welcomed a night that once was completely dark and pagan and turned it into a holiday to be celebrated. A night where people allow themselves to dress up, masking themselves, and embracing their darker nature, submerging themselves in the shadows of their sub-conscious where they want and feel and need to do the things that they would normally never do.

They want to feel the thrill of fear as it licks across their skin, dancing along the length of their spine as it tingles with trepidation.

They seek it out because on this night – this dark and scary night – it's permissible to want it.

And it doesn't matter that the fear they seek is nothing more than a weak and anemic version of what's real. The real fear that they would suffer…if they knew.

But they don't.

They don't know.

They don't hear.

And they don't see what _is_ real all around them…lying and waiting in the darkness.

I was real.

I was there.

And I was watching.

~x~

I could see her there, standing on the porch to the old house. She looked quiet, contemplative.

She was still…Jesus, she was _still_ so fucking beautiful.

And I – I was still desperate to know – to discern and understand her thoughts.

Even then, even as I hid in the deeper dark of the night because I recognized that she should be afraid – I stood and watched. Forcing everything else away from my mind, I watched and I listened to ghosting of her breath…to the pulsing of her heart. I listened to those things because she was not speaking and because, for the first time, I could not hear the thoughts of another person.

She was slight and pale with translucent skin and silky chestnut hair that fell in thick waves around her shoulders. Her chocolate eyes – that mindlessly gazed into the woods – looked deeper and darker than the night that surrounded us. Her lips were full and looked soft and I couldn't help but take notice as she bit down, pulling the lower flesh between her teeth. And in that moment – that perfectly unsettling moment – something inside me twitched. Something lost long ago. A part of me that had been dormant and silent and sleeping for so long.

There was something about her – besides her mind – that was completely mysterious to me. Something that I couldn't grasp, even if I'd been able to touch her. But I couldn't. So, I stood there, silent and unmoving, imitating her position and watching her. She looked so sad and alone and the part of me that was still living wanted to go to her, wanted to touch her face and pull the lip that she was tormenting from her mouth.

It was then that a man joined her on the porch. He stood behind her, watching her, much in the same manner as me. His thoughts were a muddled combination of need and want, of unfulfilled and almost desperate yearning. I listened closer; irritated by the fact that I had to, aggravated and frustrated that I wanted to. I wanted to hear her name. I could see that his eyes corresponded with his thoughts…in the way he looked at her. It was evident and unmistakable on his face and in his mind. And the look in his eyes shocked me as I recognized it – his thoughts crystallized as he drew closer.

Desire and lust and images of him taking her. He wanted her but I could tell from his thoughts that he didn't know her body. He'd never had her that way. The images he conjured were clouded, hazy. No, he didn't understand her that way...but he wanted to.

Did she?

Did she want him to take her like that?

Absurdly and acutely, the idea of that filled me with a rage I'd seldom felt. I'd felt anger, but nothing like this. Never like this. This was different. This was coming from a place inside me that I'd never allowed myself to go. A place that was deeper and darker than the woods that I was standing in.

She could not belong to him.

She didn't.

She fucking couldn't.

It wasn't just an observation, it was an overwhelming and powerful realization that I had been looking at her the exact same way. And it would have rendered me breathless, if I had been breathing…but I wasn't. And with that realization, my hands that were hanging at my sides, clenched and flexed into fists that strained with the anger and frustration of the damnation of my existence.

I was everything that was cold and death and terrifying.

She was everything that was warm and soft and beautiful.

And even if she was sad and lonely, she was living.

And I…I was not a part of that world.

Her world.

I was torn from my thoughts as I heard the man move. My eyes shot over to him as I watched him slowly approach her. He was nervous, his thoughts giving him away. He was tall – taller than even me – the size of his body overwhelming her slender and delicate form. And as he wrapped his arms around her waist, enveloping her in a tender embrace, the pain that I felt in my own clenched hands was nothing compared to the sudden and concentrated pain that I felt in my chest.

I didn't understand what was happening…why I felt that way. I didn't know this woman. In fact, what I had gathered from the scene playing out before me was more knowledge than I had acquired since the first time I saw her. But I couldn't think about that as I heard the sound of the man's voice whispering in her ear about needing to be warm.

Fuck.

Just another thing.

She told him she wasn't cold and I could read by her body language that she wasn't comfortable. Her point made even more clearly as she pulled herself from his embrace. I don't know why, but I wanted her out of his arms. I didn't want him touching her. He spoke about protection from monsters in the woods and the breath that I didn't need caught in my tight and constricted throat. I swallowed convulsively, trying to push back the underserved longing I felt for this woman that I didn't know and the subsequent anger I was experiencing that another man could touch her.

And I couldn't.

I was the monster in the woods.

She needed protection from me.

She chided with him, but I could tell from the look on her face and the tone of her voice she was uncomfortable. He told her that she wanted him, but she didn't.

He wanted her.

He'd always wanted her.

Images flashed through his mind, his thoughts were unclear and clouded with guilt. He whispered words to her about "them." Only, I couldn't tell who they were. Her reaction pained me as I watched her. He face fell and her eyes watered – and even though I could tell from his thoughts that he didn't mean to hurt her – I fucking wanted to hurt him for e_ver_ causing that look to cross her face.

_What the fuck was wrong with me?_

This woman was of no consequence to me.

But I was still there…watching her…trying to understand her.

And then he said her name as he apologized.

_Bella._

_Fucking beautiful._

_Just like her_.

I wanted to say her name – to say it out loud. But before I could, I saw the fury on her face. She was angry and her bitter words reflected the ire in eyes, but she turned and went inside and I was left still wondering why I cared.

_I didn't._

_I couldn't._

And with those thoughts, I was gone.

As fast as my feet could carry me, I fled deeper into the woods. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. I could not afford to care about this woman. Who was she to me?

No one.

She was nothing.

Even as I thought it, I knew it was a lie. It was me. I was the one who was nothing. I was worse than nothing. As I ran, I tried to get the images of her out of my mind. But I couldn't. She was there…she had been there since the first time I saw her coming out of the bar.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

_It was late or early, depending on how you looked at it. I didn't expect anyone to be out that time of night, but there she was. I wondered if she had heard me, but it became apparent that she hadn't. There was no fear coming from her at all. I watched her as she locked the door and wondered why she was alone. It was a small town, but fuck, she shouldn't have been alone like that. I was so caught up in my own internal questioning that I didn't realize that I couldn't hear her._

_I listened closer._

_Still, there was nothing. Just the sound of her feet against the pavement. In all of my years, this had never happened. There had never been anyone that I couldn't read…couldn't hear._

_And I couldn't hear her._

_Why the fuck couldn't I hear her?_

_She looked down at her feet as she walked, never once looking up until she reached this red, behemoth truck. She looked around as if she were making sure she were alone and in that moment – the moment I saw her face as I stood in the shadows of the dimly lit street – my entire world stopped._

It didn't matter that I couldn't hear her.

I could only be thankful that I saw her.

_~x~_

_~x~_

_~x~_

That was the first night I followed her home.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

Seven nights. It had been seven nights of repeating the same pattern. I couldn't continue to do this…couldn't continue to allow this fascination. I knew it, but as I found myself on the edge of her yard again, I also knew that I was a failure.

There were no sounds coming from the house at all – none from the man and none from the other women that had been there. I couldn't hear anything…especially not Bella.

_Bella._

There were candles burning on the porch and I wondered if she'd fallen asleep. I considered risking it and going over to blow them out, but before I could decide, she walked back onto the porch and stood before a table. She was looking at a board…a Ouija Board. And blanketed in candlelight, she shocked me by sitting down at the table.

Placing her visibly trembling fingers on the wooden piece, she began to whisper. The sound of her voice was haunting and even though she was speaking, her timbre was musical, evocative.

"So, I'm not even going to try to be formal here. I don't know if any of this is real, but…but I'd like to believe it is," she said, the casualty of her words not masking the meaningful tone.

_Was she really attempting to communicate with someone?_

_A spirit?_

_Someone who was not living?_

"I'd like to think that there was a chance that I could talk to…_them_ again. I never…I mean…I didn't."

There was an evident sorrow on her face, her vulnerability yielding a kind of beauty I had yet to see from her.

But she didn't say who _they _were and why…why would she want to talk to them?

"You know you always think that you'll have time. I'm guessing that if you really _are_ dead…I mean gone, you'd know that. I'm sure that you thought you'd have more time. I'm sure that there were people that loved you the way that I loved them. Even though I never got to…"

Her words were so simple and earnest, though tremendously pained. And they affected me so profoundly because the part of me that still felt human recognized her loss.

I hadn't thought of the people I'd loved…the ones who'd loved me in so very long. The years of isolation and my own personal damnation had robbed me of their memory. Feelings of grief that I never allowed myself were momentarily piercing and the wind circled and blew, causing the leaves to pour down around me. It was as if they were crying the tears that I no longer could.

In that moment, something happened. The energy around her shifted and she was tense and looked afraid. She sat there silent and waiting and staring at the board.

Had it moved?

"I must be crazy now," her trembling voice whispered. "That didn't really happen. Did it? I'm just tired and lonely and missing them so fucking much."

I stared at her as she looked at the board, willing her to tell me who it was she missed and why…why she was so lonely.

Her expression was so concentrated, her entire being seem absorbed in the board.

And I stood in complete and total disbelief as the wood pushed across the surface. I could not see where it landed – only knew that it stopped. My eyes shot to her face and I wondered…was someone communicating with her?

The rapid beating of her heart was the only indication that she was still breathing.

She wasn't afraid, but instead looked completely spellbound by what was taking place.

"Hello," she said; her voice quiet yet determined. "Are you talking to me now?"

And I _wanted_ to talk to her…was _desperate_ to talk to her.

The wood moved again and I heard her deep intake of breath. Her body was trembling, but the astonishing thing was that mine was too.

_It wasn't possible._

_It couldn't be possible._

"Fuck," she whispered. "Am I losing my mind?"

And she wasn't…I knew she fucking wasn't. I was a witness to this – this thing that was happening. And thought I didn't understand how, I knew that it was.

_Could she hear me? _

_My thoughts? _

None of it made sense. I wasn't a spirit, though I was certainly dead.

"I really am losing my mind, aren't I?" she asked…but was she asking me?

I focused on her, on her question…and no.

No, Bella.

I was there and no…I knew that this was happening.

"No," I murmured softly. "_No, no, no, no_."

And then it happened again – the wood fucking moved and my eyes were as focused as hers until the movement stopped.

_She could hear me._

"I don't know you, do I?" she asked; her questioning voice calm.

_No, she didn't know me._

She didn't know me and I…I wanted her to. And even though I knew she shouldn't want to know me…wouldn't want to know me if she knew who I really was. I couldn't stop myself from wanting her to.

"I feel crazy," she said. "I guess I just thought I should say that out loud or something. I mean, you have to admit that you would find this crazy. I mean…well, I mean if you were still living."

She took in a deep and shuddering breath. Her expression seemed remorseful, though I couldn't understand what she would have to feel sorry about. I was the one who should feel sorry, but all I could think about was the fact that this – this insane and amazing thing – was actually happening.

_She could really hear me._

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she started rambling. I listened to every word as the sound of her voice filled ears and warmed my body. "I didn't mean that. I'm just a little freaked out that I'm either talking to myself or talking to someone that's…well, that's not really here. You can imagine how either scenario wouldn't really work to my favor. And I'm scared – not of you – well, maybe a little of you. But mostly I'm scared that I don't understand what's happening. Are you hurting? Is that why you're still here?"

_No, I'm not hurting. Not physically._

I was here because I had no choice. That decision had been taken from me so long before.

"You're not hurting," she said, and though it sounded like a question…I was aware that she knew the answer.

"I'm Bella," she said softly. "Did you know that? Do you know me?"

_I want to know you. I've watched you…but I don't. I don't really know you at all._

"Are you a woman?" she asked.

_No._

"You're a man?" she asked, her voice so soft and quiet, but sounding so loud in my ears.

_Yes, Bella. _

_I'm a man._

_Yes, yes, yes._

She stared at the board and I knew that she was waiting. Fuck, I was waiting to see…to see if it moved.

And then…then it did.

"You're a man," she whispered. "What is your name?"

This was the test….this was the one question that she could have asked to ensure that this was actually happening.

My name.

Would it tell her my name?

Could I tell her my name?

_Edward._

_Edward._

_Edward._

_Edward._

I focused on my name, willing her to hear…to know.

And then I watched as the wood began to move.

It stopped and I heard her voice speak my name. And even though it was a question…I was obliterated by the truth that she knew.

_She fucking knew._

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

She sat there in the dark after she whispered my name and I still couldn't get the sound of it out of my mind. I had never longed to hear someone say my name like that. I had willed it to happen. I hoped for it and the feeling of that - of hope - when I hadn't experienced that feeling in so damn long that I scarcely recognized it, completely annihilated me. It fucking broke and buoyed me at the same time. Who was I to hope? Who was I to want anything from this soft and beautiful creature with the broken heart and the wounded spirit?

Nothing.

I was nothing and no one.

She should have been scared. She should never have sat down at that board. And yet, there she was, still sitting there in the darkness. And though she was no longer speaking, the rapid beating of her heart and the shallow intake of her breath said so much. She was scared. Fuck, she was probably terrified. Why wasn't she moving?

I could still see her so clearly even though there was no light around. Her trembling hands still placed on the board. Her eyes were closed and I could almost feel the biting sting of her teeth against her plump and swollen bottom lip. The silence of her mind was a blessing and a curse. For all the times I'd longed for quiet, for peace from the eternal and inane chatter, I needed, was utterly desperate to know what she was thinking.

Was she scared of me?

Terrified?

She should have been.

Slowly, she took her small hands from the board. Quietly, she pulled her knees to her chest and hugged them close to her body. Her eyes opened and she stared out into the night. She gazed in my direction and it was almost as if she were looking at me. I knew that was impossible, but a part of me wondered if she could feel me. Could she feel me the way I could feel her? There wasn't a part of me that questioned the thought that even if I couldn't see her, I would still feel her. He voice, the beat of her heart, everything. It all called to me. And I couldn't understand any of it.

"Edward," I heard her whisper, the sound of my name on her lips again pulling me from my confused and rampant thoughts.

"Bella," I whispered back so quietly that she would never have heard it even if she had been right next to me. But I wanted to hear the sound of her name form on my lips. "Bella."

Her name...just the sound of her name in my ears...from my voice, it warmed me. The sensation both comforting and unsettling. I had no warmth. Just cold and death and an emptiness so hollow that I'd been lost in it. For so long, I'd been alone. I'd wanted it that way. It was my choice - my decision - for there had been no other way. I'd had no home, no place to lay my head. I didn't need it. Especially that.

Unexpectedly a sound tore through my thoughts, cracking open my chest and tearing at my heart.

Her tears.

She was crying...sobbing so softly that no human would be able to hear it. But it screamed at me! The sound of her tears saturating the denim that covered her legs was more painful than nearly anything I'd ever experienced.

Nearly.

But nothing could ever compare that pain. And I didn't understand how this person - this woman - how the sound of her crying could affect me so profoundly.

All I knew was that it did.

My mind fought against every cell of my being that wanted to go to her, to comfort her. There was no comfort in my arms, no warmth in my black heart. I would not be comfort. She would fear me and see me for what I really was - the monster lurking in the woods that she needed protection from. No, I could not go to her because it will kill me a little more to see that fear in her eyes. To see her tremble, terrified that I might touch her. Fuck! Why did I want to touch her?

She choked back a sob, drawing in a deep breath, but I could still hear the sound of her silent tears as they trickled down her cheeks. I could still see the trail of wet that lingered on her skin. She looked out into the night one more time and then with no warning, she was up and she was gone.

I heard the slam of the door as it closed behind her. I waited for the light that should have come from inside her house. I waited, but it never came. Against my better judgment, my feet carried me closer to the house. The depraved need I had to know what she was doing...if she was okay, motivating my action. I listened as the sound her soles carried her up the stairs. Why was she walking in the dark when she could trip and hurt herself?

I listened even closer and could hear the sound of her heart in a room at the front of the house upstairs. I couldn't make out exactly what she was doing, but I heard the muted sound of moving fabric. An image of her taking off her clothes filled my mind and I sucked in an unneeded breath as that image caused my cock to twitch. Fuck. I pushed back the feeling - the unexpected surge of desire that I thought I'd never feel again - cursing myself and what I was. I was nothing better than a sick, fucking peeping tom. I was disgusting and my mind was revealing me to be exactly what I knew she needed to fear.

It was then that I heard the creak of the window as the pane was pushed up and I could see her fleeting form in the moonlight before she backed away. She slept with the window open. This revelation excited and infuriated me. She was alone. There was no one else with her in the old house. It wasn't safe, but she seemed to have no fear. She was an enigma in more ways that I could fathom. The inability to hear her thoughts frustrated me even more. If only I could know what she was thinking. Maybe...maybe I could understand.

But I couldn't.

I realized that in my need to be closer to her and hear what she was doing, I was carelessly standing in the open space of her yard. Even though it was still in the early hours of the morning and there were no thoughts to be heard, it was still stupid of me to be there. My lack of control should have been concerning, but it wasn't. Instead, I drew myself closer to the house, standing behind the large tree in front of her open window. I didn't want to leave.

I simply wanted.

I could hear her as she settled into bed – could hear the soft creaking of the mattress and the shifting of the linens. I focused in on the slowing pace of her breath and the declining rate of her heart. She was tired and I knew that sleep would take her soon.

As I stood there listening, it amazed and bewildered me that as her body calmed and rested, my body did the same. I felt more relaxed, more at peace. I quickly scoffed at the thought that I could have...would even be allowed to understand what peace really was. I was not permitted peace. I had been sentenced so very long ago to an existence of aimless and pointless wandering. Still, I could not deny the sense of comfort that I felt knowing that this woman was resting in her bed and safe.

Only she wasn't safe.

How could she be with me there?

She was open and vulnerable, unprotected and unaware of what waited in the dark.

And what waited, wanting in the darkness…was me.

It wasn't long before her slow, shallow breaths deepened and I knew she was asleep. I should have left, but I couldn't. And I knew that what I was about to do was going to make me even more despicable than I already was, but I couldn't stop myself...had no inclination or desire to do what was right. I just needed to see her, to gaze upon her face when I knew that she wouldn't fear me, to see the delicate lines and curves of her body. I knew that once I did that, my need would be sated and I could walk away.

I would have to walk away.

There was just one problem – she was human. I was practiced and had not taken, had not marred or devoured in so long - but even though that was the truth, I couldn't be sure. Would it be irresistible to me the way that she seemed to be irresistible to me? Would it call to me like a siren? Would it awaken that part of me that I'd beaten and starved into submission?

I didn't know.

I was terrified of the answer.

And still - still I did not stop.

By making this choice, I knew that my need, my probing and selfish want would win. And the thought that her life would be of such little consequence to me didn't matter. A surge of arrogance coursed through me. I could do this - this unspeakable thing - and I would not hurt her.

I simply wouldn't.

At first, I considered climbing the tree and entering her bedroom through the open window. And then I reconsidered. She slept with the window open and I wondered...would she have locked the door? My instinct told me no. She seemed to be so infuriatingly unconcerned with her own safety. So, quickly and quietly, I entered her porch and just like I anticipated, found the door gloriously unlocked.

I let myself in and standing there in the space of her home, I found that what I knew was unacceptable had become consciously permissible to me. I didn't care that I was violating her space. I breathed in deeply, testing myself.

And I was fine.

I took in my surroundings - her surroundings - and found her home to be simple, plain. It was the antithesis of everything that she had shown herself to be. There was nothing simple and plain about her that I could tell. She was complex and with my inability to hear her thoughts, I was consumed with wanting to know what she was thinking.

What made her happy?

Why did she cry?

It was the crying that killed me.

I had never wanted to know these things about anyone.

Anticipation filled me as I walked up the stairs. When I reached the top, I noticed that the door to her room was open, but the one directly across the hall was closed. Quietly, I pushed open the door and looked inside. I could smell the staleness and taste the dust that permeated the space. The bed was unmade and there was what appeared to be a man's suit draped across the foot. It was a bedroom that looked lived in, but I could tell that it wasn't. There had been nothing, no activity, no life inside the space of the four walls for a very long time. And I'm not sure, but there was something about the room that made me uncomfortable...I shouldn't have been there. I shut the door quickly.

Three steps.

Three small steps was all it took for me to be in the room where she was. Biting down on my own hand, I braced myself as I breathed in deeply through my nose. I still not suffer the appeal of her blood. The fragrance in the room was warm and sweet, feminine and musk...and nothing, nothing else.

_Fucking nothing._

Was that even possible? It wasn't. I knew it wasn't. Removing my hand, I took another breath and still...there was nothing. No copper and salt, no venom pooling as the thick, heady scent lured me to my prey.

_Impossible._

She was entirely enticing in another way – a way that was long forgotten. Yet I found that it still lingered in my mind and my resuscitating body.

Focusing, I looked over to her on the bed that was pushed up against the wall in the corner by the window. My eyes took in the shape of her form under the blanket. She was completely covered and her body was facing the wall. She didn't even take up a fourth of the space the bed allowed her. And fuck, I couldn't see her face. I could only see the way her hair splayed across the pillow.

Her face.

I needed to see her face.

I walked to the foot of the bed to try to get a better look at her, but my view was still obstructed. I sighed in frustration without thinking and it sounded so loud to my own ears. I froze in the moment, afraid that I would wake her. She moved slightly, but she was still on her side and I still couldn't see her. There was a small wooden chest beside the bed. A hope chest. I moved as slowly as I could and sat down on it. I watched her, watched the rise and fall of her back as she slept. I wanted to feel sick, I knew that I should feel disgusted...but I didn't. I was not going to hurt her. I just wanted to watch her for a little while longer.

I didn't know how long I sat there. I kept myself occupied by counting the beats of her heart, for that was far better than allowing my mind to consider what it was that I was doing. She was sleeping so deeply and I wondered if she was dreaming…and if she dreamed, what did she dream of? Was it the man on the porch? No, I didn't think so. I willed her silent mind to speak. What was so different about her that I could not hear? Why was she special? I didn't know the answer to these questions. I only knew that she unconditionally was.

And then it happened.

Her entire body flexed and stretched. I could hear the pull of her muscles, the soft sigh that escaped her lips and then she was on her back. I looked at her, unashamed and completely awestruck because she was breathtaking. If I thought she was beautiful before, it was nothing – _not anything_ – compared to her exquisite features up close. Her heart shaped face, the lashes that rested on her cheeks, her parted lips. Without even realizing, I leaned in closer. Closer to her…her beauty…her warmth.

My entire body was trembling with a need I didn't understand. My senses still filled with her fragrance that was intoxicating, though not torturous.

And then…

And then…

"Edward."

It was a whisper, but coming from her voice, it might as well have been a scream.

"Bella," I whispered back, quietly falling to my knees beside her.

She couldn't be dreaming about me…she didn't even fucking know me. She only knew what little information she had from the Ouija board. But still, there she was, sleeping and saying my name. It was my name on her lips.

That had to mean something.

It _all_ had to mean _something_.

Didn't it?

I had to touch her…to know what she felt like. Her soft skin, her womanly curves. She was sleeping so soundly and I could just…I had to just…

Pulling myself up, I laid on the bed, careful not to move her. It was then that she shifted her body closer to mine – almost as if she were pulled to me like a magnet. I panicked for a moment, terrified that I had taken this too far…but even then, it didn't stop me.

Softly, and so, so gently…I wrapped my arms around her. She came willingly into my embrace. The heat of her body burning me even through the blanket and the layers of my clothes.

She was soft and I was hard.

It was wrong – _but she_ – she was _so_ fucking right.

I didn't deserve her warmth. I didn't deserve her sleeping trust. But holding her there in my arms was perfect. It was the most beautiful thing that I could ever remember experiencing.

It was everything I imagined happiness to feel like.

~x~

~x~

~x~

And though I knew it was fleeting, for once – _for fucking once_ – I allowed myself to bask in it.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

Thank you for the overwhelming response to this story so far. I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me – especially since this is such a different story for me to write. And now you know…there will be no scene in this fic where Edward makes love to Bella via Whoopie Goldberg.

Thanks and love and sloppy, wet kisses to my beta and soulmate, Marvar. Your honesty and feedback is so important. You make my words pretty. You really do keep me sane and you definitely keep me laughing. ilysfm! No really, I do.

Thanks to Caren (Nerac) for pre-reading and telling me what this chapter needed. You were right – you always are. That is all.

Thanks to rainamd for pre-reading and being a sounding board in general. You kick ass.

As always, I do not own the characters, but they sure the fuck own me.


	4. Chimera

**~/\~**

_My memories of what just happened were haunting._

_His answers permeated my mind._

_Thoughts of him, of who he was, wouldn't cease._

_And as I lay in my bed with the chill of the night air around me,_

_My body found rest, but my mind…my mind did not._

**~x~**

**~x~**

**~x~**

**Chapter 3**

It's interesting when you think about dreams. The things that we think about when our minds are completely relaxed. The places we go when there is nothing there to influence us…nothing but the ideas and thoughts and life experiences of our own psyche.

I have strange dreams.

Like, really fucking bizarre dreams. The kind of dreams where Mickey Mouse is in your bedroom and he's having tea with the Mad Hatter. Sometimes they're completely random and funny, usually because I drank too much or didn't get enough sleep the night before. But then there are other times when darkness and pain fill my dreams – dreams of trying to open the door – and I just can't.

Not even in my own imagination.

This dream was different.

I was having the _most_ amazing dream.

I was having the most amazing and _almost_ erotic dream.

Strong arms were holding me as the whispering of cool air sent tingles across my skin. It was the feeling of affection…of safety and comfort blended with something…something else. I pressed myself in closer to the soothing source. Everything about it felt warm except it wasn't. My body felt soft and relaxed, yet as I attempted to move closer still, I found that what was making me warm was actually cold – what felt so yielding was actually firm.

"Bella." My name was a wisp of nothing as it blew across my face.

The same strong arms pulled me closer, tighter. And I loved the feeling of being held in the embrace – though unfamiliar – it was entirely right. I had never felt anything like it. I had never experienced the feeling of that much security. Well, never in my adult life.

It had to be a dream.

It had to be a dream because I could feel him, but I couldn't see him. His fragrance surrounded me. He smelled like the beach in La Push during winter…fresh and clean and cold, with hints of earth and a subtle smokiness that was reminiscent of a bonfire. No matter what I did, no matter how much I focused – he was completely obscured in my mind's eye. I couldn't see…I could only feel. And he felt – fuck, he felt so good.

I needed to see…needed to know who was making me feel this way.

I focused as hard as I could on the feeling that surrounded me. The arms, the hands, the breath…the voice. All of it was wonderful. All of it was the absolute most wonderful, fucking thing I had ever experienced.

And then it happened.

My eyes opened and I could see him.

It was dark, but I could still make out his features in the soft light of the room. His face was beautiful. The sharp and angled line of his jaw. The full and perfect pout of his lips that were opened slightly. His skin was pale…even in the darkness. I couldn't tell the exact color of his hair in the raven cloak of night, but I could see the beautiful mess that it was on his head, right down to the strands that were hanging over his eyes. And when my eyes met his, I gasped because even though I couldn't see their color – I could see that they were piercing and swirling with emotion. He was – he was beautiful. In fact, he was the most beautiful man I had ever, ever seen.

Yeah, this was a really good fucking dream.

He stayed completely still and it wasn't until I realized that he wasn't moving that I saw he looked stricken…terrified. And I couldn't ascertain why he would be scared. I wasn't scared and I was in bed with a ghost…a really fucking beautiful ghost, but a ghost nonetheless. The whole thing seemed surreal. Nothing as beautiful as him could ever exist in reality. It had to be a dream…just unlike any other dream I'd ever had.

"You're him, aren't you?" I whispered, not knowing why, but knowing that he was. It made sense that I would dream of him – his thoughts had been the focal point of my mind as I'd drifted to sleep. "Why are you afraid?"

He looked at me – still saying nothing. He wasn't even breathing, but I could still see the look on his face – still feel the tension in his cold body. His temperature registered somewhere in my sleeping mind, but he would have been cold. He wasn't really there.

"Don't be afraid," I whispered again, bringing my hand up to stroke his rigid jaw. "Please, don't. There's no reason to be afraid, Edward."

A gust of his breath blew across my face and I marveled at how something that felt so arctic could warm me so completely. I brought my thumb down to stroke the silk steel of his bottom lip. He whimpered and that sound – just that sound – made me feel things I'd never felt. Longing and need and desire and lust. The texture of his lip was unlike anything I'd ever felt before…different from anything I could have imagined. I was captivated by the feeling of his lip, but that was nothing compared to the overwhelming sensation of his tongue slipping out and licking my thumb before he closed his lips around the tip.

My eyes dragged back to his and they were still scared – still scared and unmoving, but entirely dark and clouded with desire. My entire body flushed from the need I saw that mirrored my own – my heart hurt from the fear that I didn't want to see there. The fear that I didn't understand.

"Please," I whispered again. "Please don't be afraid."

I pulled my thumb from his mouth, surprisingly delighted by the way that it tingled as the night air touched the moist skin. I traced it down to the cleft in his chin before cupping his face with my fingers.

"Bella," he murmured, his voice rasping. My entire body shivered at the sound of my name from his voice. No one – not anyone – had ever said my name with such tenderness. "You don't know…you don't…you don't want…"

"Shhh…" I whispered. "You don't know…you don't know what I want."

It seemed strange, even in my dream state, that he would question me. And I wondered if that wasn't just me questioning myself – my need – my own desire to be with him there like that. But I didn't understand it. He was desirable. He was, _quite literally_, the man that my dreams were made of. Even though I'd never seen him and he was a product of my imagination – there was still something about him that seemed so _real_…so _exactly_ made just for me.

_I never wanted to wake up._

I brought my other hand up to his face, stroking his jaw with my fingers, running my thumb along the line of his eyebrow. His eyes closed and I don't know where the courage came from, but I gently pressed my lips to the delicate lids that looked lavender in the moonlight.

"Wh-what do you want?" he asked softly, though I could hear the underlying tension in his voice. "What are you doing to me?"

I pulled back, our eyes lining up and I looked at him, wanted him…even if I didn't know why I did or where he came from.

"What do you want me to do to you?" I asked, my voice thick and possessing a rare confidence and filled with so much desire that I barely recognized it. "Why are you here?"

"I…I-I don't know…" he whispered. His eyes were wild with an emotion that I couldn't place. "I shouldn't have…I mean….I-I shouldn't be…fuck," he growled – he actually growled – before a look of horror followed immediately by remorse covered his still-exquisite features.

I should have been scared, but there was no fear in me. Somewhere in the hazy and still-sleeping part of my mind, I knew that I wanted this…that this felt right even though not a single part of it was sane.

"It's okay, Edward," I told him. "It is…_Edward_, isn't it?"

His eyes were intense as he looked at me and it didn't escape me that even though he seemed nervous – more nervous than a figment of my imagination should be – he never once let go of me. He continued holding onto me so gently; it was almost as if he was afraid that he would hurt me. But something told me that he wouldn't. I don't know what it was…I couldn't explain it. But honestly, there wasn't much that I could explain from the events of the night. Both, before I went to sleep…and after.

"How do you know who I am?" he asked softly. "What…I mean, how…how do you know me?"

I turned his words over in my mind and I wondered if I really knew the answer. I didn't. I didn't know how I knew it was him.

"I just…Edward, I just…I just do."

There was a relief in his expression, but it was combined with a pain I still couldn't identify. When he'd spoken to me on the porch, he told me he wasn't in pain. He'd said no. So, I pressed him further.

"How could I hear your thoughts?" I asked. "How were you speaking to me through the board? And if you're…_dead_…" I said, the word difficult to articulate for reasons I didn't have the time to explore. "If you're dead, why…why are you here with me? Why me?"

My hands were still on his face. His skin was so smooth…so, so soft. But there was something different about it, too. It felt different than my flesh – different, yet somehow, it still felt the same. And he was cold, but it was a different kind of cold. It was the kind of cold that left a white, tingling burn underneath my fingers that were still touching his face. The kind of burn that made me want to further explore the rest of his skin.

I couldn't explain it. And I found that I really didn't want to. I didn't need a rationalization because I knew…there was nothing rational about it. What my dream lacked in lucidity, it made up for with what appeared to be the culmination of everything I'd never allowed myself to dream about before.

"I don't know," he finally offered quietly. His voice was smoother and softer than the sheets that wrapped around me. "I just know," his eyes looked directly into mine. "I just know that you…you are, Bella. You…you're different."

There was a sincerity and vulnerability in his voice that begged for me to comfort him. But a fear lingered in his eyes that told me that he was frightened of what he was silently asking for. Ignoring his confliction, I cupped his face, bringing both of my thumbs to the dip in the center of his top lip. And I traced the sloping lines before settling and pressing them into the bottom.

"How am I different?" I asked.

I could feel him breathing as the air pulled through my thumbs. His breath was sharp, but his eyes had softened.

"You just are," he said, his lips moving against the pads of my thumbs and I briefly wondered what it would be like to feel them move against me…my lips…my body. "I don't think…I just can't explain it."

"You're different, too, you know," I whispered, unconsciously moving closer to his face.

"I know," he agreed and there was so much sadness in those two words that I just couldn't help myself.

I just couldn't.

I removed my fingers, my eyes never leaving his and I pushed back every single reason not to – because the reasons didn't matter – and I kissed him. At first my lips were gentle as I pressed then sucked his bottom lip. I ignored the way his body tensed and the way his lip felt so cold inside my mouth. I wanted to close my eyes, but _his_ eyes were still open and I didn't want to break the connection that we had. I moved to his top lip and then tentatively, my tongue slipped out, sliding across his skin.

His eyes were terrified and I wondered if I should stop, but I couldn't. Something told me that he needed this even more than me. And there wasn't a single molecular part of my being that wasn't screaming for this to happen…for this to continue. He groaned into my mouth – a sound so erotic and deep, it nearly crippled me. And then it happened. I could feel the moment that he gave into the kiss and I felt his lips move against mine.

_Softly._

_Searching._

_Ghosting._

His kiss was nothing more than a phantom of what I wanted it to be. A shadowy replica of what I could feel he was capable of, but then…even then, it was the most passionate, most intoxicating thing I'd ever felt.

He moved his hand from where he was holding me at my hip, mimicking me and cupping my face. Pulling back, he searched my face and eyes. My heart was pounding in my chest and I wondered if he could feel the throbbing beat. _I wondered if I could feel his. _

"I can't give you what you need," he said, his rasping voice as tormented as his eyes. "I can't be…_the person_…that you deserve."

"Please don't," I whispered. "Please don't make assumptions about me when you don't know who I am…or what I deserve."

"You don't know…" he started. "What I am…what this means."

"I don't," I agreed. "But I know that you found me…talked to me…came to me…_to my bed_."

"I…I shouldn't have."

My whole body stilled at his words and in my sleeping state, I had a chilling moment of lucidity. Even in my dreams – even in this illusion of my own imagination – I was the undesirable one. I wasn't enough to make him stay.

He would leave.

_They always left._

_My dreams were no exception._

"You shouldn't be here?" I asked, repeating his words back to him. "You…you don't want me?"

Embarrassed, I pushed myself up, pressing against his chest until I was on my knees, resting on my heels. He followed quickly behind me and it wasn't until he gasped, that I realized the blanket and sheet that had covered me had fallen to my lap, exposing me from the waist up. One of the benefits of living alone was having the freedom and privacy to sleep in as much or as little as you wanted. I chose to sleep in nothing and now…now my previous embarrassment had elevated to full-blown mortification.

I reached down to grab the covers and pull them up, when his trembling, but strong hands stopped me. His eyes were hungry as he looked at me and I felt my entire body flush as I warmed from his apparent desire.

_Did he want me?_

_The same way that I wanted him?_

"You…you think that I don't want you?" he asked, his voice huskier than before. The sound of it wrapping around me like raw silk. "How could…you are…_fuck, Bella_."

Reaching out a trembling hand, he ran his finger along the length of my side, curving slightly along the slope of my stomach. His finger left a trail of fire and ice in its path and every nerve ending in my body was alive and deliciously on edge. No one…no fucking one had ever made me feel like this. This – this was what I never thought existed. This was the reason that Jacob – even though I loved him – would never be enough.

He watched his icy hand as it touched my fevered skin and I brought my own hand to his chin, pushing up and forcing him to meet my eyes.

"Do you?" I asked, pleaded really, desperate to know. "Want me, I mean? Do you, Edward?"

He looked at me, his head tilting sideways as if he were trying to puzzle me out…as if I were the mystery. There was nothing remotely mysterious about the way that I was open and unclothed…yet there he was gazing at me as if I were the one that was that was shrouded by a veil.

I wasn't hiding from him.

I wasn't even hiding from myself.

With no uttered words and no other indication, I felt both of his chilled hands against my sides, my skin. His eyes never left mine. Open palms that were steely, yet with softer skin that I had ever found on any other man – not that there had been so many to touch me this intimately. He pushed them up and I could feel them shaking, trembling. I barely felt them at the underside of my breasts before I felt him cup them wholly. Tearing my eyes away from him, I looked down as he seized and fondled them, feeling their fullness and weight.

My breasts had never looked so beautiful.

"Does this feel like I don't want you?" he rasped.

"No," I whispered, panting from the accelerated beat of my heart. He'd literally left me breathless. "No, it doesn't."

And then his lips were crushed to mine and I felt the full weight of my breasts fall as his hand found purchase in my hair. And the moment that he kissed me, I closed my eyes – the feeling of his lips against mine causing the colors of every single autumn twilight to explode behind my lids.

It was beautiful.

He was beautiful.

And I…I felt beautiful for having experienced it.

His tongue slipped in my mouth – almost carefully – and laved against my own. He tasted unlike anything I could have ever expected to imagine…like sweet tea with mint, all cold and satisfying. And fuck, I was so thirsty. I drank him, breathed him until I was gasping for actual air. I had to pull back and his mouth pressed against my neck. Our bodies trembling with so much desire, I almost expected him to bite me…but he didn't. He kissed and licked me softly.

"Your taste, Bella," he murmured against the shell of my ear. "It fucking kills me. I've never…it's never…"

"Me either," I agreed, my voice breathy and low. "I…I want this, Edward. So much."

He moaned and I could feel the reverberation of it like thunder in his chest. He lowered his head as he kissed this skin of my neck, his tongue pausing and pressing over the dip in the hollow of my throat.

"Fuck," he hissed, and I could feel the force of his breath against my skin.

He murmured something about his name that I couldn't understand, and pulled my hands back to his face, silently beseeching him to look at me. When he did, his eyes were wild.

"What did you say?" I whispered. "I couldn't…I mean, I didn't understand you."

He stared at me, bringing his fingers to my lips, touching and tracing like I'd done to him before.

"You mouth is so beautiful," he told me softly, but there was an edge to his voice that tore into the velvet texture. "It's just…just the sound…I-I've never…say it again."

"What?" I asked, willing to do anything…say anything.

"Say my name," he said. "Say my name again and…and tell me that you want me."

"Edward," I said softly, looking in his eyes, not thinking about why he wanted me to say it. "Edward," I said again, deeper and more assured than before. "I want you…I do…I want you."

He breathed in deeply through his nose as if he were smelling the air around us. His hands moved to my bare shoulders, casing me to shiver from the contact.

"I want you, Edward."

Lifting up on my knees again, I felt more confident and possessed more grace than I was accustomed to – the understanding that this was all a dream, making me bolder, surer. Edward's hands slid down to my hips and rested on the swell of flesh as he looked up at me. I watched as he slowly looked down, taking in every inch, every curve of my body that was now fully exposed to him.

"Edward," I said it again ignoring the confliction I saw in his eyes. "I want you."

"You don't know what this means," he told me, his voice so thick and jagged, it almost sounded broken.

My entire being connected to that voice…because I understood _broken_ far more than anyone could ever imagine. I recognized and grasped onto it for everything that it was. I was broken…had been broken for so long. But there in front of him, bare and unguarded, I could find no shame or inhibition to hide behind. And for the first time – in such a long time – I knew what it was like to feel whole.

_Even if it was just an illusion._

"You don't know what you're saying…what it is that you're asking for," he continued. "You need to know…"

"Shhh…" I hushed him by kissing his lips, unwilling to listen to another reason not to do this. "I understand, Edward…and I want you."

Sliding my hands down my body, I placed them over his, linking our fingers together. Without another word and just the connection we had with our eyes, I pulled his hands up, gliding them over my skin and helping him to explore me. His hands trembled under mine, causing my stomach to flutter. His touch alone was enough to ignite the forgotten desire within me. And the fact that he seemed so nervous and careful made me feel like the flame beguiling the moth.

_I had never been the fire._

_And yet with him, I burned._

I wanted to kiss him again, to taste his sweet tongue, to suck in his cool breath, but I sensed that he needed to do this slowly. And so I allowed him to continue his exploration with my need growing with every touch…my desire building with every caress.

It wasn't until he reached my breasts again, that I felt him grow more assertive. Taking my hands from his, I placed them on his shoulders. We broke eye contact for the first time as both of us looked down and watched as he gently, but deliberately touched and massaged them. His thumbs flicked over my nipples and I heard myself gasp as he slowly and painstakingly lowered his head and brought the flesh into his mouth.

His mouth on my skin was the only thing that could have surpassed his touch. And once I felt it…I knew that I would never – _not ever_ – get enough. The sensation was beyond sublime. I expected to find humid and sultry heat as he sucked my textured peak, but instead I was seduced by the tingling, wet cold of his tongue that flicked and licked and made me cry out.

It was everything…and not enough.

I wanted to feel his tongue everywhere.

His eyes shot to mine at the sound of my cry.

"Are you alright," he whispered, his concern evident in his voice. "Did I hurt you?"

"Are you kidding?" I responded breathlessly. "That was…you are…fuck, that was amazing."

He reached out and pulled me flush against him, holding me in his arms. The moment was tender, intimate. I kissed his neck softly causing him to moan.

"You don't know what you do to me," he whispered against my hair. "I shouldn't be here…shouldn't want this…but Bella, I do."

I wrapped my arms around him tighter, willing his anxiety to go away.

"I want you," he whispered again.

Pulling back, he looked at me once more before scooping me up in his arms with such ease that it should have startled me…but it didn't. I felt nothing but secure in his presence. He laid me down on the bed and looked over me…my entire body flushing under his stare. When he reached my eyes, I saw that his were darker than the night that still shrouded us.

"There are things you should know," he murmured, hovering over my face. "Things I should tell you, but I can't."

"I knew everything I needed to know," I told him. "The moment I felt your arms around me."

"That's not true," he rasped. "I don't want to hurt you, but I can't stay away."

~x~

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"Then don't."

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A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

The response to this story has been overwhelming. I am fail at review replies, but I promise, I am trying to do better. You guys are the reason I do this. Thank you for all of your encouragement and support.

As always, love and thanks to Marvar, my beta and the Chandler to my Monica. Thank you for being wonderful and god-like in your amazingness. Thank you for answering random questions via text message at all hours of the day and night. And thank you for making me smile and laugh on a daily basis. I love you so hard!

Thank you to Caren for pre-reading and literally making this chapter so much better. Thank you for your time…and most of all, your honesty.

Thanks to rainamd for prereading this in waves as the words come to me. You are awesome! Enjoy your vacation.

Thank you to RoseArcadia for making the blinkie for this story and for posting a lovely and squee-inducing review for it on her blog. You are supremely talented and I am so grateful that you offered to do it. You can find the link to her blog on my Author's page.


	5. The Black of Night and Morning Light

**~/\~**

~x~

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~x~

**Chapter 4**

"I don't want to hurt you, but I can't stay away," I whispered, hating that it was the truth, but unable to deny the absolution of it.

_Especially to her._

She looked at me for just a moment. Her deep, beautiful eyes were wide and expressive. It didn't matter that her mind was silent to me because her eyes and body had spoken so loudly and communicated so much.

"Then don't."

My own mind reeled and teetered on the edge of torment and ecstasy, pretending briefly not to know which way I would fall.

But the truth was, I knew.

I had known long before that moment. I knew the moment she opened her eyes so unexpectedly that it terrified me. It scared and astonished me, not only because she was awake, but because I had been so absorbed in what it felt like to hold her that I'd overlooked every indication of her kindling consciousness. I knew the moment that her eyes met mine and I wasn't greeted with horror and disgust. Instead, she received me with openness, comfort and the staggering understanding of who I was. My name was on her lips, not dreaming, but awake and alive. She told me – the monster that had violated her sleeping and beautiful trust – not to be afraid. And I knew what I would choose the moment that she told me she wanted me…wanted this.

I would choose ecstasy and I would fall.

I would fall gloriously into her beauty, her desire and the warmth of her naked and perfect human body. There was no threat of damnation to stop my wretched act. I was already damned. Only my hell wasn't one of flickering flames and fiery affliction. My torture was a cold and vapid living, absent of warmth and color...and undeserving of love. But for the first time in sixty-six years, I didn't feel damned.

It felt like heaven.

_She_ felt like heaven.

She took a deep and shuddering breath, licking her naked lips as if they were thirsty. Her body lay open and trusting and so fucking beautiful beneath me. Her perfect skin was pale and muted, yet it shimmered in the light of the opalescent light of the moon. Her breasts were full and womanly like the roundness of her hips. Every curve and line that I regarded acted as a reminder of the things that I didn't deserve…but would still take.

I placed my hand on top of her heart, feeling it pulse underneath me – the feeling of her warmth seared into my skin. I still couldn't understand how I could hear her blood – _could feel it flow underneath me_ – but I could not smell it. Her body trembled beneath my fingers and I looked at her face, still shocked and amazed that there wasn't a trace of fear there.

"You are so beautiful," I murmured, leaning down to kiss her lips, every part of my mind trained on softness. I couldn't hurt her. "How can…how do…why do you want me?"

"I don't know," she whispered, her voice wrapping around me, pulling me closer, deeper. She brought her hands up to my face, stroking my cheeks before sliding them through my hair. She gripped it tightly, but to me, it was nothing more than a suggestion of what she intended me to feel. "I just…I just do. Why do you want me?"

I was flooded with a thousand thoughts. The limitless expanse of what my mind was able to process overwhelmed me. Every single reason that I could have for wanting her…every single understanding of what she did to me, what she willingly offered me. Without any further thinking, I began to list why as I kissed the different parts of her again and again.

"_Because you're beautiful."_

The flushed pink of her cheeks.

"_Because you heard me."_

The soft skin of her forehead.

"_Because I can't…I can't hear you."_

The curve of her neck.

"_Because of the way you look at me."_

The undulating rise and fall of her chest.

"_Because holding you here in my arms makes me feel like this is where I am supposed to be…even though I shouldn't."_

I said too much.

She made me want to say too much…to tell her the secrets that I carried with me.

I met her eyes once more, needing desperately to see the acceptance that I hoped I would find there. Needing it in spite of how undeserving I was. And just like I expected…just like I fucking expected…it was there.

I covered her mouth with mine and she tasted like honey and rain. It was so sweet and pure and everything I never knew I could experience. I lapped at her bottom lip, careful not to graze the swollen soft of her skin with my teeth. Her lips were hungry, but she was the one who was feeding me, filling me with so much passion and desire that I could feel my body tremble with it.

This was a different kind of lust.

It was different and yet I knew that it was just as consuming.

I breathed her in like air; only I didn't need air…I needed her. She made her own needs known as she pulled her hands down my chest, dragging them along my stomach. I shuddered convulsively under her touch. She grabbed at the hem of my shirt, her eyes meeting mine in an unspoken question, but I wanted to hear her. I selfishly needed to hear her articulate to me the depth of her desire again –that she really wanted me to do this. Because I still couldn't believe it.

"What?" I whispered, placing my hand on top of hers. "Tell me."

"I'm naked," she breathed.

"You are," I agreed, kissing her softly on her lips, her face. "You already were."

"I want you to be naked, too," she said, sliding her hot hand underneath the knit cotton of my shirt. It might as well have been fire as the sensation coursed through and burned me. "I want to see you, Edward. All of you…over and under me. I want us to be naked together."

A feral growl ripped through my chest at her seductive words…her soft and husky voice. I couldn't stop it. I frantically met her eyes and still there was no fear. Her eyes were wide and wild and needing. And I wanted to be the one to give…the one to take.

She would be my undoing.

I pulled my shirt over my head, unable to ignore the fact the she – this exquisite, amazing woman – was looking at me as if I were something to be desired. Her hands drifted across my skin like a breeze, yet I knew she was that she was being forceful.

"You're beautiful," she whispered. "_You're_ the one that is beautiful…p-perfect."

But I wasn't.

I was everything that she should fear.

_Why the fuck wasn't she afraid? _

"I'm not, Bella," I whispered. "You don't know…you don't know."

"I do…you are."

I followed her eyes as she looked down and I felt her hands on the metal buckle of my belt. She pushed and pulled until it was open and I had to force myself to calm down. I was overwrought with my need for this and terrified that in my delirious and almost frenetic state, that I would hurt her.

_What if I hurt her?_

_I couldn't fucking hurt her._

Her fingers slipped into the denim waist of my jeans, her thumbs pressing on the button. She took in a deep breath and the warmth of it washed over my bare chest that hovered above her. My own arms trembled, not from the insignificant weight of my body, but from the truly meaningful understanding of what was about to take place if I allowed it.

She was allowing it.

She made it permissible.

"Please," I whispered. "Please."

"Yes…" she breathed. "God, yes."

She pushed the button through, the denim opening easy under her fingers as if it too were pleading for her touch. I could hear every single ridge of the zipper as she slid it down. It screamed at me – the same way my body cried out at the thought of not just someone, but _her_ finally touching it. I had never wanted someone else's touch. It was a luxury that my existence had never afforded me.

_I wanted her touch._

_More than I'd ever wanted anything._

I wanted to know what it was like to feel her whole and naked body pressed against mine. I wanted to know what it would feel like to have my fingers slip inside her. I wanted to know the way she tasted on my tongue. Was her sweat just as sweet as her lips?

She wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling herself up to meet me. She kissed me again, this time with more passion and fire than before. I returned her kisses, meeting every brush of her lips and every sweep of her tongue with my own.

"Please," she said, biting down hard on my bottom lip. "Please….it's too much…I need to see you…to-to feel all of you."

"Yes," I hissed as I fell to the bed beside of her.

I reached down to remove my pants and her soft hands stopped my movement. She kneeled beside me, placing a kiss on my chest.

"Please, let me," she murmured. "I want to be the one that does it."

"Fuck," I rasped. "Anything."

And I meant it. I would allow her anything…give her anything.

I raised my hips as she removed my pants, her hands leaving a searing trail of fire as they touched my skin. My cock sprang free and for the first time in so fucking long, it was weeping with the thought of someone else touching it…tasting it. My mind spun at the thought of her mouth on me…kissing me…sucking me.

_Would she want to do that? _

There was nothing that I wanted more than to taste her.

To taste and lick and suck and kiss that secret part of her that was still hidden from me. I had not seen her _there_ yet…and fuck, I wanted to so much.

He eyes grew large as she took me in. Gasping my name, she stared my sex that was so fucking hard it was almost painful. I had to force myself not to take it into my own hand.

"It's beautiful," she whispered. "Just like you. I want to…I mean…I want to touch it…I want to touch you."

Her words ripped through me and once again, touched the static, black of my silenced heart. I couldn't understand why…why the fuck this perfect creature would want me. But she was there, naked and magnificent and perfect in her beauty.

"Then touch me," I breathed. "Please, Bella…please, touch me."

The vision of her moving over me was powerful enough to shatter the stone of my body. I felt blessed in that moment to be able to capture and appreciate every part of her form. She settled herself on my thigh and I could feel the hot and wet of her arousal as she basted my skin. The smell of her sex – her desire for me – pervaded my senses that were all so completely heightened, deliciously on edge and trained on every perfect part of her.

Fuck, she was dipping.

For me.

Because of me.

I wanted to consume her.

I wanted to eat her alive.

"Your cock is beautiful," she whispered, grasping the base of it in her hand. "So fucking beautiful."

The sensation of her heat was maddening and my entire body shuddered as she swept her thumb over the head. I almost came from the feeling of that alone.

"What the fuck are you doing to me?" I softly cursed as she continued her movement. "Why the fuck do you want this?"

"Because I do," she whispered and I could feel the dewy heat of her breath as it covered my aching cock. "Because you're beautiful, Edward. This…" she said, squeezing me. "This is beautiful…and I want to taste it."

And I could not say no.

There were no other words spoken. I held my breath and steeled myself as she lowered her head, opening her mouth and taking me in. It was heat and wet and sucking fire as the flame of her tongue licked and burned and melted my ice. I felt like I was dying and living for the first fucking time. And it no longer mattered – my life or my death – as long as either was spent with the woman above me.

"Fuck, Bella…oh god…oh…oh…" I rambled incoherently, unable to form thought.

My mind suspended in this heaven and hell, where the pleasure she gave me was equally powerful as the need I had not to thrust in her mouth.

_Don't move._

_Don't move._

_Don't fucking move._

I came undone the moment I felt her rub the sweet slick of her skin against my leg and I begged her to stop.

But she didn't.

She looked up at me, holding me in her hand, sucking me harder and taking me deeper until she was swallowing me down as I filled her hot, perfect mouth. The pleasure I felt – _the pleasure she gave me_ – was nothing compared to ecstasy I found when I looked into her eyes.

I had never known joy.

Until that moment.

I sat up, pulling her to me, holding her chest against my chest and feeling her heart pound so strongly that it almost made me feel like my heart was beating, too. I covered her mouth, kissing her deeply and moaning her name as I tasted myself on her tongue. Foreign and unknown emotions flooded me for this woman…this fucking perfect and broken woman that I didn't know, but I wanted to.

I wanted to know everything about her.

I wanted to know what broke her and I wanted to piece her back together.

"You're so beautiful, Bella," I whispered roughly, kissing her everywhere and trying to contain the frantic feelings that surged through me like a wild and rapid river. I didn't want to scare her, but I found that I couldn't stop. "No one…what you just gave me….no one, Bella. No one but you."

I slid my arm underneath her, lifting her and placing her on the bed beneath me. She was a wisp of nothing in my arms, yet the weight of what she had just given me still pressed against every part of my being. No one had ever given me anything. I had been robbed of so much. But she gave, willingly, freely, without a thought of who I was…of what I was. I had never had that kind of acceptance. Not even before.

And now I would give.

And I would give as long as she allowed it.

I would give until I was forced to go.

My hands caressed her body and I watched, enraptured as her nipples hardened and her flesh reacted from the cool of my touch. She was panting beneath me the rhythm of her pulse filled the quiet room and to my listening ears, it was the most seductive song I'd ever heard.

Her body was a symphony.

But I wanted to make her sing.

Carefully…so fucking carefully, I pulled her to the edge of the bed and I fell on my knees before her. Her open eyes danced with dark excitement and I knew she understood what I wanted to do…what I fucking needed to do. My hands trembled with the anticipation of it. I kissed the inside of her knee before repeating the same process on the other side.

_Kiss._

_Lick._

_Suck._

_Kiss._

"Tell me, Bella," I murmured against her sensitive skin. "Tell me you want this."

"I want this, Edward," she said, her voice shaking. "I want this. I want you."

I couldn't feel the cool air of the night and yet my body trembled at her words.

"What do you want, Bella?" I asked her, spreading her legs. "Do you want my fingers? My mouth…my cock?"

I ran my hands along the inside of her milky thighs

"All of you," she breathed. "Every part…every piece."

Finally, I allowed myself to look at her…and the sight of her open and spread before me was more than I could handle. It fucking destroyed me to know that she would so willingly give herself to me like this. The barely-parted line of her pussy glistened with her seeping arousal. I breathed in deeply, savoring her heady fragrance that was sweeter than any blood I had ever tasted.

And I wanted to drink every single drop.

Slowly, I reached out, running my hand up and along her sex. My fingers stroked her smooth and swollen lips before caressing the small, soft patch of hair. She was so fucking feminine in her beauty and I found myself immersed in the sensation of what it was like to finally touch a woman. It had been so long...and the murky memories of my human existence could never have done her justice.

She was exquisite.

Her sex was divine.

"You're so beautiful, Bella," I rasped. "Your...your pussy is so fucking beautiful."

I slipped a finger barely inside her parted flesh and was surrounded by the feeling of liquid fire. I groaned as I felt her heat radiate throughout my entire body. Calming myself with the desperate need I had to make this good for her, I began to stroke her. My finger slid so easily along her skin and I didn't even know that I was whimpering until the sound of her own cries broke through my hazy consciousness.

"Does that feel good, Bella?" I asked gruffly. "Do my fingers feel as good as your perfect pussy?"

She continued to whimper and cry out before me.

"Tell me, Bella...please," I begged. "Tell me I make you feel good...that me...my hand makes you feel good."

"God," she moaned. "So good...so...uhh...so fucking good!"

I brought my other hand to her sex, spreading her pussy open with both of my thumbs. I leaned in and ran my nose along the entire length, breathing in her musky scent as my entire body trembled and shook with the devastating need I had to taste her...to suck and lick her...to devour her until her sheets were as wet as my mouth.

"It's amazing," I groaned. "You're so amazing and I want to feel you...to-to taste you."

She whimpered again, reaching down to grab my hair as he body writhed before me, the slick skin of her pussy pressing against my face.

But I wanted to make her scream.

"I want to make you come on my tongue the same way you made me come in your mouth."

"Fuck," she cried. "Please...oh, oh, god...please!"

"There!" I growled. "There it is...there you are."

I licked and lapped her, falling so deep that I didn't know if I could ever return. Her taste was beyond anything my limitless mind could have ever fathomed...all tender and sweet and fucking rich. The flavor of musk and citrus and woman and sex filled my head and never - _not ever_ - did I want to taste anything else again.

_I could have lived on her._

I pushed my finger inside her, massaging her carefully, but deliberately as I lavished her clit with my tongue. I wanted to feel her fall apart around me. She was so fucking tight and she felt so good, but nothing could compare to the euphoria of feeling her body spasm around me as she came.

"Edward!" she cried. "Oh…oh, Edward."

I made her come.

My name was on her lips.

Mine.

Fucking mine.

She pulled herself up and, reaching for me, grasping for me. I couldn't deny her…would never deny her anything after what we just shared. I rose up on my knees and met her hungry mouth as she kissed and licked and sucked my own. She was chaos and frenzy, her actions matching the beat of her heart. But as I wrapped my arms around her and deepened the kiss, I felt her body calm and her pulse slow. She whimpered softly, her breath filling my mouth and lungs as I breathed her in. And once again, I was astounded by how responsive she was to my touch.

I had never affected anyone.

I was never allowed to get close enough.

"I need," she whispered against my neck. "I…I need…"

"What?" I asked. "Anything."

"Hold me…please, Edward."

I came willingly to her bed…her arms. She settled in beside me, shivering in my cold embrace. I covered her with her quilt, praying to a god that wouldn't listen that the warmth would be enough. I couldn't let her go…didn't want to let her go. I stroked her hair and kissed the soft skin of her temple and listened to her deep and slowing breath. Her arm wrapped around my waist and her leg slid over and between mine – the moment was so tender that I would have cried if I were capable of tears.

But I wasn't.

"Edward?" she whispered.

"Yes," I said, my voice hoarse and full of emotion.

"I want you…you know… all of you," she said, kissing my chest. "But I'm so, so tired. I don't understand…I shouldn't be so tired."

"It's okay," I whispered, willing to hold her as long as she would still allow me. "We can wait."

"I'm so scared," she said.

My body tensed at her words.

_Was she scared of me now?_

_Did she think that I would hurt her?_

"Bella?" I asked, swallowing convulsively. "Why…why are you afraid?"

"I'm scared that when I wake up… you'll be gone."

Relief flooded me at her words, at the knowledge that she wasn't scared of me…of what I was. She should have been. I knew she fucking should have been, but I also knew that there was no way that I would ever, _ever_ hurt her.

"I will still be here when you wake up, Bella," I told her, softly pressing my lips to her cheek. "I'll stay as long as you want me."

"I want you," she murmured sleepily through her yawn. "But you won't stay…no one stays. They all…"

She sighed heavily and I felt her fragile, perfect body sag against me.

"They all what?" I asked, not wanting to wake her, but needing to know what she was going to say. "What, Bella?"

"They leave," she whispered softly, sadly.

~x~

~x~

"I won't."

I held her against me for another hour, watching the colors of her sleeping form change with the rising of the sun. My mind warred against itself as I thought about all the reasons that what I had done was so wrong, but I knew as I watched her that her acceptance had changed me. I didn't know what would happen when she woke up, but I knew that I would never be the one to leave.

She would have to make me go.

~x~

~x~

~x~

~x~

I didn't know what time it was when I heard the thoughts…_his thoughts_.

They broke through the silence that her mind allowed me. He was coming inside without warning. His sense of entitlement was clear.

He had done this before.

His thoughts were of her…apologetic and hopeful. They were so blended and muddled that I couldn't get a clear understanding of what he was doing…until I heard his feet on the stairs.

He was coming to her…to her room.

I wanted to wake her, but there was no time. I couldn't allow him to see me…couldn't allow him to know. With lightning speed, I was out of the bed and dressed…taking one last moment to look at her and shaking with the pain of what I was about to do.

I had to leave.

Even though I told her I wouldn't.

~x~

~x~

~x~

It was with a silent sob that I fled.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

A/N

Reviews are still love.

Not only that – they're pretty fucking awesome.

And they still make me write.

Thanks to my fic-wife, soulmate and beta extraordinaire, Marvar. I love you so hard, it's ridiculous. In fact, I love you as hard as Edward's peen. Thank you for making sure my words are pretty and for telling me that you think my smut is hot.

Thank you to Caren (Nerac) for pre-reading and making this (and every) chapter better. And thank you especially for doing it this week when you didn't feel well. *sending you chicken soup and robp0rn*

Thank to rainamd for reading and telling me that this chapter gave your husband a boner. Exactly the response I was hoping for.

And thank you to every person that has taken the time to read my words. The love and support for this story has been overwhelming!

As always, I don't own the characters, but they sure the fuck own me.


	6. Tempest

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 5**

The soft sound of knocking pulled me from my sleep and I didn't know why, but the most intense feeling of dissolution covered me. I felt lonely…even more alone than usual. I didn't know why, but I didn't have the time to address it because as I opened my sleepy eyes, I saw him standing, looming at my bedroom door.

"Jacob!" I screamed. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I was worried about you," he said. "About the way we left things last night. I don't want you to be upset with me."

"And you thought the best way to ensure that I wouldn't be upset with you was to sneak into my house at the fucking crack of dawn? Goddamn it Jacob, really?" I hissed.

I was suddenly, extremely aware of my state of undress as I clutched at the covers that were gathered around my chest. I looked back over at him, waiting for an explanation.

"For the record," he stated. "I didn't have to sneak in anywhere because you left the fucking door unlocked. How many times have I told you about that shit? Anyone could just walk in here."

"Are you kidding me with that?" I asked him. "It would seem that the only person I need to worry about coming into my house while I'm sleeping is you!"

He looked down and I could tell that he felt bad...that he was worried, but I couldn't really think about it. I needed him to go downstairs so that I could get dressed.

"I'm sorry, Bells," he said softly, all remnants of his ridiculous and uncalled for anger gone from his deep voice. "I'm just...fuck, I'm just sorry."

"Jake, could you um...could you please give me a minute to get dressed?" I asked him. "I'll meet you downstairs."

He looked at me and then he looked at the way I was holding the quilt. The reality that I was naked seemed to register with him as his eyes widened.

"Yeah, okay," he said, turning around and closing the door behind him.

Once he was gone, I fell back on the bed, still tired from the night before. I'd only been in been in bed for a few hours at the most, since it was just past dawn. I closed my eyes and thought about the Ouija board. Did that shit really happen?

_It had._

_I knew it fucking had._

I wasn't drunk and I knew that what transpired hadn't been a figment of my imagination. I wasn't that creative. I couldn't understand what it all meant. And if it happened, why did it happen to me? Why did he want to speak to me?

As I lay there, vivid images of my dreams came rushing back to me with such overwhelming lucidity, it took my breath away. I had dreamed about him...about Edward. And even though it was a dream, it had been the most intense sexual experience of my life. Nothing in my lackluster reality had ever come close.

I could still see him, pallid and perfect in the light of the moon.

"Edward," I whispered his name softly. Almost as if saying his name out loud would make him real.

I had never had a dream like that.

Not once.

Not ever.

It had been so fucking intense and it was almost as if I could still feel the way he'd held me, touched me…kissed me. I had never been able to recall a dream with such staggering clarity. As I lay there thinking about it, I realized that the memories of my dream were far more haunting than what had taken place on my porch. Not only had nothing in my past ever come close, but nothing or no one had ever made me feel the way that he'd made me feel.

I was really losing my fucking mind.

Shaking my head and rubbing my eyes, I rolled out of bed. I got dressed, pulling on a pair of jeans and a dark blue sweater. I walked out into the hall, pretending not to acknowledge the closed door before I walked into the bathroom.

Even though I did.

I always did.

I was still furious with Jacob as I washed my face and brushed my teeth. He knew I had to work tonight and I really needed to sleep in, but there was no way I could go back to sleep now. I silently prayed for rain so that it would be overcast and maybe I could catch a few hours of sleep in the afternoon.

I pulled my hair up in a rubber band as I walked down the stairs. He was there waiting for me, nervously tapping his foot as he sat on the couch in the living room. He looked worried and he should have been. This whole situation was fucked up. I knew he worried about me, but Christ, it was enough already.

"I'm really sorry," he told me again as he stood up. "Bells, I couldn't sleep last night thinking about how I'd upset you."

"I know," I told him. "But we have to have some boundaries. Not just about you coming over here unexpected…and uninvited," I added seriously. "What you said to me last night on the porch was fucked up, Jacob. It was fucked up and it was hurtful."

He looked down at me, his dark eyes blood-shot and distressed from his own lack of sleep. His long black hair that was usually pulled back neatly at his neck was hanging heavy down around his shoulders. The caramel of his skin looked even darker in early light of day. And although I was pissed, I could see that he was beautiful. He was beautiful and he was hurting too.

And I did that.

I made him hurt when all he'd ever done was love me.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I wish I had other words…_better words_, but Bella, I just don't. I feel like I'm always apologizing to you."

He took in a deep breath and tentatively reached out his hand in a wordless question. I looked down at it, and then back up at him before sliding my own small and cold hand into his warm, big one. We sat down on the couch together and I turned to face him.

"You…you just can't talk about them, Jacob," I said, swallowing back tears that I wouldn't allow myself to cry.

It didn't matter how many I'd shed, they were still there in what felt like this reserved, fucking pool that was bottomless. Filled completely and waiting to fall. It never got easier; the pain was always there, just as fresh and raw as it was the day before. It didn't matter how many days, months and years had passed – my chest still ached, and the fucking tears still fell.

I'd learned that I couldn't control the ache, but I could control the tears.

"I know," he said softly. "It just that…Bells, you know…"

"Stop," I interrupted him before he could continue. I knew what he was going to say and even though it was true, I didn't want to hear it. "Just don't. Okay?"

"Yeah," he whispered. "Okay, yeah."

We sat there in silence for a while, allowing the weight of everything to settle around us. I stared at our hands and shivered from the warmth that surrounded mine. He carried so much warmth with him. Not just in the heat of his body, but just him…who he was.

"I'm sorry that I woke you up," he said. "I can leave if you want. You can go back to sleep."

His thumb circled around the palm of my hand and the gesture made me uncomfortable. I offered him a sad smile as I took my hand away. I pulled my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms tightly around myself.

"I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep now," I told him. "But Jake, we need to talk about you coming in here like this."

"I know I shouldn't have," he argued. "But I was worried about you."

"I get that, but this is my house…and I was sleeping. And even though you are my best friend and you are always welcome here, this was just…well, it was just _inappropriate_."

I bit down on my bottom lip as my eyes focused on a loose thread that was hanging from his black shirt. Why did this have to be so complicated? Why did _he_ have to make this so complicated?

"Why?" he asked. "Why is my being here inappropriate? I didn't do anything wrong, Bella."

"Things are just different now, Jake," I told him, reaching out to pull at the loose thread and wrapping it around my finger until the tip was deep red with blood. "You know things are different. You know what I mean."

He reached down, taking my hand in his and pulling my finger free of the binding string. It stung a little as the circulation came back. He pulled my finger up to his lips and kissed it softly.

"Stop that," he whispered. "And tell me…why are things different?"

"This," I told him pulling my hand back to my own lap. "This…what you just did…_this is what's different_."

"What? I can't be affectionate now?" he asked. "You're my best friend, Bella. You're my family. You're seriously telling me that I can't…that I shouldn't touch you?" He lowered his voice. "That you don't want me to kiss you?"

I looked in his eyes that were so full of passion and sorrow and just the fucking pain of the rejection I'd given him time after time.

"Not when it means something different to you than it means to me."

"I don't accept that," he challenged. "You know what I think?"

He turned to face me fully and as he moved, I could smell the warm, musky scent of his fragrance. I could feel the heat radiating from his body. I watched as he slowly brought his hands to my face, cupping my cheeks.

"I think that you're scared."

"Of what?" I whispered. "Nothing scares me. Not…not anymore."

"You're scared of this," he said, reaching down and placing his hand over my heart. "You're scared of me…of what…of what I could mean to you if you just let it happen."

I could feel the panic in me rising and I knew that he could feel the pounding of my heart. My mouth was suddenly dry and his proximity was making me nervous and uncomfortable.

"It would be so easy, Bella," he whispered. "_We would be so fucking easy_. It would be natural…just like falling. Like the way it felt the first time we cliff-dived together. Do you remember that?"

"Yeah," I whispered. "I don't own many memories that don't involve you in one way or another, Jacob. But just because we would be…_easy_…well, that doesn't mean that we should be together. You deserve someone that will love you."

I watched him as he swallowed convulsively. I could feel the pressure of his fingers against my neck…could smell the spicy cinnamon of his breath that sighed across his face. And it was almost too much. Too hard. This was too fucking hard and for a moment, he was right. He would be easy and he would love me so fucking much.

"You _do_ love me," he breathed. "Maybe not like that. Not yet, but Bella…Bella, you could."

I closed my eyes and when I did the most surreal feeling came over me. It wasn't Jacob I saw behind my lids. It was him. It was Edward. Or at least the Edward I'd created in my mind. His hands were on my skin. His wintery breath was on my face. He was beautiful and perfect…just like his touch. He was right and nothing – no one – not even Jacob would ever be able to live up to that.

_And he was a fucking dream._

_Or a ghost._

And my too-tired mind couldn't begin to process what that meant. Because it couldn't mean that I was completely sane.

I opened my eyes and when I looked back at Jacob, I knew that I had allowed this to go too far. He looked hopeful…his eyes looked hopeful. And once again – just like every other time – I broke his heart.

"I do love you, Jacob," I said, placing my hands over his. "But not like that."

I pulled away and stood up, giving us the distance that we needed from the intense moment. It was too overwhelming and I simply couldn't deal with it.

_Not again. _

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the coffee from the freezer and began to make a pot. Jacob followed me in and stood there, leaning against the frame of the door. I went about my busy work, trying to occupy my shaking hands.

"Yeah, well…you're okay," he said emotionlessly and my heart screamed at me to make it better. But there was nothing that I could do to make it better. Anything I said or did would only make it worse. "I'm gonna get out of here. You'll have to forgive me for not staying. I don't think I can sit here and have coffee with you like it's just another day."

I felt the tears spring into my eyes and I bit down hard on the inside of my jaw so that I wouldn't cry out. As I tasted the bitter salt of the blood in my mouth, I fought off the nausea that came along with the overwhelming sense of pain that I was hurting him again…even if it was for his own good.

"I understand," I offered so quietly that I wondered if he could hear me. It was only when I turned around and saw his deep, dark eyes that were anguished and rejected that I knew he had heard. Not just the apology – but everything else.

"I'll…I'll see you later, Bella."

"I _do_ love you, Jacob," I said, knowing I shouldn't have said the words, but unwilling to let him leave without making my feelings clear.

"I know you do," he said hoarsely. "Just not enough."

And with those words, he turned around and left.

~x~

~x~

~x~

I stood there silently for a few moments before grabbing my purse and keys from the counter and heading outside. As I drove, I thought about Jacob, about the night before…about my dream. I couldn't understand how the lines between reality and fantasy could have mixed and blurred so much. I knew what happened on the porch with the Ouija board had actually taken place. I was still awake and someone – someone named Edward – was talking to me. He was communicating with me. At least, I thought he was. Was it possible that in my own need to talk to someone, I had created the whole scene in my mind?

_No._

_It had been real._

_I wasn't moving the planchette._

What wasn't real was the dream that had taken place after. It just _seemed_ so fucking real. As I looked out on the empty road before me, I could see the images of last night as they played out in intricate and impassioned detail again. I could see his face. I could hear his voice and fuck, I could feel the way his hands felt against my skin….the way his body moved over and under me.

I could remember every single moment as if it were real.

What I couldn't understand was why.

Why did I dream about him? About a ghost? Or better yet, why would I have a sexual dream about a ghost? Was Jacob right? What I really running away from him because I was afraid of how I might really feel about him? I had never thought so. And had I – with so much effort and determination – created the perfect man in my mind because I knew that Jacob could never live up to that? The more I thought about it, the more frustrated I became. Because that is exactly what he had been.

Perfection.

He knew me…my body, my wants and my needs. He had known how to touch me and kiss me and make my body flame under his touch. And I had been bold and assured…so much more than I had ever been in any other sexual experience of my life. Any _real_ sexual experience of my life. I had been desirable and he… he had desired me.

"It was a dream, Bella," I said to myself as I parked the truck. "A fucking dream!"

I stepped out of the truck, the cool, wet air of the morning causing me to shiver and wish that I had worn more than a sweater. I walked around to the front, crawling up on the hood and looking out over the mossy, green grass. I tucked and curled my legs under me and pulled at my sleeves until they were covering my fists and I just stared into the open space.

_Maybe this time, my inability to move forward wouldn't be mocking._

_Maybe – just fucking maybe – today I would be able to go._

I could count on both hands the number of times that I had made it past the pavement of the parking lot and only once – only one fucking time – had I been by myself. Every other time had been with Jacob. He would hold my hand and wrap me up in the safe, strong, warmth of his arms and he would walk the path with me. He would walk it with me and not say a word, only offering his shoulder for me to cry on…his presence so I wouldn't feel alone in this place that reminded me that I had been abandoned.

_Why wasn't I in love with him?_

The uneasy feeling of someone watching settled over me. I looked around, wondering if he would know that I'd come. I didn't see his car and in the grey and smoky fog of the morning, I saw nothing and no one else. There was just me…me and my thoughts. And so I started speaking them out loud.

"It doesn't get any easier. It makes me think that it never will and maybe…_maybe_ something is wrong with me. Most people aren't like this," I laughed softly, bitterly. "You always told me that I was different…special. You always told me that I was going to be something great, something bigger. And I'm just…not."

The clouds were colorless and they cloaked the morning in a way that almost felt oppressive. I could feel the heavy mist as it settled around me – could hear the quiet tremble of thunder in the distance. Rain was inevitable. Just like so many other things. The moisture that seeped into the strands of my hair was contrasted by the warm, wet tears that fell down my cheeks. Funny, how I didn't even realize that I was crying. I supposed that tears were inevitable, too.

"I wish that you could tell me what to do about Jacob. He thinks that…well, he thinks that you would want me to choose him. But I don't think I have a choice. I think that it – _that love_ – chooses us. It does, doesn't it? I have never felt that for him…not that I've felt it for anyone else. And I know what you're probably thinking. You're thinking that I haven't allowed it to happen. And maybe that's true to some extent, but I'm just…I'm just not so sure."

A loud crack of thunder echoed through the trees on the edges of the clearing. It startled me, but not enough to move. A storm was definitely coming. It just wasn't coming yet. There was a crackling electricity that surrounded me…I could feel it as it buzzed and pulsed in the air. And even though it was cold and the fabric covering me was saturated with dew, something in that moment filled me with warmth.

"I have to go now. I wish…I wish that this time could have been different. I wish…I wish for so many things," I whispered. "But wishing doesn't matter."

I stretched out my legs before me, feeling the cold metal of the truck through my jeans. I could hear the caw of a crow in the distance and I remembered _him_ telling me that birds were unaware of when a storm was coming. They couldn't sense changes in the weather – only in the climate. "Birds knew when to move on," he'd said. And when a storm came, they always found sanctuary.

_Where was mine?_

_I needed to find mine._

~x~ ~x~ ~x~ ~x~ ~x~

The rest of the morning passed in a haze of mundane activity and nothingness. The rain started pouring around noon and it never once let up. I kept myself busy with errands that needed to be accomplished and I met Rose for lunch on her break at the diner.

"You look like shit, Bella," she said matter-of-factly.

"Fuck you."

"No, I mean it," she pressed. "What the hell happened?"

"Jacob happened."

She gave me an understanding look.

"What happened with Jacob?"

"He showed up at the house at the fucking crack of dawn," I told her. "That's what happened."

"And…?"

"And he told me that he loved me, alright?" I said. "Again."

She took a drink of her tea and looked at me for a long moment.

"And you're sure that you don't…that you can't love him?" she asked in a tone of voice that was far more concerning that sarcastic. "I mean, we all just assumed that you did…or would."

"No!" I exclaimed. "And who is 'we all?'"

"I don't know. Me, Alice…Emmett," she said. "It just makes sense. You know?"

"No, I _don't_ know," I told her. "Does it make sense like _you_ telling Emmett that you're in love with _him_?"

"Fuck you."

"That's what I thought."

She pushed her food around her plate and looked back up at me.

"I'm not, you know…in love with him."

"I know," I lied.

There was a stretch of silence between us before she finally spoke again.

"And even if I was…it wouldn't matter."

"Why wouldn't that matter?" I asked, surprised that she was willing to talk about it.

"Because, I'm not willing to share."

"Maybe you wouldn't have to," I told her. "Maybe he would…"

"He wouldn't," she snapped. "Let's just drop it."

I looked out the window as the rain poured down the glass. There was something so…just off about the day. And it wasn't just the way that it had begun. There was a heaviness, a blackness that covered every piece of my existence. It felt like something was missing…vanished. Only I didn't know what it was…or where to find it.

"Rose?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever remember your dreams?"

"Sometimes."

"Do you ever _really_ remember them?"

"Like in detail?"

"Yeah," I said. "Like in _vivid_ detail."

"No," she said. "Why? Do you?"

"Not always, but I had a dream last night…"

My face flushed as I remembered the dream…as I remembered Edward and the way he made me feel. The things he did to me…the things I did to him.

"Like a _sex_ dream?" she asked. "Spill. Was it about Jacob?"

"No. It was _not_ about Jacob," I hissed. "Seriously? Do you _ever_ listen to me?"

"Jesus Christ. Calm the fuck down," she said. "It's not like a sex dream about Jacob would be terrible. I'll bet he's really great in bed. Plus, I'm sure his dick is fucking huge. Hell, even I wouldn't mind that dream."

"Well, then…maybe _you_ should dream about him."

"I might," she chided. "Who was it about?"

"I don't know," I lied again. Well, it wasn't really a lie since I'd created him in my mind. "I didn't know him."

"You didn't know him," she repeated, as if she were trying to understand what I meant.

"No. I didn't know him. And he was…_god_, he was perfect."

"Perfect as in Adonis perfect?" she asked. "Or perfect as in he made you come ten times?"

"Perfect as in perfect," I sighed. "And I remember every fucking detail, Rose. It's crazy."

I don't know why I felt the need to share this with her. Maybe I just wanted to get it out there so that I didn't feel so insane. And I wasn't even telling her the whole truth. She would really think I'd lost my mind if I told her what happened after she left the night before. But that shit really happened. No one would ever convince me that it was imagined. Someone – Edward – spoke to me.

"Well, you know what I think this means, don't you?"

"No."

"It means that you need to get laid, Bella," she said. "We dream because our reality isn't fulfilling."

"Did you read that in a fortune cookie?"

"No, bitch," she smirked. "I don't need a fortune cookie to tell me you need a little more dick in your life."

"Oh, and you have so much dick in yours?"

"No. But I am not the one dreaming about some random dude fucking me."

"He didn't fuck me," I told her and then I blushed.

"Are you telling me that you had a sex dream with no actual sex?" she cackled. "Only you would dream about a dick that never made its way inside you, Bella."

"Can you stop saying dick?" I asked in a hushed voice. "This is a family place."

"Fine," she said. "I need to get back to work anyway. We can finish discussing D-I-C-K tonight at the bar. It's a more cock-friendly place anyway."

I threw some money on the table and stood up. Rose hugged me tight and as she did, she whispered in my ear, "Don't stress over the whole Jacob thing. It will all work itself out."

"How do you know?" I asked.

"Because everything always does."

~x~ ~x~ ~x~ ~x~ ~x~

I found myself back home, soaking wet from the rain as I ran inside. I started stripping my clothes off at the door as I made my way upstairs to the bathroom. I was freezing. I turned the water to the shower on and let it heat up while I pulled some towels from the closet in the hall. I shivered as I walked back into the bathroom and it wasn't from the cold. I got the distinct feeling that someone was there…watching me.

Wrapping myself up, I walked back out, wondering if Jacob had decided to make another surprise appearance.

Nothing.

There was nothing.

Fuck, I really was losing my mind.

I crawled into the shower and stood directly under the hot and steamy spray of the water. The intense pressure relaxed my tense and aching muscles and as the sultry heat swirled around me, I began to feel so tired. The late night, the restless sleep and the early morning that turned into a stress-filled day had really taken its toll on me. It was around three, which would give me time to get a couple hours rest before I had to be to work.

I turned off the water as soon as my body felt completely warmed through. I dried myself off and padded into my bedroom, setting the alarm on my phone to wake me up at six. The sound of the rain was comforting as it relaxed my racing mind. There was so much to think about, but that would all have to wait. I needed to sleep…my body was begging for it.

A loud crash of thunder hit and startled me, shaking the panes of my window.

_The storm was here._

_And just like the crow, I was not expecting it._

I pulled the covers over my head, breathing in deeply the aroma of my soap and the warmth of my own body heat. It was then that I smelled it – the fragrance of my dream.

Winter and ocean and fire and ice.

I sucked in another deep breath, holding the air in my lungs until they burned. As I released my breath, I felt my body sink deeper into the mattress. There was something so comforting…so deeply fulfilling about the way that he smelled. And I was so grateful that I could remember.

"Edward," I whispered his name.

And just as sleep and the divine rest that I needed began to claim me, I heard the muffled sound of my name.

~x~

~x~

~x~

"Bella."

~x~ ~x~ ~x~ ~x~ ~x~

A/N

Reweiws are love.

Please leave me some.

I'm not even kidding when I tell you that they make me write.

So much love and thanks to my beta and ficwife, Marvar. I will _always_ need you more than you need me. I love you...and only a little bit for your Robp0rn collection. :)

Thank to Caren (Nerac) and rainamd for pre-reading and for their lovely suggestions and feedback. You make my chapters better.

HUGE thanks to The Fictionators for reviewing and recc'ing What Speaks in Darkness this week! And thank you to the lovely and incomparable, quietruby for being the best guest reviewer I could ever ask for. I might have screamed in my office when I read and scared the people who work for me. So, not even kidding.

Sorry for the delay in the chapter. I was completely sick with the flu and in bed for four days. But I did read quite a bit, so…

Here are my recc's this week:

_**Ladder to the Sun**_** by Rosybud**: I was not sold on this fic at all, but Bellamarie117 and twistedcoincidence convinced me to give it a go. Let me just tell you that I could NOT stop reading. It's a wonderful and compelling love story about learning to live on your own terms. And learning to let go and love who you are. I was captivated the whole time!

_**The Cube**_** by Sdfreeze**: So, my soulmate, Marvar told me to read this because it was funny and since I do whatever she tells me…I read before I went to sleep last night. Well, I was up until three reading this fic that made me laugh my ass off. One of my favorite Bellas that I've had the pleasure of reading. So funny, with absolutely no verbal-filter. If that isn't enough to sell you. She has a nickname for Jessica Stanley. "CuntSwayLow" LMFAO! Best thing EVER!

Please read and leave them some love. Tell them Cosmo sent you!


	7. Vigilance

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 6**

The grey and overcast light of dawn was creeping over the trees as I flew to the darkened edges of the woods. I could hear him knocking before I stopped running, but the sound of his knock was completely overshadowed by the sound – _the beautiful sound_ – of her waking heart.

"Bella."

I whispered her name just so I could hear it. Out loud and tangible. Real. She was real and beautiful and only moments before, she had been in my arms. I fucking hated him for taking that moment away from me…and hated him more for causing me to break the promise I'd made to her that I wouldn't be like 'everyone else.'

That I would never leave.

But I had…and I wondered if she could forgive me.

The sound of her elevated and irritated voice pulled me from my thoughts. She was very angry and he…he was distraught. Even though I was angry with him, I could tell from his thoughts that he was distressed and concerned. Worried. He was worried that she was upset with him. And from what I could tell from the tone of her voice and the choice of her words, she was.

She asked what he was doing there and I wished that I could hear her thoughts. To know if she was wondering where I was. Was she as devastated as me? Did she think me a liar? She must have known that I could not stay with another person – with him – approaching. He would not understand what was happening. He was under the impression that she loved him the way that he loved her.

And he did.

He loved her.

And then I heard it…heard him. His thoughts shifted quickly from concern and love. Lust. The realization that she – _my Bella_ – was naked. He wanted to see her, to touch her body…to caress her soft skin with his hands. A growl ripped from my chest at the very thought of another man touching her. Of _him_ touching her.

She.

Was.

_Mine_.

There was no doubt after what we had experienced in the night…in her bed. Having never felt that kind of acceptance for who I was. For what I was. But she…she was tender and giving and so fucking beautiful in her openness. And she was open to me. Her mind, her heart, her arms…and her body. She had received me willingly, lovingly. I had never known that kind of acceptance. And I would never give her up.

Not to him.

Not to anyone.

She asked him to meet her downstairs and I heard his mingled thoughts. He wanted her to ask him to stay…to invite him into her bed. He wanted to offer her comfort and love, both physically and emotionally. He understood she was broken, but he also thought that he could fix her. And I could hear the pain in his mind and he closed the door as he experienced her rejection again…and yet he still hoped.

I heard her gust of air and the movement of her bed. She must have lain down, but what I heard next, shook me to my very core – the center of my stone, cold heart. She said my name.

"Edward."

I was on her lips and in her mind. As she whispered the word, it wafted across the cool, wet air and covered me with a warmth I'd only felt in her arms. I wanted to go back to her…to run to her and beg her to forgive me for leaving. But I couldn't. And I grabbed and pulled my hair in frustration that my damned existence wouldn't allow me to and I cursed my fucking gift for not allowing me the ability to hear her and know what she was thinking.

She eventually made her way downstairs where he was waiting with more words of apology and she listened to him, but not without telling him that his actions had been wrong. I winced in pain as he told her that he loved her, how he knew she could love him, too. My only solace coming from the knowledge that there was no possibility of her returning his affections – not after the way she had given herself to me. She told him that he couldn't speak of 'them' anymore…she told him it was hurtful…and though I couldn't hear her thoughts, I could hear the pain and the hurt in her voice.

I focused in on his thoughts, wanting to know who _they_ were. Wanting to know who had left her and made her feel that she was unworthy of anyone staying. I couldn't imagine anyone leaving her intentionally. Her warmth and beauty were captivating, her heart and mind, enchanting. She was wonderful and it would be so effortless to…

My mind zoned in on _his_ thoughts and their discussion.

Her heart was pounding, the beat of it frantic as he conjured images of them – of her – growing up. And even then, she was beautiful. Young and vibrant and so fucking happy in his mind. She told him that he was a part of all her memories and I tried to ignore the ache in my chest that she was so connected to another man – someone who had known her when she smiled like that. And her smile in his mind was breathtaking.

He told her that it would be so easy for them. That he knew she could love him…but she didn't. And the pain that he felt – that I saw in his mind – crippled him. And I wanted to feel bad for the way he was hurting because in that moment, his pain was almost overwhelming…even to me.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't because the fact that she didn't love him meant the merest possibility that I would be able to hold her again…touch her again…kiss and taste her again.

Even if I didn't deserve it.

And I didn't.

I barely registered the sound of her voice, tight and filled with unshed tears, as she told him she loved him. But she didn't love him like that. And he knew. He knew and he acknowledged it to her, and the entire time his heart was breaking. And I watched as he left. The porch door slamming behind him as he got in his car. His emotions were tossing and turning like the waves in a storm. Lifting him up and then crashing down around him as he fought to accept what he would never really believe was the truth.

That she could never love him.

Not the way he wanted her to.

She followed right behind him as she ran to her truck. She was leaving? She really didn't think I was coming back? She thought I'd left her, too. She thought I was like them. And I wasn't. I had wanted to stay…would have stayed with her as long as she'd allowed it. And I needed her to know. I needed her to know how I felt – how she made me feel. How no one in my existence had ever been so accepting. Of me…of who and what I was. Not even…

No.

I couldn't think about him now.

So, I followed her. It wasn't hard. Her ancient truck barely accelerated enough to do the speed limit. I was able to follow her easily along the edge of the woods. It was still early morning and Bella seemed to be the only person on the road in the small town of Forks. I wondered where she was going. Was she chasing after _him_? No. She wouldn't. Was she driving to clear her mind? The fact that she's left at all told me that she thought I'd abandoned her. She thought I was lying when I told her I'd never leave after she so willingly offered me her body, so bravely bared her soul.

I ran my hands through my now-dampened hair and fuck, I could still smell her on my hands. My chest rumbled with the memory of what it was like to touch her. I was overcome with desire, as the scent of her sex filled my head. I thought about the way that she felt under my fingers. The fucking way that she tasted on my tongue. She was the only heaven I would ever know – _had ever known_ – in this execrated existence I had been sentenced to so long ago. She was the only light in my eternal darkness and she was lucent and glowing.

Her truck slowed and she pulled from the road onto an old and worn down lot. She parked and I took notice, for the first time, of where we were…where she was. And my thoughts and mind were silenced. She was at a cemetery, surrounded by the dead. Was this who had left her? Had this been how they'd gone? Shirking back, further into the darkened woods, I stood and I watched. Lurking like the monster that I was. Wondering if she would go…if she would kneel at the grave of the person – the people – who'd died and left her all alone.

She didn't.

The sound of her frustrated and anguished voice reverberated in my head.

"It was a dream, Bella," she said forcefully. "A fucking dream!"

I couldn't understand her words…what they meant. What was a dream? A deep and sinking feeling covered me, an anxiety filling my body with questions that I wasn't prepared to answer. She didn't think…she couldn't think…

_No._

_It was impossible._

Her frail and fragile form stepped down from the cab and she made her way to the front of her truck. Her hair was pulled back and soft, wet tendrils framed her face and her long, elegant neck. She was staring out into the eerie, fog-covered space. Her hands were wringing as her body trembled. Her heartbeat was erratic, stuttering and stopping as she clung to her breath, refusing to exhale or even breathe in. She crawled up on the hood, shivering and wrapping her arms around herself. It was cold…she was cold. And she deserved all the warmth this life would allow her.

And because of that, I knew…she didn't deserve me.

The reality was that I didn't deserve her. I had allowed this to go too far. Had allowed my own selfishness and desire to override and overtake me. And she had given herself so freely – had offered herself, her beautiful body, her warm beating heart. And I…I had taken. Shame covered and shook me as I accepted the staggering and uncompromised truth that I would take again. As long as she'd allow it.

But would she?

I no longer knew.

She sat there, staring out into the distance before her. I wondered why she was there. If she was visiting someone she'd lost, why would she not go to them? Was it still too painful? Was the loss recent and still fresh? And who the fuck was it? Who would have affected her this way? I didn't know and once again, I found myself frustrated that I couldn't read her thoughts.

Her soft and broken voice pulled me and drew me in. I listened closely, taking in and hanging on to each and every word. Begging and pleading that they would give me a sliver of understanding about who she was. Uselessly praying to know what had broken her…and desperately longing to make it better.

"It doesn't get any easier. It makes me think that it never will and maybe…_maybe_ something is wrong with me. Most people aren't like this." Her laughter was biting and sarcastic. "You always told me that I was different…special. You always told me that I was going to be something great, something bigger. And I'm just…not."

Her words broke my silenced heart, for how could someone so giving and beautiful and trusting and pure feel that she wasn't special? Everything about her was so beyond perfection that she was almost divine. Thunder rolled in the distance. It started to rain and I was listening so closely and so aware of everything about her, that I could hear the sound of the mist as it saturated her hair. And my broken heart crumbled as she started to cry. Her tears affected me profoundly. We were selfish creatures by nature. Never concerned with anyone else…never needing to be. But I was beyond concerned.

I was consumed with her.

"I wish that you could tell me what to do about Jacob. He thinks that…well, he thinks that you would want me to choose him. But I don't think I have a choice. I think that it – _that love_ – chooses us. It does, doesn't it?"

Once again, her words shook me. But this time, they stabled and centered me, too. She did not love him, but she questioned if she should – questioned that whoever she was speaking to would want her to love him as well.

"I have never felt that for him…not that I've felt it for anyone else. And I know what you're probably thinking. You're thinking that I haven't allowed it to happen. And maybe that's true to some extent, but I'm just…I'm just not so sure."

She had never been in love.

How was that even possible?

_Because she was waiting for…_

No.

I couldn't allow myself to think that. To even bestow upon myself the merest hint of the hope that anyone – that she – could possibly feel love for me. I was completely undeserving. How many times would I have to re-learn that lesson? A jarring crash of thunder echoed in the trees that I was standing in. It was almost as if the heavens that had banished me were communicating what I already knew. I was unworthy. Unworthy of her…of her affection…and most definitely her love.

But still, how could she have gone this long…her whole life without feeling that? Without experiencing that? She was so deserving. I wanted to go to her. But this was too personal. What she was doing was too personal…too intimate. This was her secret and from my limited understanding…I didn't think that she shared this with many people. If any at all.

"I have to go now. I wish…I wish that this time could have been different. I wish…I wish for so many things," she whispered, but the sound of her voice resonated loudly and pierced the deep, dark corners of my heart and mind. And her sadness…her sadness scarred my tortured soul. "But wishing doesn't matter."

I heard a crow in the distance and I knew she heard it, too. Her head shifted up in the direction of the sound. There was something that seemed so significant about this moment. And I couldn't help but wonder if she was thinking of me. Would she know that I hadn't wanted to leave her? Would she listen to me if I offered her the reason why?

_She shouldn't._

_I knew she fucking shouldn't._

But I also know that I would go. I would return to her and beg her to understand. I was not a better man. I wasn't even a hint of the man that I once was. But the remnants of the man that remained inside of me – the man that I found so easily, who awakened in her arms only hours before – he would go. Of that, there was no doubt. Watching her drive away, I knew…I would never be able to stay away. I simply was not strong enough.

But for now…

For now…

~x~

~x~

~x~

I needed to feed.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

The rain was pouring as I found myself back in the woods that surrounded her house…pacing and waiting. Desperate for her to return. The water rushed down around me as it fell in streams from the branches. It was cold, but I couldn't feel it. I was drenched, but I didn't care. I turned my head upward, allowing the rain to flood my mouth, attempting to wash away the remaining taste that only served as a reminder of why I shouldn't fucking be there.

The kill today had been too easy.

My body was sated…full to the point of discomfort. It had to be done because even as I was aware that her blood did not call to me – and even though I was still perplexed and baffled by that discovery – blood was still blood. And if I allowed myself to get hungry in her presence…

No.

I would never…_could never_ allow that.

I would never fucking hurt her.

Time had become irrelevant to me in my life. Minutes and hours were nothing and days passed like the unnecessary blinks of my eyes. But standing there in the shadows, each moment felt like the vast expanse of eternity…ticking by slowly, torturously…endlessly longing for her.

_Where the fuck was she?_

I began to get worried, frantic that something was wrong. She had to be exhausted and I fought against the fear of allowing my mind to wonder if she had gone to him. I replayed her words in my mind, remembering the sound of her soft and haunting voice.

"_But I don't think I have a choice. I think that it – __that love__ – chooses us. It does, doesn't it?"_

I heard the sound of her truck in the distance and my entire body sprung to alert, every cell of my being attuned and pointing to her. She was back and it would be mere moments until I could be with her again. Until I could beg her to forgive me for leaving in the morning when I'd promised that I would stay. I heard the crunch of the gravel underneath her tires and my body relaxed at just the mere sight of her as she ran from the car. She was so fucking beautiful all wet from the rain. And I could smell her intoxicating fragrance as it drifted across to me on the wind.

Fruit and flowers.

Sensual and pure.

_She was amazing._

I looked around her house, making sure no one was watching my approach from the woods. The street was silent in the dreary wet of the day. I made my way to her door, wondering if I should knock, but deciding against it. I pushed it open and what I saw stunned me. Her jeans were discarded on the floor and fuck, her panties were there inside them.

I fought the urge to reach down and pick them up, but my own desire got the best of me and I found that I couldn't help myself. Reaching down, I took them in my trembling hand. They were damp from the rain and before I could even lift them to my face to breathe in her scent…the fucking sweet scent of her sex…I could smell her. All of her. That part of her that I had had tasted and loved and lapped with my tongue. And because the memory of that fucking perfect moment consumed me and overpowered my sensibilities, I drew them to my face and breathed in deeply.

Fuck.

She was divine.

I could have licked them…but I didn't. I wanted to lick her.

A few steps ahead, her soaked-through sweater was on the bottom of her stairs, followed closely by her bra. She was upstairs and fucking naked and suddenly, I couldn't get to her soon enough. I quietly took the stairs, two at a time, when I heard the water from the shower. I stood at the top, wondering what I should do. It would scare her if I intruded while she was in there alone, in such a vulnerable state. I didn't want to scare her.

She stepped back out into the hall and I flew to the darkened corner at the top of the stairs. She couldn't see me, but I could see her. She was gorgeous and wrapped in nothing but a soft blue towel. And suddenly, it hit me. I'd hid from her because what I was doing was wrong. I told myself that I didn't want to scare her when fucking _everything_ I'd done up to this point had been scary.

She showered and I waited; my mind and heart warring over what I should do. I knew I should leave, that she had been frightened, but I also knew the way she looked and felt as I'd held her…the way her body had responded to my touch. It had been my name on her lips as she slept, both before and after we'd been so intimate. That had to mean something. And because I _needed_ it to mean something, because I was so _desperate_ for it to mean something…I stayed. I stayed and I hoped – even though I had no right to – that she would forgive me.

For leaving.

For everything.

Because there was not one part of me now – not one single piece of my being – that didn't need her.

~x~

~x~

~x~

She crawled in her bed before I could work up the nerve to approach her. The only sound in the house was her slowing heartbeat and the pouring rain outside. Thunder crashed causing her to jump, but she settled down quickly, pulling the covers over her head. I heard the sound of her taking a deep breath and just like she'd done so many times before, she shocked and astounded me.

"Edward," she whispered.

And I wanted to cry from the relief that I felt.

But instead…there was only her.

_Her sleeping form._

_Her forgiving heart._

_Her living breath._

_Her beautiful name._

"Bella."

I went to her quickly, to the side of her bed, mimicking the night before, as I fell to my knees. Tentatively, I pulled down the blanket to reveal her face to me. She was soft and sweet and perfect and I wanted to hold and kiss her.

"Bella, I'm here," I whispered. "I'm here and I'm so fucking sorry."

Her eyelids fluttered, but did not open. I noticed that the skin beneath her eyes was a deep, dark purple. She was exhausted. She must have been. She'd gotten no sleep the night before. Gently and so fucking carefully, I reached out my hand and stroked her silk skin with my thumb. She shifted closer to my touch, leaning into me and sighing. And I was overcome with a need that I'd never really felt…a need to take care of another person.

"I'm so tired," she whispered even though I knew she was still sleeping.

"I know, Bella," I murmured, wanting even her subconscious to know that I was there. "Rest now…I'll be here when you wake up."

I sat there beside here, watching her sleep and fighting off my desperate need to crawl into bed and hold her against me. My clothes were still wet and I didn't want to be naked with her again without her consent. It was just enough to be close to her, touching her face and breathing in her scent.

As the day dissolved into twilight, I felt a vibration against my leg. Reaching in my pocket, I pulled out my phone. I had a text message from an unknown, but local number.

~x~

~x~

~x~

"You can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to me. I know why you're there. – J"

A/N

Reviews are love.

Please, love me.

Thank you for your patience with this chapter. I have been on vacation with my sister for the last week, but I did find some time to write for you guys. Thank you for reading. I adore you all so much!

There is not enough time in the day and not enough words in the thesaurus to tell you how much I love and adore my bestie (I mean beta), Marvar. She makes my words pretty and my chapters readable.

Thank you to Caren (Nerac) and Raina for pre-reading. I flove you both so effing much!

My recc's this week:

**Faking It by spanglemaker9**: So, I realize that I am way behind with this fic, but I'm telling you about it anyway. I read this story on Tuesday and it consumed my entire day. I loved, loved, loved it! Also, it's complete. Read it and thank me later.

**Giofógach by ltlerthqak: **I recc'd this in our LiMB update, but this fic deserves to be read by everyone…so, I'm reccing it again! It takes place against the backdrop of a traveling carnival. Bella is a gypsy with a special gift and Edward is her soulmate. Please check it out and leave some review love.


	8. Undeniable

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 7**

The crashing sound of thunder pulled me from sleep, and although I knew it had been too short, it was completely restful and surprisingly rejuvenating. I didn't dream of him again, but somehow, his fragrance still lingered. And I could almost swear that I'd heard his voice while I slept. Was that shit even possible?

No.

I was just fucking crazy.

I moved and stretched, feeling the pull of my muscles from my shoulders to my legs before relaxing again completely. My eyes opened, and the gentle cover of darkness surrounded me. The lulling sound of the rain that still poured outside my window assuaged my mind and body with a pleading whisper that beckoned me to return to sleep.

But I couldn't.

I was warm inside the blanketed space. Naked and calm and entirely relaxed. The day had been long and draining, both physically and emotionally. And I thought back over the events, ticking them off one at a time in my hazy mind, happy for once that in the quiet state of my mind, I was unable to obsess. I simply didn't have the desire.

I thought about Jacob, wondering if he was okay, wondering if he would show up at the bar tonight to see me. We had never gone any extended length of time without speaking. But the morning had been so painful…for both of us. And I wondered if this time wouldn't be different. A deep and sinking feeling of loss filled my chest at the thought of my very best friend feeling too hurt to talk to me. But it had been for the best, I hoped. He needed to move on. I would never be what he needed me to be; I simply wasn't that woman.

Pulling back the quilt, I sat up and slid from the bed. I felt an eerie pressure, a gentle and lurking paranoia of someone's eyes on me. It was almost as if I could feel their weight against my naked skin. Shaking my head and ignoring the soft shudder that ran through my body, I dressed quickly and quietly in the dark. Sitting back on the bed, I pulled on my boots and reached for my phone that was bound to alarm at any moment. I considered sending Jake a text, but decided against it. It would have been more for me than him anyway.

As I looked at the illuminated screen of my phone, a shadow in the corner caught my eye.

Someone was there.

Someone was there in my house, in my room…watching me in the dark. My heart was pounding in my chest as my breathing had all but stopped. In that moment, terrified and shaking, I tried to decide what to do. A wave of nausea engulfed me as I remembered being naked in my bed – naked out of my bed and dressing in front of him. A pulsing and pressing, electric charge swirled around me and even in my panicked state; I could only focus on one thing.

Self-preservation.

I would run.

"Bella," a trembling, familiar voice spoke my name softly. "Please, Bella…please, don't be afraid."

At that moment, lightning struck, irradiating the obscure figure in the darkened corner. It was only a second, just the merest hint of a moment…but I saw him. Long and lean and pale…as perfect as my memory and wholly and utterly terrifying.

"You're not real," I whispered, frightened tears filling my voice. "You're not…you…you can't be."

"Wha-what?" he choked out, his voice anguished and broken. "You…you think…you didn't…"

I closed my eyes, praying that this was all a dream – that this – that he, the man, the ghost was still just a figment of my imagination.

That had to be it.

He wasn't real.

He couldn't be real.

My eyes were shut so tight that it became painful and I could see a piercing, silver light behind them. I could feel my body shaking and with no ability to stop them on my own, the sound of my sobs filled the otherwise quiet space. Under the intense pressure of my lids, the silver light slowly shifted, morphing into diminishing orbs, first to gold and then to red.

Red like wine.

Red like blood.

I sat there frozen, unwilling to admit that this was real…even though the physical reaction of my body wracked me completely. I opened my eyes, willing it to be a dream, but it wasn't. He was still there, rigid and unmoving. And even in the dark, I could see his wide eyes intently staring into my own. I drew in a deep and burning breath, as I fought to fill my constricted lungs.

"Please…" I whispered. "Please…please don't hurt me."

The sound of my whispered plea echoed and hung heavy in the stilled and silent air. And in a movement so fleeting – I barely registered it happening – he was kneeling before me and reaching out to me with his hands.

"You think I would…?" his voice trembled as he spoke softly. "You think that I could…that I would hurt you?"

I was shaking and crying and wanting to move, but terrified of what would happen if I did. He was so close…_so fucking close_. And having him there, his voice in my ear, his fragrance so thick I could taste it on my tongue…every moment, every memory, _every single part of my dream_ came rushing back to me. But it wasn't real – he wasn't real. He couldn't be.

"No, no, no, no…." I cried. "Please, just…please just stop."

_Waking up in his arms._

"No."

_His terrified eyes._

"Bella."

_Stroking his skin._

"It isn't possible."

_Telling him not to be afraid._

"Bella, please."

_Touching his face…his lips._

"No."

_Kissing my thumbs._

"Bella."

_Kissing his mouth._

"No, it's not true."

_His hands on my body. _

_His soft and sucking mouth. _

_My hands in his hair._

_Wanting him._

_Needing him._

_Over me._

_Under me._

_Naked._

_Tasting him._

_Naked._

_Tasting me._

_Touching me there…his fingers inside._

_Falling…_

_Falling…_

"It's not fucking true!" I sobbed. "You're not fucking real."

His hands immediately dropped to his lap and his face registered the same disbelief that was coursing through my body. His eyes were scared and unsure as he fell back to his heels, assuming a position that felt far less threatening.

And I was confused.

"You…you think…" he choked out. "You think I'm not real?"

It was his voice again. The same voice that whispered to me in the night…in my dream. And then, just like before, I remembered in vivid detail everything that happened on my porch.

_Sitting at the Ouija Board._

_Touching the planchette._

_Talking out loud._

"It's not possible," I whispered.

_And he…he had spoken to me._

_Through the board._

_The planchette fucking moved._

"You didn't know," he said quietly.

_It was his name._

_Edward._

_Edward._

_Edward._

_That moment was real._

_That really fucking happened!_

I pulled my legs up, wrapping my arms around them and rocking back and forth. How was it possible? It wasn't fucking possible! I had lost my mind. There was no other explanation. This wasn't real…but it fucking was! I had been there. I wasn't sleeping when that happened. I was on the porch, awake and alert. And he had communicated with me through the board. And if he could speak to me through the board….that meant…it must have meant…

~x~

~x~

~x~

He was dead.

My fingers dug into the skin of my legs to the point that it was painful. I was afraid to look up…afraid of what I would see. What would be there…or wouldn't be there. I focused on what I knew was real. The sound of the falling rain that mirrored my tears. The feel of my heartbeat and the in and out of my breath. And I was okay…until I heard his voice. And even though I was scared, I forced myself to open my eyes…to look at him as he spoke, still kneeling before me. His eyes were wide, haunted and sad. And there was so much pain there that it broke me. I knew that kind of pain. I understood that kind of pain.

"You didn't know," he whispered, repeating his words from before. "You didn't know…and you didn't…you didn't want me."

I didn't know what to say because the truth was that I wasn't really sure what was happening…if any of this was real. I felt like I was having some sort of psychosomatic hallucination. Like I was crazy and fucking falling apart. It was as if the days and the years of my trauma and my grief were all culminating at one time. Had I been alone for so long that I had created this person – this man – in my mind? The lines of reality and fantasy, of what was real and what was imagined were all blurred and shifting so rapidly that I couldn't keep up.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so fucking sorry, Bella."

My name was a sob from his lips and as quickly as he said it, he fled. He was gone and I tried, fumbling out of my bed and running on shaking legs, to follow him. Still not knowing if any of this was real, but knowing that the absence of him in that moment – real or not – was staggering. I couldn't explain it, I just knew that when he ran, it felt as if I was tied to him in some inexplicable way and he pulled a piece of me with him as he left.

I tripped and fell in the hall, crying out louder as my knees hit the hard wood of the floor, but I pushed myself up and continued down the stairs. I wasn't sure what I wanted. I only knew I couldn't stop. .

~x~

~x~

~x~

He was gone.

The door was shut and nothing was different, except that everything was different and I didn't know what that meant.

~x~

~x~

~x~

I stood there for the longest time, unable to move. It wasn't until the ringing of my phone pulled me from my shocked and confused trance. I ran up the stairs and into my room, picking up my phone that had fallen on the floor. It was the bar. Emmett.

"Hello," I said numbly.

"Bella," Emmett's loud voice boomed over the phone. "Where the fuck are you? You should have been here fifteen minutes ago. Is everything okay?"

"Umm…" I started, not knowing the answer to the question. "Umm…yeah. I'm okay. Everything's okay."

Even though it wasn't.

"Well, were you planning on coming into work tonight or not?"

"Yeah…no," I told him.

"Fuck, Bella. Is that a yes or a no?"

"No…I mean, yes," I stammered. "It's a yes. I'm coming. I'll be there. I'm sorry I'm late."

"Fine," he said. "I'll see you when you get here."

I grabbed my keys and purse and headed outside. As I walked to my truck, I looked around, aware of my surroundings and wondering if he was there…if he had been here at all. Was I really that fucking crazy? I didn't think so, but the idea that everything from my dream was true was beyond the realm of anything remotely possible. At least in my mind. How was it possible that this man – this ghost – could have come into my room and been intimate with me in the night? And even more than that, if it actually happened, how was it possible that I thought it was all a dream?

_Because it had been surreal._

_Because it had been perfect._

I found that I couldn't shake it all as I drove. I couldn't shake the memory of him, the way he tasted like rain and honey…the way he felt hard and soft beneath my hands. And my heart seized and clenched as I remembered the expression on his face, the look in his eyes when I told him that it wasn't possible that he was real.

Was any of this possible at all?

It wasn't.

I knew it wasn't.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

I pulled in behind the bar and went in through the back entrance. The door to Emmett's office was open and he was on the phone.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm gonna have to work tonight. Bella's running late and I need to make sure the bar is covered."

I walked over to the door, wanting to let him know that I was there and that he could leave if he wanted. Emmett, for the most part, was a pretty easy boss. He had been very good to me over the years and he had given me a job when I really needed it. There wasn't much opportunity in a place like Forks, especially for someone with just a high school education. And even though bartending wasn't the most glamorous job in the world, it sure the fuck beat working for minimum wage at the local supermarket. With tips, I made good enough money to pay my bills and I wasn't living in debt to anyone.

And I never would be again.

I knocked softly on the door and Emmett turned in his chair, placing his index finger over his mouth to indicate that I should stay quiet.

"Yeah, baby," he said. "You know that the bar has to come first. I'll see you tonight when I get off. Yeah…you, too."

He hung up the phone and looked over at me.

"Thanks," he said.

"I'm sorry I'm late," I told him. "I've got this covered if you need to be somewhere else."

"Fuck, Bella," he said. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you look like shit."

"Fuck you," I said, looking down at the floor, knowing it was the truth.

I did look like shit. I felt like shit, but what was I supposed to say? _"I'm sorry, Emmett. I may be going crazy and I think I'm seeing ghosts?"_ I'm sure that would have gone over famously.

"Hey," he said. "Look at me. What's going on? You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, looking up at him. "I guess I'm just tired from last night."

"Yeah?" he said, smirking. "You guys had fun? I was expecting you to show up here at some point."

"Expecting?" I asked. "Or hoping?"

"Expecting," he huffed. "And don't try to talk about shit you don't understand."

"Don't I?" I challenged him. "I mean, I just told you I was here and that you could leave, but you're staying. And don't _you_ try to pretend that I don't know why."

"You don't," he said, the tone of his voice harder than before.

"Fine. Who's covering the bar if you're back here?"

"Embry's up front," he said. "And I don't know if I should tell you this, but Jake was here earlier, looking like his fucking dog died. You know anything about that?"

"No," I lied. "Why would I know anything about that?"

"You know why," he said knowingly. "And I'm just saying…we all have shit in our personal lives that maybe we don't want other people talking about."

He was right and I wanted to apologize, but instead, I asked the one question I probably shouldn't have.

"Was he okay? I mean, how…how was he?"

"Well, he didn't get shitfaced, though I suspect that he wanted to. I cut him off after he drank six beers and a couple shots of whiskey."

"You didn't let him drive, did you?" I asked, panicked.

"No, Bella. Calm the fuck down. I called Sam and he came and picked him up. His keys are in the register, if you want to take them back to him."

"Yeah," I said. "Yeah, okay."

I walked out to the front and the smell of smoke and stale beer permeated the air. The same faces I'd grown accustomed to were all there. I put on my apron behind the bar and went to work. I grabbed a rag and began to wipe down the counter, wondering if Emmett ever did it when I wasn't there. As I wiped, my mind drifted back to the dark room, the pale and perfect face…the haunting voice.

"_I can't give you what you need. I can't be…the person…that you deserve."_

"_You don't know what you do to me. I shouldn't be here…shouldn't want this…but Bella, I do."_

"_I don't want to hurt you, but I can't stay away."_

"Jesus Christ, Bella!" Emmett yelled, and I looked up at him wondering what the hell his problem was. "You've been wiping that spot for five fucking minutes. I think it's clean."

"It hasn't been five minutes," I told him, wondering if it really had. "It would take five minutes to clean the shit you've left on here all day. Really, Em, this is disgusting."

He laughed and told me to refill Waylon's drink and as I walked to the corner of the bar and made the scotch and soda, the door opened and Rose walked in. She smiled at me, though she looked concerned and I noticed Emmett stop what he was doing and watch her approach the bar. She ignored him completely, of course, coming directly over to where I was standing.

"Have anymore dreams?" she asked suggestively. "You know of the cock variety?"

"None of the cock variety," I said, trying to keep my voice as normal as possible, but still seeing flashes of him in my mind…still hearing his voice saying words that were too much for me to bear.

"_What the fuck are you doing to me?"_

"_Why the fuck do you want this?"_

"_Tell me, Bella…tell me you want this."_

"How are you?" I asked, managing to control my thoughts.

"What about cock?" Emmett asked, interrupting, but for once, I didn't mind.

"Oh, you know…the same," Rose said dismissively, ignoring him completely. "How yours is the size of my pinkie."

"Oh, yeah?" he asked, smiling playfully. "And how would you know?"

"I wouldn't," she said shortly. "Bella, can I get a beer?"

I walked back over to the cooler when I noticed a man sitting at the other side of the bar. I knew I'd never seen him before because honestly, seeing him would have been something I remembered. He was handsome – striking even. His blond hair brushed just over the top of his shoulders and his eyes, though glacial and detached, were oddly piercing. He was wearing a black leather jacket, but I could see the faintest hint of a blue shirt peeking underneath it.

"I'll be right with you," I said, heading over to give Rose her beer. He nodded his head just once, but I could feel his eyes on me as I walked away.

"Who's that?" Rose whispered. "He's fucking hot."

This caused Emmett to take notice and he did so about as gracefully as a gorilla, turning around and blatantly staring him down. The man held his stare, his face expressionless and his posture stoic. I rolled my eyes and told Rose I didn't know before walking back over to him.

"What can I get for you?" I asked, shivering slightly, as if a cold breeze were whipping around me.

"Bourbon, neat," he replied, his voice soft and smooth like butter.

"Preference?"

"Knob Creek, if you have it," he said. "If not, whatever you have on the top shelf will be just fine."

"Umm…we don't have Knob Creek, but we do have Maker's Mark," I offered, picking up a highball glass.

"What kind do _you_ prefer?" he asked and even though he wasn't smiling, his voice was.

And there was _something_ about his voice – something softer than the air around me – that reminded me of Edward's voice.

Edward…

And with no warning, his presence, his face, his eyes and body were clouding my mind again.

"_Please, Bella…please, don't be afraid." _

"_You think I'm not real?"_

"_You didn't know…and you didn't…you didn't want me."_

And I couldn't…my body couldn't control its response. The glass slipped from my hand, shattering on the wood floor. And I stood there looking down at the broken glass and all I could see was the broken look on his face when I told him he wasn't real. And even if I didn't know that he was, those moments were too vivid, too rooted in my memory, not to be attached to something genuine…something existing.

He had existed.

Edward existed.

"Bella!" Emmett yelled, coming across to me. "What the fuck happened? Are you okay?"

And I couldn't look up because I knew I would cry, knew that I would break down in the room full of people. And I couldn't do that. I'd been so strong and so good at hiding my pain. My entire adult life had been nothing but perfecting that ability.

"Bella," he said softer, gentler. "Bella, I'm worried."

I looked up at him, willing the pools of tears that lapped at the length of my lashes not to spill over.

"I'm not okay, Emmett," I told him. "I'm not okay and I need to…I have to go home."

"It's fine, Bella," he said softly. "Go."

I ran to the back and Rose followed behind me.

"Fuck, Bella," she said. "What's going on with you?"

"I don't know," I told her honestly. And that was the truth because I couldn't explain it to her even if I tried. "I just need to go."

"Let me come with you."

"I love you, but no," I said. "I just need some time…I just need to handle this on my own."

"Is this about Jake?"

I shook my head, telling her no.

"It's not about Jake," I said. "I wish…I wish that it was."

"We don't keep secrets from each other, Bella. We've always told each other about everything."

"I'll tell you," I assured her. "I will…but just not right now."

She looked at me long and hard before finally nodding her head in agreement. Reaching out to hug me, she whispered in my ear, "Fine, but I'm calling you tomorrow."

"Okay."

I squeezed her one more time and headed to my truck. I don't know how fast I drove or even how I got there because my mind was on him the entire time. He'd run away. I'd made him run away. And if all of it were true…if I wasn't fucking crazy…I knew that I would regret it.

I did.

I did regret it.

~x~

~x~

~x~

I pulled up to the house with the night silent and black around me and I ran to the door. With trembling hands, I unlocked and turned the knob, running quickly inside to the place I knew I'd left it.

It was still there.

Even if he wasn't…it still was.

I pulled the Ouija board from the bottom drawer and went back to the porch. I didn't need candles or wine to offer. Because right at the surface of who I was, I knew what I was doing…what I was offering. I only hoped that he would listen. He had listened and spoken the night before.

I needed him to speak again.

Sitting down in the darkness with no moonlight to illuminate my actions, I opened the board up and placed it on the wooden table before me. I took the planchette in my hands and I held it, gripping it tightly as it if would vanish, too. It was all I had left, my only way of connection. And I had to believe – I needed to believe – that it would work.

It had to fucking work.

My heart was pounding in my chest and my emotions were bubbling up to the surface. And I knew in that moment that the only fear I possessed was not of fear of him and who or what he was…it was a fear that I would never know. That I would never get another opportunity to find out. I placed the planchette on the board and I closed my eyes.

~x~

~x~

~x~

Breathing deeply, I began to speak.

"Edward, please," I whispered, hoping that he could hear me. "I feel like I need to be honest here. And honestly, I feel like I'm going crazy. Like, not even a little crazy. Like Mr. Rochester's first wife kind of crazy."

I laughed nervously, bitterly at my own words.

"I told you I didn't know…and the truth was I didn't. But, Edward…Edward, you have to know that on some level…I really did. I was just so fucking scared when I woke up and saw you there. I thought I'd dreamed you up…created you in my mind. And maybe I did, but now I just don't know. I don't know anything except the way you looked tonight in my room. And I hate that I did that. That I made you look like that."

I took in a deep breath, trying to calm myself and to make sense of what was happening inside me…around me. My words weren't making sense…even to me.

"That's not the entire truth. I know…I remember the way you felt last night. I remember waking up in your arms. Arms that were unfamiliar," I choked as I tried to keep myself from crying. "Arms that were unfamiliar…but Edward, they were so soft and gentle and I remember how good I felt…how safe I felt. And even though I didn't know you…even though I didn't know who you were…I felt like I was supposed to be there. And if I was supposed to be there…you…you were supposed to be there."

My attempt to keep from crying was pointless as I sat there, allowing my tears to come. My head fell between my arms and I could feel the cold wood of the table against my skin as I finally let everything go.

I don't know how long I sat there crying, but eventually I lifted my head. Nothing had happened, no movement on the board and he still wasn't there…but I continued to speak. Maybe it was to him, maybe it was to me, but as the words fell from my lips, I found that it didn't matter to whom I was speaking. I just needed to say the words.

"I don't know if it's you or me…I just know that I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired of always trying to be strong…always needing to be strong. When I'm just…not. Maybe you're not real, but a part of me…a really big fucking part of me…thinks that maybe you are. And if you are real, Edward…if you are real and you meant what you said when you told me that you wouldn't hurt me…I want you to come back. I need you to come back."

I waited. There was nothing.

No sound and no movement, just me and the board that had started it all. And I felt so fucking stupid. Stupid and alone and sitting in the dark, unwilling to admit that I'd lost my mind, even though I knew that I had.

"Please," I whimpered once more. "Please, Edward. If you were real…please, please, let me know. Please, talk to me…come to me. Show yourself to me again."

~x~

~x~

~x~

The cold of the night settled around me as I waited…and for the longest time it was nothing but the silence that screamed at me, telling me that I was wrong.

He wasn't real.

He wasn't real.

"You're not real," I sobbed softly, heartbroken and more confused than ever.

~x~

~x~

~x~

"I am real," he whispered. "Bella, I am."

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

A/N

Reviews are love.

Please, leave me some.

Thank you to Marvar for betaing this chapter, for reading it in sections as I placed it all together…and for a million other things. But mostly, thank you for being such a wonderful friend to me. I adore you.

Thanks to Caren (Nerac), rainamd, and ltlerthqak for pre-reading. You guys are awsome and are more than welcome to play in my box whenever you want.

And thank you to every single person who takes the time to read this story. I love and appreciate you all.

My recc' this week:

**Died and Gone to Heaven by DoUTrustMe**: This fic was wonderful and funny and sweet. I spent the morning reading it and pretty much smiling the whole time. Please, check it out and leave her some love.


	9. Volition

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 8**

I was already in the woods by the time I heard the slam of her screen door.

Running.

I had to run away…to get away from her, from her tears, from the terrified look in her eyes and the trembling, shaking fear that I saw in her body. The fear that I had caused.

I was a fucking monster.

I was a fucking monster and the realization of everything that I had done crashed over me.

I had watched her. Stalked her. I had followed her home the very first time I saw her and I had returned night after night. Waiting in the woods. Listening to her. Violating her privacy. Stealing her moments that didn't belong to me. They never had.

She should have been scared of me.

I was scared of myself.

The sound of her falling and her strangled and choking cry pierced my heart…and I stopped. I listened to her, fighting every urge I had to return to make sure that she was okay. And I knew that she wasn't. She wasn't okay, and that was because of me. Because of what I had done. My own cry filled the silent woods as I fell to my knees, pulling at my hair and losing myself in the pain of understanding that this was the way it was supposed to be. I didn't deserve her warmth. I was never worthy of her touches, her kisses…of the joy I'd felt when I held her.

None of it was meant for me.

Not a moment of it was mine.

And then the pain was new and fresh as I remembered. The way her sleeping body had curled into mine and the way her breathing was like a sigh, as if my touch was something she'd been missing. She might have been sleeping, but I wasn't. I remembered every moment in stunning detail – could recollect the feeling of her skin against mine, all hot and silk and soft. The way it felt when she gasped into my ear as I touched and explored her. I was dizzy with the memory of her scent…her taste. And she – she had begged me to do it! Pleaded with me and told me that she wanted me…but she didn't.

"Fuck," I sobbed. "She didn't fucking want me!"

And the pain that came with that realization was staggering. It was as if it were happening all over again. And I felt my mind sink deeper into that place – that place that I hadn't allowed myself to go for so many years. A place that was desolate and abandoned. And even though I thought she had been different…she just wasn't. She didn't want me. Just like…

"No…she didn't know," I whispered to myself. "She didn't know you were real. She didn't…she didn't know what you were."

And I knew that it was completely different with her because of that. Her reaction to me in her room when she woke up was what it should have been the night before. And I was the fucking stupid and reckless one for allowing myself the luxury of hope when I knew – I fucking knew – that there was no place for hope in my word. Just like there was no place for me in hers.

There never had been.

~x~

~x~

~x~

I waited until I heard her leave. A part of me wondered if she would be too upset to go, but she wasn't. Or maybe she was scared. Her home had been violated – maybe she didn't feel safe. And then another wave of pain engulfed me as I wondered if she was going to _him_. Would she go to him because he made her feel safe? And suddenly, I needed to know.

Self-loathing enveloped me as I ran through the woods. I knew where I was going and I made my way easily through the trees. I had followed this path night after night. And I knew that I had no right to do it – that there was no justification that could exonerate my actions. But I also knew what I was – she had shown me. With her cries and with her words and with the way her body cowered in my presence. She knew I was a monster and she thought that I would hurt her.

And I had.

I had hurt her.

I had scared her.

And because of that, I would follow her this one last time to ensure that she was safe…and then I would disappear.

_I was a master at disappearing._

_I would do it again._

I made my way to the dark alley behind the bar. I waited – not knowing if she would come – but knowing that I would have been faster than her truck. I waited, wanting to make sure that she was okay. Once I knew that she was there, I could go…I could run and she would never have to think about me again. She could go on with her life as if none of it had ever happened. As if I had never been there…held her…touched and kissed her. And I knew that I would never forget those moments, those hours…but she was human. Her life was fleeting and she would forget.

I welcomed and embraced the stabbing pain I felt at the thought.

Moments later, I heard her truck in the distance. I stayed in the dark, wanting to see her onnce more. She jumped out of the truck and I saw her face one last time. I'd memorized every feature, every line. The soft, full pout of her lips…the delicate angle of her jaw. She was beautiful and I took all of her in, knowing that I would spend the rest of my immeasurable existence remembering. She was a part of me now.

I would never, ever forget her.

She disappeared inside and I was gone.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

I ran back to my house on the outskirts of Forks. It was a small place. I'd never really needed much space anyway. It was enough for me to retreat to when I needed the quiet that the distance from town allowed. I had no neighbors to speak of for miles and miles. And even though I'd only been in this part of the country for a couple months, I thought that I could exist here for a while without notice.

It was easy to homogenize in a place like this. It was one of the reasons I'd chosen, not just the Pacific Northwest, but Forks in general. Small town people, while they tended to be gossipy, were for the most part, leery of the unknown. They would usually keep their distance and with my ability to hear them, I would be able to tell if anyone suspected anything.

That had all changed when I met her.

Bella.

She was the first person in all of my years that I had never been able to hear. And as I stood in the desolate space of my home – my home that I would now have to leave – I wanted to grieve. Not just the loss of her, but the loss of this place where I thought that I could withdraw and escape even further away from my past.

From him.

From them.

It had been for the best.

But I would have to start all over again. And I knew that I could do it…would have to do it. Not just for me, for my pain was inconsequential. It would be for her. I would never hurt her again. And I still couldn't fathom my own stupidity that I'd allowed any of it to happen. It was all my fault.

It was then that I remembered the text. Why was he contacting me after all these years? I always knew he would know how to find me…and I'd known that he would be available to me if I'd ever needed him again for anything. But I also knew what came with his presence. And I couldn't handle that right now.

I never really could.

I decided to call him to see what he was talking about. What he knew…because clearly, I had no idea. Why would he think I would come here? And why, for that matter, was it any of his concern?

I pulled my phone from my pocket and dialed the number that appeared on my screen. And I waited, as it rang, to hear his voice. I knew he would answer.

"I was expecting your call," he said chuckling darkly. "It's been too long, Edward."

"What do you want?"

"Well, I see that you're still not one for many words," he said smoothly. "But I think that you and I both know that the question you should be asking is what do _you_ want?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

And I didn't.

"Come on now," he coaxed. "I know you…and I know why you're here."

I was growing tired of his words, his insinuations.

"Yeah, well, maybe you should tell me," I said. "Since you seem to know so much."

"The only question is," he continued, as if he were ignoring me completely, "the only question remains…why? Why after all these years? I'll never understand you."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

I could hear him laughing and it infuriated me. He'd always thought he'd known me so well. And maybe he did know me more than just about anyone else…but that had been a long time ago.

"Edward," he sighed, his voice growing serious. "I told you, I know why. Don't lie to me. And I understand, man. I really do."

"Listen, I'm not in the mood to play these fucking games with you," I growled. "Always with the words. It always has been with you. I was through with it then and I'm fucking through with it now."

"Don't forget, Edward," he snapped. "You were the one that came to me _all those years ago_. It was you. I didn't seek you out. You came to me."

At his words, I was there. In that place again, broken and confused and so fucking unknowing. It was all too much. It was _still_ too much. But I had learned to control that shit. I had beaten it down and now…now, it was manageable.

"I thought I needed help," I told him. "I thought that if I could just…if you could just…but you couldn't."

"You didn't give it a chance, Edward."

"It was years of fucking chances!" I screamed. "Years of fucking trying and coping and…nothing!"

"You never let it go," he said softer, but his voice was still firm. "You still haven't. And I know that's why you're here."

"You. Don't. Know. Anything."

"Don't lie to me, Edward." His voice was hard and caused me to take pause. "Even from here, I can tell."

"What do you know?" I asked. "Exactly?"

"Meet me for a drink?"

I laughed bitterly at his words.

"We don't drink."

"Just because the whiskey doesn't burn," he said, "doesn't mean we can't enjoy the flavor."

"Where are you?" I asked, suddenly panicked.

"At a little shithole in the wall," he said. "In Forks. I'm pretty sure you know where I am."

"What are you doing there?"

My body was tight, my fist and jaw clenched as I growled. He was there with her…with Bella.

"Checking out the locals," he said. I heard the flick of silver, the dry sizzle of tobacco. I could almost see the flame illuminate his face as he inhaled. "They're a really interesting group…one of them in particular."

"Who?" I asked, trying to keep my voice calm.

"Some girl…Bella," he said her name as if it were nothing, and I felt my chest tighten. "The bartender. I could feel the emotions coming off of her in waves. Would have been even more interesting to have you here, so you could tell me what she was thinking."

He laughed.

"Why would I care about that?" I asked, and the words that exited my mouth about not caring about her were far more blasphemous than my existence.

"No reason," he said. "Though, it got interesting before she left."

_She left?_

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I could feel this agony…this pain," he said. "It was unusual to feel that sort of emotion from a human. So raw and deep. It was fascinating, really. But then she dropped and shattered a glass," he chuckled. "My glass, in fact. I waited…for the blood. You know, it's been a long time since I tested my control like that."

"Did she bleed?" I asked, my voice raw. "Was she hurt?"

"No…but I'll bet that she would fucking taste amazing."

And just the idea of that – of him tasting her, of him hurting her – sent me into a near manic rage. I didn't think he would do it, but there were no guarantees. I knew what I had to do. She might be afraid of me, but I could…I would protect her.

"I have to go," I growled.

"Edward?"

"What?" I snapped.

"I'll be in touch."

I slammed my phone shut and I was running. I was running back to her and even though I knew that she wouldn't want to see me, I could stand outside her house and I could make sure that she was safe.

_I had to keep her safe._

~x~

~x~

~x~

She was just pulling into the drive when I arrived. It was silent except for the sound of her shallow breathing and the erratic beat of her pounding heart. Her eyes were puffy and swollen and I could tell that she had been crying…but even then, she was still so fucking beautiful. She would remain – always – the most beautiful woman I had ever known.

Her hands trembled as she unlocked her door and I heard her run into the house, he boots clicking on the wooden floor and then she stopped. And when she stopped, for a moment, the beat of her heart stilled, too. I wondered what she was doing, wondered why she would have come back here. I knew she was scared – _that I had scared her_. Did she have no one to go to? And then – just for a moment – I allowed myself to think that she could have come back for me.

But that was impossible.

She had seen me for what I really was. Not just the monster, but the man that would come into her home, trespass on her safe and personal places. Her room, her bed…her arms and body. And that look in her eyes had told me everything. She would never look at me the way she'd looked at me the night before. Her eyes would never be that trusting again…because she thought I wasn't real. And when she knew that I was – when she saw that I was – her eyes were truthful. Her eyes were terrified.

Her feet were moving again…running. And before I could try to figure out what she was doing, the door opened and she was on the porch. And she was holding a box. And as I looked closer, I could see exactly what the box was. She was holding the Ouija board.

_Fuck me; she had it in her hands_.

I held my useless breath – afraid to move, afraid to think, afraid of allowing myself the surge of hope that tried to push its way from my stomach to my throat. It was impossible, wasn't it? Why was she doing this? I didn't understand, couldn't wrap my mind around it. She had been afraid of me. This couldn't - it was impossible that this was about me.

She sat down, the board in front of her and the wooden piece gripped tightly in her hand. Her frail shoulders slumped, but I could tell that the rest of her body was painstakingly on edge. I watched her and still…still I didn't breathe or dare move. I was afraid of what I would see as I watched her, afraid of what I wouldn't. I knew the exact moment she was about to speak because her heart was beating furiously in her chest and just as she drew in a deep breath, everything slowed…everything stopped.

~x~

~x~

~x~

"Edward, please..."

I knew that she was speaking, whispering…and even though I could hear every single word, my mind and body could only focus on the impossible fact, the unbelievable knowledge that she had said my name.

She was speaking to me.

Bewilderment and confusion surrounded me at the very thought of that. And unadulterated joy and pain – both equally consuming – filled my silent heart. She was scared and confused and she thought that she was crazy. And I wanted to cry out because she wasn't, but how could she not feel that way? Her bitter laughter stabbed and punctured me, but her words – her fucking broken and beautiful and honest words – rendered me silent.

"I told you I didn't know…and the truth was I didn't. But, Edward…Edward, you have to know that on some level…I really did. I was just so fucking scared when I woke up and saw you there. I thought I'd dreamed you up…created you in my mind. And maybe I did, but now I just don't know. I don't know anything except the way you looked tonight in my room. And I hate that I did that. That I made you look like that."

Even then…even fucking then, after everything that had happened, she was concerned, not with herself, but with me. She was worried about me. And my limitless mind couldn't wrap itself around that truth.

It's a strange and desperate thing, to be so alone and unworthy of any kind of acceptance and affection. I had gone for so long knowing and recognizing that truth. And it wasn't until her, until I saw her, until I couldn't hear her that I wanted. She made me want. Not just the desire to not be alone…but to be with someone.

To be with her.

"That's not the entire truth. I know…I remember the way you felt last night. I remember waking up in your arms. Arms that were unfamiliar," she said, choking back a sob.

My arms instinctively reached out to her, wanting to offer her comfort. But still, I knew that I shouldn't. I could see the memory of her face when she finally saw me for what I really was. And I couldn't…I couldn't go to her. I couldn't allow myself to go to her because I knew that my existence, my presence in her life would only cause her pain. But still she continued speaking.

"Arms that were unfamiliar…but Edward, they were so soft and gentle and I remember how good I felt…how safe I felt. And even though I didn't know you…even though I didn't know who you were…I felt like I was supposed to be there. And if I was supposed to be there…you…you were supposed to be there."

She still wanted me.

She still wanted me and was telling me, trying to tell me, trying to reach out to me through the board because that was the last thing she remembered was real. And her sobs fucking broke me as I watched her cry, fighting with myself to go and offer her comfort…to offer _myself_ comfort. She fucking knew and she still fucking wanted me to be there with her. And she had wanted me to be with her the night before. Was that even possible? It couldn't be and yet…those were her words. Hers. Spoken out loud and to me.

And her words…her beautiful, fucking words still came.

"I don't know if it's you or me…I just know that I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired of always trying to be strong…always needing to be strong. When I'm just…not. Maybe you're not real, but a part of me…a really big fucking part of me…thinks that maybe you are. And if you are real, Edward…if you are real and you meant what you said when you told me that you wouldn't hurt me…I want you to come back. I need you to come back."

She wanted me.

She needed me.

I refused to allow myself to think beyond those words. Her request. I walked quietly, approaching her slowly. And as I walked, I watched her. She thought she wasn't strong, but she was. She was the bravest fucking person I'd ever met in all of my years. She was so beautiful and I didn't know…I was so conflicted about what I should do. I knew that she would be better off without me. She had been better off without me before. She had to have been.

Could I really do this?

Could I be that man?

I wanted to be. She made me want to be…but I just didn't know.

It was so fucking dark as I stood at the edge of her porch on her steps. The chill in the air was unnoticeable to me, but I recognized it as I watched her body shiver and shudder. I told myself that I could still leave. I could still leave and she would be okay…she would have to be okay. But then, she whispered, "Please." And with that word, she annihilated me.

"Please, Edward. If you were real…please, please, let me know. Please, talk to me…come to me. Show yourself to me again."

And with her words…with that one heartfelt and desperate plea, she fucking killed me, and I knew that there was nothing that she could ever ask for that I wouldn't give.

I stepped silently onto the porch, my entire body begging to just go to her and I knew that this was it. This was the moment. If I made this choice, I would be done. And while part of me was completely relieved and amazed with her…just her and who she was…what she was asking for, part of me knew that she deserved better.

"You're not real," she sobbed.

And I was fucking done.

I was there and I would show her who I was.

~x~

~x~

~x~

"I am real," I whispered, stepping fully onto the porch. "Bella, I am."

Her head shot up and she looked at me – for the first fucking time, awake and knowing – she looked at me. And in her eyes I saw everything I'd seen the night before. There was no fear or question…just acknowledgement and acceptance.

And then she sobbed.

Her whole body was trembling and shaking, and I fell before her on my knees. And this time it was me, my words begging and pleading for forgiveness.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered. "I'm so fucking sorry for everything. For all of this. For everything that I caused. This was all my fault. All of it…and I'm so sorry, Bella. I never meant to hurt you…to…to scare you."

I lifted my eyes to hers, they were wet and deep and awed…but still there was no fear.

"You're here," she whispered. "It's you and you're here. I'm not crazy."

She reached out tentatively and touched my face. I knew that I was cold and hard. I knew that I was different. But her eyes didn't read that. They didn't show anything daunting and fearful. And her touch was like fire; it stroked and soothed me in a way that I didn't deserve. I didn't deserve it, but I submerged myself in the way her skin felt against mine. Her gentle touch that was far more comforting than any home I'd ever known.

"You're not," I whispered. "You're not…and I'm so sorry that I made you feel like you were."

I wanted to touch her, but I didn't know if I should…if she'd want me to. So, I just stayed there, kneeling at her feet and feeling her hand as she continued to touch my face and stroke my hair, knowing that with each touch she was breaking down my resolve.

"I can't believe you came back," she whispered. "I mean…I just can't believe you did. _And you're real_. I mean, I'm touching you…I can _feel_ you and I don't understand any of it."

"I'm so sorry," I whispered. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry."

Again and again the words came from my mouth. It was as if I would never be able to tell her – to express to her just how sorry I was for causing all of this – for doing all of this.

"Why do you keep saying that?" she asked, her voice still filled with tears, but soft and warm and so accepting that I would never be able to understand. "Why? Why are you sorry?"

"You don't deserve this," I whispered. "You don't deserve any of this."

"I don't understand."

And there was the truth – the staggering truth that she didn't understand. Who I was. What I was. She didn't understand any of it.

"I know you don't," I told her. "I know you don't. And Bella…Bella, you shouldn't have to. You shouldn't want to."

I could feel her breath as it ghosted and blew across my face and her warmth was still heaven. She was still heaven and I didn't deserve it…I didn't deserve her.

"Don't do that," she whispered. "Don't do that again. You did that last night."

"You remember?" I asked. "You remember last night?"

"It was real, wasn't it?" she asked, her voice shaking slightly. "You were…are…you are real. All of it really happened?"

And I didn't know what to say to her questions because I knew that she could and probably would hate me for the truth. But the truth was all I had, so I simply murmured, "Yes."

Tears filled her eyes again and even though I thought I knew what she was feeling, I was so fucking ashamed of myself for what I'd done.

For making her cry.

"Please, Bella," I said, my voice soft and low and thick. "Please, forgive me. When you woke up…I thought…I thought you wanted me. It thought you knew…"

"I thought I was dreaming," she whispered. "I thought…I thought…"

She bit down on her lower lip and the sound of her heart filled the silence.

"It was because of the Ouija board," she finally continued. "It was you, wasn't it? You spoke to me."

"Yes."

And then she looked at me as if she were trying to figure something out and I could feel her body tremble and I didn't want her to be afraid.

"Are you dead?"

_How the fuck did I answer that question?_

"Bella," I rasped. "Bella, I think we should go inside. There are some things I need to tell you."

"What?" she whispered.

"The truth, Bella," I said, lifting my hands to hers for the first time. She touched them softly at first and then squeezed them before sliding them into mine. "I need to tell you the truth."

~x~

~x~

~x~

"Okay."

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

A/N

Reviews are love.

Please levae me some.

Thank you to my beta and bestie, Marvar. I should be embarrassed by how many errors you find in my docs, but you never make me feel that way. I adore you and the way you make my writing better.

Thanks to Caren (Nerac), rainamd and ltlerthqak for pre-reading. You guys make me think about things and you always make the chapters better!

And thanks to everyone that is reading this story! Your comments and tweets and love in general make me smile and I can't tell you how much I appreciate each one of you. You guys are awesome!


	10. Discourse

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 9**

"I need to tell you the truth."

I could feel his hands, they were so cold…even colder than mine. And it was cold outside, freezing actually. I looked down at him, his eyes, and his icy hands that were holding mine…I knew he was different, but I also knew that I didn't care. And I knew this felt right and for some reason that was beyond me, I knew that he wouldn't hurt me. So I whispered, "Okay."

He stood up, lifting my hands and pulling me with him as he did. He looked tentative, scared – and I couldn't help but wonder what he was scared of. It was as if our roles were reversed.

"Are you sure, Bella?"

I didn't know exactly what he meant or what his question held, I only knew that I was. I was sure I needed to know what _his_ truth was – and in that moment – I was sure of him.

"Yes, Edward," I said. "I am."

He let go of one of my hands, still holding the other one reverently as I led him into my house. It was dark inside. I'd never turned the lights on in my frantic rush when I'd returned home. It dawned on me that I was standing in the dark with a man that may or may not have been dead. I was oddly calmed by the fact that his hand was still holding mine and it felt right and so fucking good as I laced my fingers with his. I heard him gasp softly at the movement and I gave him a gentle squeeze, trying to ignore the hard and almost granite texture.

He was different from me.

But he was real.

I reached over to the wall and flipped on the light switch. It turned on the lamp that was standing in the corner, casting a warm and golden glow over the room. It didn't escape me, that it was the first time I'd been in a room with him where there was light. And it was my turn to be scared as I lifted my eyes and really looked at him – in the light – for the first time.

And the sight of him took my breath away.

Edward was beautiful.

Not just beautiful, but flawless. His skin looked smooth and was completely unblemished. The line of his jaw was angled in a way that was reminiscent of classic works of art. His lips looked soft, the bottom one slightly fuller than the top. And even though I could still feel the chill of the night, my face and body flushed as unbidden, images flickered in my mind of them kissing me, caressing my skin…my breasts…the hot and secret part of me that suddenly clenched at the vivid recollection of how they felt moving against me. I was overcome with the knowledge that all of it _had _really happened. I looked down, suddenly embarrassed and his hand reached out and touched my chin, pulling my eyes up, so that I was looking into his eyes.

"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice soft and smooth and wrapping around me. "Bella?"

I wanted to answer him – truly, I did – but I was overcome with the sight of his obsidian eyes gazing intently into my own. They were wide and deep and haunted…and they were truly and purely ebony, sharp like the keys of a piano. They were so black, in fact, that I couldn't distinguish his iris from his pupil.

"Bella?" he asked again.

"I…I'm sorry," I stammered. "It's just…you're just…"

"What?" he whispered.

"Edward," I said, feeling the gentle sweep of his thumb against my chin. "Edward, you're beautiful."

His movement stilled and there was no sound, as I saw a fleeting look of pain cross his face. He touched my cheek softly and the cool of his hand felt good against my heated skin.

"You're wrong," he said, his voice thick and low. "I'm not beautiful. I'm not beautiful at all."

"You are," I insisted.

"You don't," he said, harder this time. "You don't see the real me…who I am, Bella…what I am."

I leaned my face into his hand, fully. His touch was so gentle and I knew I should be afraid…that everything about him was screaming that I should, but there was something there between us –something about _him _that my body and soul instinctually trusted. It was confusing and yes…a part of it was scary, but it was the kind electrifying scary that I felt before I did something exciting like cliff diving. And it might have been reckless, but I knew I needed to jump.

"Then tell me," I urged him. "Show me who you are, Edward. I want to know. I want to know you."

He sighed, loudly, stroking my cheek one more time before dropping his hand. I missed his touch immediately, but took comfort in the fact that he was still holding my hand.

"Maybe you…I mean we," he said. "Maybe we should sit down."

Sitting down.

Right.

Something told me that sitting down probably wouldn't make what he was about to say any less difficult to take, but I will willing to sit if it meant that he would still remain close to me. And just the thought of that eased me because I knew that on some level, it didn't matter what he'd say…because I still wanted him there.

Beside me.

With me.

I led him to the couch – the same couch where I'd sat with Jacob that morning – the same couch where I couldn't get him out of my mind. I'd thought he was a dream then. I thought he was this perfect and erotic fantasy I'd created in my mind, after a night with one too many cocktails and some unexplainable supernatural occurrence that I wasn't _absolutely_ positive was real either. Even though, a part of me knew that there was no way it could have been fabricated.

Once we were seated I drew in a shaky breath. My nerves had settled somewhat, but my body still tingled with the remaining stress of the night and the powerful and almost delicious anticipation that he was there…and he was going to share himself with me.

And I wanted him to share so much.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "Bella, I need to know that you're okay."

The sound of his voice was as beautiful as my memory. There was something almost melodic about the tone, something just shy of entrancing…hypnotic. It was as if I were to sit there and listen to him long enough, he'd make me want to share all my secrets. Bare myself.

And I had.

I'd bared myself to him.

Maybe not in the sense that I had shared my secrets, but I had been more intimate with him than almost anyone. I had been naked with him in my bed. He had touched and explored me and I had felt his skin under my hands, under my body. And I couldn't get the images out of my mind.

"Bella?"

His question pulled me from my thoughts that honestly, felt more like fantasies. I knew I was blushing and I wondered if he could tell what I was thinking.

"Umm…yeah," I said. "No, yeah…I'm okay."

His brow furrowed as he looked at me and I wondered what he was thinking. His eyebrows were full, but not bushy, shaped but not sculpted. And as I looked at him, I noticed that there were elements of Edward that were almost unreal – too perfect to be real. While this made me question what he really was, it also made me self-conscious about my own physical attributes. I felt so plain…so ordinary. His expression softened as his eyes dropped down to our joined hands. He lifted my hand, staring at it – examining it. I could feel the gentle pressure of his thumb against my palm.

"You're so soft," he said, breaking the short silence that had settled between us. "And delicate…and warm."

"You're not," I told him. It was mostly an observation, but as I looked at him and my words sunk in, I realized that I didn't think my observation was completely accurate. "No. I'm wrong."

His eyes met mine.

"You were right," he whispered. "I'm cold and hard and…different from you. In so many ways, Bella."

I could feel his cold, hard skin. There was no denying that he was different. But there was something about Edward that was delicate. Something fracturable – something that was quite possibly, already broken.

"Tell me," I whispered. "Tell me how…tell me why you're different."

My heartbeat spiked as I thought about the fact that he communicated with me through the Ouija board. It wasn't possible that he was dead…that he was a spirit. I was _touching_ him. He was there, _physically_ in front of me. I could feel him. And even though he felt different – he was definitely real.

"You're right to be scared," he said.

"How do you know I'm scared?"

I was.

"I can hear it…feel it," he said solemnly. "Your heartbeat."

He looked at me, his smile sad.

"You can feel my heartbeat?" I repeated. "You can hear it?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"My senses," he said. "They're…heightened."

"I don't understand," I whispered. And I didn't. I didn't understand any of it. "Heightened how?"

"Right now," he whispered, bringing one of his hands to my chest and placing against my heart. "Right now your heartbeat is elevated; it's beating rapidly, though it's steady. You have a heart murmur. Did you know that?"

My eyes widened…and I gasped.

"How did…how…" I was shocked. "How did you know that?"

I did have a heart murmur. They discovered it when I was a child. It wasn't supposed to be a big deal. It was something that was fairly common…benign, the doctor said.

"I can feel the murmur," he said. "It's very faint. Though, right now…your…your _blood_," he breathed in deeply, "your blood is circulating much faster than it would be normally. That's indicative of fear."

"I'm not afraid," I lied, trying to wrap my mind around what he was saying.

He looked at me and I could tell that he knew I was lying.

"Of you," I added. "I'm not afraid of you."

And that was the truth.

"You should be," he said. "Of all the things that you _should_ be afraid of, I am at the top of the list."

"Why?" I whispered. "Is it because…" I stopped, not sure I really wanted to ask the question that was positioned on the tip of my tongue.

"What?" he whispered. "What were you going to ask?"

His palm was still on my heart, the feel of it was soothing for reasons that I couldn't explain…even to myself.

"I'm sorry," he said, pulling it away.

I stopped him with both of my hands, pulling him back to my chest.

"Don't," I said. "I liked it. I – I like it. Please don't pull away from me."

His gaze was intense and as I looked into his dark eyes, I could see that he was scared. I didn't have any special abilities. I couldn't hear his heart or feel his blood…but I knew fear when I saw it. And Edward was scared. Just as scared as me.

Maybe more.

"What were you going to ask?" he said. "Before. You stopped. What did you want to ask me?"

I had to think about it…had to try to remember. Everything about him made me lose my train of thought. Everything about him pulled me in deeper, made me want to be…closer. I closed my eyes, hoping that the absence of his beauty would help me focus.

The silence between us hovered.

Even _I_ could hear my heart beating.

"The Ouija board," I finally whispered. "You communicated with me…spoke to me…on the board."

"Yes," he said simply.

"How did you do that?" I asked. "How did you…how could it…? It moved."

My lips were dry and I instinctively licked them. And then I opened my eyes. He was looking at my mouth.

Drier.

Now they were even drier.

"I don't know how that happened," he said. "I didn't…I mean I don't…I still don't understand that."

I swallowed thickly, my tongue felt large and foreign in my mouth.

"But it did happen," I whispered, looking more for his confirmation than my own acknowledgment. "The planchette moved."

"Yes," he said, his voice low. "It _did_ happen. Bella, you're not crazy."

At his words, I felt tears fill my eyes and spill hotly down my cheeks. I didn't know if it was the relief that I hadn't lost my mind, or if it was the overwhelming emotion that was consuming me from having him so close.

There with me and talking.

Answering my questions.

"How?" I whispered, wanting to wipe my face, but not wanting to let go of his hand that I was clutching to my chest. "Are you, Edward? Are you dead? Are you a ghost?"

"No, Bella," he said. "I'm not a ghost. I'm…I'm worse."

He reached up and wiped the tears that were still running down my cheeks. The chill of his hand was soothing, calming. I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to ignore the fact that he said he was something worse than a spirit…something worse than dead. Because – in that moment – it didn't matter what he was. It only mattered that he was there. And regardless of what he was, he offered me comfort. And I knew that he wouldn't hurt me.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked. "I don't…I don't understand."

"What?" I asked, leaning into his palm.

"Why are you letting me touch you?" he asked, his voice frustrated but gentle. "Why do you keep letting me touch you?"

"I don't know," I said, opening my eyes and staring into his.

"No," he said. "You don't. You don't, and when you do…it will be like it was before. It will be like it was when you looked at me in your room tonight. When you were scared…and you should be scared of me, Bella."

"I'm not scared of you," I insisted.

He laughed. It sounded dark…tortured. Like his eyes. And I wanted to know what made him that way. I wanted to know what made this beautiful man feel as if he were unworthy to touch me. I was nothing special. But he _definitely_ was. I just didn't know how.

"You have no sense of self-preservation," he told me. "None at all. I've never met anyone so trusting, so willing to just… _Fuck_!"

His voice was hard. Even more anguished than before. I felt the need to throw my arms around him and I knew that was crazy – that maybe he was right. But I also knew that I didn't care. Something about him called to me…pulled me in. It made me want to know him…to hold him…to touch him. Not just physically, but emotionally.

"Willing to what?" I asked him.

"Willing to allow yourself to be placed in a dangerous situation," he said. "Bella…I'm dangerous."

His words should have scared me, but they didn't.

"How are you dangerous?" I asked him, my tone more challenging that it probably should have been for someone who just told me they were dangerous. "Are you going to hurt me?"

"I could hurt you very easily," he said. "Too easily."

The last part was whispered – almost as if it were more of an afterthought to him than to me. His eyes grew even sadder…even more pained. And I couldn't understand the dichotomy that he was presenting himself to be.

The man that was cold, yet caused me to flush.

The man that said he could hurt me, yet was touching me so gently that it almost caused my heart to break a little.

"That's not what I asked you," I maintained.

"What do you mean?"

"I asked you if you were going to hurt me," I said, louder this time. "Not if you _could_ hurt me. There's a really big difference in those two questions, Edward."

I looked at him and still, he said nothing.

"It doesn't feel like you will hurt me," I said, my voice becoming thick with my emotion. "It didn't feel…it didn't feel like you would hurt me last night."

I squeezed his hand that was still on my chest as I thought about the way he'd touched me. The way he made me feel. It was the closest I'd ever come to making love and we hadn't even had sex. It was far more intimate than any sex I'd ever had.

I knew my heart was pounding and I knew that he could hear or feel it, too. I still didn't understand that, but I pushed it from my mind. There was a lot I didn't understand, but I could feel him pulling away and just the thought of that seemed more painful than anything I could imagine. Even if I didn't understand why.

"Will you?" I asked again. "Will you hurt me, Edward?"

"I could."

His voice was so low, I could barely hear it.

"Stop that," I asserted. "Stop doing that. You know what I'm asking you. Will. You. Hurt. Me?"

I was grasping his hand so tightly that I wondered if I was hurting him. If I was, he showed no evidence of pain on his face. He looked at me intently, determinedly. And I refused to break his gaze.

"Never," he rasped. "Bella, I would never hurt you."

~x~

~x~

~x~

"I know."

His eyes flashed with something, some spark, some incandescent glimmer of…_something _that looked like hope. And in his eyes that had been so bleak – so fucking pained and dejected – that even the idea of hope caused something inside me to bubble up and spill out.

Before I could stop myself, I tried to pull him to me, wanting to feel his lips on mine. He didn't budge. It felt as if I was trying to move something that was more unmovable than a mountain. And I couldn't understand that was possible.

"No," he whispered. "Bella, you don't want this…you can't…you can't want me."

"You don't know what I want."

His face registered something…some knowledge or recognition. And I could tell that he was breaking…crumbling just like me. The need to give into whatever this was between us. And even if we didn't understand it completely – or at all, for that matter – we understood its inevitability.

"Please," I said. "Edward, please."

Still clinging to him, I decided that I would bridge the distance, but before I could…he came. He came to me with a groan that was far more desperate and sexy than anything I had ever known. His mouth covered mine and I moved my lips against his, opening them and whimpering into his mouth. His breath was wintery and it tingled as I sucked it in…needing him…tasting him. And he tasted so good – like clover honey and chamomile tea. His lips were rigid yet fluid in their movement, teasing and giving all at the same time. I brought my hands to his face, drawing him closer as he pulled on my bottom lip, surrounding it in gentle suction.

His kisses making me bolder, I raised up on my knees, swinging one of my legs over him and settling myself on his lap. This caused him to groan louder and only served to fill me with more desire, more passion and need than before. I moved my lips across his cheek and he buried his face in my neck.

"You're so warm," he whispered. "You're so fucking warm."

My hands were in his hair, feeling the silky texture as it ran through my fingers. His hands settled on my hips, right at the small of my back, and I could feel him gripping the cotton of my shirt in his hands. And all I could think about was that I wanted it to be me. I wanted him to grab me – wanted him to touch me – to take me the way he had the night before.

"Please," I whispered in his ear, before biting down on his lobe. "Please…don't stop."

I pushed myself against him, feeling him hard between us, and it was only further proof…further validation that all of this was real. That he had been there with me the night before. That he was actually there with me now. I pressed myself against him again…and then again…and then once more until I found that I was grinding myself fully against him. His whimpers and cries only served to arouse me more and triggered my need to feel even more of him.

_I wanted to feel all of him._

"You…we…fuck, we need to stop," he rasped, his voice husky and broken.

"Don't," I said. "Please don't stop."

"It's too hard," he said. "I can't…I just can't when you…when you don't know."

My heart was pounding, every nerve in my body alive and deliciously on edge with my desire…my desire for him. I could feel the whooshing in my ears as my blood pumped furiously through my veins. And then I knew. I fucking knew that it didn't matter. Nothing mattered but him…but me…but us.

"I don't care," I told him, grabbing his face and looking into his eyes. "Don't you see?" I cried. "Don't you know? Can't you fucking tell? It doesn't matter who you are…what you think you are, Edward! I can feel you! I know that you're here…that you…that you're supposed to be here."

"No!" he cried, his voice louder than it ever had been. "You don't know. You don't fucking know! You only know what you want to believe! You only see the illusion of the man…and not the fucking monster that I am, Bella!"

His words were like a slap and even though I flinched away from the acidic hatred in his voice, I refused to let go of him. I knew that it wasn't about me. It was about him. He thought he was a monster.

But he wasn't.

_I knew that he wasn't._

"Then tell me," I demanded. "Tell me, Edward. Tell me why. Tell me…tell me how. Because I don't see it. I don't feel it. Don't you think that this is all supposed to mean _something_?"

I was crying then, hating myself for feeling weak and knowing I needed to be strong for reasons I didn't understand. He had to feel this pull between us. It was why he was here. It was why he'd come back.

"Please don't cry, Bella," he whispered. "I'm always fucking making you cry."

"Tell me who you are," I said. "Tell me. Tell me and allow me to make my own decision. Don't run away. Don't hide from me. Don't hide from me because I've seen you. I see you. And Edward…Edward, I want to know you. And for the first time in my whole fucked up life…I want someone to really know me, too."

"Your words are too much," he whispered. "It's you words and your mind and your body and your blood."

"What do you mean?"

_Nothing._

"What do you mean, Edward?"

_Still nothing._

"Please, talk to me," I whispered. "You told me that you'd tell me the truth."

The intensity in his eyes scared me, but I refused to show it. I didn't care if he could hear my heart…didn't care _how _he could hear my heart. He was going to talk to me, and I refused to let him run away again.

"I can't hear you," he finally said. "I can't hear you and your words are too much."

"What do you mean my words are too much?" I asked, something tickling in the back of my mind, telling me that I was focusing on the wrong thing.

"You can't mean them," he said sadly. "You can't mean what you're saying and I can't know if you're telling the truth."

"How would you know?" I asked, my voice small.

He sighed loudly, reaching up to touch my cheek again. My eyes closed in a silent prayer that he would never stop.

"Bella," he whispered. "I can…I can hear other people's thoughts."

"Like a mind-reader?" I asked.

"Yes."

My mind flipped and spun with that knowledge and immediately, I wondered if he could hear what I was thinking. But then I remembered that he said that he couldn't. Suddenly it all began to make sense, but then I realized that nothing really made sense at all.

"And you…can you…can you hear mine?"

"No."

"You c-can't hear me?" I asked, my voice shaking.

"No," he whispered. "I can't."

"And what?" I asked. "You don't believe me?"

I felt his thumb reach across and stroke my bottom lip. It trembled from his touch…or the cold. I wasn't really sure anymore. My eyes searched his, wanting an answer, but needing to know so much more than he was telling me. And without thinking, I gently kissed the tip of his thumb, causing him to gasp.

"I want to," he said. "I really fucking want to."

"Then it looks like you're going to have to trust me."

"What if you can't trust me?" he asked. "What if…when you know the truth…what if _you_ can't trust _me_?"

His voice was so vulnerable…so unsettled and soft. He looked just like I felt and I couldn't bear it anymore. I couldn't bear the distance and I couldn't bear the pain. So, I did the only thing I could, reaching out and hugging him, pulling him close and pressing myself against him completely. He didn't hug me back, but I didn't care. Something told me that he needed me to show him, so I clung to him and gave him the only thing I had.

"Do you have more secrets?" I whispered in his ear.

I felt his arms finally wrap around me, enveloping me with a warmth that far surpassed the frigidness of his body.

"Yes."

~x~

~x~

~x~

"That's okay," I breathed. "I have secrets, too."

I don't know how long we sat there…just wrapped up in one another. His arms wrapped around me while my head rested on his shoulder. Minutes, hours…it didn't matter.

Time wasn't important.

He was important.

My body began to chill to the point that I was trembling. I tried to ignore it because I was frightened of what it might mean. Edward noticed, though, and pulled the quilt from the back of the couch and covered me up, looking at me apologetically before pulling me back into his arms.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he murmured. "I'm just…I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I whispered, pressing a kiss against his neck. "Everything's going to be okay."

A shudder ran though my body as I began to warm up and Edward pulled me even closer, kissing me on my temple.

"There's one more thing," he whispered. "One more thing that I want to…that I _have_ to tell you."

I tried to pull back to look at him, the sadness and apprehension in his voice making me nervous.

"Edward, you can tell me anything," I said softly, but clearly. "_Anything._"

"I'm not really scared of anything, Bella," he said. "There's nothing in the word that makes me afraid."

He laughed and the sound of it was tight…bitter.

"That's not true," he continued, looking at me softly. "Now. It's not true now."

"Why are you scared?"

"I'm scared that this…_my truth_," he whispered, "this is going to be the one thing that I tell you, that will finally make you run."

"I'm not going anywhere, Edward," I told him fiercely. "Don't you know that yet?"

"I'm afraid that you will never look at me like this," he said, dragging his thumb across my lips, my cheek. "I'm scared that you'll never look at me like this again."

"How am I looking at you?"

"Like I'm something," he said. "Like I'm _someone_."

I reached up and pulled his face to mine, kissing him softly. I couldn't help the whimper that escaped my lips as I cried into his mouth. He was so sad and scared and all I wanted to do was make him understand that it wouldn't matter – whatever it was – it wouldn't matter a fucking bit. I finally pulled back, licking my lips and still tasting him on my tongue.

"Tell me," I whispered. "Tell me and let me show you that you _are_, Edward. You're the most important 'someone' ever. Whatever you tell me won't change that. And neither will the way I look at you."

He looked at me for the longest time, his expression scared and unchanging. And even though I was terrified of what he was going to say…I still knew that it wouldn't change anything. So, I held his gaze, matching his fear with every bit of the emotion that I felt for him…and hoping that it would be enough.

"Bella, I'm…"

The ringing of my phone startled me and caused me to jump in his arms.

"Ignore it," I whispered. "It's late and no one should be calling me at this hour anyway."

He waited for the ringing to stop and just as soon as it did, it started ringing again. My mind immediately went to Jacob, as much as I hated it. I was hoping that nothing happened.

"Maybe you should get that," he said tentatively. "It doesn't seem like it's going to stop."

And it didn't. It continued ringing again, as if whoever was calling was just hitting redial whenever it went to voicemail.

I crawled off of his lap and went to the foyer to get my phone.

It was Rose.

I hit the call button as soon as I saw her name, an unexplainable panic rising up inside of me.

"Bella!" she exclaimed. "Is Alice with you?"

She sounded worried, frantic.

"No, she isn't," I said. "Why?"

"She's missing, Bella. Alice is fucking missing!"

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

Thank you to my beta and partner, Marvar. You single-handedly made this chapter better. So, thank you. For always being honest…and for saying what you think. Even when it might hurt my feelings.

Love and thanks to my pre-readers, Caren (Nerac), rainamd, and ltlerthqak!

Thank you to each and every person reading! You guys make this so fulfilling. And adore each review, tweet and recc.

My recc this week:

**Tunes with Tony Masen by Just4ALE:**

So a few weeks ago, Marvar says to me, "You need to read this fic right now." Well, I put it off, because I'm a slacker. Anyway, on Sunday I read it. And it consumed my entire day! For real. I couldn't stop reading. It's a great mystery and one of the most intriguing and unique stories I've ever read. Really. It's brilliant. Check it out and leave her some love.


	11. Acceptance

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 10**

Acceptance.

It hung thick and sweet in the air around me. Around us. I could feel it, could taste it, could almost reach out and grasp it…and I wanted to. I wanted to take it, to hold it in my hands and cling to it, much like the way I was clinging to her. The way that we were clinging to each other.

It wasn't that I knew Bella would accept me, because I didn't. I didn't know for sure. Even though everything about her was telling me that she would understand, there was still this lingering fear that once she knew the truth, she would hate me for what I was.

But she was still there. And not only there – she was touching me, holding me, kissing me…and she was asking me to trust her. And I meant what I said when I told her that I really fucking wanted to. I did. There was something about her – something about this amazing fucking woman that made me want to trust her. Maybe it was the fearless way she had looked at me tonight. Her eyes were unwavering and holding mine, trying to disguise the fear that her trembling body and her pounding heart were betraying. Even if she was scared….even though she was terrified…she still wanted to know. And she still sat there in my lap, her body connected to mine in almost every way possible, asking me, begging me to tell her.

"Tell me," she whispered. "Tell me and let me show you that you _are_, Edward. You're the most important 'someone' ever. Whatever you tell me won't change that. And neither will the way I look at you."

I stared into her big, brown eyes. Trying to find one reason…any fucking reason not to tell her. And there were none. It was just her pleading, her trusting…and the fucking promise of her acceptance. And that was what sealed it for me.

Acceptance.

If she could offer herself to me like this – if she could tell me that what I was didn't matter – even while she looked at me and could see that I was different and could feel the cold, hard and lifeless form of my body pressed against hers. If she could do that – I decided in that moment – I could give her the only thing I had to offer. I could give her the truth. And I could only hope that once I said the words, her trust would still be there. That her acceptance would still be there.

"Bella, I'm…"

Her phone rang, startling her and causing her to jump. I winced at the offending and interrupting noise, trying to tell myself that this was the universe's way of preventing me from saying the words. But I knew that was bullshit. I knew that was only my own selfishness and fear searching for a way out of telling her the truth. As if she could sense my hesitation, she told me, "Ignore it. It's late and no one should be calling me at this hour anyway."

And so, I waited. I waited for it to stop, but it didn't. The ringing continued and I knew that I had to wait; my mind conflicted with the dueling emotions of relief and frustration.

"Maybe you should get that," I said softly. "It doesn't seem like it's going to stop."

Disappointment covered her exquisite features and as she pulled herself from my arms and clambered out of my lap…my body ached with her absence and I couldn't help but wonder if we would ever be able to recapture that moment again.

Frustrated, I leaned over and raked my hands through my hair. I was so fucking close…_we were so fucking close_. I could hear Bella in the background, even though I was trying to ignore her and give her privacy, it proved impossible. I could hear every word that she spoke and the slight changes in her heartbeat.

"What do you mean she's missing?"

"Didn't you call her when she didn't show up at the bar?"

A gnawing feeling churned in the pit of my stomach at the mention of the bar. I didn't know why, but all I could think about was the fact that _he_ had been there. But he couldn't have…

_No. _

_He wouldn't have. _

"And she's not at home?"

"I haven't spoken to her since you guys were here last night, Rose."

"Do you want me to come over?"

"He is?"

"Do you think that's the best idea, Rose?"

I couldn't help the panic that rose up inside as an ominous sense of foreboding covered me, chilling me with its frightening threat of possibility. And even though I didn't know if it was probable…it was definitely possible.

"I know. Please, just call me if you hear from her and I promise I'll do the same."

"And Rose…please, be careful."

~x~

~x~

~x~

"Alice is missing," Bella said as she walked back into the room.

I stood up, looking at her. Her face was even paler than before and the tremble in her voice caused my chest to ache. She was afraid, and for a fleeting moment, I wondered if she was afraid of me.

_Please, please, please…don't be afraid of me._

"I'm not," she whispered, walking over to where I was standing.

I didn't know I'd said that out loud.

"I told you, Edward. I _know_ you won't hurt me."

She placed her hands in mine, once again, placing trust in me when she had every fucking reason not to, astounding me. And there it was again.

Acceptance.

Or the hope of it.

"Alice is your friend, the small one…with the black hair?" I asked, realizing too late what I'd done.

"How did you know that?"

I hung my head, ashamed in my acknowledgement of another way that I had violated her.

"She was with you," I said, unable to look up and meet her eyes. "Last night…on the porch."

"You were watching me?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"How long?" she asked. "How long have you been watching me?"

I looked at her, pleading with her to understand…knowing that she shouldn't.

"A while."

She swallowed and my eyes were drawn to her throat…her neck. I could see the pale blue of her veins that lay just beneath her creamy skin. The sound of her elevated pulse beat in tandem with the fluttering undulation of her carotid artery. I was struck with the gentle beauty of not just her body…but her life.

Her life was beautiful.

Just as beautiful as her.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because you're different."

My answer was simple, but the absolute truth. Her eyes stared back at me and I wondered if I should elaborate, if I should tell her something more, but she asked for no further explanation. It was as if she just…knew. She knew and she felt the same thing I was feeling. The same connection. The same intense need…the same consuming desire.

With a sigh, she pressed her head against my chest and I was overcome with emotion as I enveloped her in my arms. The weight of her body relaxed against me as she seemed to give in to the emotional and physical fatigue of the night.

"I'm worried about Alice," she whispered. "She was supposed to meet Rosalie at the bar tonight…and she never showed. She's not home and she's not answering her phone. I'm worried about her and I feel bad because even though I'm worried and I feel like I should be doing something more…"

She paused even though I could tell she wanted to say something else…something more. I wished again that I could just _hear_ her. I wanted to _know_ what she was thinking, how she was feeling. And then her words came back to me. She'd told me that I needed to trust her.

"What else were you going to say?"

She blushed as she looked up at me and it was beautiful. I felt the need to kiss her again…to offer her comfort the way that she had offered me comfort. Instead, I whispered, "Tell me."

"I just…" she started. "I just…I mean…I was just going to say that… Well, I was just going to say that even though I'm worried, I still really want to be here with you."

She wanted to be there with me. She still wanted to be there with me after everything I'd done…everything I'd told her. And something new and unfamiliar rumbled in my chest. Something warm and soft…and yet completely penetrating as it pushed through the stone walls of my body, my heart. Knocking them down and offering her admittance.

_I could tell her._

In that moment, I knew that I could tell her and I knew she wouldn't run.

"And that makes me feel bad," she continued. "Like I'm not as good a friend as I think I should be. Like I _should_ be worried more. Like I _should_ be doing more. And I really _am_ worried."

I pulled her closer to me, wanting to offer her comfort and knowing that somehow, every beat of her heart against my chest was pushing me, telling me to just say the fucking words.

"Bella," I whispered.

"Yeah?" she whimpered, he voice thick and full of unshed tears.

"I want…I want you to be here with me, too."

"You mean that, don't you?"

Her eyes were wide and trusting as she looked at me. And the same awe I felt that she would even allow me to touch her – to hold her in my arms – was mirrored in her beautiful face.

"Yes," I told her. "I do."

It was then that I felt the familiar buzzing between us against my leg. It startled her – both of us, really – and she jumped in my arms.

"What is that?" she asked. "Is that...is that a phone?"

"Fuck," I cursed, wanting to throw the goddamn thing across the room and shatter it into a million fucking pieces.

"You have a phone?" she asked incredulously. "Wow."

Her body shifted and tensed in my arms and I looked at her, wanting to understand where her sudden apprehension was coming from.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

I lifted my hand to stroke the skin of her cheek and she sighed. Her breath was so warm against my skin and even warmer still as she pressed her face against my palm.

"I don't understand any of this," she said, shaking her head. The fragrance of her hair filled the air as I breathed her scent in. "This is all so confusing. I mean, here I am thinking that you're…_dead_," she whispered the last word, he voice shaking and confused. "You talked to me on the Ouija board. I didn't…I don't…I thought you were a ghost, Edward. Or something...something else. Something different. I don't know why, but the idea of you having a cell phone seems…it seems so strange to me."

"I know you have a lot of questions," I told her. "But please, Bella…please just let me explain everything to you. Please…just give me a chance."

She brought one of her hands up and covered mine, squeezing gently. Her touch was gentle, comforting just like her.

"I told you before," she said almost fiercely. "I told you…I'm not going anywhere."

She held my gaze and it was as if she were telling me with her eyes the same thing that she was telling me with her words. And then the vibration of my phone interrupted us again.

"I don't think yours is going to stop either."

"Fuck my phone," I said sharply. Though, somewhere in the back of my mind, was the same gnawing feeling that something was wrong…something to do with him.

She took her bottom lip between her teeth, biting down as her eyes grew distant before turning her face down.

"Is there…" she said quietly, almost as if she didn't want to say anything at all. "I mean, well…what I mean is…if there was something or…or _someone_ that you needed to speak to…I could give you some privacy."

"Bella?" I said her name, beckoning her to look at me. She didn't. "Please."

"What?" she said, looking up at me. Her eyes were filled with water, threatening to spill over and she looked confused and sad and I didn't understand it. And then the realization of what she said hit me and I understood what she must have been thinking.

"Bella, no," I told her. "There is no other _someone_. There has never…there's no one else. Not like that. Not the way you're thinking."

"I didn't know," she said, wiping the tears that had fallen on her cheeks. "I didn't…I mean, how could I…how would I know? This is all so confusing, Edward. First you have a phone and then it seems like you don't want to talk in front of me."

I reached between us and pulled the phone from my pocket, wanting to show her that of all the secrets I held, what I had on my phone was not one of them.

"You don't have to," she said. "I mean…I'm sorry."

"No," I told her. "It's okay."

I looked on the screen and there were two messages from him.

"Call me."

I didn't understand why. Why, after all these years, had he sought me out again? I knew that I owed him. I owed him a fucking lot, but so much time had passed and the timing of it seemed too coincidental. Pushing back the sense of anxiety that I was feeling, I opened the second message.

"Please, Edward. I fucked up."

A million scenarios flooded my mind. But I knew that there were only two things that would cause him to reach out to me for help. Only two fucking things.

Regression and exposure.

And Bella's friend was missing.

"Fuck," I cursed as the pieces of information shifted and came together in my mind, forming a horrifying and potentially devastating picture.

I was dialing the phone before I had allowed myself to think about it.

"Edward," his voice was low and urgent.

"What do you mean you fucked up?"

I looked down at Bella and for the first time that night, the fear in her eyes was present. It was no longer just the rapid beating of her heart and the pulsing of her blood. Her eyes matched her body and I knew that she was afraid…of me.

"Everything happened so fast," he said, the arrogant lilt of his earlier voice gone. "It was like I didn't have the strength to control it."

"What did you do?" I asked, trying and failing to control the venom in my voice. "Tell me!"

"Nothing!" he yelled back. "But I wanted to," he added, his voice suddenly lower, barely above a whisper. "I just…I couldn't."

I didn't understand him. He wasn't making sense and I tried to wrap my mind around the clouded and confused pieces of information that he had given me.

"What do you mean?" I asked. "I don't understand. You said you…" I paused, knowing that my words were going to scare Bella. But also knowing that if I walked away from her, he fear would be worse. So I stayed. "You said you…fucked up."

I looked at her, her wide eyes filled with questions as she hung onto every word that I was saying.

"I did," he said. "I did…and now she's gone."

"Who?" I asked, knowing the answer and feeling physically sick. "And what do you mean by gone?"

"Her name is Alice," he said, his voice softer than I'd ever heard it. "I almost fucking took her…I wanted to. She came with me…she _wanted_ to come with me. Told me that I'd kept her waiting. It was…It would have been so easy."

All of this was too close. My past and my present were melding and merging and I wasn't prepared for what that might mean. I wasn't prepared for _his_ reappearance in my life – for the feelings inside me that _he_ evoked. And _her_…I could _never_ have been prepared for her. But she was there…she was still fucking there and my world was shifting because of her. And as much as the change was unexpected…because of her, it wasn't unwelcomed. Even though it was all wrong.

"But you didn't?"

"I couldn't."

I let out a long and useless breath, overcome with relief. Her friend was alright…she wasn't harmed…but she could have been. I didn't understand what happened between them, but I knew that _something_ had transpired. He didn't make mistakes. He didn't _ever_ let his guard down. And tonight…he had.

I noticed that as most of the tension in my body left, Bella relaxed into me as well. She confounded me. Everything about her amazed and bewildered me. And then it infuriated me that she wasn't afraid. She wasn't scared when there were so many fucking things to be scared of.

"Does she know?" I asked.

"No," he said icily. "That can't fucking happen…and you know why."

_And I did._

I looked at Bella and in that moment, I knew that I had failed her again. She didn't understand the repercussions of knowing and understanding my truth. And in my need to be with her – my need for her acceptance – I was placing her in harm's way. From more than just me.

"I know," I said solemnly.

"When did she leave?" I asked. "Where did she go?"

"I don't fucking know," he hissed, his usually cool and collected demeanor gone. "Home?"

"You didn't follow her?"

I winced and cursed myself as the words fell from my lips. I was the one who had stalked and followed, watching and waiting and observing Bella like prey.

"No," he said flatly. "I didn't. Following her wasn't an option. I don't want to know where she is. I can't take from that tree…the knowledge is too much…too powerful. She's good…and even though I had no choice, I am the antithesis of her, Edward. I need to be as far away from her as possible. For her sake."

His words pierced and bruised and pounded my heart. He was right. He was right and he had been able to do what I wasn't strong enough…or selfless enough to do. He had let her go. Alice. I recalled her image in my mind, wondering what it was about her that had attracted him. Was it her body? Her blood?

And then I looked at Bella – still there and still touching me, holding me – still not fucking running away from me. And I should have been ashamed…had so much to be ashamed of, but I just wasn't. I couldn't be, because she made me feel almost human. She made me remember that part of myself that I had forfeited so long ago. She made me feel worthy.

"Where are you?" he asked.

"Why?" I asked, wondering if he already knew. And if he knew where I was, that meant he knew about Bella.

"I have to leave," he said. "Soon."

"Not tonight," I told him. "I can't see you tonight."

"Fine," he said. "Tomorrow."

"Fine. And Edward?"

"Jasper?"

"If you don't find me," he said in a low, hushed whisper. "I'll find you."

I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself by focusing on the only thing that mattered in that moment – the woman who was still standing before me in my arms. Her heartbeat was soothing, if only for the simple fact that I could still feel it pressed against my body. I didn't know what I would see when I opened my eyes to her. I could only imagine that it was fear…I could only hope that it wasn't disgust. And so, I allowed myself one more moment…one more measure in this achingly beautiful song that would haunt me for the rest of my existence.

"I feel you," she whispered. "I feel you pulling away…and I don't understand what's going on, Edward. But I understand…no, I _know_ that I don't want that to happen."

I opened my eyes and I looked down at her and god help me, I couldn't help myself from pulling her flush against me, fighting with everything inside me to be gentle…but still wondering if I was hurting her.

"I don't understand," I said roughly. "I don't understand any of this. I don't understand myself…and I don't understand you."

"You know something, don't you?" she asked, her voice muffled against the shirt I was wearing. "About Alice."

Her words stopped me, focused me.

"Why do you think that?" I asked her.

"Because I'm not stupid," she said simply. She wasn't. She wasn't and she didn't know the half of it. "Just tell me that she's okay."

"She is," I acquiesced. "I don't know if she's home, but she should be soon."

I pulled back so that I could look at her. I cupped her face, staring into her eyes and she never flinched…not once.

"It wasn't me," I told her, my voice low and rough and trembling. "I need you to know that."

"I do," she said. "I just…it's just…Edward, you have to tell me what's going on. You have to tell me who you are. Is Alice in danger? Am I?"

Her voice quivered as she asked the last question, and the stone of my heart shattered at the only inkling of fear that she betrayed.

"I will never let anyone hurt you," I told her. "Never."

"I believe you," she said. "But that's not what I asked."

She was so fierce…so perfect in her honesty.

"You could be," I admitted. "I could be placing you in danger by telling you the truth."

She sucked in a breath at my words. Her eyes narrowed and her body grew tense in my arms.

"You could be in danger just by my being here."

"Well then," she said softly before biting down on her bottom lip. "It's a good thing that you will never let anyone hurt me. Because you are _telling_ me the truth, Edward. I _deserve_ to know the truth. Especially if I'm in danger."

"I never should have come here," I told her. "I should have been stronger. I should have been able to stay away."

"Fuck," she hissed, pushing away from me and pulling out of my arms. "Don't you think that there's a reason that you didn't? _That you couldn't_? I don't know what's going on…I don't even know who or what you are, but I _know_ there's a reason you're here. And beyond all of that," she continued, her voice raised, "beyond the supernatural craziness that neither of us can explain and the fact that I could _hear _you…that you _communicated _with me through a fucking board…beyond _all_ of that, Edward, is the fact that I _want_ you here. I _wanted_ you here last night. And I _know_ you want to be here, too. So, just fucking stop!"

Her chest was heaving with her breath, her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were wild with a fire that I hadn't seen in them before. She was fucking beautiful. With inhuman speed, I crossed the space between us and pulled her into my arms, covering her lips with my mouth. If she was shocked, she didn't show it. She only returned my kiss with all of the passion of her words….and I fucking knew.

Not that I _could_ tell her…but that I _had_ to tell her.

"I want to tell you," I murmured against her hot skin. "I really fucking do, Bella."

"Then tell me," she said her voice thick and still determined. "Just tell me."

"I'm still afraid you'll run."

"Well based on what I think I just saw, she said. "I'm pretty sure you could catch me."

And even in the seriousness and the emotion of the moment, I couldn't help but laugh at her words. Amazing didn't do her justice…mysterious couldn't describe the enigma of who she was. Not just her mind, but her words and her heart.

"You mean it, don't you?" I asked her, suddenly serious and forgetting the levity of the moment. "What I am…it doesn't matter?"

"It can't be worse than what I've been thinking, Edward," she told me. "I thought that you were a ghost…that you were dead."

"I'm not dead," I told her.

"I know," she said, reaching up and running her fingers through my hair. "I can feel you. I can touch you. You're real," she whispered. "You're here…and you're just as real as me. This," she said, placing her hand on my chest, on top of my soundless heart. "This is real. What is happening between us is real."

"Bella," I whispered.

"I'm not going anywhere," she said. "Tell me."

I stood still, looking into her eyes and praying one last time that it wouldn't be the last time. But somewhere, I knew…somehow, I'd known all along.

I had been waiting for her with no awareness.

I had been searching for her without knowing.

~x~

~x~

~x~

Her body was unmoving and if her eyes held questions, I couldn't see a single one. I held my useless breath, wondering if I should say something else, but too afraid to move or speak or think or hope.

I looked down and saw her hand on my chest and brought my own hand up and covered hers, pressing it against me.

"What do you feel?" I whispered.

She looked confused by my words, but she took a deep breath and answered me.

"You, Edward. I feel you."

Her words were honest and I could hear the emotion in her beautiful voice…soft and thick and sweet.

"But when you touch me," I continued, "what do you _feel_?"

She stared back at me like she was trying to understand the meaning behind my words…and just couldn't.

"I don't understand what you mean," she said. "What are you…what are you trying to say?"

Without another word, I began to unbutton my shirt. She gasped softly as her eyes widened…and she still didn't look afraid. Once my shirt was open, I brought both of her now-trembling hands to my chest. I held them over my heart, pressing them against my stone skin.

"Now," I whispered…more urgently, "what do you feel now, Bella? Tell me."

"I feel your chest…your skin."

"And?"

"It's cold," she said. "It's cold and hard."

I swallowed, wondering if she was beginning to understand…desperately wanting her to.

"What do you think that means?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does," I told her. "It _does_ matter."

She stepped in closer, placing an open kiss on my sternum. Her mouth was hot as her tongue slipped out and licked me.

"_Tell me_," I rasped, almost unable to form words. "What else do you feel? What about my heart?"

She turned her head and laid it against my chest, her breathing heavy as she wrapped her arms completely around me. Still holding me…still clinging to me.

Seconds turned to moments and the moments seemed to stand still. And I stood there, stoic and waiting – waiting for her to finally understand _just_ how different I was.

"I don't feel it," she whispered, her breath tickling my skin, causing me to shudder. "I can't feel your heart."

She didn't look at me, but she didn't move away either. And I couldn't see her eyes…and I couldn't hear her thoughts. And I hated and loved my gift in that moment, because I was so fucking afraid of what she was thinking.

"I don't have one," I said gently.

Her eyes shot up to mine and she spoke slowly…intently.

"Yes, you do. Just because I don't hear it, doesn't mean it's not there."

I drew in a useless breath.

"What do you think it means?" I asked. "What is all of this telling you?"

"You're cold and hard and I can't hear your heart," she said. "But, Edward…I knew all of this before."

I looked at her, willing her to understand, but she just wouldn't. She was never going to see me for what I was…so, I would have to show her. Slowly, I raised my hand to her face, cupping her cheek and deliberately – almost roughly – trailed my thumb across her bottom lip. It felt like satin underneath the pressure…hot and wet and full. I could feel the humid air as she gasped against my hand.

Languidly, I walked around her, dragging my hand along her neck, pulling her hair to the side. Her heartbeat increased and the sound of it, pounded and rung in my ears. Standing behind her, I put my other arm around her waist, sliding it underneath her shirt, pressing my hand against her stomach and pulling her flush against me.

"I can hear your pulse here," I whispered in her ear, feeling her tremble at my words…my touch. I pressed my open mouth against her neck, murmuring against her skin, "I can feel it – your blood – flowing under my lips. Do you know why doctors draw blood from your veins?"

"No," she whispered, her voice shaking.

I fought against the desire I felt, holding her against me…when I knew that I was frightening her. But she needed to know. She needed to know who and what I really was.

"Because your veins carry blood to your heart," I told her. "The blood flows slower…softer."

"Why are you telling me this?" she asked.

"Because you need to understand, Bella." I began to suck on her exposed skin, tasting her, feeling her…ignoring her soft, throaty moan and the smell of her arousal that flooded the space around us. "There would be too much blood from the artery, you see. The artery carries blood away from your heart. The flow of your blood in the artery is so much more powerful."

"Edward," she whimpered.

"Shh…" I hushed her. "The flow of your blood is really strong here at your neck. And here," I continued, dragging my hand down her arm and grabbing her wrist. I pressed my thumb against her pulse. "But do you know where your blood flow is the strongest?"

"No," she said, almost inaudibly. "I don't."

I dropped her hand, watching it fall to her side and then I deftly swept my hand against her hip bone before sliding it down and grasping the soft skin of her thigh.

"Here," I rasped. "Right here, Bella. It flows strongest in your femoral artery."

"Please," she whispered, her heart pounding faster and louder than I'd ever heard it. "Stop."

I was a monster. I knew I was a fucking monster…but she needed to see. She needed to really see me.

Who I was.

What I was capable of.

"Do you know what blood smells like, Bella?"

"Copper and salt," she said; her voice slightly stronger than before. "The smell of blood makes me sick."

Her answer surprised me. Humans couldn't smell blood. At least, I didn't think they could. Once again, the woman in my arms caught me off guard, surprising me…astounding me.

"Do you know what your blood smells like?" I asked.

"The same?"

"No," I rasped. "Your blood smells tangy and rusted, but sweet and exotic…like jasmine and honey. But blood never tastes the way it smells, Bella…not exactly."

Before I sensed what was happening, she was turning in my arms to face me.

"What does it taste like?" she asked, her voice soft and determined. "What…what would I taste like?"

My shock must have been evident on my face because before I could speak, she continued.

"What's the matter, Edward?" she said. "You can't tell me?"

"I...I don't know," I said.

"You don't know because you didn't hurt me!" she cried, wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling herself closer. "You didn't…and you could have. If what you're saying to me is true…you fucking could have. You think you're a monster, but a monster would have hurt me last night…a monster wouldn't be here holding me, touching me…trying to make me send him away."

She pressed a kiss to my chest again, but this time it was different…it was more.

Her body was shaking and I could see the way her mind was working and wrapping around the information…the tangible proof of my damned existence underneath her soft hands…her perfect lips. She pushed against my chest once more and looked up at me with eyes that finally held an unquestionable sense of recognition…a belated and explicit sense of understanding.

"It…it doesn't matter," she cried. "It still doesn't fucking matter. I know you won't hurt me!"

Hope rose up in my hollow chest as I processed her words and I was unable to move.

"Tell me." I said. "What am I, Bella? Say it."

~x~

~x~

~x~

"Vampire," she whispered.

I breathed at her acknowledgement…unexpectedly relieved at her admission.

_She knew._

_She fucking knew._

"Are you scared?" I asked.

Tears spilled down her cheeks as she silently cried. And if tears had been a possibility for me, I would have cried, too.

"No," she said. "I'm still not scared…not of you."

"You should be."

A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

Thank you to Marvar for reading and re-reading and re-reading this chapter. Her advice and persistence really made it so much fucking better. Thank you for holding my hand when I'm a needy bitch. I adore you, bb. So much.

Thank you to Caren (Nerac) and Rainamd for pre-reading. Caren forced me to add like 1000 words and was basically awesome in her honesty. And Raina softens the blow and makes me feel like I should continue writing.

My recc' this week:

**I Never Knew** by Nerac. This story just posted Wednesday night and it is wonderful. After a phone call from a stranger turns her life upside down, Isabella Dwyer realizes that the people you trust the most sometimes tell the biggest lies. Can she convince a man in uniform to help her discover the things she never knew? All I can say is that I've pre-read the first nine chapters and I love, love, love it! Oh…and Copward is fucking hot. That's all.


	12. Extraordinary

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 11**

It's interesting when you think about the word "extraordinary." It is, by definition, not a word that you use in everyday life. And even less, in a life that was as ordinary as mine. I was nothing special and truth be told, nothing extraordinary had ever really happened to me.

Until then.

It wasn't until that moment that I understood what extraordinary actually was. What it meant for something _so beyond_ the realm of possibility to actually happen to me. And yet, as I stood there looking at him – at this beautiful man – standing in my ordinary home on what should have been an ordinary night, I was overwhelmed with just how extraordinary it all was.

_How extraordinary he was._

My days were painted with the greys of rain clouds and the black of long nights spent working. They were shaded with the browns of wooden floors in a small bar and the dingy white of towels used to keep the bar clean. But _this_ was color. _This_ was vivid. And even though it felt dark…nothing about it felt wrong. Everything about it felt _extraordinarily_ right.

~x~

~x~

~x~

"Are you scared?" he asked.

It should have scared me, but it didn't. I shouldn't have wanted it, but I did. And as I realized that simple truth, I began to cry. Not because of _what_ he was, but because it didn't matter. None of it mattered to me. Not any of it. Not at all.

"No," I told him. "I'm still not scared…not of you."

"You should be."

His warning words lingered in the air, but they were surpassed by the feeling of his arms wrapped around me, pulling me closer…tighter. I still didn't understand him, but I understood the duality of what he was giving me. He wanted me to know the truth, but he didn't want me to accept it…to accept him.

And I did.

I'd seen the relief on his face when I acknowledged what he was. And I really didn't know…not until that moment. Not until he stood behind me, his lips pressed against my skin…his cold breath against my neck. Talking to me about blood…my blood. And yes, I was scared. But I was never scared of him. For all of his fear that I would run once I knew, the truth was that the only fear that I possessed was the fear that he would be the one to run. And I couldn't allow that to happen.

Ever.

"Please," I whispered. "Please don't tell me that I should be scared of you when I know that I shouldn't, Edward. I can't."

"Why?" he asked simply. "Why aren't you afraid?"

"I told you. I know you won't hurt me."

His expression softened and he crushed me against his chest.

"I wouldn't," he said. "I could never."

And there it was again…the overwhelming sense of rightness that I felt. Like all of it had been fated long before that moment. I'd never really been one to consider the possibility of fate or what it held for me. So much of my life had been filled with pain and regret and deep-seated need for answers to questions that I was too afraid to ask. I was afraid of questions, but I wasn't afraid of him. Because I knew that he wouldn't hurt me. It didn't matter what he was.

And he knew it, too.

It occurred to me that I still hadn't heard from Alice or Rose. And Edward told me that she was okay. I didn't know who it was that she had been with; I only knew the way that Edward's entire body tensed as he spoke to him with a voice that was tight and filled with controlled anger. I only knew that his relief that she was okay mirrored my own. And while I didn't know this man, I had a suspicion that he was like Edward. A vampire. And I had to think that maybe Alice wasn't as safe with him as I was with Edward.

"I need to call Alice," I whispered against his neck.

He was still holding me tightly to him and even though I didn't want him to let me go, I had to make sure that she was okay. I wouldn't be able to be with him completely until I knew. And I wanted to be with him completely. Reluctantly, he released me.

"I understand."

I looked up at him again, into his dark, wide eyes and I touched his cheek.

"Don't disappear," I told him seriously. "I'll be right back."

"I won't."

I made my way into the foyer to get my phone, walking back into the living room quickly because yeah, I was afraid that he would run. He stood there looking down, but lifted his eyes to mine when I walked back in the room. Holding his gaze, I placed the call. She answered on the third ring.

"I'm not a child, you know," she hissed into the phone. "I'm allowed to be out past ten."

"I never said you weren't," I told her, laughing at the relief I felt just from hearing her voice. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Well, fucking tell Rose that, would you?" she said. "She just gave me the goddamn fifth degree and she is in no position to tell me what to do. I could hear Emmett in the background. At least if I'm going to fuck someone, they're not going to be…"

"Hey," I interrupted her. "Rose was just worried about you. There's no need to be that way. And Emmett was there with her because I left the bar early. I would have been there otherwise."

"I'm sorry," she whispered sadly. "I'm not upset with her."

"Why _are_ you upset?"

"He didn't…" she paused and I heard her sniffle. "Nothing. Never mind."

"You can talk to me, Alice," I encouraged her. "About anything."

"Sometimes there are things that you just don't want to talk about, Bella," she said softly. "You should know that better than anyone. I never push you and when I tell you that I don't want to talk about something, I'd like for you to do the same for me."

She was right. I had no right asking for what I was rarely willing to give. Even to her. To any of my friends, really.

"Okay," I conceded.

"I'm home now. I'm going to bed."

I tried to tell her goodnight, but the line was dead before I had the chance.

"Is everything alright?" Edward asked.

"She's okay, but she wouldn't really give me any information."

His brow furrowed as he took on this reserved and questioning demeanor. He was broody and for lack of a better description, he looked vampiric.

"But she wasn't hurt?"

"No," I said softly. "At least…well, at least not in the way I think you mean."

"He said he didn't hurt her…that he wouldn't."

"But do you believe him?"

He looked at me, his eyes piercing mine. It was almost as if I could feel his anxiety mixed with whatever it was that was happening between us. And suddenly, I didn't want the distance that was between us anymore. I wanted to be close to him again. I wanted to feel his arms around me and I didn't quite know how to go about getting back to that place with him.

"I do," he said simply.

Biting down on my lip, I looked up at him again and then over to the couch.

"Did you…" I started nervously. "Well…I mean...did you want to maybe sit down with me on the couch?"

_Fuck, I was lame. _

"Bella, I…" he said softly. He was nervous, too. "I don't really know what to do. None of this makes sense. I shouldn't be here. You…you shouldn't want me here."

Before he could say another word, I walked toward him – determined and quite honestly, more than a little pissed off. Didn't he feel this? I knew it wasn't one sided. And beyond all of that – in spite of the circumstance and the reasons that it shouldn't be happening – it was fucking happening. And I refused to believe that it should be any other way. I'd never been someone who believed in fate. For me – to believe in that – it would mean what happened to me was supposed to happen. That a god or the universe had planned it out, orchestrated it and made it happen. And I simply couldn't allow myself to think that anyone deserved that kind of pain. But this – this was different.

I knew he was supposed to be here.

"Aren't we past this already?" I asked. "Aren't _you_ past it?"

"I just…it's just..." he started, but I interrupted.

"It's just _nothing_, Edward. Don't you see? I _know_ you want to be here. I can _feel_ you. You told me you were afraid that I was going to run. Well, I'm not running. I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere and it doesn't matter how many times you try to scare me with your talk of blood and how you could possibly hurt me. You told me that you wouldn't. And I…I believe you."

I was standing before him and I could feel the energy coursing between us.

"You say it," I told him, reaching up and taking his face between my hands. "You say it to me this time."

"What?" he asked. His eyes were so intense, but I could see the confusion in them even in their darkness. "What do you want me to say?"

"Tell me what you are."

"You know what I am."

"Say it."

He stared at me, his expression portraying a million different things, but I only picked up on a few. Shame, anger, need…and desire.

"Say it," I repeated.

"I'm a vampire, Bella." His voice was tight and controlled, but there was so much underneath the smooth, cool intonation.

"I don't care," I told him. "It doesn't matter."

I felt his hands twitch at my sides and while I wanted nothing more than for him to pull me in his arms, I stood still where I was, never once looking away from his eyes.

"How can you say that?" he asked.

"Because I know now, that if it mattered to you…if it _really_ mattered to you…you never would have come here last night. You never would have entered my home and got in my bed and touched me the way that you touched me. I _wanted_ you to touch me. _So much_. And even though I didn't know what you were, I _knew_ that you were different."

He stepped in closer. So close, that I could feel his breath…could literally taste him in the air around me.

"And now?" he asked, his voice husky and soft. "And now what, Bella?"

"It's just the same," I whispered, feeling him, finally wrap his arms around me. "No, it's more. I want you…I want this…even more."

He pulled me close, leaning down and running his nose along the line of my neck. "I need you to mean it," he whispered, the vulnerability in his voice and the feeling of him against my skin making me weak. "I don't think you know just how much I need you to mean it."

"I mean it."

Before I knew what was happening, his mouth covered mine and he kissed me with a passion I'd never felt. Not even from him. If he was controlled at all in his actions, I couldn't tell. I could only allow myself to bask in the way his lips felt moving against mine. The way his tongue tasted like the sweetness of relief in my mouth. And when he groaned, the sweet flavor morphed into something spicy…something filled with the heavy notes of desire and longing and an overwhelming and desperate need to be with him again.

To be with him lucidly…completely.

"Fuck, Bella," he rasped. "I don't know why, but I need you so much."

His hands slid down as he grabbed my ass and pulled me closer.

"It's the same for me, Edward," I told him, my voice filled with unshed tears of so much relief that he wasn't leaving…that he wanted me the same way that I wanted him. "I don't understand it, but I feel it, too. I need you, too."

"How do you need me?" he asked roughly.

"I need all of you. Everything that you will give me."

My words were too honest and they said too much. He could break my heart so easily if he still decided to run, but the way he was looking at me made me think that he wouldn't. That he couldn't.

"I would give you anything," he said. "Everything that I have."

"Please, then," I told him. "I need you. All of you. I need to feel you the way I felt you last night. I need to know that this time, you're real. That this…_this_ is really happening."

"Bella…"

His hands gripped me tightly; I could feel his chest heaving against me. I wanted to feel him everywhere. I needed it. Desperately.

"I need…I need…"

"What?" he asked. "Tell me."

My heart was pounding as I looked at him; I knew he could feel it…could hear it. Did he understand that he was the only one that had ever made me feel that way? That no other man had ever come close. Yes, he was extraordinary…and with him, I felt extraordinary, too. He was meant to be mine and I was destined to be his. At least in that moment. For as long as he would stay.

"I need to feel you inside me."

"Fuck," he hissed just before he covered my mouth.

I was so consumed in his kiss that it barely registered when he picked me up. Without even realizing, I'd wrapped my legs around his waist. His mouth never left mine as he began to walk, carrying me, effortlessly, across the room before making his way up the stairs. He knew where he was going – where I wanted him to take me. And yes, it should have been unsettling, but I found so much comfort in the ease in which he navigated the space of my home.

He paused at the door to my bedroom and his eyes glanced briefly, to the door across the hall. Something in his eyes registered and I wondered if he knew…if he could tell. He looked back into my eyes and he told me, "I know that you've been hurt, Bella. But I…I will never hurt you. I will never leave you."

"How did you…?" I asked.

"Shh…" he hushed me, pushing me back against the door and kissing me softly. "You told me this morning, Bella. You told me that _everyone_ leaves."

"And you won't?"

He stared directly into my eyes and the moment was so intense that I almost needed to look away, but I couldn't. I asked because I knew I was afraid that it would be the same with him. But I needed to know.

His head lowered and I felt the cool chill of his tongue as he kissed and licked the skin of my collarbone. It tingled, causing me to shiver and when he reached my neck and sucked me softly, I could feel my entire body shudder in his arms.

"Not unless you make me."

"That will never happen."

He opened the door with one hand, his other still comfortably holding me against him. I barely registered the room; I could only smell the lingering scent of my perfume in the air as it mingled with his scent. My eyes were closed but I knew that it was dark. He made no effort to turn on a light, however, only choosing to carry me over to the bed.

"Look at me," he said.

My eyes opened at the commanding tone of his voice, but his eyes didn't match the tenor. They were questioning…pleading.

"You can still tell me no," he said. "You don't have to do this."

"Would it hurt you if I told you no?"

_Silence._

_Nothing._

Just my breath and the sound of the still-pouring rain on my window.

"Yes," he admitted…finally. "I would be devastated."

"Then I would never tell you no," I said. "I would never hurt you, either."

"Tell me again," he whispered. "I need to hear you say it."

"Make love to me, Edward," I told him. "Make love to me tonight and be with me…exactly as you are. No dreams…no secrets. Just you and me. That is what I want and I know…I _know_ you want that, too. Let go and just…just…give into this with me. We can do this together."

"I've never…" he started. "I…I've never done _that_ with anyone else. Not in this…_this existence_."

I wanted to ask him what he meant by that. Did he mean that he'd never been with another woman as a vampire? Did he mean _ever_? Did he mean he'd never made love, but only had sex? Because his hands had been so skilled and the memory of his mouth against my sex, though fuzzy, was not the memory of someone who had never been intimate with anyone.

I decided that it didn't matter. That he was there with me – that he was supposed to be there with me. And a part of me wished that he could have been my first, but I knew that everything that happened to us before had led us to this time and place where we could be together. And I wouldn't change anything about my past if it meant that this would all be something different.

"Nothing before this matters," I told him. "Be with me now."

He whispered something before kissing me deeply and I thought it sounded a lot like, "Always."

And it was with the single thought of that one word that everything but him fell away.

"I wanted you," he murmured, setting me down on the floor and placing his hands on my hips. "I followed you…I wanted you all day. I wanted to come back to you."

"Then come, Edward."

His hands reached up and played with the hem of my shirt, his cold fingers on my skin making me shiver.

"The way your body felt against mine," he said, lifting my shirt. I raised my arms and allowed him to slide it off of me. "You were so soft and warm. You _are_ so soft and warm."

I slid my hands back down his chest, pushing his unbuttoned shirt open and over his sculpted shoulders, and admiring, once again, the beauty of his perfect body.

"You want me to make love to you?" he asked in a voice so seductive, that the velvet sound seemed to wrap around and cover me completely.

"Yes."

His hands trailed simultaneously up and down my sides – one reaching to the back and unclasping my bra and the other sliding lower.

"You want me to kiss you?" he asked, bringing his hand to my hair and pulling it to the side so that he could suck and blow on my ear.

I couldn't answer him then. I could only nod my head as I silently prayed that he wouldn't tease me, but secretly hoped that he would continue.

"You want me to touch you?' he asked thickly.

His hand reached between my legs and cupped me fully before pressing his middle finger against the seam of my pants. In long, deliberate motions, he stroked me hard, causing me to writhe against his palm as I whimpered into his neck.

"Yes."

"Do you know that I can feel you?" he whispered. "How wet you are…even through the denim?"

I didn't answer him. I couldn't.

"You always feel hot to me, but this…" he said, squeezing me firmly, "…your pussy, Bella…your pussy feels like fire."

His words were too much and not enough. I had never been more aroused than I was right then. Even more than I remembered being the night before. And I thought I was dreaming before. I thought he was a fantasy that my mind created. But standing before me, he was real. He was real and he was touching me…talking to me like he knew everything about me. The secret things I wanted, but was always too embarrassed to ask for, myself.

"Do you feel that?" he said, louder this time.

"Yes," I whimpered, clutching his chest, feeling my nails as they tried to dig into his stone skin.

"Does it feel good?"

"Fuck," I groaned. "It does."

He stroked me long and hard one last time, before taking his thumb and pressing it right against my clit. I cried out at the sensation, wondering how I'd gone my entire life without ever having felt this way.

"I'm going to make you feel even better."

He removed his hand from my sex, bringing both of his hands to my chest. His thumbs traced softly across the slope of my breasts before one of them reached down and grabbed the center of my bra, pulling it from my body. My hands fell to my side as I stood there before him, completely exposed from the waist up and he looked down at me with wide eyes like I was something to be looked at.

Like I was someone to be admired.

"

Do you know how beautiful you are?" he asked, not waiting for an answer. Not that I could have answered him at all. "Do you know how long I've existed, how long I've wandered and never – _not once_ – have I _ever_ encountered another person as beautiful as you?"

"Edward," I whimpered, not really knowing what to say, but needing to say his name. Needing so much just to know that this was real. That he was real.

"So long, Bella," he told me. "So fucking long. And I thought that I would never find you. I thought that this would never happen for me. That I didn't deserve it. I still don't deserve you."

His words touched me in a place deep inside. They pierced my heart as I thought about him, as I wondered how long he'd been alone. And why…why did he think he didn't deserve to be with anyone? What had happened to him that caused him to be so solitary?

"I've been waiting, too," I whispered. "I've been waiting, Edward. And I don't know what brought you here…or how you found me. I only know that you did and I'm here. And you never have to wait for anyone ever again."

"It has been you," he said, pulling me against him roughly. Our bare skin completely connected as we embraced. He was so cold and I could feel my nipples harden against the icy feel of his body. "It has been you since the first night. Since the first night when I saw you and couldn't hear you. And I didn't know. I didn't know."

"What didn't you know?" I asked.

"That it would be the same for you," he said against my cheek. "That it would be the same. That you could…that you would feel the same."

"I do."

It was only two little words. One small sentiment, but there with him holding me, feeling the way he trembled just like me, I knew that those two words…they were everything.

It was the truth and he needed to accept it.

We both did.

I kissed his neck, his shoulders and his chest. My lips were everywhere that I could reach. I ignored the cold I felt in his arms and to be honest, it was easy. It was easy because the way I felt was almost as if my entire body was on fire at the thought of being with him that way. I licked his sternum, loving the way it made him moan and say my name.

"Your mouth," he rasped, as I moved across to his nipple. "It's so hot and you…you feel so good."

Without much further thought, I reached between us, pulling at his belt and undoing his pants. I pushed them over his narrow hips before running my hands back up his abdomen, feeling the trail of hair I found there. I felt his cock jump between us – cold and hard and smooth against the skin of my belly.

And then I fell.

I sunk to my knees in front of him, wanting to take him in my mouth. I remembered the pleasure I gave him and I wanted so much to make him feel that way again. But as I kneeled before him, I got lost in the sight of his beautiful, glorious cock.

Fuck.

It was gorgeous.

Just like him.

Looking up at him, I reached out and took him in my hand. He was so fucking hard, but his skin was smooth. He was long and thick and I couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like as it moved inside me.

It felt different.

It felt interesting.

I wanted to taste it.

But just as much as that, I wanted him to tell me that he wanted it, too.

"Do you want me to touch you?" I asked, feeling emboldened by the way that he's touched and talked to me...

"Yes," he rasped.

I stroked him once, long and firm, moving my thumb across his head and feeling the wetness seeping there. I brought my other hand to the base of his cock and with my eyes never leaving his; I sucked my thumb and tasted him. He cried out my name and I had never felt so desirable, so sexy. It was as good as my memory. His taste was like his smell – earthy and masculine and distinctively him.

"Do you want me to…suck you?"

"Yes." His voice was barely above a whisper.

My heart felt like it would come out of my chest, it was beating so hard. But I sucked in a breath and I spoke again.

"Tell me."

Even in the night, I could see his eyes darken. He brought his hands to the side of my face, his fingers in my hair and he slowly tilted my head up.

"I want you to," he said, his voice strained. "I want to feel your mouth around my cock before you feel it inside you."

I shuddered at his words.

"Please, Bella," he continued, "suck me."

And with that he guided my mouth to his cock.

I licked him softly at first, sucking just the tip. He was big, and while I knew that I could take him in deeper, I wanted to tease him the way that he'd teased me earlier. But as I continued to taste him, I found that I didn't want to tease him. I only wanted to make him feel good. I only wanted to make him feel needed. And there on my knees, I understood how significant that was. Even more than that, I understood that he needed that, too.

"Please," he whispered above me. "Please, please…oh, god…your mouth."

I sucked him harder as he slid deeper and his hands never once left my hair. He never pushed me, though I loved it when I felt him thrust gently in my mouth. I felt him growing bigger, tighter and when I heard him call my name above me, I knew that he was close.

"Bella," he rasped, stopping the movement of my head with his hands. "Please, Bella…ugh!"

He was wet and cold as he came and I swallowed around him as he softened in my mouth. I pulled back slightly, feeling him slide from my lips, marveling at his length even though he was no longer erect.

So quickly, I didn't know what was happening, I was up and in his arms. His face didn't even register before I felt his lips on mine and his tongue inside my mouth as he kissed me deeply, passionately.

"I can taste it," he breathed. "I can taste myself on your tongue."

I was moaning and breathing heavily from the kiss and I felt him move us backwards before he placed me on the bed. His hands worked quickly as he opened and unzipped my jeans, not waiting to pull them down before slipping his hand inside my panties.

"You're so wet," he marveled as his fingers slipped along my folds. "Did sucking my cock make you this wet?"

"You," I panted. "It was you…it's you."

"I need to be inside you," he said.

"Please," I whispered. "Just…please."

He pushed up on his knees, staring into my eyes as he leaned over me. I felt the denim slide down my legs as he slowly removed my jeans. My entire body was on edge and I felt this delicious anxiety cover me as he moved and positioned himself between my parted legs.

"There is nothing," he whispered. "No pleasure on this earth more intense and more erotic than what you just gave me."

"I want to give you everything," I told him honestly. "I don't know why, but I know I do, Edward."

"Bella, I…" his voice sounded broken. "I want that, too."

"Then take it," I said. "Take me."

I didn't know what I was asking for, but as the words left my mouth I knew that I was talking about more than just sex. And my mind couldn't process what that meant while I was lying naked before him…and he was naked before me.

He ran his hands along the inside of my legs and up my thighs, spreading me open completely before him. He took his index finger and he slipped it barely inside me, running it along the lips of my pussy. I jumped from the cold feeling of his finger, but my body adjusted quickly, only feeling the pleasure of what he was doing to me.

"I can smell you," he whispered. "Your blood doesn't call to me, Bella, but your sex…the smell of your sweet pussy does."

"Edward," I whimpered and cried and I felt him push his fingers inside me. "Oh, god!"

"You want this," he continued, pumping them in and out. "You're so ready for me."

"I want you," I told him, feeling my muscles clench around his fingers. "I only want you."

"You're so tight around my fingers," he said as he pushed in once more, holding them there and twisting them inside me. I could feel my body shaking under his touch. "I can't imagine what you'll feel like around my cock."

"You don't have to imagine!" I cried. "You can know. Please, Edward. I need this…I need you."

He leaned over me, kissing me again and I felt his fingers slide from inside me. My whole body ached to be filled with him, to feel him fuck me the way I knew that he could. He would make it so good. He would make everything so fucking good.

"I promise, Bella, he murmured against my neck. "I promise that I won't hurt you. I will _never_ hurt you."

"I know."

He reached between us, taking his cock in his hand and slipped it between the wet flesh of my sex. I shivered as his entire body covered mine, but I couldn't help but cling to him as I waited in anticipation for what he was about to do. He rubbed the head along my skin, circling my clit when he reached the top. And then I felt him at my entrance.

"Look at me," he whispered. "Please, look at me when I enter you."

Holding his eyes, I whispered, "I would never look away."

As he slowly pushed in, I held my breath. And as he filled me completely, he breathed my name. I had never felt anything more amazing than the way he felt inside me. It was more consuming than the air that I was breathing.

"It's never…I've never…" he rasped. "Oh, god…Bella."

"I know," I told him.

_And I did. _

He began to move, slowly at first, but then faster. I hitched my leg around his hip and my arms circled around him, trying desperately to hold him closer…feel him deeper. I had never known anything like this could exist. Not a connection this intense…both physically and emotionally. And as he continued to move inside me, I understood that connected was exactly what we were. In every sense of the word.

I had never had that.

Not with anyone.

I cried out in pleasure as he reached between us, seeking out my clit.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I couldn't even speak; I could only hold him closer.

"I'm not going to last," he cried. "It's so…you're so…_god_, it's so fucking good."

He rubbed me in tight circles and the feeling of him inside me, his hand on my skin, his voice in my ear and his entire body surrounding me was suddenly all too much. It was too much as I realized that I had lost any and all control, but before I could say anything else, I felt myself falling and coming and screaming out his name in my release.

~x~

~x~

~x~

And then everything went black.

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A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some. (Or you know, maybe a cigarette.)

Sorry for the delay in updating. Most of you who know and follow me, know that with my career, holidays are particularly challenging. I'm sorry making you guys wait. I love each and everyone of you that reads. Please hang in there with me through Christmas and I promise it will get much better. I can assure you that I will try to update at least once before the holidays are over. After that, I should be back to a regular posting schedule.

Thank you to my ficwife, soulmate and beta, Marvar. You make my words better and you're not afraid to tell me when my words sound ridiculous. Also, I _really_ love your voice.

Thanks to my pre-readers, Caren (Nerac), raina, and ltlerthqak. You all make me smile and I love that you love my dirty words. Pervy h00rs FTW!

**My Recc' this week**: Marvar wrote a story for me as a gift for my birthday. I loved it. It's called, "Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover." Please check it out and leave her some love. I gave her one prompt: Clooney in One Fine Day.

Thank you to everyone for the wonderful birthday wishes yesterday! You all made my day so much better! I puffy-heart each and every one of you!


	13. Declaration

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 12**

I'd never felt complete or whole.

Ever.

I'd never felt as if I belonged anywhere…with anyone. It had always, always been that way. Even from the beginning of my existence – this limitless and never-ending existence. And even before that, in my human life, I had always been searching for more…something bigger than what I was. For heroism, for glory, for power…and even love. And in the end…my need for something more took everything away.

Including my life.

I don't know if I can explain the way it felt to stand there in her home – Bella's home – and feel the gift of her acceptance. To hear her say the words…to feel her warm, wet lips on my skin…to be encircled by her arms as she opened them and embraced me. It was the most freeing experience I'd ever had. Yet at the same moment, by the same declaration and offering, I found that the most freeing thing was actually binding. With every touch and every word, my stone walls fell away and I was left with the need to be with her forever.

Forever.

And our forevers were completely different.

And still…I wanted.

~x~

~x~

~x~

I thought nothing could compare to her taste…the way her soft, pink flesh felt against my tongue. The way she whimpered and moaned and writhed underneath my fingers as they stroked her…touched her…and pushed her over the edge.

I was wrong.

I was so fucking wrong.

Because nothing – nothing could have prepared me for the feeling of entering her. The feeling of my cock sliding into warmth and wet – the slick and perfect of her pussy. I begged her not to look away…and she didn't. Her eyes held mine, wide and open like her legs, while her walls clamped down around my shaft…pulling me in deeper…taking me in further…until I was completely and entirely lost in her.

Her body.

Her heat.

Her heart and her soul.

I wish I could say that I was afraid I would hurt her, but I wasn't. The wide expanse of my mind, usually so adept at processing everything around me, was only able to focus on her and the way that she felt against me…the way that I felt inside her. It was all too much…so much.

Making love to Bella was everything.

It wasn't until I felt the pounding of her heart, so much quicker than before, that I began to notice my own surroundings. I was gripping her tightly, as her back and body tensed and arched in my arms. I looked down between us and watched as my cock pushed in and out of her. I could hear the sound of skin sliding…could feel every tremor and shiver of her body. I could see the slick and shiny coat of moisture on my skin. She was so fucking wet for me and the thought of that only made me push harder and deeper – wanting so much to just be as connected to her as possible.

I reached between us, finding her clit and rubbing it, wanting so much to make her come…wanting even more to make her scream my name as she did. And it was so primal and raw to see my hand on her pussy, my body inside her as I pushed over and over again as her legs wrapped around me.

"I'm not going to last," I cried. "It's so…you're so…_god_, it's so fucking good."

And that's when it happened.

I made the mistake of looking back to her face – her whimpers and cries compelling me to see the evidence of how I was making her feel. I needed to know that it was the same for her as it was for me. But I was not greeted with her beautiful face, instead, I was met with the long and creamy white length of her neck as her head fell back in passion and an ecstasy that I was sure had only ever happened between the two of us. Her pale skin, hot and damp with the sheen of her sweat covered the line of her blue artery that was pumping almost exactly to the rhythm of my cock.

And it was too much.

It was so much that the only thing I could think of was that I wanted to bite her. I wanted to sink my teeth into her flesh. I wanted to break open her skin and feel the hot pulsing of her blood on my tongue…wet and warm and thick like her pussy. I wanted it so fucking much…and not because I wanted to drink from her…no, this wasn't about bloodlust. It was because I wanted more than anything to change her and take her – to make her like me and keep her with me forever.

My forever.

Our forever.

I wanted it to be the same.

And I wanted it with her.

Her body spasmed in my arms, her pussy clenching my cock as she came all around me forcing my own release inside her. I felt her dripping and covering me, could hear the saturation of the sheets beneath us as they absorbed the evidence of our lovemaking, but it wasn't until I heard her scream my name that I understood exactly how close I had come in my own euphoric passion, to ending her life. Her perfect and beautiful and precious, fucking life.

And that was not mine to take.

She went completely limp in my arms, her eyes closed and her body collapsed on the bed. I panicked as I held her, searching her face and looking for any sign of injury. Her breathing was slow, but steady…and I could feel and hear the uneven thumping of her heart that was still pounding.

She was okay.

She was fine…and perfect…and sleeping.

I hadn't hurt her.

I fell to her side, pulling her limp, frail body into my arms. I held her against me, kissing her face, her cheeks, her neck and shoulders, willing her to come back to me. It was while I waited that I thought about what I had almost done. And still, even then, I could not release her. Something, deep-rooted and weighted with permanence, whispered to me, telling me that this was fated…this was real…this was absolutely and undeniably meant to happen.

I was meant to find her.

I was meant to hold her.

And she…Bella…was meant to be mine.

Was it just two days ago that I thought she was inconsequential? Had I ever really thought she was nothing more than a fleeting fascination? Did I ever really convince myself that I followed and watched her simply because her mind was silent to me? Looking at her, seeing the softness of her skin, feeling the full, womanly curves of her body, the way her hair hung heavy and wild around her heart-shaped face – I understood that on some level, I had always wanted her like this. Naked and spent and still dripping with our climax.

I had never had sex as a vampire. Not once. It wasn't as if I hadn't thought about it. In fact, with my ability, the thoughts and desires of others constantly flooded my mind. Humans and vampires are both very sexual by nature. And the need to seek out sexual pleasure is one of their basest instincts.

I had always wanted.

But never felt I deserved.

The memories I had of sex as a human were clouded – but still there. They only served to mock me in my self-imposed abstinence. There was never any special girl. There were only random encounters in dirty bars. Eager hands reaching inside my pants, warm and slick with their own spit as they stroked me until I came. Hard and fast fucks in the back of a car or a cheap and dirty motel room if I was lucky. The few nameless and ultimately faceless women all offering their bodies out of some over-romanticized notion of duty. I was young and cocky and because of who I was and what I did, I was more than willing to accept. Completely and unforgivably entitled as I took from them…stole from them. But in the end, I paid…with my life and my soul. And it wasn't until I lay there with her in my arms, that I began to think there was a reason.

It was her.

It had always been about her.

I held her for the longest time and she slept peacefully in my arms. I pulled the blanket over her shortly after I realized that sleep had taken her. She was beginning to chill and I was unwilling to relinquish the feeling of holding her against me. I knew she was exhausted – she had to have been after the past two days – and I was more than content to just be there with her. It was a kind of peace that I had only known in her presence.

Sometime close to dawn, she stirred a little, shifting closer to me, her tiny fingers pressing against the stone of my skin. I could feel the warmth of her breath against my chest and the silk of her hair as it spilled over my shoulder and onto my neck. Everything about her was soft…including her voice.

"Edward," she murmured.

And even after what we had been through…even after everything we'd shared…the sound of her saying my name as she slept fucking broke me and I allowed myself to fall. I stayed there, submerged and sinking…and praying that I would never resurface.

I was in love with her.

Hopelessly…

Endlessly…

Unquestioningly…in love with her.

I almost couldn't contain my joy as I let the feeling consume me. I was astounded and humbled at the knowledge that it was _her_ – _she_ had allowed me this. Her grace and beauty, her strength and courage, her unwavering stubbornness as she refused to allow me to walk away from her…from this. And had she known? Even before me that this was happening? Did she feel the same way? Did she love me the way that I loved her? Could her human heart possibly feel the way I felt? As if on cue, she whispered my name again and I couldn't help but hope.

Her peaceful whispers and contented sighs soon turned into whimpers and her soft, beautiful face contorted into a pained and unsettled expression. Pulling her closer, I stroked her hair.

"It's okay, Bella," I whispered. "Shhh…it's alright. I'm here."

"Please," she cried softly. "Please, please…don't."

I couldn't fathom what was causing her this much pain…even as she slept. What sadness and pain filled her dreams? A part of me feared that it was me…that she was scared of me. But as I held her and touched her, I found that my touch was soothing…my voice calmed and comforted her. And that was the part I chose to focus on. That allowed me to linger in the quiet happiness that only she had ever been able to provide me.

A few minutes passed, and she began to shift and move again, her settled body twisting and turning in my arms. My peace was interrupted, when her breathing became labored, as her soft hands grabbed and clutched at me frantically…fiercely.

"Don't…" she choked and sobbed softly. "Please…please…Edward…"

The sound of my name in her broken and crying voice hung in the air and I wondered if I should wake her.

"Bella," I rasped. "Bella, please…please…don't what?"

My mind was frantic and I began to shake her as gently as possible. Her eyes didn't open and as her cries continued, I found myself sitting up fully and pulling her against me and holding her in my arms. I felt her pain with every cry…her anxiety with every trembling shudder of her body.

"Don't go," she cried against my neck. "Please, just…don't…don't go."

She thought I would leave. In her heart and mind – even while she slept – she thought that I could leave her. How could she think that I could ever, ever leave her? My mind raced with the need to understand what could have possibly happened to her in her past to feel that way.

I remembered her words from the morning before. She said that everyone left. Who was everyone? And then I thought about the sight of her in the morning fog as she sat on her truck, overlooking a cemetery while she cried softly to herself. Someone she loved had died. But who?

_Was it a lover?_

At the thought of another man holding the space of the same heart I wanted to hold, I became irrationally jealous. Angry even. I knew it was wrong of me. She was beauty and grace and everything wonderful in this fucked up world. Someone was bound to love her. But I fucking loved her and I wanted – no, I needed – her to love me the same way.

I stroked her naked back, ignoring the way her soft, warm skin felt against my own…the way her full, round breasts pressed against my chest. My cock could not ignore it and I cursed my own body for not being able to control its own reaction.

"Never," I whispered in her ear. My own voice was low and held a promise-filled vow that I never knew I was capable of offering. "Never, never, never, Bella. I could never leave. Not now. Not after…"

I stopped myself from speaking. I almost told her then, that I loved her. It was on my tongue, fucking dripping off the edge…but I couldn't. Not then. Not when she was sleeping. Not when she was crying. Not when her body was still shaking with an unknown fear I didn't entirely understand.

Why the fuck couldn't I hear her?

I needed to know the secrets that only her silent mind could unlock.

Continuing my soft touches, I rocked her back and forth, whispering her name in her ear. He grip never lessened as she clung to me and when she finally woke, it was with a sharp gasp and wide, scared eyes.

"Shhh…" I said, bringing my hand to her chin and looking into her eyes. She was so close and her breath covered my face. "I'm right here, Bella. And it's okay…you're okay."

I didn't know if it was okay. I didn't know if _she_ was okay. But the moment she finally recognized what was happening, her chocolate eyes filled with tears and she sobbed into my shoulder.

"You're here," she cried. "You're really here. This really happened."

Her arms went around my neck and she moved so that she was sitting in my lap. Her legs wrapped around me and I let her envelop me fully, reveling in her warmth, all the while trying to soothe her fear and ease her pain.

"Yes," I told her. "Yes, Bella…it did. I'm here."

She pressed herself closer. I held her tighter, conscious of the fact that I needed to be gentle for as much as I wanted to crush her to me…to embrace and consume her. I felt her warm body begin to settle slowly, except for the small shivers that told me it probably wasn't the best position for her. I moved to reach the blanket and she stopped me.

"Stop, please…" she whimpered. "Don't move."

"I'm just getting the blanket," I explained before pressing a reassuring kiss to her temple. "You're cold, Bella. My body…my…I am making you cold."

"I-I'm f-fine…" she stuttered, tears still welling in her eyes.

"You're shivering," I told her gently, holding her gaze while I retrieved the blanket and wrapped it around her. "And stubborn," I added, hoping to make her smile.

It worked somewhat – the corners of her perfect lips twitched slightly around the edges. She laid her head back against my chest and I held her as she continued to calm down.

It wasn't until she took one last shaking and shuddering breath, that I felt her completely relax. It was such an odd experience to be the one to offer comfort…to anyone. Especially this beautiful, human woman. Having been alone for so long – the concept was almost completely foreign to me. But I wanted to soothe her…I wanted to be the one to make her feel safe and secure and most importantly…not alone.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, unsure whether I should or not.

She shook her head, not really saying anything. I looked down into her eyes and they were filled with sadness and awe and a thousand fucking emotions that I could spend endless days and nights trying to interpret. And as much as I wanted to just be whatever she needed in that moment, I knew I had to understand. She had to tell me what filled her world with that much sadness. And because I was still reeling from her ability to push me…I pressed.

"Bella," I whispered. "You can talk to me…you can tell me…anything."

"Can't we…can't we just…I just want to be here with you right now," she said. "Would that be okay?"

And honestly, anything she would have wanted to do would have been okay with me. Because for the first time in my entire fucked up life – if that's what you could call it – I was with the one person who had ever really seen me for who I actually was and still wanted me anyway. But my own need to know and understand her wouldn't let me drop it. Her mind wouldn't speak to me…she would have to.

She just fucking had to.

"Last night," I started and then paused, weighing in my mind whether or not I could push her. Her head was resting on my chest and I felt her press a kiss there. The feeling of her lips on me sent tingling, warming shocks through my cold body. "Last night…you _made_ me tell you. You made me say the words even though I was afraid and even though I thought you would run away from me again. But you know what, Bella?"

"What?" she asked meekly; still not meeting my eyes.

And that just wasn't going to work. Not after everything that had happened. Not after everything she had given me…and the way I had opened up to her. And definitely not after I realized that I loved her. I was in love with her – completely – and I didn't want her to hide one single part of herself from me. I wanted to know what made her cry. I wanted to know…and I wanted to make it better.

Doubt, in all of its clouded bleakness began to cover me. A part of me knew that there was nothing that I could give her to make her life any better. I could only bring her pain…I could only shroud her in constant death and a life filled with darkness and anonymity. She deserved so much more than that. She deserved so much more than me.

But then I remembered the look in her eyes when she told me it didn't matter. The determination outweighing her fear. Her need for me to be with her, so thick that I could taste it. My mind flooded with images of kissing and touching her…of fucking sinking into her heat and feeling – _knowing_ – that her body was made to fit mine completely. The way her lips molded against mine as we kissed. The curve of her hip against my palm. Her breasts in my hand…filling my mouth. Her pussy sheathing me, clinging to my cock as I pushed into her over and over again.

That was real.

That was perfect.

She was everything and I had waited for her so long.

"Look at me," I asked. "Please…please…just look at me."

Her head lifted slowly and her watery eyes met mine. And I tried to pour every ounce of everything I was feeling into the way that I was looking at her. All of it was foreign – and even though I was a monster – it was by far the scariest thing I could remember.

"You didn't run. You stayed…you stayed and I stayed. And for the first time ever, I felt like I belonged. I felt like I belonged, Bella…and I felt…I felt complete."

She looked at me for what felt like hours – her eyes betraying nothing of what she was thinking or feeling. And then suddenly, her hands reached up to my face and she cupped my cheeks. Her thumbs dragged along my lips, sweeping over and under. Her fingers felt like fire as they caressed me. Lifting higher, she stroked the lines of my brows and I found myself closing my eyes and just feeling and loving the way she touched me.

"I felt it, too," she whispered as she ran her fingers through my hair. "I feel it."

I wanted to kiss her. I wanted so fucking much in that moment, to cover her mouth with mine and taste her and show her what I was feeling. That it wasn't just words. That this was actually happening for me…and it was happening because of her. But I knew if I did that, I would be lost in her again. And I wanted her to talk…to tell me her secrets. I needed her to reveal her dark spaces and broken pieces so that I could show her that I was man enough to put them back together. Just for fucking once, I wanted to be the man that wouldn't run. She made me want to stay.

"Tell me about the cemetery," I said. "Tell me why you were there. Tell me why you were crying…"

Her eyes grew big and she bit down on her bottom lip.

"I forgot that you knew," she said. "I…I forgot that you…you followed me."

"I did," I said, hanging my head down for the briefest moment. I could feel her fingers in my hair, her nails scratching along my scalp. It felt like heaven…soft and gentle and no more than a whispered touch to my skin. "I did, Bella. I saw you there crying and hurting and all by yourself. And I want to know…I _need_ to know what makes you so sad. Who left you? Who…who died?"

She sucked in a deep and sharp breath at my words. There was so much pain reflected in her eyes. It was a kind of pain and emotion I'd never sensed or seen in any other person…ever. I immediately pulled her against me, feeling her hot tears as they spilled out and onto my chest and I hated myself for making her hurt.

"I don't know if I can," she whispered, her voice broken and thick with tears. "I don't…just…I just don't know if I'm ready to talk about that."

And still…even then…I needed to know. I remembered – with a vivid and burning clarity – the sound of her voice over the Ouija board as she wondered aloud if she could communicate with them. I could see the suit lying across the bed in the room across the hall. I could still taste the dust in the air, bitter with age and avoidance.

"Was it…was he a lover?"

Her crying turned into heaving sobs and I waited for her to push me away. Scared that I had pushed too hard…too soon. I waited, but she didn't push me away. She held me closer, her hands grabbing and clinging so tightly that I knew it had to be hurting her. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to help her, so I did the only thing that I could do.

I let her cry.

"They," she sobbed. "Not him…not he…they!"

Her whole body tensed as she cried and shook and heaved in my arms.

"Not a lover, not…not…not a lover!"

"I'm sorry, Bella," I told her. "I'm so fucking sorry."

I didn't know if I was apologizing for making her cry or for whatever loss she had suffered. I only knew that I couldn't be the one to make her feel this way. Not when she had given me so much in such a small amount of time. Not when she had done nothing but accept and embrace…and love me.

God, I fucking hoped that she loved me.

She continued to cry…almost to the point where she should have been exhausted. I felt her settle slowly, her body finally relaxing and giving into her fatigue. I continued to hold her…trying to show her with my actions that I never meant to hurt her. I only wanted to help her, comfort her…all of her. I was so focused on what I could do – on what I should do – but her voice broke through as she timidly spoke.

"They were my whole world. They were my whole world and then…then they were gone. And I was alone. I was alone and scared and for as much as I was an adult," she spat bitterly, "I wasn't. I was so young and I didn't know. I didn't know what to do, Edward. How to cope."

She was opening up to me and I was trying to piece together words, so that they would make sense to me. I felt helpless and stupid for not understanding…and then everything clicked in my mind.

Not he.

They.

"And I couldn't do it," she continued. "I couldn't do it…but I had to. I had to because…because…I couldn't lose them. I couldn't lose all that I had left of them."

"Your parents?" I breathed.

And she didn't tell me yes, but the way she trembled in my arms as she cried answered my question.

"And I was dead inside, too," she cried. "All these years…missing them…wishing that I…wishing that I'd had a chance to say goodbye. To tell them that I loved them…but I fucking couldn't. I couldn't…and I stayed and there is nothing but loss and it's all around me! It's everywhere I look! _They_ are everywhere I turn. And as much as I hate it…I need it. It's the only thing I have left. And I'm so alone, Edward. I've been so fucking alone….until…"

Her voice halted and her breathing stopped. And if I'd had a heart, it would have stopped too.

_Until…_

_Until…_

Never had one word held so much meaning. Never had I wanted to hear her thoughts more than I did in that moment.

_Until…_

_Until…_

And I had to know.

"Until what?" I asked, my voice thick and low and rough with all the desperation that I felt. "Until what, Bella?"

Tears still spilled hot and wet down her cheeks as she looked at me. And I searched her wet eyes for the answer that I was looking for. I saw hurt and fear and pain, but I also I saw hope and trust…and love.

In her eyes.

It was there.

Warm and wonderful and real like her.

"Until you."

My mouth was on hers in an instant, kissing her lips and tasting her tears. It was salt and hurt and light and love. _She tasted like love_. And I wanted so much to make her pain go away – wanted so much to show her that I understood. But most of all, I wanted to show her that I _knew_ that this was meant to be. She was _meant_ to sit on her porch with that board. She was _meant_ to hear my thoughts when there was no explanation for how it happened... I was _meant_ to come into her home and crawl in her bed…and we were _meant_ to find each other.

_Everything led to this._

_Everything led to her._

And before I could think, I was speaking into her mouth.

"Please," I begged. "Please…come with me. Let me…let me…let me take you away from this place…this pain. You don't have to be alone anymore. We can be together, Bella. We can be together…because…because…"

_Could I do it?_

_Could I say it?_

~x~

~x~

~x~

"Because…I love you."

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

The holidays are over and things should be getting (somewhat) back to normal for me. Thank you for your understanding and your patience. I hope the chapter was worth the wait.

Thank you to Marvar for being my beta and my friend – for always making time for me and for a million other things that I don't have time to list. ILYSFM

Thank you to my pre-readers, Caren (Nerac), Raina and ltlerthqak. You all mean the world to me.

I posted a O/S over the holiday. Jingle Bella. Check it out if you'd like. I've been told it's funny and hot. :)

Also, Marvar wrote me a two-shot for my birthday in December. It is funny and hot and I loved it so much! Plese, check it out and leave her some love. It's called, Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover.

As always, I do not own the characters, but they sure the fuck own me.


	14. Remains

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 13**

I floated…

_High_.

I slept…

_Hard_.

I felt safe…

_Protected_.

I dreamed…

_Vividly_.

~x~

~x~

~x~

"_Come on, Bella," Alice whined as we walked to the parking lot after school. "How many times are you going to graduate?"_

"_Twice," I answered, without a beat. "Maybe three times if I decide to get my doctorate."_

"_Will I have to call you Dr. Swan?" she asked, giggling and grabbing the finger that was ready to flick her. Hard. "But you know what I mean. How many times are you going to graduate from high school?"_

"_Just the one time," I laughed. "Thank god. I couldn't handle another year at Forks High School. I don't think I could handle another year in Forks period."_

_Her face fell and I immediately felt bad. I grabbed her hand that was still clutching my finger. I looked at her and pulled her to me in a hug._

"_You know I'll miss you, right?" I asked, feeling the wispy, short strands of her hair as they tickled my nose. She smelled like apples and honey. _

"_I know," she sighed, squeezing me tight. "Besides, someone has to stay here to keep Jacob out of trouble. He's going to miss you more than me. Well…maybe…only a little more."_

"_I know. I'm going to miss him, too…but I can't not go."_

_We reluctantly pulled apart and climbed in my truck. Her voice was louder now, trying to rise above the sound of the engine. "That's exactly why you need to come to the party. It will be the last time you get to party with all your friends."_

"_The only friends I care about are you and Jake," I told her as I pulled out of the parking lot. "You're the only ones that are important to me."_

"_Well, this is important to me," she said. "You can have dinner with your parents anytime."_

_She had a point. She always did. I looked at her and smiled as I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore the excitement that was bouncing off her in the small cab of my truck._

"_Fine," I conceded. "Let me talk to my mom."_

~x~

~x~

~x~

Strong arms held me. I could feel the cool breath of comfort…of peace and passion and reassurance surrounding me.

It was lulling me back.

It was holding me down.

All at the same time.

I think I whispered his name.

It was safety and togetherness. It was a feeling I hadn't experienced in so long that my body scarcely recognized the sensation. But I knew that it was there. Knew – beyond any shadow of ever-present doubt – that he was there.

Holding me.

Touching me.

Kissing me and keeping me safe.

Safe enough to stay in the space of my unconscious mind where I never allowed myself to go. Safe enough to remember the love and the pain...and the darkness and solitude that followed.

~x~

~x~

~x~

"_Isabella Marie Swan," my mother said. Disappointment filled her voice and I had to look down just to avoid seeing that sound reflected in her eyes. "Your father has been waiting for this night for so long. He is so proud of you. So proud…and all he wants is to take you out and celebrate your success. Your milestone."_

"_But, Mom," I whined petulantly. "All of my friends are going to be there. And we can go to dinner any time to celebrate graduation."_

"_Jacob won't be there," she said, knowing full-well that I only had two real friends. She always knew everything. "Billy told your Dad that he and Jake were going to come over after we got back from dinner."_

_I rolled my eyes and silently wondered why I was putting up such a fight for this anyway. I wanted to celebrate with my family. I wanted to go to dinner at the lodge with my Dad and see the look of pride on his face as he told his friends about me. It would be the same look he had the day I got the letter. It would make him so happy. And I wanted to see Jacob. I would miss him so much when I was away and I knew that my leaving was going to be tough on him. Probably more than Alice. Probably more than anyone._

_But Alice wanted me there._

_And I would miss her so much._

_And while I got to go and do and see new things…she would have to stay._

"_Jacob will have his own graduation party when he graduates next year," I said. "And I'll be home from school by then and I will celebrate with him."_

"_Hey, hey, hey…" the familiar and warming voice filled the room. I looked up to see his warm brown eyes – a reflection of my own eyes – crinkled and smiling just like his lips that were hidden beneath his mustache. "What's with the long face, Bells?"_

_He always called me that. He had always called me that. Well, Jacob called me that, too. But I secretly always thought he did it because Charlie did. And he knew how much I loved it. _

"_Go ahead, Bella," my mother interjected. "Tell your father what you want."_

"_You never want anything," he chided me. "What could you possibly want that you don't have?"_

~x~

~x~

~x~

And even in my sleep, my mind knew. My mind knew that I did have everything then. Everything I could have ever asked or hoped for.

Everything.

Everything.

Everything.

And the strong arms pulled me closer.

The strong arms held me tighter.

And I was still safe.

Still connected.

To someone.

To him.

And for then – in that moment – it was enough.

~x~

~x~

~x~

"_You really want to go to this party, Bells?" he asked. His face was soft and he fidgeted with the loose string hanging from the patch on his uniform. It was gold and contrasted so brightly to the black that surrounded it. "You're sure you don't want to come to the lodge with me and your mother? We won't have many more nights like this with you."_

_I looked at his patch and then to his badge. It never really struck me more than it did then, that my father was a protector. I guess I had always taken it for granted because I had always felt so protected. _

_So safe. _

_But he protected everyone. Not just me and my mom. He protected all of the people in this sleepy little town where nothing ever happened. And then I thought, fleetingly, that maybe nothing ever happened because Charlie was so careful…so strong…and so sure in his quiet determination._

"_I'm sure, Dad," I told him, biting my lip and looking up into his eyes. "I'm going to miss my friends. Alice."_

_His face softened even more. He would never admit it out loud, but we all knew he had a soft spot in his heart for her. He had been called on too many nights to her house for some domestic disturbance. He had been so relieved when her father had finally left town for good. Things got so much better for them after that. Even if money was a little tight once he left._

"_Well, we are going to miss our little girl…but if you really want to go…" _

_My heartbeat raced and I was excited._

_He was going to let me._

_I knew that he would let me go._

"_If this is your decision, who am I to stop you?" he asked, smiling again. "After all. It's hard to question someone who is so smart that she got accepted into Dartmouth. You don't get that kind of recognition and opportunity without making the right decisions. And you're sure this is the right decision?"_

_His face looked serious, but I could still see the smile behind his eyes._

"_Yes," I nodded enthusiastically. "I think this is the right decision, dad."_

_He looked to my mother who was shaking her head, but smiling, too. And I felt a million different things. Embarrassment, happiness, anxiousness… _

"_Well, then," he said, "I think that we will just have to go to the lodge to celebrate another night then. We still have the whole summer to celebrate with our beautiful, bright, intelligent daughter."_

_My heart swelled at his praise. He was a man of so few words, so when he chose to use them to lift me up like that; I could barely contain my own pride._

_I rushed up, excited to run upstairs and call Alice. She would have to help me pick out my outfit for the party. As I rounded the corner, I could hear their laughter, but then I heard his voice calling to me._

"_Bells?"_

_I stopped, rolling my eyes as I turned back around and stood in the doorway. _

"_You know that we really think that, don't you?"_

"_What?"_

"_That you're beautiful and smart," he said. "And we are so, so proud of you, baby."_

_I blushed and shifted from foot to foot, uncomfortable with so much attention._

"_I know, Dad."_

"_Good."_

"_May I please go upstairs now?"_

_I looked to my mom for help, but she was smiling and looking at me the same way he was._

"_Yeah…go on."_

_I ran up the stairs, ignoring him as he called out to me again. I'm pretty sure he told me that they loved me…_

~x~

~x~

~x~

The pain was too much.

It was so much that I couldn't breathe.

I felt suffocated and scared.

I could feel my own body writhe…I could hear my own voice whimper.

It was the same.

It was always the same.

But it was different.

There was so much about it that was different this time.

I wasn't alone.

The arms were still there.

They were still holding me.

They were still comforting me.

I needed to wake up. I couldn't go back to that place. I fought with myself, but my eyes were so heavy and my body was so tired. And the arms were so strong and binding.

Still holding…

Still rocking…

Still stroking…

And the voice – his voice – was in my ear. Cool and soothing and breath moving against my hair and neck with his words. I pressed closer to the source – the calming source that made it okay.

He was still there.

He was still there…and everything was okay.

Sleep and dreams continued to consume me.

~x~

~x~

~x~

"_Where's Mom?" _

"_She's getting her hair done," he chuckled. "You would think that she was the one graduating instead of you. I'm going to go pick her up in a minute."_

"_You don't want to ride with us, Bells?" my dad asked as I took my cap and gown from the closet. He was still in his uniform from working the overnight, but I knew Mom had put his new suit on the bed. "Alice could ride with us, too."_

"_Umm…no…that's okay," I stammered. "Alice wants us to ride together and we are going to head down to La Push to pick up Jake first."_

"_Yeah," he nodded. "I know. I spoke to Billy earlier and he told me that he wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be able to make it."_

"_Yeah, so…I have to get going," I said, brushing past him. "I'll see you and Mom at the ceremony."_

"_Okay…and Bells…be careful."_

_I turned around and smiled and then nodded._

"_I always am."_

~x~

"_I still think it's bullshit that Jessica Stanley is the valedictorian," Alice said as she straightened out the imaginary creases in my gown. "You have the same GPA as her."_

"_Yeah, but she was more "involved" than I was," I said. "Besides, I would be way too nervous to make a speech in front of all these people anyway."_

"_I think your speech would have been great," Jake murmured behind me. I turned around to face him, blushing. "You look beautiful, Bells."_

_He brushed my hair out of my face, his hand lingering on my neck a little longer than normal._

"_Thank you, Jake."_

~x~

"_Where are they?" I asked Alice. "I don't see them."_

_Something felt off…wrong. And I couldn't figure out what it was. It was a knot in my stomach that wouldn't go away. I took in a deep breath trying to shake off my anxiety. _

"_I'm sure they're here, Bella," she reassured me. "There are like a million people here. Or a hundred. It is Forks, after all."_

_I scanned the gym and still didn't see them, but I was sure she was right. _

_They were there. _

_They had to be there._

~x~

"_Alice Brandon."_

_I clapped as I watched my best friend accept her diploma on the podium. I waited and watched…forcing myself not to look for them in the crowd anymore. My name would be called soon enough._

_And then I would know._

_I would know where they were because my parents would cheer louder than everyone in the gym because they were so proud. _

_I would hear their voices._

_I would see them smiling._

_And maybe even crying a little._

_But I would hear…and I would know._

_And everything would be okay._

_Okay…_

_Okay…_

_Okay…_

"_Isabella Swan."_

_There was cheering…but not theirs._

_There was smiling…but not theirs._

_And I walked numbly, not fully understanding what was going on…but knowing something was wrong._

_And every step felt like an eternity as my legs shook and my heart pounded._

_I could see Alice in front, her diploma tucked under her arm while her hands clapped enthusiastically. And I could see Jake to the side and his face looked like I felt. _

_Stricken._

_Confused._

_And standing all alone._

_Alone…_

_Alone…_

_Alone…_

~x~

~x~

~x~

I couldn't stay there anymore.

I needed to open my eyes.

It was too much – the pain – it was always too much. And I couldn't take it.

Open your eyes…

Open your eyes…

But it was in vain.

All of it in vain.

The arms were still holding me…still keeping me.

His arms were still there.

And I was still so tired. Collapsed and broken, but he was holding me together.

Open your eyes…

Open your eyes…

I could feel him around me – cold and strong and molded to my body.

Whispering.

Touching.

Kissing.

Holding.

His arms and hands were safe and secure. And I was so scared that he would disappear.

Just like them.

Because no one ever stayed.

Ever.

Not ever.

Not when I needed them.

Why did I need him?

Why was he so much…so right…so everything all at once?

Please.

Please.

Please.

I tried to beg him to stay, but I couldn't find my voice.

Wake me up.

Please.

Please.

Please, please, please…wake me up.

Wake me up and take me again.

Wake me up and make me feel like I'll be okay.

You make everything okay.

Fill me…

Fuck me…

Make me forget.

Because when you are inside me, I don't remember anything.

I only know how you feel.

How you taste.

How your breath fills my lungs.

How you swallow my cries – that for the first time – are cries of something other than pain. Other than loss. Other than desperate loneliness and constant fucking grieving.

You are fierce.

You are passion.

You are fire and ice.

It's reflected in your eyes.

It's on your lips.

It drips from your tongue.

It's in your hands.

Your strong fucking hands that are still here. Still holding me. Still telling me that it's okay to rest. That I'm not alone…even though I've been alone for so long.

Still…

Still…

Still…

He was still there.

For the moment…he was still there.

"Don't go. Please…please…Edward…"

I thought I heard my voice.

I thought I heard him, too.

But still…I slept.

And still…I dreamed.

~x~

~x~

~x~

"_Bella," Sam Uley said my name. _

_He was standing off to the side of Jacob, who instinctively reached for my hand. It was warm and so big. It surrounded my flesh and bones and even though it should have been comforting, it wasn't. _

_Sam was wearing his deputy uniform. His was new and crisp – not like my dad's at all. There was no gold thread hanging from his patch and the black was really black. _

_Like death._

_I fought the urge to vomit while Jacob held my hand tighter._

"_Bella, there's been an accident."_

"_Where are they?" I asked. "Are they okay? Please, take me to the hospital."_

_He looked at me and said nothing. His eyes were soft and dark and full of emotions that I didn't understand. Emotions that I didn't want to understand._

_But I knew I did._

_I understood._

_Even then._

"_Jake?" _

_I looked up into his eyes and they were the same. The same as Sam's. The same darkness. The same sadness. And they were wet. His eyes were wet with tears that I should have been crying. Only I didn't really know that I should be crying because no one was saying the words that needed to be said._

_No one was telling me._

_They were all just staring and looking and waiting…_

_Why the fuck were they all waiting?_

"_Bells," Jake said. "Everything's going to be okay."_

"_Take me to them, Jake," I whispered. My voice was shaking like my body. "You drive. Please…you can drive my truck."_

"_Bella…"_

_He said my name. He said my whole name and he NEVER said my whole name. Everything was wrong. Everything was wrong and I couldn't understand why or how. I couldn't begin to understand what was happening. _

_Except that I did._

_I understood._

_I knew. _

_Even then._

"_I'm so sorry," he whispered. And he was crying. He was crying and I should have been crying. But I couldn't cry because no one was actually saying the words. "Bella…they're gone."_

_Gone…_

_No._

_Gone…_

_No._

_Gone…_

_No, no, no…_

"_Gone?" I asked, but I knew. I already knew. I knew when I felt the knot in my belly that wouldn't go away. Something was wrong. But not this. It couldn't have been this. "What do you mean?"_

"_The road was slick with rain," Sam said._

_It rains here all the time._

"_They never saw the van coming."_

_Careful._

_Charlie told me to be careful._

_Charlie was ALWAYS careful._

_Careful with me._

_Careful with my mom._

_Careful with Billy and Jacob and Alice._

_Careful with each and everything that he did…every person that he knew. _

_He was the most careful person I knew._

_This couldn't have happened._

_It couldn't._

_It couldn't._

_It couldn't._

"_Bella…they died."_

_And the knot was a hole. A gaping, ripped open hole that was bleeding my loss. A hole where my organs used to be. And it never stopped. The pain and the ache never stopped even though my heart kept beating. _

_And why did my heart get to beat when theirs didn't? _

_Why didn't I go with them?_

_The road would have been different if I had gone with them. We would have gone to La Push. We would have been together. Everything would have been different and they would have still been here._

_And I wouldn't be alone._

_Alone._

_Alone._

_I was so fucking alone._

~x~

~x~

~x~

Strong arms were still there and I wasn't alone.

Whispered words and gentle affection.

He was there.

Edward.

Edward was still there and he was still holding me. But the ache was still there and the pain was still raw. And through all of it – I could feel him holding me. Keeping me. Did he really want to keep me?

Could he?

Did he?

Would he?

All I could do was beg. I couldn't open my eyes, but my voice suspended somewhere between wakefulness and sleep pleaded with him to stay.

"Don't go. Please, just…don't…don't go."

No one ever stayed.

They always left.

And I was always…always alone.

I needed to open my eyes.

I couldn't stay there anymore.

The dreams were too hard…the memories too painful.

I willed my eyes to open.

Please, open…please.

Please…

Please…

Please…

And I still couldn't see. It was just dark. It was so fucking dark…but I could still feel him. He was still there.

_Please, Edward._

_Don't go._

_Please, don't go._

_Stay with me._

_Just stay._

_Please, always stay._

"Don't go. Please, just…don't…don't go."

And then I heard his voice.

Soft and velvet and soothing in its reassurance.

"Never," he whispered. He promised. "Never, never, never, Bella. I could never leave. Not now. Not after…"

~x~

~x~

~x~

_Flowers and condolences and covered dishes that I was too sick to eat surrounded me._

_Arrangements needed to be made. I didn't know how to make arrangements, but Jacob helped. Jacob helped and held my hand as we made our way to the gravesite._

_On the thirteenth of June, I wore a black dress that was too big because I wasn't capable of going to the store to try it on. I stood there in soft fabric that draped over my sallow flesh and sagging bones._

_Unable to cry._

_Unable to breathe._

_And I buried my parents._

_~x~_

"_What do you mean the house in is foreclosure?" I asked. "I don't understand. The house is paid for. They owned it. It was my grandfather's."_

"_Your parents," Mrs. Stanley said calmly. Too calmly. "They took out a second mortgage to pay for your tuition to Dartmouth."_

"_What do I need to do?"_

"_The mortgage has to be paid, dear. Or the bank will take the house."_

_Words. They were just words. Words I didn't understand._

_Not then._

_Not yet._

"_What about the life insurance?"_

"_It covered the funerals and there was a little bit left," she said, offering me a Kleenex. I didn't even know that I was crying. And I hated myself for not being strong enough to not cry in front of her. "But it's not enough."_

_~x~_

"_What can I do for you?" the big hulking man asked as I entered the bar. "You look like you're lost."_

"_I need a job."_

_The bar was dark, but clean. It smelled of smoke and stale beer._

"_How old are you?"_

"_Eighteen."_

"_Aren't you…?" he started. "Aren't you that girl? Chief Swan's daughter?"_

_I cringed and hugged myself tightly._

_I could do it._

_I could say it._

_They were only words and he didn't really know me._

_He didn't understand that my heart shattered a little more every time I had to speak or hear his name._

"_Yes…Charlie Swan was my father."_

_His eyes softened and so did his smile. His dimples still remained and I wondered what he would say._

_He had to say yes._

_There was no other choice._

"_You father was a good man."_

"_Yes," I choked out. "He was."_

"_When can you start?"_

~x~

_I was only eighteen._

_My life should have been just beginning._

_But it wasn't._

_It didn't._

_It never ever fucking did._

_Until…_

_Until…_

_Until…_

~x~

~x~

~x~

His voice pulled me my sleep.

Thankfully.

Graciously.

I gasped loudly, unable to still find breath. He was there. He was still fucking there. And he pulled me to him, placed me in his lap. And I could only get out choking sobs and broken words, pleading for him to stay…thankful that he was still there.

And then he asked what made me cry. He wanted to know what made me sad. He asked about the room. He asked about the cemetery. And I couldn't speak. I was completely unable to relive the pain again.

Not then.

Not while everything was still so fresh in my mind.

But he pushed.

He pushed and he pushed and he pushed.

And he was afraid that there was someone else. Another man. Because how could he know that there had never been anyone but him? Not Jacob…not anyone.

And it was with a sob that I finally let it all out. I knew I wasn't making sense…not even to myself. But he listened – he listened and he held me and he let me cry my tears onto his shoulder. And the same arms that held me all night – the same arms that allowed me to feel safe in this space – were still there.

Still comforting.

Still so strong and unmoving.

And still fucking there.

He was still there.

He told me he felt complete – that I made him feel complete. And it was in that moment that I knew. It was him. I had been waiting for him.

"And I was dead inside, too," I cried. "All these years…missing them…wishing that I…wishing that I'd had a chance to say goodbye. To tell them that I loved them…but I fucking couldn't. I couldn't…and I stayed and there is nothing but loss and it's all around me! It's everywhere I look! _They_ are everywhere I turn. And as much as I hate it…I need it. It's the only thing I have left. And I'm so alone, Edward. I've been so fucking alone….until…"

Was he ready for that kind of declaration? I was so scared that if I continued to speak, it would be too much. That this would all be too much and he would realize that I wasn't worth all of this.

He was supernatural.

He was beautiful.

He could leave and do and be whatever he wanted.

But I couldn't.

I never could.

"Until what?" he asked. "Until what, Bella?"

And for once in my life, I found the strength to say what I needed to say.

"Until you."

His lips covered mine in a kiss, and in it I found everything I never hoped to ask for. He was passion and pain and beauty and hope. He made me hope…for the first time in so long. And he kissed me long and deep and so fucking hard that it hurt. And I didn't care because I could feel it. I could feel him and the pain was nothing...but his kiss was everything.

He was everything.

"Please," he said, pulling away from me too soon. "Please…come with me. Let me…let me…let me take you away from this place…this pain. You don't have to be alone anymore. We can be together, Bella. We can be together…because…because…"

His words were too much and when I looked in his eyes…I saw that they were true. He was telling me the truth. And I felt my tears stream down and for once it wasn't just about pain and loss and fucking regret.

"Because I love you."

And I sat there stunned and overwhelmed at his declaration, unable to believe that it was true.

"You…you do?"

"So much that I don't have words to articulate it."

So much…

So much…

So much…

And I spoke without thinking, but every inch of my body knew it was the truth.

"I love you, too, Edward…I do," I cried. "I love you and I don't care about anything else. I only know that you stayed and you held me. All night long, you held me. And I felt it…felt you. And it was so much…it was…it was everything. You are everything."

It was crazy and impulsive and even though all of it was too fast and none of it made sense…it all made sense to me.

He made sense to me.

It was him.

It was him.

"You love me…you love me…you love me…" he murmured over and over again until I was dizzy with the sound of his voice and the intensity of the moment.

"Please," I whispered, pushing the blanket down that covered me and separated us.

I needed to feel all of him again and it didn't matter that he was cold because he was the only warmth that ever truly broke through. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close. I could feel my breasts press against his hard chest, could hear the sharp intake of his breath that I wasn't even sure he needed.

Please," I whispered again. "Please…take me away from here. Take me somewhere else. Somewhere different. Please…please…please…just take me."

~x~

~x~

~x~

"Get dressed."

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

A/N

Reviews are always love.

Please leave me some.

Thank you to my beta and ficwife, Marvar, who is covered in Kleenex and playing nurse to her sick family. Thank you for loving me…even when the emo talks more than the funny. ILYSFM

Thank you to my prereaders. Caren (Nerac), ltlerthqak and raina. I love you all. I'm sorry I made you cry.

As always, I do not own the characters, but they sure the fuck own me.


	15. Escape

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 14**

I never considered the possibility of finding love…never allowed myself to hope for something so beyond the realm of my own possibility. I had accepted the fact that I was undeserving. I had known – almost from the very beginning of my undying existence – that I would never be enough. I had seen it in their eyes. It didn't matter what they said because words could be fabricated.

Words were just words.

They were nothing.

They _meant _nothing.

Actions spoke louder.

And their actions had been deafening.

~x~

~x~

~x~

She sat there, trembling and crying in my arms…asking me…pleading with me to take her away. To take her somewhere…anywhere else. And I was still reeling. Reeling from her words – her broken confession of love – her love for me. Me, who was just as broken as her. Me, who had nothing to offer. And yet…she still wanted.

_She still wanted me._

_She still needed me._

_She still loved me._

"Get dressed."

The words escaped my lips before I had a moment to contemplate them, wanting nothing more than to give whatever it was that she needed. And what she needed was to leave. What she needed was to not be surrounded by all of the things that made her sad…all of the things that broke her perfect heart and held her captive in a constant state of pain and loss and fucking oppression.

Her body was still naked and warm against me. Her soft and silky skin covering my own. And then she pulled back to look into my eyes – to see if I was offering her the escape that she thought she wanted. And the offer – my words – hung heavy around us until she met my eyes.

And she knew.

I would give her anything.

Silently, she moved, taking her body and her warmth with her. I could still smell our sex all around me. I could still feel the evidence of her climax on my own skin – sticky and slick and almost dry. I could still remember with vivid clarity, the way it felt as she came around my cock…pulling me deeper, clenching and covering me with wet heat that was unlike anything I'd ever known.

And suddenly her distance was too far…too much.

I moved quickly to stand beside her. I watched as she pulled on her pants and tried with shaking hands to button her shirt. Placing my hands over hers, I silently asked her to let me help…to let me do anything at all. She conceded, placing her hands on my biceps while I covered her up. Looking at her breasts one last time, I fought the urge to cup them in my hands or lean in and kiss them again. Her nipples were pink and tight…erect and beautiful. I could see the chill bumps that rose on her white flesh. Even they were beautiful. And after I covered them with the soft flannel of her shirt, I could still see her nipples through the fabric as they contrasted against the soft curve of her breasts.

"Should I…" she asked quietly. "I mean…I don't…I don't know. Should I bring anything with me?"

Her voice was soft and trembling and I wondered if she was reconsidering her request. And as much as it pained me, I needed to give her an option to back out.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to, Bella," I assured her.

She looked into my eyes and I could smell the salt of the tears that were forming.

"I…I want to," she whispered, bringing her hands up to my face. Her fingers were so warm as the caressed me. And even though the pressure was barely anything at all, I could feel the force behind her gesture. "I'm coming with you."

"Pack a bag."

~x~

~x~

~x~

Taking the green backpack from her hands, I slid it over her shoulders before I led her down the stairs. As we stood in the foyer of her house, I turned to her, taking her in my arms and holding her close against me. Her hair was soft and mussed. She didn't pull it back and it hung in soft, wild curls around her face. I could feel the slick texture against my neck…could smell the feminine, clean scent that lingered and combined with the fragrance of the two of us together.

"Are you sure?" I murmured, knowing the answer, but needing to hear her say it one more time.

"I'm sure," she said. "I'm sure of this…of you."

"Then come."

The rain from the night before had all but stopped. Only a light mist remained and I watched with rapt attention as the sheer mist began to seep into the strands of her hair. It was still overcast and a dense fog surrounded us. It felt weighted and heavy…like the burdens that we both carried.

"Are you cold?" I asked her softly, reaching out to button her jacket.

I felt so nervous and unsure, but almost as if she understood what I was I was feeling, she stepped into me and allowed me to take care of her.

"I'm okay," she said, looking at my hands as they made quick work of the buttons.

I wanted her to look at me - to meet my eyes and really see me – in the light of the day, no matter how overcast and clouded it might have been. All of our encounters had been at night, but somehow, standing with her in the day made everything so much more real. So much more important.

"It's so strange," she mused absentmindedly.

"What?"

"This," she said, placing her hand over mine. It was cold and similar to the temperature of my own. For a brief moment, I allowed myself to imagine her like me: unbreakable and eternal, with cherry chocolate eyes that would pierce my heart…my soul if I still had one.

She made me feel like I did.

_Like I could._

"My hand is strange?" I asked.

"No," she said, smiling for a moment before her delicate features fell. "This…you…taking…caring for me."

_Didn't she know that I wanted nothing more?_

"Why would you think that was strange?"

"It's just me," she said. "What I mean is…well…it's just _been_ me. I have always had to fend for myself. It's just been so long since…"

She paused as if she was trying to find the right words, but the words never came.

"It's just your buttons, Bella," I whispered, turning my palm up to meet hers.

"It's not just the buttons," she said. "I mean it is…but it's just everything. It's more. It's you buttoning the buttons. It's just…it's just…I don't know if I can explain it."

"You don't have to," I told her.

I wanted to tell her that I knew…that I understood. That I knew what it was like to be alone, forced to take care of yourself and function in a world where you were alone.

A world where you were lonely.

She shifted from foot to foot in front of me. Her eyes were glancing around as if she were looking for something and not finding it.

"Are we…" she began. "Are we…do we…do we need to take my truck?"

"No," I said, taking her hands and pulling gently. Her fingers felt so small and breakable and once again, I was overcome with the need to care for her – to take care of her. "Come with me…let's take a walk."

She followed without question and her simple trust in me was unnerving – even still after everything we had been through. As we got closer to the woods on the edge of her yard, I felt her stumble and stop as her heartbeat stuttered and then accelerated. Steadying her with my arms, I asked her, "Do you trust me?"

As if trying to prove a point, she said nothing and walked ahead, leading me this time into the darkened and moss-covered shelter of the woods. And just like her…I followed.

No words were spoken as we slowly made our way in deeper. I listened to the sound her still-elevated heart and the uneven cadence of her steps. I held onto her, not wanting her to fall and once I knew we were free from the possible prying eyes of her neighbors, I stilled us both.

"Why are we stopping?" she asked.

"I'm taking you from here?"

"What do you mean?" she asked. "I can walk."

"I know you can," I told her. "But it's a long way and it will be faster if I carry you."

"Carry me?" she asked, confusion evident on her face.

There was still so much that she didn't understand.

"Yes."

"Like in your arms?"

The need to pull her close again consumed me. It was almost as if I was afraid at any moment, it would all come crashing down on her.

"If you want me to carry you in my arms, I would," I told her, stepping in and touching her because I had to. Her cheek was warm and as my fingers dipped lower to her neck – just below her ear – I could feel the steady, pulsing beat of her blood. "But I was thinking that I could carry you on my back."

Her eyes widened for just the merest hint of a moment, but then she leaned into me…my hand. Turning her face, she kissed my wrist once and then moved her mouth up to the center of my palm. Her breath was hot fire and it tickled and licked – the sensation all but causing me to come undone. Finally, she covered my flesh with her mouth, searing me as her tongue pressed against the crevice of my lifeline.

"This is really…real," she murmured against my hand. "You…you're…you're really real."

"I am."

"Where are you taking me?" she asked.

"Does it matter?"

Biting down on her lip, she looked up at me and said, "No, but…"

"Do you really trust me, Bella?" I asked her again, not allowing her a moment of indecision.

She answered softly…quickly.

"Yes. I do."

"Then, please," I whispered. My voice – even though it was low – sounded loud in the quiet of the woods. "Please…just come with me. Let me take you."

"Okay."

I crouched down before her, allowing her to crawl onto my back. She was a wisp of nothing as her weight settled against me. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and I steadied her as my hands splayed underneath her thighs. I could feel her heart beating wildly against my back and I knew that she was nervous.

"Close your eyes," I whispered. "It might make it easier."

She laid her head against my shoulder and I could feel her breath, warm and wet against my neck. Her hair hung across my chest and I knew that I never wanted to let her go. I wanted to carry her and keep her with me forever.

"Are your eyes closed?" I asked.

She only nodded her answer.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes."

And with that…I was running.

Everything fell away until there was nothing. Nothing but the feel of the cool air against my face. Nothing but the beautiful, human woman wrapped around me.

I don't know if there are words to describe the way it felt to navigate the woods as I held her against me. It was silent except for the rushing of wind in my ears. The greens and browns and greys all blending and they silently slipped past. The trees were barren…dead. But Bella was life. Bella was everything that was living and breathing and red blood coursing as it raced through her veins. And still, her blood did not call to me. It only sang to me – a sweet, sweet song – letting me know that she was here.

That she was real.

That she was everything.

Bella clung to me. I could feel her fingers clutching the fabric of my shirt and I could tell the moment she opened her eyes because her heart slammed against my back and she gasped loudly. I slowed down immediately, not wanting to frighten her.

"Don't," she whispered. "Don't stop."

I could still feel her pounding heart, so I softly squeezed the backs of her thighs, trying to show her that I would never want to scare or hurt her.

"Are you sure?"

"Just go, Edward," she said. "Please…run."

And so, I did. I ran with her. I ran the same way I would have run if she hadn't been with me. It was easy because her weight was so insignificant. But the weight of what was happening – what she was allowing to happen – covered me until I was completely saturated and dripping in her embrace and her trust.

_Why the fuck did she trust me so much?_

We had been running for about five minutes when she whispered in my ear, "You're so fast."

"And you're still not scared?" I asked.

"Not of this…not of you."

"Bella," I whispered her name and wondered if she could hear me. If she could, she made no acknowledgement.

I felt her warm hand dip below the collar of my shirt. Her palm pressed against my chest as her fingers rubbed and stroked me softly at first…and then more insistently. I could feel the evening of her heartbeat and the slow, steady way that she was breathing as it covered my neck. And never – not ever – had I experienced anything like it in my life.

I pressed on, wanting to get her to our destination as quickly as possible. But my entire world stilled when I felt her hot, wet tongue against my neck. She kissed and licked me softly. Opening her mouth and breathing me in…tasting my skin. It was sexy. It was erotic. It was my undoing in the moment.

"What are you doing?" I managed to ask.

Her hands were still dipped below the fabric of my shirt and stroking me. Harder now than before. Her legs wrapped around me tighter. My hands slipped back further until I was cupping her ass…perfect and round and soft as I held it. I could feel the heat from her pussy as it emanated through the thick fabric of her jeans. It was hot against my back…and fuck, I could smell her. All around me. Taste it in the air I was breathing.

"Go," she urged me. "Please."

And even though I wanted nothing more than to take her and fuck her on the cold, wet ground of the woods – I pressed forward.

Hard to keep going.

Soft as she touched me.

Wet as she licked me.

Warm as she wrapped herself around me.

It was too much, but I knew that I would give her anything.

Anything at all.

So, I kept running.

"Are you cold?" she whispered in my ear.

"No," I told her. "I never get cold. And you feel like fire."

"Edward," she whimpered my name in a sound that was so filled with need and want and a desire that matched my own. "Please."

"What?" I groaned. "Please…just tell me what you want, Bella."

She whimpered against my neck again causing me to growl. I stilled completely, wondering if the feral sound frightened her. And then I felt it – her teeth pressing against the stone of my skin. It was nothing, barely a shadow of a whisper…but I felt the need and desperation there. Animalistic…just like me.

"I just want…I just…I just…"

I could hear the frustration in her voice, the need she had to try to explain, but she couldn't. Her hands were still touching me, soft and hard…clinging with want. I could feel the fabric pulling and stretching. I could feel her nails trying to dig into my skin. I reacted reflexively, squeezing her soft flesh in my hands, wanting her to know that it was the same for me.

I wanted her just the same.

I wanted her even more.

Her little whimpers and moans grew louder in my ear until they were all that I could hear. My body felt alive from the run – but even more from the woman I loved reacting to me in that way.

I could smell her desire.

It blended perfectly with the wet, earthy fragrance of the woods.

I could taste her arousal and I breathed in, reveling in the knowledge that she wanted me. _She really fucking wanted me_. I still couldn't believe it. Even then …after everything that happened and everything she had shown me. And though I could have kept running, I stopped. I stopped because I needed to feel her...all of her. More than the backs of her legs and the womanly swell of her hips.

I needed all of her.

Her trembling hands gripped me tighter as I stopped. Carefully, I lowered myself, allowing her to slip from my body. I didn't allow myself time to miss her touch, turning around quickly and taking her into my arms.

"What are you doing to me?" I asked. My voice was rough and low even to my own ears. "Do you know? Do you have any idea what you're doing to me?"

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

Her eyes were wide and her voice was small and breathless.

"No," I told her. "That's not…that's not what I mean. I just…it's your touch, Bella. Your touch and your voice and the way your body is reacting."

"You're so strong," she said. "So strong and so fast…and I've never…nothing has ever felt like that before. And I just…it made…"

Her voice trailed off and her pink cheeks grew darker, flushed with her desire or embarrassment. As if she had anything to be embarrassed of.

"What?"

"The way you held me," she continued. "I should have been scared, but I wasn't. It was exciting, but I felt safe. You…it…"

"What?" I urged her once more.

Her eyes fell to my lips. I licked them, feeling the venom pool in my mouth like water.

_I wanted her._

_So much._

And then she looked up, into my eyes again and she whispered so fucking softly.

"It…it turned me on."

"Bella," I groaned, covering her soft lips with my own.

I sucked on her bottom lip, careful not to graze her skin with my teeth and fighting my own desire to consume her…to devour her.

Every inch.

Every part.

She breathed into my mouth, her tongue slipping out and licking me as she sucked. The sounds coming from her were enough to make fall to my knees – to bring her with me and taste and fuck and love her all over again.

She kissed me harder and took all of my strength not to do it, but we were so close to where I wanted to take her. And I could wait…she deserved better than that. But she pushed further…more. She wanted more. Her hands reached under my shirt and I could feel the edge of her nails dragging against my skin.

I pulled away from her mouth, gasping for air I didn't need. Burying my head into her neck I begged her, "Please, Bella…please…not here. We're so close."

"But I want you here," she practically cried. "I want you now. Right here. Why not here?"

"It's cold," I told her. "And you…you deserve better. You deserve more than this."

_More than me._

"I don't want more than you!" she yelled, and I realized that I'd said that out loud. What was it about this woman that made me lose all my thoughts and senses? "How can you still think that?"

Her hands jerked away and I ached from the loss of the warmth from her touch. But as soon as it was taken from me, it was back pulling at my shirt with a force I'd never seen from her. My shirt ripped under her fingers, her knuckles white from her clenched fists. I could see the buttons as they scattered on the ground around us. Her eyes were wide and wild. Her hair – tangled from the run – blew is soft wisps around her face.

Her passion was evident.

Her beauty was undeniable.

I had to have her.

Looking down, I could see my bare chest – the evidence of just how much she wanted me. And I wanted her the same way. I knew we were isolated and that no one was around to hear or see us, but still…

"It's cold," I whispered, fighting hard to control my voice.

"You're cold," she responded, not missing a beat.

"You want this?" I asked. "Here? Now?"

"Yes…I want you," she said, running her hands along my bare chest. "I want you here. I don't want to wait. Not when I feel like I've waited for you so long."

She pushed the shirt from my shoulders and I allowed it…loving the way her hands felt on my shoulders. I saw the garment float to the ground, landing silently. I leaned in a kissed her again. Fiercely…deeply. I savored her taste as I slowly unbuttoned the same buttons I had taken such care with earlier. I heard her breathing hitch; I felt her heartbeat speed. And as I removed her jacket and her top, I pulled back to look at her – unashamed, absolutely enamored and completely in love.

I was in love with her.

Her flesh was delicate and pale in the shaded morning light. I could see the little bumps that rose up on her skin…could see the puckered and rosy tips of her nipples and they stood out from her perfect breasts.

_Distended._

_Erect._

_And waiting for me suck._

Not waiting anymore, we pushed and pulled and kicked until finally…amazingly…we stood before each other completely naked. There was nothing between us but the air and space we'd allowed. And as I looked at her heaving chest and my eyes followed up to her full, perfect lips…the space between us vanished.

I took her in my arms, forgetting momentarily just how fragile she really was. If she was scared she never showed it. She only clung to me furiously, kissing and licking my neck and wrapping her legs around my waist. I could feel her wet heat as it pressed against my stomach. She writhed against me, moaning my name and telling me – more with her actions than words – just how much she wanted and needed our connection.

How much she needed me.

"It's the same for me," I told her. "Don't you know how much I want you? How fucking much I need this?"

"I don't know anything anymore," she told me. "I only know what I feel."

"And what do you feel?" I asked her gruffly, pressing her pussy down against my erection. She felt so good…so hot and slick…so wet and ready for me to take her again.

And I would.

"I feel you," she told me.

I walked us to a tree to the side of the path and I pushed her up against it. She gasped my name and fisted her hands in my hair. Her eyes never once betrayed her desire and she kept them open even as I kissed her roughly. She tasted like honey covered lilac soaked in rain water and I licked her tongue and lips as if they fed my body and soul. And on some level, I knew they did.

_She did._

"Please," she cried.

Lowering my head, I took her breast into my mouth, sucking her as softly as my need would allow me. I wanted her desperately – so much that I almost missed the look of pain that crossed her beautiful face as I pushed her against the rough wood of the tree.

"I'm so fucking sorry," I rasped, pulling back and cradling her in my arms. "I never meant to hurt you. I would never hurt you. It's just…I just need you so fucking much. Please, Bella…please…just wait until we get there. We'll be there so soon."

"Please don't," she said, almost panicked. Her eyes were wet and wide as she shivered in my arms. "Please…here…now. I'm okay. You didn't hurt me. And I need you. _So much_."

"I need you, too."

I kissed her again, careful as I lowered her to the ground. She refused to let go of me, whimpering into my mouth as her arms clutched me tightly. I reached my hand down between her legs, needed to show her that I wasn't telling her no – that there was nothing I wouldn't give her if she asked.

_Even this._

She parted her legs, allowing me access to her secret, beautiful place. And heat seared and covered my fingers as they stroked and explored her wet, outer lips. She was dripping and I wanted to lap up every single drop. I wanted to taste the evidence of how I made her feel. I wanted to lick the moisture from her thighs – knowing that it was me who made her body react this way.

I wanted to so fucking much.

But it was cold…and there wasn't enough time.

"Tell me you want it," I whispered, as I flicked her clit with my thumb and rubbed her in small tight circles. "Tell me again."

"I want it."

I slipped my middle finger just inside her hot, tight opening. I felt my finger penetrate her as I began to push it in and out, preparing her for me. I felt her knees tremble and I steadied her, so she wouldn't fall.

"Not enough," I whispered, kissing her as hard as I could without losing control. "Tell me _what_ you want."

"I want you," she said, he head falling onto my shoulder. I could hear her panting…I could feel the heat of her breath on my neck. "I want you…your cock…I want it inside me, Edward. _You belong inside me_."

I almost came from her words and I allowed myself a moment to imagine the way it would look if I spilled out onto her stomach. How erotic and sexy it would be to see her skin covered in the milky white fluid from my body…from my cock.

"You belong inside me," she repeated, her beautiful, low voice pulling me from my fantasy. "You belong with me."

And her words were too perfect and too beautiful.

And they were the fucking truth.

"Turn around."

She did as she was told without question and as my fingers slipped from her, I quickly bright them to my lips – licking and sucking and tasting on my skin what I would taste from her pussy later.

_She was fucking divine._

I placed one arm around her belly, holding her tightly against me while my other hand stroked and rubbed her back. There were a couple of scratches from the bark and I reverently kissed where I'd caused her pain…thankful that there was no blood.

Running my hands along her sides, I lifted her arms, taking her hands and placing them on a low branch above us. I could feel her body shaking from the cold…or from her need. I couldn't tell, but we were both too far gone to stop.

_I could make it quick. _

_I could make her feel good._

_I could make her scream my name._

"Hold onto this tight," I whispered in her ear and she nodded her head in agreement. "And bend over."

I looked at her naked and open and ready for me. I could see the swell of her breasts from the side. I admired the perfect angles of her beautiful body bent before me…offering herself to me so completely. She looked so vulnerable, yet she was so powerful in her position.

And I was amazed.

Lowering myself, I aligned my cock to her opening. I rubbed it along the length of her pussy, feeling the slippery heat as it coated and covered me. And with her name on my lips, I pushed into her, filling her completely.

She was so fucking tight.

She felt so fucking good.

She cried out my name as I thrust in and out. I kept a steady pace, not wanting to tease her…there would be time for that later. I wanted to make her come. I wanted to give her what she wanted. I wanted to be everything that that she needed. And in that moment, she needed me.

But I needed her more.

It wasn't long before I felt her entire body trembling. I felt the tightening of her belly. I heard the erratic and shaking breaths that she took. I held her closer, lifting her body up with my hands until her feet were no longer touching the ground.

"Don't let go," I rasped.

"I won't," she cried out her promise.

And then I fucked her…sweetly…thoroughly.

When I knew she was on the edge, I buried my face in her neck and whispered into her ear, "Can you come for me, Bella? Can you come all over my cock?"

She moaned my name and her whimpers and cries filled the quiet space of the woods. I could feel the moment her body tipped over the edge...and as she screamed my name, I toppled over with her.

Telling her I loved her.

And never wanting to let her go.

~x~

~x~

~x~

The rest of the walk was quiet. Bella held me tightly, as I carried her the rest of the way. Her body had warmed, but I knew I needed to get her inside soon. We were almost there when she finally spoke again.

"Where are we going?"

Looking down at her, I told her. There was no need for secrecy anymore.

"We are going to my house."

She looked at me, surprised.

"You have a house?"

"It's nothing special," I told her. It was the truth. She was the first special thing to ever happen to me. Ever. "But it's secluded and quiet and I thought it might be a good place for you to get away.

She just nodded her head laying it back down on my shoulder. I held her tightly kissing her hair and shoulder on occasion as we walked. When we approached the house, I lowered her gently to the ground. I looked at her and wondered if I could really be what she needed. And an irrational moment of fear possessed me.

"Please…just say it again." I asked, hoping she knew what I meant. I didn't care how needy it made me sound. I was needy…desperate. I needed her. So much.

"I love you," she whispered. "I'm in love with you, Edward. Nothing else matters."

"I love you, too."

~x~

~x~

~x~

We walked into the house and I immediately went to the fireplace to start a fire. It would be the quickest way for her to warm up after we took a shower. It was just as I struck the match, that I heard him.

His thoughts were clouded…shielded.

Stepping forward from a dark corner of the room, he made his presence known.

I flew to Bella, taking her in my arms.

She froze. I felt every muscle and tendon tighten with fear and anxiety. I immediately took a protective stance. I knew the man before me...and the man I knew wouldn't hurt her. But there was something different about him now.

_Something harder._

_Something bitter._

"Edward," he drew my name out in a sneer. "I told you that I'd find you."

He looked down to the woman in my arms. I gripped her tighter, uncomfortable under his obvious scrutiny. I searched his eyes, relieved to find them glowing amber.

"Bella," he continued. "I see you've met my friend."

He chuckled darkly. The sound was smooth and controlled. He was always fucking controlled. But there was something underneath the sound. Something maniacal...something that scared me.

I could hear his thoughts. His disgust for what I'd allowed to happen. He knew what we'd done. He could smell the remains of our sex that lingered on our skin. And even though he knew...I could feel no shame or apology.

He didn't know.

He couldn't possibly understand.

"She's _a human, Edward," _his thoughts crystallizing. "_You know what will happen. You know what you've done._"

"She knows, Jasper," I said.

"What does she know?" he asked, angry and indignant.

"She knows everything."

I could feel Bella trembling in my arms. And for as much as I thought she'd been scared in my presence...the beat of her heart and the pulsing rush of her blood told me what she had told me all along. She was never truly scared of me.

But she was terrified now.

"Everything?"

"Yes," I told him. "Everything."

He stared at me, challenging and stoic.

"_You're a fucking liar, Edward. And I told you. You can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to me. I know why you're here._"

His mind spoke directly, his eyes never leaving mine. And then, his eyes shifted to the woman in my arms.

The woman that I loved.

And the need I felt to protect her covered and consumed me as I stood, prepared to destroy him if he attempted to harm her.

"Tell me, Bella," he drawled with his particular shade of charm. "Did he tell you about Carlisle?"

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

Thanks and love to Marvar, my goddess and beta-divine. I will never love watching Twilight with anyone as much as I love watching it with you. Thanks for being honest. Always.

To my pre-reading girls…I love and adore you all. You know who you are.

Thank for your patience and for everyone's well-wishes while I was sick. I'm all better now. Ridiculously expensive antibiotics and massive amounts of Robp0rn will do that for you.


	16. Revelation

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 15**

I stood there looking at the man before me – he was familiar. I remembered him from the bar the night before.

_Had it only been last night?_

He was beautiful like Edward – not as beautiful as Edward – but still other-worldly and flawless in his features. His eyes were callous as they took me in. His southern voice was hard and sweet like rock candy.

And he was frightening.

I could feel Edward's arms around me, supporting me. My body was still cold from the outside and my legs were still weak from what had taken place in the woods. I shivered as I remembered the way he'd taken me there against the tree. I'd never done anything like that in my life, but then again, I'd never stood in a room with two vampires before either. And even in the midst of what was truly, a scary situation…I couldn't regret any of it.

I couldn't regret Edward.

It didn't matter what he was.

And I realized – standing there – it never had.

I leaned further into him; I could feel his grasp tighten. And for some reason, the protective way he held me made me feel like I would be okay. Like he wouldn't let anyone hurt me. And so, I spoke…

"You must be Jasper," I said as calmly as I could. I was surprised by the even tone of my voice. "I'd say it's nice to meet you, but we've already done that."

He chuckled darkly.

"So, you do remember me, Bella?" he asked.

"You stood out," I said honestly.

His eyes shifted to Edward's for a brief moment. It felt like he was silently saying something and then I remembered…Edward could read minds. He could hear thoughts. I wondered what Jasper was thinking…what he was saying. He looked back down at me and smiled before speaking, "And how do you know my name, Bella? I never told you my name."

"Alice…"

_Alice._

Alice hadn't said his name to me, but Edward had. And I didn't think I should tell him that. My mind rushed with the thought of Alice alone with him. I thought of her voice on the phone – the way she sounded so sad and upset. And I needed to know what he had done to her. Had he hurt her in any way? Even though I knew he was like Edward…something told me that he wasn't _like_ Edward at all. Alice was so sweet and so trusting…and my mind kept going back to her voice.

Quiet and hollow.

Sad and haunted.

Nothing like her at all.

"Alice spoke to you?" he asked, and for the first time, his voice faltered. "What did she say?"

_Nothing._

_She told me nothing._

_But that was none of his fucking business._

"I don't think what she said to me is any of your business," I said.

Edward pulled me closer. I could feel his hand press against my stomach as his fingers tightly gripped the fabric of my shirt.

"Bella," he whispered. "Don't."

"Yes, Bella," Jasper said slowly…deliberately. "I think you should listen to him. You wouldn't want to upset me…further."

I heard Edward growl behind me. It was deep rumble and I could feel it against my back as it resonated in his chest. Jasper's eyes held mine and then his lips curved up into a smile…if you could call it that. I was more like a sneer.

And even though Edward was holding me, something about the look in his eyes really and truly scared me. I was scared…and I was with Edward. He had been with Alice alone. There had been no one there to protect her.

"What did you do to her?" I asked, without thinking.

And then it struck me that this was Edward's world. This was what he'd been talking about. Were these the kinds of people he was surrounded by?

"Believe me, Bella," he said calmly. Too calmly. "I did less to her than Edward has done to you. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that I was far more careful with _your_ friend's life that _my_ friend has been with yours."

"Enough!" Edward yelled from behind me. I jumped in his arms, scared from the sound of his voice. He had never seemed so threatening. "That is enough, Jasper."

Jasper didn't back down. He squared his shoulders and he looked Edward in the eye. They weren't speaking and I knew that he was talking to him through his thoughts. I felt my body begin to tremble and Edward must have felt it, too.

His hands reached down, grabbed mine and brought them back up against my stomach. His posture remained rigid and guarded. And while it made me feel somewhat safe, it also alerted me to the possibility that Edward didn't entirely feel like I was. I watched as Jasper took notice. I saw his eyes narrow as Edward's fingers twined with mine.

And then he looked directly at me.

"Tell me, Bella," he said lowly, bitterly. "Did it feel good to fuck a vampire?"

I gasped at his words, but he continued.

"Was it thrilling to know that one wrong move…just the slightest loss of control could have killed you? Or didn't he tell you that?"

"I would _never_ hurt her."

"I've never done it," Jasper continued. "I've never fucked a human. It's too dangerous. I'll bet you were hot…I'll bet you were scorching. _I'll bet_ that you felt so good, there were moments he thought he wouldn't be able to control himself. Tell me…do you have bruises?"

Before I could understand what was happening, I was lifted in the air and placed behind Edward. The whole moment took less than a second. I wasn't even sure what had happened. I stood there dizzy, on shaking legs, my fingers fighting to grab onto him so I could steady myself.

"Get out," Edward growled. "Get the fuck out of my house!"

"She's a human, Edward," he said. "She's fucking human and you know what you've done."

"You don't know anything about her," Edward yelled. "_You know nothing_."

"I know enough," he said. "I know why you're here."

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, Jasper!"

Their voices were so loud and I couldn't see clearly. I realized that I was crying – crying and shaking and not understanding anything. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. They were speaking – I knew they were – but I couldn't hear them. Not really. I was so lost inside my own mind, trying to get a grasp on what was actually taking place.

"You said she knew _everything_," Jasper continued. "Does she know what you've done? Does she know what will happen to her…what will happen to you?"

"I will take care of that," Edward said and I wondered what he meant by his statement.

"You would do that?" Jasper asked and I looked up at his words. He stood there, frozen, his eyes narrowed and his expression disbelieving. "Even after everything you went through? I don't believe you, Edward."

"This would be different," Edward said. "This…this _is_ different. _She is different_."

"So different that you would risk her life…and yours?"

I couldn't understand what he was talking about. Edward had been so caring…so gentle. And he tried to tell me no. _It was me_. I was the one who pushed him last night. He tried to tell me that I deserved better than him. He thought he was a monster.

He wasn't a monster.

With the exception of waking up to find him in my room, I had never once been afraid of him. And maybe I should have been. But thinking back to the little time we'd spent together – been together – there was still no fear. I had never once thought that he would hurt me. I had never once felt anything other than passion and need and protection as he held me.

He fucking held me all night long while I cried in my sleep.

He made me feel safe enough to go to that place in my mind where I had always been too afraid to visit. Too consumed with my own grief to ever allow myself to heal. And while I was still broken, for the first time since I lost them, I felt like I had a reason to live. Not just exist – but fucking live!

_And Edward did that._

_He made me feel that_.

Edward turned to me then, cupping my face in his hands as he looked into my eyes. His thumbs wiped my tears and the chill of his touch soothed my face. And for a moment, nothing else mattered. Everything else disappeared and it was just me and him….and I felt like I could breathe again. Like I was centered again.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I shouldn't have brought you here."

And my entire body froze at his words. Was he regretting this? Regretting me? I couldn't deal with that thought. Not after everything. Not after the way we'd made love…not after the connection we'd shared together.

And not fucking after he promised he'd never leave.

"Stop," I said. It came out much weaker than I wanted. "Don't do this. You told me you wouldn't leave."

My mind raced with the thought of him leaving. And it ripped against my chest and tore into my heart with a force I couldn't handle. I wouldn't survive it.

"I'm…" he started, but Jasper interrupted.

"Edward can't make that promise, Bella," he said. "The only thing Edward understands is running. He's been doing it for as long as I've known him."

As Jasper spoke, Edward's eyes held mine. And it was almost as if I could hear him speaking – hear his whispered words.

_Never…_

_Never…_

_Never…_

But that was just my own mind clinging to the promise he'd made.

The promise I still needed him to keep.

He bent down slowly and kissed my lips softly, whispering that he was sorry. It was just a moment and then he was gone – his touched pulled from me as if it was never really there.

Everything happened quickly then – too quickly. Before my eyes could register what was happening, Edward had Jasper pushed up against the wall. His hand was around his throat and I couldn't see his eyes, but I could see Jasper's. They were wide but not scared, defiant but not threatening.

"You will _never_ talk to her about me again," Edward said, "or I will fucking kill you."

Nothing more was said as they stood there, unmoving. I could see the rigid set of Jasper's jaw and I wondered what he was thinking.

I wondered what Edward was thinking.

"You would do that?" Jasper finally said. "After everything I did for you? For what? For her?"

"Get out," Edward said, his voice tight and controlled. "Get out now."

Edward lowered his hands and stepped back. His eyes shot to me for a moment – barely a second – and then they turned back to Jasper, who was slowly retreating.

"You're lying to yourself," he said as he approached the door. "And for as protective as you are of her…you're lying to her, too. I know she doesn't know _everything_. And I'm sure she doesn't know about Carlisle. Tell her, Edward. And while you're at it…tell her about 5586 Birkshire. I'm sure that she'd love to know that _she_ isn't the only thing keeping you here."

And with that…he was gone.

~x~

~x~

~x~

Edward flew across the space between us and I was in his arms before I could take a deep breath. He picked me up and held me against him, kissing my cheeks and holding me close.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't know he was here. I should have…I should have known. I should have protected you."

I was so overwhelmed, shaky and confused, but more than that – more than anything – I was so relieved to be in his arms. To feel his strength and his lips as they kissed me. He was still here…holding me.

He still wanted me.

And it felt like he wasn't leaving.

_He couldn't leave me._

"You did," I whispered. "You _did_ protect me."

"But I should have known he could find me here," he continued. "He always knows where to find me. We always know where to find each other. It's always been that way."

"Why?" I asked, not really knowing what I was expecting him to say.

"This life can be very…isolating," he said. "Friends are few and far between. And Jasper is…Jasper has been my friend."

I buried my head into his neck, breathing him in and knowing I should be upset about what had just transpired, but also knowing that I couldn't feel anything other than happy that I was still in his arms, breathing his scent. It was fucked up…but somehow, it was still right.

"My friends and I don't threaten to kill each other," I said weakly.

"No," he said softly. "Your friend just wants to fuck you."

I lifted my eyes to look at him, shocked at his words.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said. "I shouldn't have said that…but it's true."

I knew it was true. I had known about Jacob's feelings for me for a long time. It was just so strange to hear someone else say it out loud.

"My point is," he continued. "Sometimes we allow things because we connected to another person."

I nodded my head in agreement, knowing what he said was true. As much as I hated the fact that Jacob was in love with me…I knew I only hated it because I never felt the same way. I could never cut him out of my life. He was like my brother…my blood. He had always, always been there. I couldn't help but wonder what had happened between Jasper and Edward that had connected them so much.

"How…how are you so connected to him?" I asked.

"You're shivering," he said. "You're cold. You need to take a shower, so that you can warm up."

"Don't," I whispered. "Don't do that. Don't pull away from me."

He couldn't. Not then. Not when I had shared so much. Not when I had opened myself to him…laid bare and showing him all the deepest, darkest parts of me.

"I'm not," he said, kissing me again. "I promise, Bella. I will tell you everything. But you need to get warm. I won't be able to talk…to tell you everything if I'm worried about you."

"I'm fine," I insisted.

"You're not. You're shaking in my arms. Please…just take a shower."

I looked into his eyes and I could tell that he was telling the truth…or at least that he wanted to. But I couldn't stand the thought of being separated from him…even for a moment, so I asked, "Will you come with me? I mean…will you shower with me?"

There was something in his eyes at that moment that I couldn't quite read – something hidden and deep. And I wanted more than anything to know what he was thinking…about me…about him and his life. What made him who he was? I didn't want to just love him and need him.

I wanted to understand him.

"I will," he said. "But first, I need to build a fire."

~x~

~x~

~x~

I took off my clothes in his bathroom while I allowed the water to warm up. It was a fairly large space. The house – though secluded – was new and somewhat modern in its rustic design. It was clean and new…and completely unlived in. There was nothing there that pointed to any signs of life.

But Edward was alive.

Even if he wasn't.

Technically.

And I felt saddened by the thought of him being here alone. And then I thought about my own life…my own space. The same could be said of me. I lived alone in a house. And while it was lived in, there was so much of it blocked off. So much of it that I couldn't bring myself to deal with.

_Their room…_

_Their things…_

_Even their memory…_

All of it was too painful.

I stepped into the large glass shower. The warm, wet smell of nothing filled my lungs as I breathed in deeply. I stood under the hot spray of the water and felt the pressure as it fell in cascades down my body.

I was sore and tired and cold. My body tingled as the heat covered me completely, warming me up.

And then…I felt him.

He stepped behind me, wrapping me up inside his arms. His hands glided over my body, touching me…caressing me…loving me as they explored. It was such an intense and amazing feeling – the duality of the heat and the cold from his body. But then I could feel as the water temperature began to warm him as well. He still wasn't as warm as me…but he was warmer.

He felt like warmth.

Safety.

Longing.

And love.

His hands ran down my sides…my legs. Without thinking, I parted my legs as he brought his hands back up along the inside of my thighs. I was tender…sore. But it didn't matter because I knew that my pain was merely evidence of what had taken place between us.

He never touched my pussy…only stroking and rubbing the swollen and tender parts surrounding it. And I let him touch me, not wanting him to stop…just needing _him_ more than anything.

_More than ever._

"He was right," he whispered.

"Who?"

"Jasper," he said. "You're bruised."

"It doesn't matter," I told him.

_Because it didn't. _

_That was the truth._

"Are you hurting?" he asked. "Did I…did I hurt you?"

I turned around in his arms, so I could see his face. My breath caught in my throat when I looked at him…wet and completely naked. He was so fucking beautiful. And he was still here with me. And a fucking bruise wasn't going to change that.

"No…you didn't hurt me, Edward. We had sex…I asked you to do it. I _wanted_ you to do it. And it was…it was wonderful. It doesn't matter that I have bruises. This," I said placing my palm on his chest, "this…is the only thing that matters."

"I know," he said, almost as if he were admitting it to himself more than me.

I pressed up on my toes and kissed him on the cheek.

"That's all," I whispered. "That's all."

"How are you so calm?" he asked. "After everything you know…what I am…what Jasper said?"

"I'm not," I said. "I fell apart out there."

He picked up a bar of soap. It was white and basic…simple like our surroundings. He held it under the water and lathered his hands before he began washing me. It smelled soft and clean like linen. I breathed in deeply as the fragrance enveloped us both…trying to allow myself a quiet moment to just _be_ there with him.

"I'm sorry, Bella."

"Stop that," I told him. "I mean it. My point is…it doesn't matter, Edward. I can't lie and tell you that I wasn't scared…because I was. It just doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything."

He looked at me skeptically and I pushed back my frustration that he could _still_ question our connection…my feelings.

He was scared.

And I knew – more than anyone – what being scared felt like.

"You can tell me anything," I told him. "Anything."

_I know._

_I believe you._

His eyes spoke so clearly…that I could swear I heard his voice.

He knew.

He believed me.

_Finally._

~x~

~x~

~x~

After the shower, I dressed in a pair of flannel pants and a soft, cotton tee-shirt from my bag. I walked out to the living room to find him sitting on the couch waiting for me in front of the fire. I was nervous, for some reason I couldn't understand…but I walked quietly over to him. His eyes were on me the whole time.

Searching.

Wanting.

Needing.

I sat down beside him, but he quickly pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me. There was something about his proximity that silenced my momentary fear.

"How old are you?" I asked, after several silent moments passed.

"Twenty-six."

His voice was soft…awkward and embarrassed.

"How…how long have you been twenty-six?"

He lifted my hand, bringing my wrist to his nose, breathing in deeply and then opening his darkened eyes to me.

"Bella," he whispered, breathing in again. "I've been twenty-six for sixty-six years."

_Sixty-six years?_

My mind raced with the thought of that amount of time. I couldn't fathom sixty-six years…and the fact that he's been twenty-six for that length of time. I tried to work out the math quickly in my mind. That made him…

"I'm ninety-two, Bella."

His eyes fell and he looked at our hands together in his lap.

"Wow."

"It's too much, isn't it?" he said. "All of this…everything…me."

"No," I told him, turning in his arms and crawling into his lap. "It wouldn't matter if you were a hundred and ninety-two. What do I have to do to make you understand that? How can you not see it? It's _right_ here, Edward. _I'm still right here_."

Wrapping my arms and legs around him completely, I placed my head on his chest and asked him to talk to me. He stroked my damp hair that hung down my back for a while and with a sigh, he began to talk.

"I was a soldier in the army in World War II. I was young, but not as young as most of the men I fought with. I had a family at home, but no wife…no one to really call my own. The memories of my human life are hazy, but I remember that. I was consumed with the war…with fighting for my country."

He chuckled darkly and I placed a kiss on his neck, encouraging him to continue. It was strange to think of him fighting in a war…fighting in a war sixty-six years ago.

"I was on leave when I got sick. I'd been drinking…a lot. And I wasn't keeping the best…_company_."

I pulled back to look at him. His eyes were even darker than before. I wondered what that meant – if it meant anything at all.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I was alone, Bella…but I was never lonely. And whenever I was on leave…there was always _someone_ to distract me from the pressures of my life…my occupation. I met a woman at a bar. It's really sad…I'm pretty sure I didn't even really know her name. But we were together…"

His voice trailed off as if he were remembering…or as if he were trying to remember and couldn't. I waited for him to continue – not wanting to push him – but wanting and needing so much to know what he had been through. How this had happened to him.

"Anyway…I think she was sick. Because at the end…I remember being _so_ sick. I don't remember much after that. I think I blacked out in an alley behind a bar. I think…but I don't know. Somehow…someone got me to a hospital. I was delirious...or drunk…or both. But there was a man…a doctor. He tried to help me. He tried…but nothing could be done. I remember lying in the bed and knowing that I was going to die alone. And I was so cold, Bella. I couldn't get warm…"

His body was rigid as it held me. I could feel him tense and not breathing. The entire room was silent…just the sound of my own breath. I held onto him…wanting so much to provide him comfort for what he'd just shared.

"Do you know…" he whispered. "Do you know that you are the first warmth I've had in my life since then? That you're the first person to hold me? The first person to…"

I looked in his eyes – wide and sincere and completely vulnerable.

"What?" I whispered. "Edward…what?"

"The first person to…love me?"

I felt hot tears spill down my cheeks at the thought of him – alone and scared and so sick that he was dying. And even more, that he felt as if he'd never felt the love of another person.

As if they were acting on their own, my arms wrapped around his shoulders with such force that it actually hurt me. But I didn't care. I couldn't care, when my pain – _my physical pain_ – was nothing compared to the pain he'd suffered.

And he let me hold him. His arms pulled me tighter and we sat there for the longest time…just holding onto the only person in the world that mattered.

_He mattered to me._

_I mattered to him._

I didn't pull away, but when the tears subsided, I finally spoke.

"I do, Edward…I love you."

"I know," he whispered. "I feel it."

~x~

~x~

~x~

We didn't speak anymore for a while. We both sat there, unmoving and listening to gentle crackling of the fire. There was so much I still didn't know, but I also didn't feel rushed to know it. I knew he would tell me in his own time. More importantly…I knew he wasn't hiding it.

He wasn't hiding anything.

And then I remembered something Jasper said…and I had to ask.

"Who is Carlisle?"

He took in a deep breath, but I waited for him to speak. I held his hand and stroked his palm, trying to soothe him and wanting him to still know that whatever he said wouldn't matter.

"Carlisle is my maker," he said quietly. "He's the one who changed me."

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

Marvar, at some point, words will no longer be enough to thank you for everything. So, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to suck and fondle your boobs or something. Truly, though…I adore you and you make my writing better.

Thanks to the usual suspects. I adore you guys so much!

So, I posted again. And it's only been a week! Thank you for reading and for the massive love from last chapter. Really, it was overwehelming and wonderful. I love that all your h00s loved tree sex! I'm a h00r, too.


	17. Hunger

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 16**

_5586 Birkshire_

_5586 Birkshire_

_5586 Birkshire_

I couldn't get the address out of my mind. Couldn't stop thinking about it – even as I sat there holding her in my arms and telling her about my past.

_5586 Birkshire_

_5586 Birkshire_

_5586 Birkshire_

She sank deeper into my arms – surrounding me with her understanding, her compassion and her warmth. She listened to me. She allowed me to speak and share at my own pace. And I did…I shared. Not all. Not everything. I didn't know if I _could_ share everything. I didn't think that she would understand.

But I didn't understand 5586 Birkshire.

I didn't understand it…and he fucking knew I wouldn't.

I tried so hard in that moment to read him. His thoughts – usually so clear to me – were guarded. I tried to fight past the false confusion of my altered mood and mindset, _knowing what he was doing_, but needing to know what the fuck he was talking about. But Bella was trembling – trembling and scared and speaking antagonistic words.

And he could have hurt her.

If he'd wanted…he could have hurt her and I don't know that I would have been able to stop him.

Not with his ability.

Even as I sat there, covered in her warmth, my body chilled at the thought of what I knew he was capable of. And I knew I had to keep her away from him – that he knew too much. He could tell her. He could use my words and admissions from so long ago against me.

And I knew it had to be me.

The truth _had_ to come from me.

But how could I do that?

"Can you talk about it?" she asked quietly, shifting in my arms and taking my hand. "You can tell me, you know…_anything_."

Her hand has warm in mine and she squeezed gently.

Soft skin.

Delicate bones.

All fit perfectly in my hands.

"I want to," I told her. "You just…you don't know how much I fucking want to."

Her eyes were soft and wide as they looked at me – questioning but not pressing. And my chest constricted as I thought about him…about _them_ and what I'd done. And I thought there was no way that I could tell her. Because if I did – if I opened up and _really_ told her – she would never look at me the same way again. The same fear that I saw in her eyes the night she woke and found me in her dark room, would replace the love and trust she had…for me.

She actually felt that way about me.

Would she still feel the same way once she knew?

_Could she?_

"Please, Edward…" she insisted. "Tell me about Carlisle."

I had to do it.

I had to fucking tell her.

Even it meant that I would lose her.

"I want you to know…" I started, wondering how I could do it. What words could I say? "I want you to know that I'm not the same _person_," I paused, the word tasting bitter in my mouth. I wasn't a person at all. Especially then. "I'm not the same person I was back then. I'm different now. I _need_ you to know that."

She looked at me, clearly not understanding what I was saying…where I was going. But still she remained – soft and open and willingly in my arms.

"What do you mean?" she asked. "What does that have to do with Carlisle? Your maker?"

The way she said maker sounded strange in her voice – like she didn't understand what that meant. And why would she?

Breathing in deeply…I began to speak.

"I was sick," I told her. "I was so sick…and he…he was the doctor I told you about."

"When you were in the hospital?"

"Yes."

"What happened?" she whispered. "Why…why didn't he save you?"

"He did. At least…he said he did," I told her. "He said it was the only way."

~x~

_Screaming._

_There was so much screaming. And the need for soothing tears that never came._

_I couldn't even cry tears._

_Tears – to cover and coat and soak the burning pain that ripped through my body. My tense and tortured muscles coming apart underneath my fire-consumed skin._

_And I couldn't fucking cry._

_I begged for help…but it was all in my mind. There were no sounds except my screams._

_There was nothing but my pain._

_Searing._

_Suffering._

_Tortured and dying._

~x~

She was silent and not breathing as she watched me. Her body was tense like mine as I remembered my pain. As I relived those moments that changed my life as I knew it.

I wondered if she could feel what I was feeling.

It seemed like she could.

The anxiety written on her face read like a macabre novel.

And I pulled her close – wanting to offer her comfort – but needing _her_ comfort more.

"He said I was dying," I whispered. "He said that he did it to save me."

"Did it hurt?" she asked. "Very much?"

Her question was innocent, but how could I answer it? And even more than that…how could I imagine that I would ever be able to do that to her?

Could I ever intentionally inflict that kind of pain on her?

But then there was the question…

The most important question.

Could I exist now, in a world where she didn't exist?

I knew I couldn't.

"It did."

I looked at her while she took in the information I'd just given her. I could see the wheels in her mind spinning…I could feel the way her heartbeat sped.

So, I continued.

"The pain stopped suddenly. It was gone…almost as if it hadn't been there. And the relief I felt was immediate. And that's when I felt it…"

"What?"

"A hand…_his hand_…covering mine."

"He was there with you?" she asked.

She leaned in, her body angled toward my own…listening intently to my every word.

"Yes."

"What did you do?" she I asked. "I mean….what happened then? Next?"

"Carlisle explained to me what happened. He told me what we were…_what I was_. And I didn't believe him. I'd heard the stories…you know. Scary stories…lies…myths. But I could see everything so much clearer. The colors were much more vivid. I could hear things – different things – things I'd never heard before. Like the sound of still air. And everything else was so much. _So fucking loud_. And the voices…"

My voice trailed off as I remembered.

"I was so confused…so scared. But I knew…in the end…I knew he was telling the truth," I whispered. "I knew that I was different…that I _was_ what he said…that I was changed. I was no longer living, but not really dead. It's hard to explain. I don't know that I'm doing a good job. I don't know if I can tell you. I just…I don't know."

Bella turned in my lap. She wrapped her arms around me and she placed her head against my shoulder. Her breath was warm on my neck and she held me tightly…so fucking tightly. To me, her grasp was nothing. But it was fucking _everything_ in the world. And I could feel her strength. I could feel how much she was giving me…and I took.

"Why are you still here?" I asked. "Why aren't you afraid?"

She never moved. She didn't look in my eyes and she whispered slowly…every word she breathed against my skin felt like a punctuation of her truth.

"You will _never_ hurt me."

She believed it.

And she was so fucking wrong.

The only thing I could do was hurt her. Even as I sat there with her arms around me, loving her comfort, breathing her breath…the only thing I could think of was that I wanted her. I wanted to keep her with me forever and if I were to do that…I would have to hurt her.

_Just like…_

"I could," I whispered. "I have…before."

_Big eyes._

_Soft skin._

_Coming._

_Willingly coming._

"Edward?" she whispered.

"Bella."

"Do you…do you _kill_ people?" she asked. "Do you need them to survive? Their…their…_their blood_?"

Even though she didn't move, I felt her grow rigid in my arms. I held her tightly – knowing it was time to tell her everything, but unwilling to let her go if she couldn't live with what I'd done.

"I need blood to survive," I whispered. "But Carlisle taught me another way."

"You can live without blood?"

"No," I whispered. "But I – _we_ – our kind can survive on the blood of animals."

"And you do?" she asked. "Survive? Only on animals?"

_So trusting._

_Willing._

_Easy._

"Yes."

Her relief was immediate. I could feel her relax in my arms. She didn't want to love a killer…a monster. But she needed to know that if she loved me – _if she really loved me_ – that's exactly what I was.

"Carlisle believed in healing," I told her, continuing on. There was still so much more I needed to share. "He believed in saving lives…not taking them. He kept me secluded for the longest time, only taking me out with him at night to hunt. The blood of an animal is unappealing at best…but it's warm and wet…and ultimately nourishing."

"But it's not what you want?"

It was a question…although she more said it than asked. She was so perceptive and picked up on things that were hidden between the blurred lines of my explanation.

"No," I whispered. "We always want…something else more."

_She was alone._

_I was alone._

_It was simple._

_So fucking simple._

"Do you want to drink from me?" she asked, sitting up straighter and looking me in the eye. "Is that why you're so afraid? Is that what Jasper was talking about?"

_Her scent..._

_So good…_

_And she followed._

_She came._

"I _should_ want to drink from you," I told her. "I should have wanted it…desperately. I braced myself for it on the first night I came into your house. I held my breath as I entered your room…"

I stopped, taking pause, as I allowed myself to feel the shame I had for violating her that way.

"Stop it," she whispered. "Right now."

I looked up at her, her big brown eyes a pool of emotion…deep and dark like a well. And I was standing there asking…wishing for her to understand. And the most amazing and fucked up thing was that I actually thought that she did.

I knew she did.

I could see it.

"Don't do that," she continued. "We talked about this. I _wanted_ you there. I wouldn't change anything about any of this, Edward. So much happened before you even came inside. You couldn't hear me…and I…I was able to hear you. Well, at least your thoughts." Her hands slid down and then ran up and across my stomach, underneath my shirt. "I wanted you there…with me…in my bed. I thought I dreamed you. I thought I made you up in my mind. Don't you see?"

"What?" I asked.

"You…you're the best thing that's ever happened to me," she whispered. "Please don't feel bad about being the _best_ thing that ever happened to me."

I shuddered slightly under her touch.

"You're the best and most amazing thing to happen to me in ninety-two years, Bella," I said sincerely. "It's hard for me to imagine that you can understand."

Her eyes were fierce as she cupped my face in her hands.

"I do."

Forgetting everything but her, I kissed her lips gently. Tasting her…feeling her respond as she opened her mouth and breathed into mine. She always tasted so good…sweet and real and perfect.

I couldn't help the groan that escaped my lips as kissed her deeper, stroking her tongue with my own. Her hands slid down and wrapped around my waist as if she was trying to get closer…and I wanted her closer.

I needed her closer.

In a moment of weakness, I reached down and grabbed her naked thigh that was covered only by the cotton of her shirt. Her skin was so soft…and my touch was so rough.

She whimpered into my mouth, but I took it as an indication of her passion…her desire. So, I held her closer…I gripped her harder. And then she cried out, clutching at me.

"I'm sorry," I rasped, looking down at her tender flesh. "Did I hurt you?"

"You didn't," she whispered.

She covered my hand with hers. Her calm enveloping me at the same time her lips covered mine again.

"I'm fine," she panted into my mouth.

And I took her breath, her promise and love…and I held them all tighter…closer...

And once again, it was her that soothed me.

It was her that calmed me.

"I don't want to, you know," I murmured against her lips. "I don't need to."

"What?" she asked, burying her face against my neck.

"Your…blood," I whispered. "It doesn't call to me…it doesn't make me…"

"What?" she asked again. "It doesn't make you what?"

I could feel her heart against my chest…her life literally beating in my hands as I held her.

Drumming softly.

Steadily.

Quietly.

Fearlessly.

"I don't know if I can explain it," I said. "It's like…do you know what it feels like to be really hungry?"

"Yes," she spoke softly. "I do."

She nodded her head and for a fleeting moment, I wondered if there had ever been a time when she was that hungry. Had she ever gone without in her life? She had taken care of herself for so long…and the thought of her needing something…anything…it killed me.

I reached out and stroked her hair. Because I could…and because she was perfect and fine and there with me.

"And when you are…you smell something really amazing. Like…your favorite food?"

"Yeah."

"It's like that," I said. "Only…I could have just fed and not need to drink, but when I…when we…smell human blood…none of that matters. It calls to us…it's our nature to desire it…to want it…to take it."

Clearly confused, she pulled back.

"But not with me?" she asked. "You don't feel that way with me?"

"No."

"Why do you think that is? And why do you think that you can't hear me when you said you can hear everyone else?"

"I don't know," I said. "I only know that it's true. I can smell you, though…your blood even. It's soft and metallic…with lilac and citrus. Beautiful. But it doesn't…call to me. Not the same way that you do…your body…your pussy…" I whispered, "when you want me."

"I always want you," she whispered back.

It would have been so easy to just take her then. I wanted it like she did…to be inside of her body.

Hot and wet.

I could smell her in the air around me…could taste her as I breathed.

But I couldn't take her.

Not then.

Not until she knew the truth.

Not until she knew everything…including what I'd done.

"Bella, I want to tell you everything," I whispered. "I want to tell you because you need to know, but I need you to know that I'm scared that this will change this," I said, placing my hand on her heart. "I'm afraid that you will look at me differently once you know what I really am."

"It won't."

I chuckled darkly.

"Just promise me…" I told her, looking in her eyes. "When I'm through, if you're scared…promise me you'll tell me."

"I promise," she said.

"I'll know," I told her. "I'll know if you're scared."

"Edward…I will never lie to you. Not ever."

And I believed her.

~x~

~x~

~x~

"Carlisle took care of me," I told he, continuing my story. "The change was difficult…on both of us. But when he felt like I was strong enough…controlled enough…he took me out during the day. He made sure we hunted and fed more than enough the night before.

I'll never forget it. We were still living in Chicago and Carlisle was still working at the hospital. It was cold that day. I'll never forget it – not that I can forget anything. But I wasn't cold. We…" I looked at her, gauging. "We don't get cold."

"Ever?"

"Temperature is irrelevant to us," I said. "We feel it…but it doesn't affect our bodies."

I watched as she took in the information, thinking about it, but her eyes settled back on me as she waited for me to continue.

"I remember because Carlisle had to explain to me why I needed to wear a coat…even if I didn't need one. I wore the coat he offered and we made our way into the city. He had to go into the hospital and he didn't feel comfortable with taking me inside."

"Why?" she asked.

"Sick people…open wounds…"

Realization dawned on her face and her grip on me tightened and released as if she didn't know what she should do.

"He told me to wait for him in the alley behind the hospital. It was relatively safe…and because we weren't in the best part of the city…no one was usually there. So, I did as I was asked…and I waited."

I looked at her. She was watching me…loving me with just the look her eyes.

She was the only one to ever look at me like that.

"That's when I smelled her," I whispered.

Her eyes widened as she sucked in a breath and she quietly asked, "Who?"

"I could hear her. At first I thought she was speaking, but her lips weren't moving. She was a nurse…and she was late for work. And she smelled like…like…I wanted to consume her. Before I could stop myself, I called her name…I'd heard it in her thoughts. She looked up at me…immediately enamored."

Bella's heart was pounding, but she never moved. Not a fucking inch. She sat there, still in my arms…hanging on my every word.

But for how long?

She still didn't know.

"She approached me…and I waited. She was pretty…slightly older than me…but still beautiful. Soft and sweet. _Even her thoughts were sweet_. But none of that mattered…all that I could see…all that I cared about was the smell of her blood. I could hear her pulse beating underneath her skin. Hot and wet and pounding in my ears."

_Thump._

_Thump, thump._

_Thump._

_Thump, thump._

"She was nervous, but still drawn to me. I could see it all in her mind. She read it to me as if it were a book. Venom pooled in my mouth…and it was so fucking easy. She made it so fucking easy.

She asked me who I was…and I told her my name. It didn't matter that she knew…because she wouldn't live to tell a soul. I knew – instinctively – exactly what to do. She was my prey. And easier than the animals I'd hunted. Because they ran…they ran and she didn't. She fucking came…willingly, she came."

_Wide eyes._

_Willing._

_Soft skin._

_Trusting._

"And once she was close enough for me to reach out and touch…I did. She let me. She allowed my hands – the hands of a monster – to touch her. And all I could smell was her blood. It flooded my senses the same way it was flooding her veins. I leaned in to smell her…and still…she still fucking allowed it.

"My nose skimmed her neck. Her heart pounded under my hands. And I could taste her. Her pale, thin skin wasn't even pierced and I could taste her. And I needed it…her blood…in that moment…I needed it more than anything.

"I stroked her neck softly…then roughly. I needed her frightened. I needed the rush of adrenaline. I needed her pounding and pulsing and ready to fill me…to feed me. She was shaking then…crying. She didn't know what was happening…but she knew it was bad. She knew I was bad. But it didn't deter me…nothing could have. I knew what I wanted. My hunger had taken over. I didn't pull back, didn't look at her as I took…my mouth opened quickly….and I bit."

_Beautiful._

_Soft._

_Pale skin._

_Caramel hair._

_And her last thought was of Carlisle._

~x~

~x~

~x~

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

Thank you for your patience while I seem to deal with the multiple situations that have come up in my real life. I appreciate every person reading this story.

Thank you to Marvar for being the one who pushes me to write and keeps me motivated. You are amazing and the reason my words are readable.

Speaking of Marvar, we entered The Jukebox Contest. The contest is anonymous…but I would love for you to check it out. Read and vote for your favorite. Maybe, it's ours.


	18. Conviction

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 17**

Horrified.

There was no other word to describe what I was feeling as Edward told me the story of his past…how he was changed…and what happened after.

And that's exactly what I was, as I sat there holding him.

Horrified at the look in his eyes, as he painstakingly recounted what happened so long ago.

His eyes were haunted by his words…his memory. And I wondered as he spoke, if I should be scared like he kept telling me.

I should have been scared.

I should have been frightened.

I should have been horrified.

But I wasn't.

At least not for me. Because how could I be scared, when he held me so gently? How could I want to run away, when every part of my heart and body begged to stay there with him? And for all the things that should have been…I could only focus on what actually was.

And in all actuality, I was in love with him.

Already.

So much.

Completely.

His eyes were closed and his head was downcast as he remembered what happened. And I wanted him to look at me. I wanted his eyes on mine, so he could see the truth.

I knew what he was.

I understood what he'd done.

And while it may have been horrifying, none of it mattered.

His whole body was tense…he wasn't even breathing. And I kept waiting for tears that simply never came. But I could hear them – pooling and unshed – in the tension of his voice that was so thick and desperate.

Regretful and ashamed.

My own cheeks stained with the tears he wasn't crying…and with a choked up voice, I whispered through them, "You killed her."

It was a question.

It was an acknowledgment.

Haunted, black eyes looked up at mine, as he whispered in return, "Yes."

And in that moment – however ephemeral he appeared – he was so painfully beautiful yet frightening.

_He killed her._

My racing mind warred with itself, wondering what I should do.

_He killed her. _

Part of me wanted to run – wanted the safety of my life only a few short days before.

_He killed her._

But the biggest part of me – the part that still remembered the sad and longing sting of lonely – knew that my fear was irrelevant.

_He would never kill me._

_He could never hurt me._

And somewhere in my chaotic mind, it registered that he knew. He could feel me…my heart and my blood. He could sense my fear and just the thought that I was hurting him further, centered me. I took a deep breath, still holding his eyes with mine, and I spoke.

Two words.

They were all I had, but they would have to be enough.

"It's okay."

"No," he said.

I reached up and cupped his face with my hands. His skin was cool, but with the heat of the fire in front of us, I noticed that the temperature wasn't all that different from mine.

"Yes," I maintained. "It is."

"It's not," he pressed. "It's not okay. It hasn't…nothing…nothing has been okay since that day. Nothing! Nothing until….you. And you need to know, Bella. You need to know what I did because you need to understand what I'm capable of. You need to know that I'm not the man that you think I am. You need to _see_ me…you need to _really_ see me!"

"I do see you!" I cried, the force of my voice scaring even me. "I see you, Edward. I heard you and I felt you when you came to me. When you came _back_ to me – not once, but twice. You came back and you _let_ me see you. And every moment…every fucking second you tell me something else…you reveal something different…and I'm still here! I'm still here and I do…I see you!"

"You have to let me finish," he said. "Please, Bella…just…you have to let me tell you the rest."

I didn't want to hear it. Not another word, because I knew it wouldn't matter. It didn't matter and it wouldn't change a fucking thing.

"Please," he whispered again. "Just…please."

His eyes were imploring…_begging me to listen_. And even though I didn't want to – even though I knew his words wouldn't change what had already happened between us – I listened.

"I held her against me, drinking from her…taking from her," he whispered.

He looked down and I wanted to make him look at me. I wanted him to see me because he was forcing me to listen. And I knew that he was forcing me to listen because he thought that it would make me run. He thought that he didn't deserve me…that he didn't deserve love.

"I could feel her life ending in my arms," he continued. "Her pulse was slowing and I couldn't stop. I didn't want to. I could only taste the blood. _Her blood_. Her life was ending and she was feeding me. She was fucking feeding me and I could hear her thoughts as she died. They were of him, you know."

"Who?" I whispered.

"Carlisle."

"She knew him?"

"She kept repeating his name in her mind. Over and over again like a mantra. She thought of nothing else. I could see his face in her mind. I could feel the love she felt for him in her disintegrating life. She was in love with him! My maker…my keeper. The one who had saved me."

And I wanted to die for him as he revealed the rest of his story. I could feel his pain as if it were my own. It ripped and pulled and destroyed my heart and I was sobbing…choking and crying for him because he still had no tears. But his pain and his sadness were so much that it broke me.

"What do you mean?" I cried. "How did she love him?"

And then his eyes met mine – wide and dark and ruined – and he placed his hand on my pounding heart.

"I don't know," he whispered. "How can you love me?"

Something inside me clicked and I realized that his maker – Carlisle – was in love with a human. He was in love with her…or she was in love with him. And Edward killed her. And then suddenly, I understood everything. His shame, his pain…his fucking broken mind and spirit. I understood it all and even more that that…even more than understanding…I felt it.

"I do," I said roughly. "I love you."

I was almost like he wasn't listening to me. Like, he was so lost inside his own mind and reliving this pivotal moment that must have changed his life.

Completely.

"I didn't even feel him," he whispered. "I couldn't even hear him…I was so consumed with her blood. But before I knew what was happening, he ripped her from my arms and pushed me up against the brick alley wall with such strength, it scared me. He fell to his knees before me and held her limp, dead body in his arms. His thoughts were frantic – filled with love I couldn't comprehend and pain and loss I couldn't ever have fathomed. And they raced manically as he whispered her name over and over again. Esme…Esme…Esme…"

His body rocked back and forth as he repeated her name, much in the same way he'd described Carlisle, doing. His hands fisted and gripped the cushions of the couch beneath us, and nothing I could have done, would have made it better.

"He was going to kill me," he whispered after a moment. His voice was lifeless…dead. "I could hear it in his thoughts before he ever looked up at me. But when he did, I could see the devastation, the pain...and hate in his eyes. _He hated me_. My maker…the only one I had a connection to in the world. He hated me. And he hated me because of what I'd done. I deserved it…his hate. I deserved it because I killed her. And he loved her. He loved her so fucking much and even though he taught me a different way, I killed her."

He looked up at me briefly, his pitch-black eyes wounded and filled with bottomless pain and regret. And I wanted to say something, but there were no words. What kind of words were there for something like that?

There was nothing.

Just his silence and shame and my pounding heart.

Until he whispered, "So, I ran, Bella. I ran away…and I never went back. I've spent my whole _existence_ running."

He sat there…silent and unmoving. And my broken heart fought to comprehend everything he just told me. But there was no way for me to understand it. There was no way I ever could have. It was too much. It was all too much and I couldn't imagine what he'd gone through…what he felt. And still, nothing I could do would make it better. Nothing at all. So, I sat there, weeping and praying for him to calm down. For him to just look at me again and allow me to offer him comfort.

And it was then that I realized…comfort was _exactly_ what he needed. Comfort and acceptance and love.

Because he'd never had it.

And then I was angry – _furious _– because the _one_ person, who should have offered it to him, didn't.

"This wasn't…isn't…your fault," I said.

Shock filled his expression as my words registered…and he gasped.

"What do you mean, it's not my fault?" he asked. "I killed her, Bella. I fucking killed her. I'm a monster. I'm a monster and I killed her – the woman he loved – I killed her! A monster…a monster…a monster…"

His whole body shook and trembled like he was crying, but the desperation I saw in him was far more overwhelming and heartbreaking than any grief or sadness I'd even known.

Including my own.

I reached for him, praying he wouldn't push me away. When he didn't, I wrapped my arms around him so tight and just held him close to me, my anger pushed back because he was more important. I whispered to him over and over that it would be okay – that _he_ would be okay. I didn't know if he could hear me. I didn't know if he was even listening, but I held his shaking body the whole time, willing him with my words to calm down.

I felt his body shudder under my touch as he took in a deep breath. He buried his face in my neck and finally, he wrapped his arms around me. And I was so relieved when he did. I felt my own body release some of the tension I was holding. I brought my hands up around his neck, softly stroking the skin there, before running my fingers through his hair and scratching his scalp softly.

"Who are you?" he whispered. "Where have you been?"

My heart broke a little more at his questions. And I knew in that moment exactly what he was asking. Because I didn't know where he'd been. And I'd been waiting for him for so fucking long…and not even realizing it.

I could have been with Jake – could have probably been content and happy with him – but I never would have felt anything other than a friendly kind of love. I would never have known the kind of passion that Edward had incited inside me.

He was my missing piece.

And I knew I was his, too.

"I'm right here," I whispered back. "I've always been right here."

"Why are you here?" he asked, his breath cool against my neck. His voice was small and full of wonder…and sounded so much younger than the years that he had lived. "Why are you still here? After everything? After what I told you?"

I didn't want to move from our position, but I wanted to look in his eyes. So, I pulled back only slightly, loving the way he held on to me like he didn't want to let me go. Something pulled inside me, then…like I knew that I never wanted to let him go either.

Not ever.

Turning around and scooting forward, I wrapped my legs around his waist. I placed one hand on his cheek and the other on his silent chest. And even though it was silent, I knew that his heart was there…and I needed his heart to hear me.

"You told me you were a vampire, Edward," I said softly…slowly. "You told me what you were and I still wanted you."

"This is different," he said. "You know more now…what…you know what I'm capable of."

"I don't really know anything about vampires," I told him. "Only what I've read or seen in movies…but I knew when you told me…I knew that you'd probably killed. Fuck, I assumed that you had."

As I said the words, I knew they were true. So much had happened in such a short time between us, but on some level, I had to know. And I didn't know what that meant, or what that said about me…but I couldn't focus on it.

"You want to be…" he started. "You want to be with a killer, Bella?"

"I want to be with _you_," I told him fiercely. "And you are not a killer. I meant what I said. None of this is your fault. At least…not entirely."

"I killed her," he said again. "Esme. Carlisle's Esme."

"Yes," I whispered. "You did. But you did it after he left you alone the first time he'd taken you in public. I don't know if I understand about the blood or the way it appeals to…to you. But I know that he…Carlisle…bears some of the responsibility. Clearly, you weren't ready for that yet. To be alone like that. And even if he thought you'd be by yourself, he had to fucking know that there was a possibility you wouldn't be."

"No. This isn't his fault," he argued. "This is my fault…mine! I killed her…and he hated me for it. He would have killed me, Bella. He was going to kill me. I saw it in his mind. He wanted to kill me. And I should have stayed…I deserved it, but I was so scared and ashamed. I ran…like a coward. And he's somewhere…still hating me..."

"Stop it, Edward," I snapped. "Just fucking stop it right now. You didn't deserve to die any more than she did. And I'm _so_ sorry that this happened, but you _have_ to know…this is _not_ all your fault."

His eyes were piercing as I looked at him, but I couldn't think about him dying. Not him, too. Not now, when he was here in my life. Not now that I was in love with him. I wondered if there really was a possibility that somewhere, there was someone who hated Edward so much that he would want to kill him. And then I thought about Jasper and what he'd said.

"_She's a human, Edward," he said. "She's fucking human and you know what you've done."_

Esme was a human.

Like me.

"_Does she know what you've done? Does she know what will happen to her…what will happen to you?"_

I shivered as I considered his words…but that wasn't a possibility.

Was it?

Before I could follow the path of my thoughts, Edward's voice broke through the silence.

"You really do love me, don't you?" he said. "This is real…this is really happening."

And at his words, I remembered lying in his arms in my bed, asking him basically the same thing. And when I asked…he comforted me. He told me he loved me. Told me he'd do whatever I needed.

And for him…I would do the same thing.

"Yes," I whispered. "I love you. I'm…I'm in love with you, Edward. I can't pretend to understand everything, but I understand enough to know that you're supposed to be here. You were supposed to find me. We were supposed to find each other."

He pressed in slowly, his hands sliding up my back before he tangled his fingers in my hair. And then he pulled me the rest of the way to him and he kissed my lips so softly, but I could feel the underlying tension in his body…his hand…his lips.

"I need you," he said against my mouth. His breath was sweet and cool as I breathed it in. "So much."

"You have me," I whispered back. "This whole time…you've had me."

"No, Bella," he said, more urgently. "I need you."

"I'm yours."

My voice was shaking, but I wasn't scared. The truth was I knew how he needed me. I needed him the same way. And as his mouth covered mine, I gave into that need completely. He kissed me softly, carefully…but I wanted more. When his tongue slipped across my bottom lip, I pulled it into my mouth, sucking gently and clinging to him tighter as he groaned lowly.

I wasn't even aware that he moved us until I felt myself falling back. Only, I wasn't falling. Edward's hands and arms were underneath me, holding me as he guided me down to the couch. He pulled back and my legs that were wrapped around him fell to the side. And he looked at me for the longest time before he whispered, "Are you sure you want this…that you want me?"

"Yes…so much….yes."

"Bella," my name was like a sigh on his lips…a prayer. And as I whispered his name in return, I wondered if he could hear the same thing. If he could see in my eyes, what I saw in his.

_Passion._

_Desire._

_Need._

_Love._

Because it was absolutely the fucking same for me.

His hands slipped up my sides, pulling at my shirt as he went. It tickled, it burned and just like him…his touch was everything.

"Lift your arms," he said. "I need to see you."

No sooner had I moved, before my shirt was pulled from my body. I could feel the warm air from the fire as it wafted over my naked skin. He kneeled before me and his hands traced the line of my collarbones from the outside in. I felt exposed and vulnerable, but as he dragged his hand down my sternum to the center of my chest, I also felt protected and safe.

I was safe with Edward.

He would never, ever hurt me.

"Your heart is pounding," he whispered, lowering his head and taking one breast into his mouth.

He sucked my flesh gently and my nipple tingled as his tongue licked around my areola. He pulled back and blew on the sensitive skin, watching with me, as it puckered and hardened. He drew small circles around with the tip of his finger, while his mouth repeated the same process on my other breast.

And I had no words…just small and whimpering moans from the way he was making me feel.

Amazing.

"Do you want me, Bella?" he asked as he pulled back.

"So much," I told him.

"Are you wet for me?" he whispered.

"Yes," I barely told him, shaking my head.

"I know," he whispered, reaching down to cup me with his hand. "I can smell you…your pussy…how much you want me."

He massaged me over my clothes with two fingers, pressing hard, but not hard enough.

Touching me…but not where I needed it.

"I told you, Bella," he said. "It calls to me…more than your blood…more than _any_ blood."

Without warning, he was standing up. It happened so fast, I didn't even see him move. By the time I had my bearings and my eyes focused in on him, he was almost completely undressed. Edward naked, was a vision. And as he stood, pale and golden in the firelight, I was overwhelmed.

His perfect body.

His big hands and long fingers.

His glorious cock.

"You're beautiful," I whispered, reaching up, without thinking, to touch it.

He whimpered as I circled him with my hand.

Cool and hard.

Thick and long.

He moaned, as my thumb slid up the underside before sweeping across his head.

"Tell me you want me," he rasped. "Tell me again."

"I want you, Edward," I whispered. "All I want is you."

As quickly as he'd left, he was kneeling before me again, pulling my pants and panties from my legs. And then he was over me, whispering in my ear how much he needed this, how much he needed me. His mouth covered mine as his hand slipped between us, pushing my already parted legs out wider.

"I want to be slow," he said, his voice low but loud in my ear. "I want to take my time and fuck you with my fingers and tongue."

His fingers slipped just inside my pussy…stroking and rubbing and pushing gently against my opening.

"And I want to make love to you the way that you deserve," he continued, pressing two fingers fully inside me. I gasped from the way it felt…still sore and swollen, but he felt so fucking good. "But I need you right now, Bella. I need to be inside you…I need to be connected to you like this."

His mouth covered mine…gentle and hard…penetrating and wet.

"Can I have you like this, Bella?" he asked. "Can I have you just like this right now?"

I could only hold him closer because I didn't have any words. My fingers dug into his shoulders to the point that it was painful to me.

"You have to tell me, Bella," he said. "Please…tell me."

"Yes," I cried.

And as soon as his fingers slipped from inside me, they were replaced with his cock.

And it was good.

It was so, so good.

I wrapped my legs around him as he pushed into me over and over again. There was nothing sweet or soft or gentle about it. It was all need…desire…desperation. And I felt it. I could feel his need…and it matched my own. I could feel his relief with each and every thrust. I could feel the weight of the day and what he'd shared fall away each time he said he loved me.

_I love you…_

_I love you…_

_I love you…_

Over and over again until there was nothing else. Nothing but my shaking body beneath him as we came…and I told him in return.

"I love you, too, Edward. I fucking love you, too."

~x~

~x~

~x~

The fire had all but burned out and I was still wrapped up in his arms. We had a blanket wrapped around me…around us. And for the first time, there were no secrets between us. I felt light…and I could tell he did, too.

"I don't want to be without you," he whispered.

"I don't want to be without you, either."

He kissed my dry lips, licking them and pulling me closer.

"I don't want to be without you…ever."

There was a weight to his words that I didn't understand. Or maybe, one, I wasn't prepared to consider. But he didn't say anything else, and I was content and happy to stay there…quiet and comforted in his arms.

Seconds…minutes…countless moments passed.

And it was then, he broke our peaceful silence.

"I need to go away for a while," he whispered.

My whole body tensed as I turned to look at him.

Panicked.

Scared.

Hurt.

"What do you mean?"

His eyes were soft and deep. He reached his hands out from under the blanket and cupped my face, kissing me softly on my chin.

"I want you to come with me, Bella. I need you to come with me. You're not safe here alone anymore. Not with Jasper and…" he paused and searched my eyes. "Please, come with me. I know it's a lot to ask…it's too much to ask…but I need to know what Jasper was talking about. I need to know about 5586 Birkshire."

And for me, there was no question.

"Okay."

~x~

~x~

~x~

~x~

We walked in the bar and I slipped my hand in Edward's. Every part of me tingled with the anticipation of what I was about to do. I didn't know if leaving with him was the right decision. I just knew it was the _only_ decision I could make.

He needed me…and wanted me with him. And the truth was, I needed and wanted him the same way. So, taking hold of that truth inside me, I looked up at him, ready to go wherever he led.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked.

"I already told you…I'm sure about you…about us," I told him. "But I can't just leave…even if it is just for a little while, without telling them."

I saw Rosalie sitting at the bar, but Emmett was the first to notice us. He nodded his head at me, while giving Edward an incredulous glare. I tightened my grip on his hand and he smiled down at me. Rosalie turned around and her eyes widened as she registered what she was seeing. I could only imagine what they were thinking.

I looked back up at Edward, and he whispered, "The bartender doesn't trust me."

"He feels protective of me," I said. "But I'm not the eighteen year old girl he gave a job to, anymore. I'm a grown woman. I can make my own decisions and I _have_ decided."

Edward looked at me for a long moment before finally whispering, "I love you."

And that was enough.

We made our way over to the bar and Rose was the first one to speak.

"Bella, is there something you need to tell me?" she said, smirking. "What I mean is…is there something you've been keeping from me?"

She looked Edward up and down before glancing at me and mouthing the word, "Hot."

"I was wondering if we'd see you tonight," Emmett interrupted. "I wasn't sure, since it's your night off."

He looked at Edward, closer this time…and skeptically.

"Who's this?" he asked.

Edward put his arm around me as I made introductions.

"Rose, Emmett…this is Edward," I said. "Edward, this is Rose and Emmett…two of my closest friends."

"And what is Edward?" Rose asked, laughing. "He doesn't get a little description? Like maybe, the man you've somehow managed to keep from us?"

"It's not like that, Rose."

"Well, then…why don't you guys sit down and join us for a drink?" Emmett said. "And then, maybe you can tell us what it _is_ like."

"We can't really stay," Edward said calmly.

"Where are Alice and Jake?" I asked.

"Jake was here," Emmett said, but I think he left.

"Alice is around here somewhere," Rose added. "Bella? What's going on?"

I felt Edward tense up beside me and I looked up at him.

"I need to step outside for a minute," he said. "I'll just give you some time with your friends."

"What's going on?" I asked, feeling uneasy about whatever would make him 'step outside.'

"Nothing," he said. "I just need to…talk to someone."

He pulled out his phone and held it up to show me. I wanted to relax, but I couldn't. And I couldn't ask him any questions with Rose and Emmett so close and paying attention to our every word.

He leaned down and kissed me softly on the cheek, stroking the skin above my jeans softly.

"I'll be right back," he said…and then he was gone.

Once he walked outside, I turned back to my friends and Rose said, "Alright, Bella…you show up here after two days of not calling, with some man we've never met…and you're acting all squirrelly and shit. What the fuck is going on? And don't tell me 'nothing.' I fucking know you…or I thought I did."

"Nothing is going on," I lied. "Well…nothing bad."

"Spill it, Bells," Emmett said.

"I do have something I need to tell you, but I'm going to go get Alice first," I told them. "I really need her to be here, too."

"She probably in the ladies applying lip gloss," Rose said. "I'll go get her."

"No," I said. "I'll go. Finish your beer."

As I walked toward the bathroom, I couldn't stop thinking about Edward. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong. A part of me wanted to go outside and find him, but I knew I owed my friends an explanation. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door.

"Fuck," someone hissed and grunted, and as my eyes adjusted, the entire world spun in rapid circles around me.

"Oh my God, Bella!" Alice gasped.

I couldn't move…couldn't breathe…as I stood there, taking in what was happening before me.

Alice was on the counter, her bare legs spread open and wrapped around someone's waist. Her steel-blue eyes met mine for a moment before dropping her head below the man's shoulder. And as I lifted my eyes, I saw familiarity…family…and Jake's wide brown eyes staring back at me through the mirror.

I wanted to move, but I couldn't. I just stood there, with his eyes holding mine. And somewhere in the back of my mind, I could hear the sound of Alice crying.

And I had to get the fuck out of there.

I spun on my heel and headed for the door. I needed to get out…needed to be anywhere but there. And then I heard Edward's voice calling my name. And as I looked up, I was met with his concerned eyes.

And the golden eyes of Jasper to his left.

~x~

~x~

~x~

A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

Marvar, thank you for everything. But mostly, thank you for understanding me…for making me laugh…and for being the single best thing to come from Twilight. (Including Edward's glorious cock.)

Thanks to my pre-readers, Caren (Nerac) and Raina. I love and appreciate you both so much.

Oh, and I love Peeta.


	19. Provocation

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 18**

Darkness.

My entire existence had consisted of it. Endless nights…covered and clouded days. All spent running from my past, running from that moment. Hearing but never heard. Watching but never seen.

Until her.

She heard me.

She saw me.

And now, she knew about me – all about me. She knew everything. Who I was and what I'd done. She knew and she was still there. And not just there, she was in love with me. It was hard not to laugh or even want to cry at the thought. I couldn't cry, obviously. But as I told her what happened, what I'd taken – not just from Carlisle, but from Esme – I wanted to. For the first time since I'd experienced the pain of changing, I wanted to cry as she held me in her arms.

For as much as I wanted to hold her, to help her heal her broken and lonely heart, she was helping me more. And as we lay there, wrapped up in one another and the blanket, it was her love, her acceptance and her fucking understanding that put together the pieces of a heart I didn't know remained.

And she told me she would come. She didn't even ask me any questions. She never put up one ounce of defense. She simply said, "Okay," and I accepted her gift, her beautiful trust, her gracious heart…and we prepared ourselves to leave.

I didn't even know where we were going. Jasper's thoughts had been so guarded, but I knew that the address was close. And I knew that whatever I would find there…had to do with me.

~x~

~x~

~x~

Walking in the bar made me nervous. Not because I was scared of anyone there, because no one there could hurt me. I was scared for Bella. I knew that these were the people she loved. These were the ones who had been there for her. And they were also the ones who had the potential to convince her not to leave. And she _had_ to leave. She had to come with me because she wasn't safe. And even more that that…I knew that I could never be without her again.

The bartender, Emmett, noticed us right away. His thoughts were clear. He wasn't trusting of anyone new. And he felt a sort of possessiveness about Bella. It wasn't romantic, but it bothered me just the same. He wanted to know who the fuck I was. He wanted to know if I was the reason that Bella had been acting so strangely the last time she worked. And I knew that I was. But for her sake, I kept a straight face as she looked up at me. I tried to focus on the way her hand held mine, the way her deep brown eyes reflected her emotions. And while I couldn't hear her thoughts, everything I wanted to know – everything I needed to know – was written so clearly in her eyes. But I could hear his thoughts as clearly as if he were standing right next to me speaking them out loud.

Suspicion.

Concern.

Doubt.

It wasn't until we were already standing there with them and Bella was talking, that I heard his voice.

Jasper.

He was outside…and he knew we were there. I had to go outside. I had to speak to him one last time. I had to hope that he would slip up and his mind would tell me the answers that I needed to know. But he never slipped up. He never lost control. So, I kissed Bella, leaving her with her friends and I left the bar to find him.

I could smell the smoke before I saw the orange glow of the cigarette illuminate his face. He was leaning up against the wall on the side of the building. He took one more drag, breathing in deeply and then blowing the smoke out in one long, steady stream.

"Why the fuck do you still do that?" I asked him. "It's not like it does anything for you."

He chuckled quietly, darkly. His thoughts were muddy and unclear. He was purposely trying to conceal them from me and it was working. It always worked.

"It's not like it's going to kill me either," he said. "Besides…I like it. I find the act of it soothing."

"You need to be soothed?" I asked, incredulously.

He laughed again, this time, meeting my eyes as he drew in one more pull of the burning tobacco.

"We all need to be soothed, Edward," his voice drawled, thick and smooth like clover honey. "Some of us just need more soothing than others."

He made no attempt to hide what he was implying. He was angry about Bella. But what I couldn't figure out was why.

"What do you want?" I asked. "Why are you here? I haven't seen or heard from you in years. Why now, Jasper?"

He stared at me, his eyes giving away none of his thoughts. And that was when I heard it.

"Bella."

Her name was a whisper on the lips of his thoughts.

Not Jasper…Jacob.

The thoughts were sexual; driven by lust and something else.

Something desperate.

Something sad.

My mind immediately reeled at the idea of him thinking of her in that way. I knew he had, of course. I'd heard it when he stood on her porch. Imagining her, soft and wet and naked beneath him. It angered me then. Then, when I'd only seen her. Then, when I merely stood off in the shadows, wanting desperately to know who she was.

But now, it was completely different. Now, I knew what she felt like beneath my hands. Now, I knew how she molded against me in my arms, the way her breath felt against my neck, the way she tasted on my tongue and the way her sweet, hot pussy covered and coaxed my cock.

Now, she was mine.

It wasn't until I listened closer, that I heard his thoughts shifting. His thoughts were no longer of Bella – not in that way. They were of someone else. And as they shifted, the thoughts of the other woman made themselves known and hers, as well as his, were tangled and wrapped around each other. Sad and lonely, needy and wanting. While Bella was in the background of their minds, she possessed a place of regret and guilt that was completely overshadowed by the way that they were feeling for each other…the way that each of them needed each other.

The thoughts of the human mind were nothing surprising to me. Not after all my years of being forced to listen and hear the in and outs of what people were thinking. The tone of this was heartbreaking. Both of them lonely. Both of them feeling like this was an outlet – a fleeting moment to mask and dull the pain of being alone. Yet, it quickly gave way to the euphoria of the feeling wanted. The joy of being desired. And of desiring that person in return.

I knew that feeling.

The heartbreak turning to rapture.

The physical reaction to the knowledge that someone _finally_ wanted you.

Jacob wanted this woman. He wanted her so much…and she wanted him in return.

I heard his gasp as he entered her body. I could feel his pleasure as she surrounded him with heat and blood-filled flesh. He wanted her so much and as he covered her mouth with his, he breathed in her breath and sucked in her air. And what began as a desperate attempt to find comfort and forget about their pain, suddenly became an act of giving into something they never knew they wanted. And wanting _only_ the person in their arms.

I was astounded by the emotion that was so raw and real and pure.

And then he said her name.

"Alice."

It was a whisper and sigh.

It was saying out loud what he was actually feeling inside.

It was her…and no one else.

Not Bella.

Just her.

But as surely as I'd heard her name, Jasper heard it, too. In a flash, he'd pushed himself from the wall and he was heading inside. Everything happened quickly, then. I heard them say Bella's name and I knew she'd seen them together. And while I couldn't hear her thoughts, I could only imagine what she was feeling. I followed quickly behind Jasper, telling him to stop. But he wouldn't listen.

He would not be deterred.

When we entered the bar, my eyes immediately landed on the woman who'd changed my life. Her head was down and I wanted to hear her, wanted to know what she was thinking, but I couldn't.

I couldn't hear her.

I couldn't see her eyes.

Until…

Until…

Brown and deep and beautiful, they looked up and found me. And in that moment, all thoughts of everything else around me fell away. She registered Jasper, but her eyes held mine for just a moment…barely a second. And then she ran to me, before falling in my arms.

Her small and fragile body trembled in my arms. I fought back the intense anger and insecurity from thinking that she was upset because of Jacob. I tried so hard to remember that it wasn't him that she wanted, but me.

She fucking wanted me.

She'd given herself to me over and over again.

She told me she loved me. Declared it countless times.

I focused on that – and in that truth – I found my calm.

_She was my calm._

Jacob and Alice ran from the bathroom behind her, the smell of their sex obvious to me. Both of them were disheveled and flushed, making apparent to everyone watching, what had been going on between the two of them. Everyone's thoughts were so frantic and rushed. And even with my ability, I found it hard to focus on them all.

Jacob's shame mixed with confusion.

Emmett and Rosalie's disbelief of what transpired.

Alice's guilt quickly replaced by shock as she saw Jasper.

And Jasper…

Jasper's rage, as he stared back at her.

"You're a fucking whore," he hissed. His posture was guarded and defensive. The line of his jaw was as rigid as the stone of his body. "You fucked him in a bathroom? _You fucked him_?"

I could hear the collective gasp of everyone standing around at his words. But he didn't care. His mind raced and in his own anger, his thoughts were as clear and loud as they were unguarded. I saw the memory of his interaction with her. He had been fascinated…enamored even. I saw her eyes in his mind. Wide and grey and completely dazzled by his presence. But when she spoke to him, he shut her down. He told her he wasn't interested, when in truth, he was. He was taken with her. Her quirky spirit, her quiet beauty. But he ran from her that night. He ran from her, knowing that he could never allow himself to be with her.

Not in that way.

Not in any way.

Jacob stepped up. His presence large and foreboding. He should have been considered threatening, frightening. But not to me…and certainly not to Jasper. He grasped Jasper by the collar and pushed him against the wall. And to my immense surprise, he stood there doing nothing. Nothing, but looking at his enemy with contempt and disgust.

"I don't know who the fuck you think you are," Jacob growled, "but if you ever talk to her like that again, you will _never_ talk again."

Jasper sneered. To anyone looking, he would have appeared the epitome of control. But I knew better. His control was slipping, barely hanging on by a single strand. And I was scared. I knew that without a moment's notice, Jasper could kill him before anyone knew what happened.

And he wanted to.

Was going to.

So, releasing Bella and pushing her back, I stepped in.

"Back off, Jacob," I said calmly. "Now."

He turned quickly, releasing Jasper and staring at me. His brown eyes were wild and angry. He looked to Bella, then back to me. I listened as he put the pieces of the truth together in his mind. I could see her hand as he watched it, reaching out to me. Pain registered for a moment, but it didn't last for long.

"And who the fuck are you?" he said lowly.

"I'm trying to help you," I said.

My eyes never left his, but I was aware of Jasper and his location. His thoughts were still running rampant. I – in all the decades I'd known him – had never seen him so unnerved.

"I don't need your fucking help," he said. "Especially not with him."

He turned back to Jasper, and my hands reached out to stop him. He turned on me then, throwing a punch that landed on my jaw. The pain didn't register because there was none, but I could hear the crunching as the bones in his fingers broke.

"Don't you fucking touch me!" he hissed.

Jasper laughed maniacally in the background before stepping forward.

"Care to try that on me," he drawled slowly, his southern accent thick and taunting. "Or don't you want to break another hand over this fucking whore."

His eyes leered at Alice who stood there crying, but her tears weren't the ones I cared about. I could only hear Bella as she began to cry. Softly…earnestly. And my frozen heart shattered like ice, when I realized that this – _all of this_ – was my fault.

I moved then, gripping Jasper by the arm. I might not be able to stop what had already happened, but I could prevent anything further. We were so close to being discovered. No one had put the pieces together in their minds, but I knew that Jacob would know that something wasn't right.

"Jasper," I said quietly. "Get the fuck out. He might not be able to stop you, but I fucking can."

"You would choose her over me?" he asked, not caring how loud he was speaking. "You would do that Edward? After everything we've been through?"

"There isn't a choice," I said, meaning it. Bella was my life now. And I would protect her from anything. Even if it meant protecting her friends. "Now, go."

"This isn't over," he said darkly. "This isn't over at all."

The threat resonated in his tone and his words. And the look in his eyes scared me, terrified me. Resignation read clearly on his face, but his thoughts were only flashes of unreadable darkness. Quietly, he retreated. And as he left the bar, I was left with the shocked faces of the five remaining people…and four questioning minds.

But Bella's mind remained silent.

"I don't know who you are," Emmett stepped up and said, "but I think you need to go."

I looked at him and acknowledged my agreement. I turned around to find Bella, still standing behind me, with her hand reached out toward mine. I was just about to reach for her when he added, "I think Bella should stay here."

My entire being tensed and all at once, this man became a threat to me. I couldn't leave, not without her. I wouldn't. Not when I'd just found her. Not when she was everything important in the world to me.

She was everything.

"I agree," said Rose. "Bella, I think you should stay."

Her arm was still outstretched, her hand and fingers still reaching. And I didn't know what I should do. Maybe they were right. Maybe she needed to stay. My own mind blocked out the thoughts around me as I struggled to decide what I should do. Jasper had been right, as well. None of this would have happened, if not for me. If not for my presence in her world. I was exactly what he said. A monster, who would bring nothing but pain and darkness and death to her beautiful life.

Time suspended and froze in that moment. I allowed my unneeded breathing to stop. And my heart that she had so lovingly, passionately and gently put back together, shattered at the thought of leaving her.

I didn't want to do it.

_It would fucking break me to do it._

But for her, I would die a thousand deaths.

I would walk away, even as it killed me…if it was what she wanted.

~x~

"No!" she cried. "No!"

Her voice was rough and filled with tears and my eyes shot up to meet hers.

"No!" she said again.

"Bella," I whispered, but before her name completely escaped my lips, her hand was in mine.

Squeezing.

Pressing.

Holding onto me the way I wanted to hold onto her. So, I squeezed back gently, careful not to hurt her. And everyone else fell away. She was in my arms and I was holding her, not caring what they thought or what they said. She belonged to me and I belonged to her. Her words from my house replayed in my mind. She told me this was fated. She said we were meant to find each other. Everything that happened had a purpose.

And she was fucking right.

"I'm coming with you," she said. "I'm coming," she said louder. "You're _not_ going to leave me."

"Never," I whispered against her hair, low enough that only she could hear. She trembled in my arms and though I couldn't warm her, I pulled her closer. I needed to feel her beautiful heart beating against my chest. "Never."

"I meant what I said," she turned and spoke to Emmett and Rosalie. "I am not a child and I'm leaving with Edward."

Wet, brown eyes looked at me and I couldn't contain the relief and love that flooded my mind…and maybe even my heart.

"Please," she whispered. "I need you to take me away from here. I...I just can't be here right now."

I nodded my head in agreement, still ignoring the people surrounding us. Their thoughts were clear, but I didn't care. Even though none of them trusted me, I knew that I would never hurt her. That I would protect her with my life. And I knew, in all actuality, I was the only one capable of protecting her now.

I led her to the door, but Jacob called her name.

"Bella?"

It was a question.

It was a plea.

To stay…to forgive.

"Bella, I'm sorry," Alice added. "I'm so sorry."

And it was then, that she stopped. She slowly turned around and she looked at her friends. First Emmett and Rose, then Jacob and finally Alice.

"Don't be," she said simply.

And then we were gone.

~x~

~x~

~x~

We were twenty minutes outside of Forks when I looked down at her. She had been silent, but pressed up against me. Her head was on my shoulder and her arms wrapped around my waist as I drove her old, beat up truck. She hadn't said anything on the short drive, but I wanted to know if she was alright.

I wanted to know what she was thinking.

"Are you okay?" I whispered.

She only nodded her head, not saying anything. I placed a kiss on the top of her hair. I breathed in her lilac and honeyed-rain scent. I wanted her words, but her actions were enough. It was then; I felt her hand trail up my stomach. She placed her palm on my chest before undoing the top few buttons of my shirt. She pulled it apart and placed a small, soft, wet kiss directly over my silent heart. And once again, she pieced it back together.

"_If it could beat_," I thought to myself, as she wrapped her arms back around me, "_it absolutely would for you._"

And then, for the first time since we left, she looked up at me.

_Love._

_Passion._

_Acceptance._

I saw it all in her eyes.

Again.

Every fucking time.

"I know," she said. "Mine beats for you, too."

~x~

~x~

~x~

A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

Thank you for reading and for every sigle review, message and tweet you send me about this story. I love you all and your words.

Thanks to my soulmate and bestie, Marvar, whom I love more than Rob. You have no idea how much better she makes my writing. Really, she is a goddess…in so many ways.

Thanks to ltlerthqak for pre-reading while Raina is out of the country. I love and appreciate you so much, bb! *kisskiss*

I will be out of the country, as well. I am going away for ten days. I will try to update before I leave, but it might not be until I get back. Thanks for sticking with me. And this story.


	20. Sensory

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 19**

"If my heart could beat," he whispered, quiet and clear. "It absolutely would for you."

And I was covered with a warmth I couldn't explain. Because somehow, he knew that I was hurting. Somehow, he knew exactly what I needed him to say. He said it…and his words meant so much.

_They meant everything._

I looked at him, wanting him to see that even though I was scared, I _knew_ he was the one. I'd made a choice when I left the bar with him.

I chose him.

I loved him.

More than anything.

"I know," I replied. "Mine beats for you, too."

~x~

"What did you say?" he asked, as he suddenly stopped the truck.

I was jarred from the sudden change in our speed and the almost harsh tone of his words. Even though Edward was a vampire, he had never been anything but gentle with me. His voice, his words…his touch. But my face and body heated and flushed as I remembered our time in the woods, and how "gentle" wasn't exactly the word I would use to describe him then.

"What…what are you talking about?" I asked. "Why did we stop?"

"Bella," he said as he turned to face me. His movement pushed me back and his hands reached out to touch my face. And even though his hands were steady and calm, I could feel the turbulent storm that simmered just beneath the surface. "What did you just say to me? Please…you have to tell me."

My mind, still shaken and unsettled from the events that had taken place at the bar, raced as I tried to figure out what was making him so upset.

He _seemed_ so, so upset.

"I told you that my heart beat for you, too." My voice trembled and I felt a new wave of hot tears flood my eyes. I had cried so much tonight. "I don't understand," I said. "Why is this upsetting you so much? You said the _same_ thing to me."

And he had.

_I heard it._

His voice was soft, but his words had been so clear. And I needed them so much in that moment. I needed to know that he still felt the same way. Because I had been so scared. Truly, as I stood there in the bar, I saw his face. The pain and the resignation. He was going to leave me. He was going to walk away and I would have lost him. I needed to know that he was in this as much as me. I needed to know there was no way he would ever leave. Because I knew now, I could never leave him.

Not ever.

He looked at me for the longest moment. His eyes were dark, but I could tell he was confounded. And I couldn't fathom his lack of understanding. If anything, I was the one who should have been confused. I didn't act like this, when he spoke those words to me.

Those words – _his words_ – made me feel comforted.

They were exactly what I needed.

So, I gave them back to him, in return.

"I…" he started, then paused, "I…I didn't say anything."

His words cut me like a blade, wounded me in the deepest, softest part of my heart and soul.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked, backing away from him. I scooted over the furthest part of the cold leather seat of my truck. "Why would you deny it?"

He tried to move closer to me.

"Don't," I said and he stopped immediately. "Just…don't."

"Bella…"

"You said it," I cried. "I heard you. Did you not mean it?"

None of it made sense. And I felt like it was something he _would_ have said. His words all along had been so beautiful, so passionate. He made me feel like I was something special…like it was me. Like I was the one he'd been waiting for.

Why was he doing this now?

Was he trying to drive me away?

"Bella, please," he spoke again. "I meant it…_I mean it_."

His voice was so sincere, and a new wave of confusion and emotion crashed over me. I felt so all over the place. Like nothing in my world was grounded and I was spinning out of control. Because even though this was crazy, even though everything about this was terrifying and screamed for me to be frightened, I never once was.

Because of him.

Because of how he made me feel.

Because I knew he felt the same way.

"I don't understand," I said. "What do you mean? Why did you tell me you didn't say it? And now, you're telling me that you did. If you wanted to confuse me, I promise, you don't have to try so hard."

My words sounded as bitter as they tasted in my mouth and my body shook as the adrenaline surged. And I didn't even know where it was coming from. The entire day and night had already been so draining. But I had remained calm. I had remained centered because I knew that finding Edward _meant_ something. But there was no calm now. No, now there was only the reality of everything that happened, crashing down on me.

Me and Edward.

Jacob and Alice.

Jasper.

And all of it was too much.

He moved to take me in his arms, and while I wanted to fight him, I just couldn't. I didn't have the strength. Soothing hushes fell from his lips as I cried into his neck, and my closed fists pressed against the stone of his chest. He was so hard and yet, he held me so gently.

This was the Edward I knew.

This was the Edward I understood.

But in reality, I knew that there was still so much I didn't understand. And I remembered his voice, only moments before, when he spoke to me so harshly. When he denied telling me the words I needed so much.

"You said it," I cried in protest. Only my voice wasn't loud. There was nothing commanding or forceful behind my words. Just weakness and tears and the fear that I really couldn't take this. But his voice echoed in my head…his words resounded in my heard. He fucking said it. So, I said it louder. "_You did! You said it. I fucking heard you!_"

"Bella, shh…" he whispered. "Please, stop crying."

But I couldn't stop crying and that only made me cry harder. And I hated my weakness because even though all of this had been scary, I had been strong. All along. I had been strong for him…for me. Because I knew that he was worth it. Finding him had been worth it.

"You said it," I said again, hiccupping. He pulled me closer, but the movement was awkward because of how we were sitting in the small space. "Why? Why would you tell me that you didn't? Why, when all I've done since you told me what…who you are, is tell you that it's okay? That I didn't care and that I wanted to be with you anyway?"

His hand trailed down my back and I could feel the tension in my body leaving. Not because I wasn't upset, but because I was tired. All of this had been so exhausting.

"Please," he whispered roughly. "Please…just…just listen to me. I didn't say it, Bella. I didn't…but I thought it. _I thought it_. I thought it and you heard me. You responded to me. Not my words…._my thoughts_." He pulled back looking in my eyes and I couldn't see him. Not really. It was so dark and my eyes were so cloudy and filled with tears. "You heard me, Bella. How? How could you hear me?"

My mind was spinning all over again. And I couldn't be sure if he was telling the truth. Even if it _was_ the truth, I didn't know what that meant. How could that have been possible? How could I have heard him?

"How?" I asked, the words falling from my mouth without filter as I thought them. "How…I mean I…I don't understand. What are you talking about?"

"I don't know," he said, his hand reaching up and cupping my face. There was a frenetic tension in the way he was touching me…the way he was looking at me. I could feel it in the posture of his body. I could taste it in the pulsing energy around us. "I only know that you did. _You fucking heard me…my thoughts, Bella_! You heard what I was thinking."

Looking into his eyes, I could see he was telling the truth. Or at least what he _thought_ was the truth. And then it hit me like a fucking ton of bricks. He hadn't been denying what I'd heard. He was just denying that he said it.

"So…so, you weren't telling me you didn't mean it?" I asked, still trying to wrap my stupid, confused mind around what he was saying. "You…you meant it? You thought it?"

There was a moment after I spoke when everything was silent. Him…me…the air and space around us. It was the kind of quiet with noise. Almost like a buzzing bell in my ears. As if the silence was so much, so overpowering…it needed to speak. It had to find a voice. The ringing became more pronounced as he looked at me and when my chest started to hurt, I realized I wasn't breathing. I gasped, taking in a deep breath. My chest burned as it filled with air that tasted like him. My head spun and I let the dizziness consume me.

"Listen to me," he said roughly. My eyes tried to focus, tried to see him through the window of water that covered them. "I love you," he said. "I love you so fucking much. And yes, Bella. Fucking yes…I meant it." His thumbs pressed against my cheeks, wiping the tears away. "I meant it, with everything I am. But you heard it. You heard me, Bella. You fucking heard me, when I wasn't even talking. When I was just sitting there, so thankful for the way that you were holding me. So thankful that you left…you came with me. And you kissed my heart, Bella. You put your mouth on me right here," he said, placing a hand over his still-exposed chest. "Here. And yes, I thought it. _I meant_ _it._ I would say it a thousand times, but I didn't say it then. I didn't say it…and you heard me."

"Edward," I whispered, still confused and overwhelmed by his words – his perfect words.

"But I didn't have to say it," he said. "Don't you see? I didn't have to, because you heard me. How could you hear me?"

"I…I…" I stammered, trying to tell him that I didn't know. And honestly, still a little uncertain that what he was saying was true. But how could it not be true? How was any of this true at all? All of it was crazy. All of it had been too much to really understand from the beginning. From the Ouija board, to him being a vampire. The fact that there were others out there like him. And I had stood in their presence more than once. All of it was beyond fucked up, but looking at him, I knew that none of that mattered.

_It was him._

He was real and he was here. And because of that, nothing in my life would ever be the same again.

"You're shaking," he said. "Please, Bella…you're scaring me."

"I'm scared," I admitted, feeling a sense of relief from saying the words. "I'm so scared right now, Edward. I don't know what any of this means. I don't know what's really going on. I only know that I need you. And everything has been so much…too much. And what happened back there…when I….when I thought you didn't want me…"

"When did you think I didn't want you?" he interrupted.

"I thought…I just…" I said, trying to find focus that simply wasn't there. All of the emotion was still boiling right at the surface. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself and then I searched his eyes, hoping that whatever I found there would calm and center me.

They were nervous but soft.

And they were telling, just like his words that followed.

"I always want you," he whispered. "Have _always_ wanted you. From the first time I saw standing outside the bar. From the moment I followed you home. Don't you know that, Bella? Can't you see?"

His words were as soothing as the cool of his palms against my hot cheeks. I sucked in another breath, feeling my spinning mind settle. Not completely, but it was enough.

"You think I heard you?" It was a statement…it was a question.

"I know you did," he said softly. "Even though I meant it completely…I didn't say it. I know I didn't."

"But why can't I hear you now?" I asked. "If that's the truth, why can't I hear you now?"

"I don't know," he said. "I only know that you did…and I don't think it's the first time. Actually, I know it's not."

"What do you mean?" I asked. "What are you talking about?"

He sat back in the seat of the truck, his eyes silently asking for permission to take me with him. And of course, I went. I was still shaken and confused, but unwilling to lose the physical contact.

He leaned back against the seat and I settled in his lap, facing him. His arms wrapped around me and he pulled me close against his chest as I rested my head against his shoulder. Nothing in my world made sense at the moment, but that did.

He did.

"The first night," he whispered. "The night with the board. You…you heard me then, too. And the more I think about it, Bella…the more I think it wasn't the board telling you my thoughts. I think it was you. You could hear me."

I thought back to that night, sitting alone on my porch. I thought about how unnerved I was when the planchette started to move. And even though I was scared, I knew something real was happening. Something beyond my own limited understanding.

"But it was the board," I whispered. "It wasn't me moving it…it was moving on its own."

"I'm not pretending to know the answers, Bella," he said. "I'm only saying that anything is possible."

I couldn't help the painful laugh that escaped my throat. Anything was possible. Myths and dreams and things that held no place in my reality had all suddenly become a part of my life. And if I was willing to accept that as the truth, was I really incapable of believing that something like this about myself?

"But I'm human," I whispered. "Human…nothing…"

"You…" he whispered roughly, pulling back and looking down at me. "You're different…you're amazing…you're…you're everything."

And then his lips were on mine, hard and deep, as he kissed me almost painfully. My mouth opened as I tried to breathe and I tasted the salt of my own tears on his tongue. My hands reached up and threaded through his hair as he groaned. It sounded so loud in the small space of the cab and it only served to make me needier and more desperate than I was before.

"Tell me," he rasped, as his mouth trailed across my cheek and down my throat. "Tell me you know, Bella…how much I need you…how much I love you."

I couldn't speak. I could only nod my head, but that wasn't enough. Not for him.

"I need you to tell me," he said again, pulling away from me and causing me to whimper. "Please, Bella…_please_."

"Yes," I said, reaching for him again. Needing so much the contact that we'd had just seconds before. "I know…just please…please, don't stop."

I couldn't stand the thought of him pulling away again and I knew that maybe words were what I needed more than the physical contact. But I felt flooded with desire and a desperate want to be connected to him in this way. More than anything. My head was still heavy and clouded, but my body knew – my body had _always_ known where he was concerned. Even when I thought I was dreaming.

"We can't," he said. "I…I can't. Not here…not now."

But I wasn't listening. I knew I couldn't stop. So, I reached out to him with shaking hands and trembling fingers. I pushed apart the top of his shirt that was still unbuttoned and I kissed him again. Harder this time, but with no less love than before. I felt my teeth graze his skin, as I slid down his chest and he cried out, bringing his hands to my hair.

"Yes," I said, panting against him. "Please don't tell me no. I would never, _never_ tell you no."

I licked him then, tasting his cool skin, which stood in contrast to the sandalwood and spice that filled my senses. My fingers worked as quickly as they could, trying to unbutton the rest of his shirt. His grip on my hair told me that while he might have verbally protested; his body was telling him the same thing as mine.

We needed this.

Both of us together.

I pushed his shirt open and sat back on his lap. I looked at his skin, so pale and white…even in the darkness. If the moon was over us, it was hidden and nowhere to be seen. The tree covered road was deserted except for us, not a single car had passed us since we stopped. And though is eyes were dark, I could make them out and as he looked at me. And in them, I found the truth.

He could never say no to me either.

Quickly, I lifted my shirt over my head, tossing it to the side. My hair fell down over my shoulders. The way he was looking at me made me feel desirable…sexy. And once again, I was reminded that he was the only one who had ever made me feel this way.

Like I was something to be desired.

My eyes held his, as he slowly reached up to cup my breasts in his hands. They were covered with my bra, but I could still feel my nipples harden under his cool touch.

"You're beautiful," he breathed. "You're so fucking beautiful."

"Tell me," I whispered, before leaning in to kiss him gently. I licked his bottom lip, before sucking it into my mouth and biting down. In felt his chest rumble under my hands, as a soft growl escaped. So, I bit harder, before licking him again. "Tell me…what are you thinking?"

He reached behind me and unclasped my bra, sliding the straps over my shoulders. Chill bumps rose on my flesh from the touch of his hands. From anticipation and want.

"No, Bella," he whispered, before reaching out and pulling my bra from my body. My breasts fell free, as he leaned and took one in his mouth and cupped the other in his hand. He sucked my tender flesh softly, before licking around my nipple with his tongue. It tingled as he pulled away, licking a trail between my beasts and up my chest, before achingly…finally covering my ear with his mouth. "You tell me."

"I can't," I whispered.

"You can," he said lowly with conviction.

I watched as he reached down, unbuttoning his pants and pulling his cock free. My breathing sped, as I watched his hand gently stroking the length.

"I want you to touch me, Bella," he said. "I want you to touch me and I'm going to touch you. And I don't want you to speak…I just want you to listen. Listen to me. _Hear me._ I know you can."

My hand covered his for just a moment and I felt him, hard and cool and perfect under our fingers. And then, his hand moved away and I began to stroke him softly on my own. He remained silent except for his panting. I tried to focus on him, but there was nothing.

No sound.

No words.

I was fascinated with the moisture I could feel on the tip of his head. And if it had been possible, I would have leaned over to take him in my mouth. I wanted to taste him. To suck and lick that perfect part of him that was weeping for me.

My other hand reached inside his boxers and I cupped his balls. A small whimper escaped his lips and my eyes shot up to his. They were wide and focused solely on me. He reached out then, and two fingers began to trace the line of my pussy. I wanted to moan…I wanted to cry. But instead, I bit my lip and I tried to listen.

I wanted to hear.

He quickly opened my pants and his hand slipped inside my panties. He palmed me then, completely covering it and pressing against my skin that felt so hot against his cold hand. And still, there was nothing. No words, no sound. Just the pounding of my heart and my erratic breathing.

His fingers slid just inside, opening me, spreading me. And it felt so good, I couldn't help myself. I pulled my eyes from his and looked down, needing to see what he was doing. Wanting to watch what I was feeling because it was too much, too good to believe it was real.

"You're so hot," he whispered. "So soft and wet for me."

I whimpered at his words…his touch…just him.

"You…you do this to me," I whispered, still watching his hand. "You make me this way."

His hand stilled, just for a moment, but then he began stroking me again.

"Look at me," he said. "Look into my eyes."

And so, I looked up. His face was intense, even more than before. There was something wild and urgent in the way he was looking at me. And then he spoke, his words slow and soft.

"You heard me, Bella," he said. "You _hear_ me."

My mind spun and it was so hard to focus on his words and what he was telling me because he was still touching me so perfectly. I could hear the way his fingers slipped wetly against my skin and I tried to let go…tried to be there in the moment with him. His words or his thoughts…I didn't know what was true. But I knew that none of it mattered as long as it was him…as long as he was with me there in that way.

His finger slipped inside me completely, twisting as I stretched open to receive it. I didn't look away this time, but I could barely keep my eyes open as the pleasure covered my body.

"_Wet and tight and hot like fire…"_

It was his voice, his words.

But he wasn't speaking.

"_Beautiful."_

He began to move his hand, his finger pushing in and pulling out. A look of knowing on his face and I wondered if he could actually know what I was feeling…what I was thinking. Was I really hearing him? Was this all in my mind?

"_I smell you…"_

His words.

His thoughts.

"_Your beautiful body…your perfect pussy…"_

His words.

His thoughts.

"_For me…I make you this way…"_

And still he didn't stop his hand as he fucked me with his fingers. And I couldn't look away from his face, his parted lips.

That never fucking moved.

I could feel the pleasure taking over. My body trembled and fought it, wanting so much to stay in the moment with him. Needing so much to know if what he was saying was true.

Could I hear him?

Could I really fucking hear him?

"_I love you, Bella."_

"_I've waited for you."_

"_I didn't know."_

"_I didn't fucking know."_

He was pushing hard and my breathing was labored and all of it was too much…too intense…too unbelievable to be real.

"_I know you can hear me."_

"_It only makes you more perfect."_

"_Tell me…"_

"_Tell me…"_

"_Come for me, Bella…and tell me you can hear me. I know you can."_

And my body tensed and exploded, as everything around me came crashing down. My hands that were longer touching him, gripped his shoulders as the entire world I thought I understood, morphed and changed into something unknown…something supernatural…something frightening but perfect.

Perfect, because of him.

"I can!" I cried, finally collapsing against him. "I could hear you, Edward. I could hear what you were thinking."

"I know," he whispered, taking me in his arms and turning my body. He wrapped me up against him, kissing my face…my neck. "I knew you could."

And I cried, not because I was upset, but because I was so confused and overwhelmed with the truth and his love. And how fucking much I loved and needed him in return. Everything was the same, but my world was entirely different and I didn't know how to wrap my mind around it.

I could feel his breath on my neck, I could hear his speaking, but the words blended together.

"I love you, Bella. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, but I can't be without you. Not again…not ever."

I felt the tears streaming down.

I felt his arms holding me…keeping me safe.

"You have to….you have to…"

"What?" I wanted to cry, but no words left my mouth. I only knew I would give him anything. Everything. All that I had belonged to him.

"Please…just say yes."

Anything.

"Please…"

Anything.

And everything was hazy. My mind, his words…his thoughts. Nothing was clear any longer. Everything was heavy and weak and tired just like me. But through all of it, as my body fought the darkness that sought to overtake me, one word resided in my mind. One word lingered in his thoughts, repeated over and over again.

_Change._

_Change._

_Change._

Darkness won and sleep took me quickly.

~x~

~x~

~x~

When I woke up, Edward was lowering me into an unfamiliar bed.

"Where are we?" I whispered, my voice thick and rough.

"At a hotel in Port Angeles," he said. "Shh…you need to rest. Sleep, Bella. Sleep for me."

I wanted to fight him, but I was so tired and I knew there was no use.

"Come," I whispered. "Lay with me, please. _Be with me_."

He leaned over me, kissing my temple. He smelled so good and his kiss was so cool and soft against my flushed skin.

"Soon," he whispered. "Rest. I'll be back before you wake."

A moment of panic surged through my body. My eyes opened and I looked at him.

"Where are you going?" I asked, scared and anxious.

"I need to hunt, Bella," he said. "I need to feed."

"Can't I come with you?" I asked.

"No," he said quickly. "You can't…you just….can't. Not when I'm hunting. Please, just rest."

I wanted to argue, to ask why he was so adamant. But I didn't have the strength. My eyes closed again, as he whispered. "I'll be quick…and Bella, I love you."

~x~

~x~

~x~

The room was still dark when I opened my eyes. I could feel the slight chill of his body against mine. I sighed, relieved that he was there with me. Just as he'd promised. I could feel the pull of my tight muscles as I stretched before my body sagged back against him. His arms wrapped around me, cool and comforting.

Except it wasn't.

Suddenly, I knew that it wasn't.

Everything was off…everything was wrong.

I breathed in, trying to calm myself…and that was when I smelled it.

Smoke and bourbon.

I tensed…and that was when I felt it.

Arms that weren't Edward's, wrapped around me.

I gasped…and that was when I heard it.

Slow and southern…and sickeningly sweet.

"Hello, Bella," the voice whispered directly in my ear. "You know, darlin'…you're beautiful when you're sleeping."

~x~

~x~

~x~

A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

So, yeah…I hope you're happy for the quick update. They wouldn't shut up and this chapter kind of (almost) wrote itself. I'm gonna say (pretty firmly) that this will be the last update until I get back from vacation. But you never know. Edward might be chatty again. And I can hear his thoughts. Since I write them.

Marvar is always honest with me…even when it's bound to hurt my feelings and make me an emo mess. I love her for that…and for her awesome ass. J/S She's amazing.

Caren and Raina are the best pre-readers in the world. Seriously. I wouldn't enjoy this near as much without them.

See you guys in a couple weeks. I'll be the one with a tan and a hangover. xoxo


	21. Apparition

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 20**

There are few words in the world that inspire deep, visceral reactions in a man. Especially a man in my world. Having never really been inside my world – only existing on the sides and lurking in the darkened shadows – I couldn't really understand the power of the word that was running on a constant loop in my mind.

_Mate._

Bella was my mate. The mate of my body, the mate of my soul…the mate of my mind.

_She could read my mind._

The one thing that I had considered a curse to my own existence was the singular thing that showed me that I was not alone in the world. And the understanding that she could hear me – could read my mind and know my thoughts – was like a brilliant and blinding light cast over the darkness of my never-ending existence. And the limitless expanse of time that once felt oppressing and damned would never be long enough as long as she was by my side.

I had to tell her. She had to know. I wanted to take her and change her and make her like me. I wanted her to be mine forever. I could only desperately hope that she would feel the same – that she would want me in the same way. And I knew it was selfish. I knew that the right thing would have been to allow her to remain in her world. Safe from the darkness of mine. But I couldn't help but wonder if all of this was somehow fated by a god I thought had forsaken me so long ago.

I was meant to find her.

And she was meant to hear me.

To see me.

To know and understand me when no one else had in nearly a century.

Yes, Bella was my mate.

~x~

~x~

~x~

As my mind trembled with realization, my body trembled with hunger. Bella was tucked and snuggled into my side. Her pink lips were swollen from our kisses and parted slightly as she breathed warm, wet air across my chest. The air escaped in a soothing rhythm – in and out, peace and repletion. Her lashes splayed across the dark circles under her eyes. She needed to rest and I felt a sharp pang of guilt as I considered that her exhaustion was because of me. I looked in the rear-view mirror. I had dark circles of my own, not because I was tired, but because I was starving. My cheeks were hollow, my face emaciated. My eyes were as black as the night we were surrounded by. I needed to feed. And I needed to do it soon.

I checked us into a hotel in Port Angeles, keeping my eye on the truck the entire time. Bella was still resting and I couldn't really carry her inside while I paid for the room. Even though I could still see her, I felt a gnawing pressure in the pit of my stomach. I knew the only way to keep her safe was by keeping her with me. Once we were in the room and she was sleeping, I could quickly run out to hunt. I didn't want to leave her – especially not after what had happened – but I knew I needed strength that only came from the blood of another living thing.

I carried her limp, fragile body up the stairs and settled her on the bed. She seemed so frail…so fragile. But I knew that wasn't truly the case. She was so strong. She had shown more courage than anyone I'd ever known. But that didn't matter. I still wanted to protect her. Would die, doing so, if I had to. It was this primal, animalistic urge…and I embraced it.

She was my mate.

She was mine.

Completely.

She woke briefly and I told her I needed to feed. She wanted to come with me. She couldn't possibly know that there was no way she could be around me while I hunted. Even though her blood didn't call to me, her heart still beat, pumping thick, red liquid that my body would instinctually view as sustenance. She wouldn't be safe.

"Please…just rest," I begged her. _"For me,"_ I added in my mind.

As if she knew what I needed, her eyes closed again as she drifted back to sleep. I wanted to reach out and touch her once more before I left, but I was afraid I would wake her again. Taking one last look at her, I whispered, "I'll be quick…and Bella, I love you."

_So much._

_I love you so much._

~x~

~x~

~x~

As I stepped outside the door, a sweeping chill ran through my body, twining and curling as it wrapped its way around me like a vine. I paused, listening to the air around me. There were no sounds but the night…no thoughts for me to speak of. I could hear the breathing of those in rooms around me. Some were deep and relaxed, others were shallow and fitful…all were the sound of humans sleeping. Taking a deep breath, I settled myself. Bella would be fine. But I would be quick.

Just like I promised.

I ran as fast as my feet could carry me to a deserted park we'd passed on the way in. I knew I would be able to find something there. I paused, deeper in to the park. I listened for the sound of life around me. There was nothing…no movement…no breath…no beating heart.

Nothing.

I moved in even deeper, heading for the woods.

I was ravenous. The hunger in my body eclipsing almost everything else I felt. I'd gone longer without eating before. Especially in the beginning of my life as a vampire. But this was different. My body needed to feed…needed to feel the fresh rush of blood in my system. I needed the strength the blood gave me, so that I could go back and care for Bella the way I needed to. Be with Bella the way that I needed to.

Fuck.

Just thinking about her made me realize that, like me, she was probably starving as well. I'd never spent any real time with humans. And as I thought back on my time with her, I realized that I hadn't given her food once. And shame covered me because I needed to be better for her. I should have known that she would need to eat as well. And her needs were more important than mine.

Just as I was about to turn around and head back, there was a sound of a deer rusting in the bush to my left. I paused, waiting. When it didn't move again, I silently crouched down low and waited. Seconds later, the animal shot out from the trees, running quickly. But I was quicker. I took off after it and effortlessly took it to the ground, sinking my teeth in its neck.

The blood was warm and wet. I preferred something bigger, but the deer would have to do. There would be nothing more than this so close to town. But I knew that where there was one…there were more. And I was still hungry even after draining it. Revived and more alert, I listened again. Where there was one…there had to be more.

So, I waited.

Another deer ran out across the clearing in front of me, and instinctually, I took off after it. Its heart was racing as it ran. My ears were filled with the sound of the cadence of chase. It knew there was a predator and it was scared. The smell of tangy blood took over as I followed. I was right upon the animal – the kill and sustaining blood within my reach. I could drain it quickly and return to my Bella. I ran quickly and leapt forward, grasping the animal in my hands as I took us both to the ground. I struck quickly, teeth piercing flesh, and warm, rich life flooding my mouth and filling my body and making me strong.

I drank until there was nothing and listened as the heart of my prey fell silent. My body was tingling…purring as the blood surged. My muscles flexed as I effortlessly lifted the carcass to bury with the last one. Just a few more minutes and I would be back with Bella. I could hold her, naked and warm in my arms. I could watch her sleep and whisper to her unconscious mind what I was secretly afraid to say out loud when she was awake.

_Please, let me change you._

_Please, stay with me and be with me forever._

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I will never stop loving you._

Suddenly, something else filled my senses. Something soft, something warm…something female. I scanned the perimeter and saw nothing. The woods were still…an eerie quiet to match the darkness of the night. I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath. The scent – it was still there. Floating over to me as if it were carried on a breeze. Only there was no breeze. There was just silence and calm, but the calm was living, breathing, pulsing around me.

I tried to focus, the fresh blood in my veins making me more alert, more in tune, more like the predatory creature that I was. Slowly…so fucking slowly, my eyes opened and zoned in on a tree-covered area across the way. And there in the darkness, I saw it.

I saw her.

I gasped, quickly closing my eyes because I knew it wasn't real.

This couldn't be real.

She couldn't be real.

Sixty-six years and her face had never left my mind. Not once. I would remember it always. Terrified and small. Caramel eyes that matched her hair. Soft and beautiful…and fucking drained and dying as I pulled her life into me…feeding me while I sucked and took from her what wasn't mine to take.

My whole body trembled. It wasn't fucking real. She was a memory. A sad, desperate memory of everything that was wrong and animalistic about me. I killed her. I fucking killed her and in the process, I severed the only relationship in this life that was ever important.

Until I found Bella.

It was the fresh blood…the recent kill. That had to be what was triggering this vivid memory. It was the thought of Bella and what I wanted with her that was making me think about this. Because killing the human that Carlisle was in love with was the reason that I would _never_ be good enough for her. How could I care for and love a human for myself, when I had taken from him the woman that he loved so long ago?

My eyes opened again, knowing that the shadowy figure wouldn't be there.

It couldn't.

It wouldn't.

My eyes adjusted quickly and there across the field, she remained standing in front of me.

Caramel hair.

Wide eyes.

_Esme._

_Esme._

_Esme._

I was afraid to move…terrified to look away. I knew I was having some sort of hallucination, but if I moved my eyes, she would surely disappear. But she didn't move. She didn't breathe…and she was still fucking there. Haunting me…reminding me of what I was and what I'd done to her. And then she said my name.

"Edward."

It was a whisper, it was a gasp. I watched as her hand lifted to her mouth and then I stood in staggering amazement as the apparition before me turned and fled. But why would my vision flee? Had I not created her memory in my mind as some form of self-inflicted punishment?

Before my mind could grasp it all, my body was running. I chased her into the woods, but I wasn't really sure what exactly I was chasing. Was it the face of my memory? Was it actually her? And even as I ran, my spinning and overwhelmed mind couldn't help but reason that there was no way it could be her. It couldn't be. I watched her die. I watched her breathe her last breaths as she lay limp in the arms of my maker…my damning savior.

It was as if I could hear her footfalls. Soft and quiet and equally as quick as my own. And so I followed, needing to know if she was real while deep inside, I knew that she wasn't.

She couldn't be.

And then as quickly as the chase had begun, the whooshing sound of running ceased and there was nothing but the dead silence of the night air. I stopped on a dime, my own feet digging in and sinking into the wet earth beneath me.

I listened…and nothing.

I waited…and nothing.

But the sound of my own voice filled the quiet night. Rough and broken and choking, I cried out, "Show yourself. Please…if you're real…show yourself to me."

And still there was nothing.

No ghost.

No beautiful face from my memory.

And I sank to my knees in frustration, wishing I could cry tears that would never come, as the memory of what I'd done to her came rushing back and covering me as if no time had passed at all. The pain was sharp and searing, the shame consuming. Because now I knew exactly what I'd done. I'd taken her from him. I'd killed her…Esme. The human that he loved.

And I thought about Bella. How much I loved her and what it would do to me if someone took her away from me. And just the thought of that made me violent with a rage I'd never known. It made me physically sick and desperate because I knew that now that I'd found her, I could never live without her again. That I would kill anyone who attempted to cause her harm. And just as much as I knew that, I also knew that I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve her. Not when I'd taken the woman Carlisle was in love with away from him.

I don't know how long I stayed there on the ground. My fingers hurt from the tension of gripping the wet ground beneath me and I closed my eyes, willing myself to have the strength to stand and let go of the demons from my past. I knew it was useless, this hope that I could let go, this hope that I could be good enough for the sleeping woman waiting back in the hotel room for me. And then my awareness prickled. My senses heightened and I was hearing something. I was hearing someone.

The tone was soft and sweet.

Heartbroken and questioning.

_He doesn't know…_

_He doesn't know…_

_He doesn't know…_

A gust of wind rushed past me and when I opened my eyes, the thoughts were gone and the woods were silent once again. Picking myself up, I tried to reason with myself that all of it had been a figment of my imagination – my own guilt and self-deprecation attempting to sabotage the only good thing to ever happen in my hopeless, endless life. And as I carried myself quietly out of the woods and back to the park, I resigned myself to the task I knew I had at hand.

I was in love with Bella.

And she was in love with me.

She knew about my past, the horrible thing I'd done and yet she still wanted me. She still fucking loved me. After everything. What I was and what I'd done had never mattered to her. Not once. So, I needed to tell her what I wanted. I needed to give her one last chance to escape me and the only life I could offer her, but the turn of that coin was the possibility that she would choose me. She would choose change and a life where I could love her as I loved her now.

Hopelessly.

Endlessly.

Forever.

The faster I ran, the more resolved I became. I could see her face behind my eyes. I could hear the husky whisper of her voice in my ear. Telling me she loved me. Telling me to take her as she offered me her body and made love to me time and time again.

She would choose me.

I knew she would choose me.

Even though I didn't deserve it. Because the way that she loved me, was the same way I loved her - entirely and with no reservation or requirement that I be anything other than what I was.

_She would fucking choose me._

When I reached the edge of the parking lot, I stilled myself for a moment. Even though my body was stronger from the sustenance of the blood, my mind was still shaken and clouded from the ghost of my past. But Bella was my present and my future. She was everything and she had been all along.

Peace should have covered me at my realization, but something lurking beneath the surface struck me with anxiety. I didn't understand it. I listened to the air around me. There were no sounds…there was nothing. At the late hour, everyone was still sleeping. I tried to zone in on Bella's heart…her breath. I knew she would still be sleeping and I needed the steady thrum to soothe me. Relief flooded me for the merest hint of a moment when I hear the delicate beat of her beautiful heart. But it was suddenly replaced with panic as I realized that it wasn't the cadence of someone sleeping. It was pounding so loudly that I was surprised I didn't hear it before, but the pounding was slow. The pounding was controlled.

And panic turned to rage as flashes of someone's thoughts seeped through. They were dark and sinister, manipulative and possessed with an evil that even I had never encountered.

I flew towards the room as the southern voice from my past whispered threateningly…

"I know you want it, beautiful Bella. I can make you want it."

~x~

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A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

Sorry for the delay in updating. And if you're still reading this story, I want you to know how much I appreciate your patience.

Thanks and love to my soulmate and beta, Marvar. Even though she pretends to not love cocks the size of her wrist and she makes fun of my current obsession with BDB, she is still the most amazing person that I know.

Thanks to Raina for pre-reading. She will always remain the catalyst for this story of mine.


	22. Wicked

**Disclaimer:**

**This chapter contains subject matter that may be difficult for some to read. Though I will never write a scene containing rape, there are (sometimes) graphic descriptions of physical and emotional abuse and depictions of sexual assault. **

**~/\~**

~x~

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**Chapter 21**

My heart was pounding in my chest and my mouth was dry. And though I wasn't sure I was breathing, I could still smell the thick and heavy scent of smoke and bourbon. I wasn't dreaming. This was very, very real. My stomach turned as a shudder ran through me and my dry mouth filled with saliva. I was going to vomit. But just as suddenly as the feeling hit…it passed. No, not passed…the feeling disappeared completely. As if it hadn't been there to begin with.

His arms were around me and even though his hands weren't gripping me roughly, I somehow knew that I was trapped in a prison of steel that I would never be able to escape alone. His hand pressed against my stomach and then slowly made its way up my body. Inch by painstaking inch. He finally stopped, settling between my breasts. Fear consumed me as I felt his hands cover me in such an intimate place, and tears filled my eyes before spilling hot and wet over my cheeks. Because even though there was a layer of clothing between my skin and his hand, I knew that there was nothing I could do to stop him if he decided to do more.

"Shhh…" he whispered, pulling me back until I was flush against his chest. "Don't be afraid, darlin'. You need to calm down…your heart is fluttering like a hummingbird's wings." He chuckled darkly. "Although, I suppose that a hummingbird is an apt comparison to you right now. Small and nervous…beautiful."

I didn't say anything. Instead, I closed my eyes, praying that this was a terrible nightmare…hoping that I was still sleeping and that when I woke up, Edward would be with me just like he promised.

_Oh, god._

_Where was Edward?_

But Jasper continued speaking, completely unfazed and undeterred. "You know what else is interesting about hummingbirds, Bella?"

The way he drawled out my name all slow and thick and seductive made me cringe. And I know that he felt it because he gripped me much tighter than before and his voice was rough and demanding in my ear.

"Answer me."

"No," I said, my voice sounding just as small as the animal he described. "I don't."

"It's how frail they are. They're the smallest kind of their species. Even though they're beautiful creatures, when you think about it…they're entirely vulnerable."

He was toying with me. His hands weren't moving but they were still there, surrounding me and covering my body…my heart. I tried to breathe, tried to calm myself, but I knew that it was hopeless. There was nothing I could do except pray that Edward came back soon.

"It's why their main source of sustenance is nectar from flowers," he continued. "No different than an insect, really…"

His words hung in the air and the room became stilled, silent. His hands weren't moving anymore and I could feel the pounding in my heart slow as if I were calming down.

It was a strange sensation and I didn't really understand it. It was almost like the way I felt when the doctors put me on sedatives after my parents died. This was exactly like that. My body was relaxed, but inside…inside I was screaming.

"Tell me, Bella," he said lowly. "Do you like nectar?" He laughed and moved his face closer to my neck, breathing in deeply. And even though I wanted to be tense as his nose brushed against the skin of my neck, I still couldn't. I lay there, passive and unresponsive. Terrified. "I'll bet you do. Was Edward sweet in your mouth? Did you love the way he tasted? Did you suck him while he fed you and filled your mouth? What was that like?"

And as if my too-calm body could stand it no more, tears poured from my eyes as I choked on the air I tried to breath in.

"What are you doing to me?" I asked.

"Ah-ah-ah…" he responded. "You don't get to ask questions when you still haven't answered mine."

"I don't understand," I said. "Why do you want to know? Why…why do you care?"

"Because I do," he said simply. "I'll bet he was good. I'll bet his body felt good over you, under you…inside you while you sucked him…while he fucked you. He's such a strong man, isn't he? Such a protector…"

Suddenly, he pulled away and I turned my head to face him. His body was no longer surrounding me. His hands no longer against my skin. He sat at the edge of the bed. His fingers reached his hair and he ran them through the blond locks roughly, grabbing and squeezing into fists at his roots.

I moved to cover myself with the blanket, but he ripped it out of my hands.

"You don't move unless I tell you to move," he said. "Do you understand me?"

I nodded my head, my body stilling completely at his words and his tone.

"Did he tell you about me, Bella?" he asked. "Did he tell you how we met? What he was like when I found him?"

I closed my eyes tight, clearing them of my tears and willing myself to be stronger than the weak and crying woman that I was.

"You will answer me," he said. "Did he talk to you about me?"

There was a change in him from the moments before. He was less controlled, which should have terrified me, but there was something about him that told me he was weaker. I knew I had no chance of running. I'd seen how fast Edward could move. He was a vampire like him, and there was no way I could escape. So, trying to remember the words that Edward spoke to me in his house, I answered as calmly as I could. But even then, my voice shook with fear.

"He said that his life was isolating. And that you were from his past…a friend."

He laughed then. Manically. The sound was piercing and pained and as his black eyes looked at me, terror and dread struck me down and paralyzed me with fear.

"I wasn't his friend," he hissed. "I was his fucking savior."

There was such venom and bitterness in his tone, but before I could try to understand where the anger was coming from, he continued to speak.

"Did he tell you how I found him? Who he was? What he was doing?"

I thought back to the things Edward had shared with me about his past. Mostly about his change and the way he'd killed the woman his maker was in love with. Esme. I remembered the shame, the utter devastation on his beautiful face as he recounted the ordeal to me. I remembered how I felt so angry that his maker would have left him alone in that alley, when he should have known that it was obviously too soon.

He hadn't shared too much about Jasper. I'd only ever gotten the feeling that there was a deep history there. And I knew that whenever he'd spoken of him, even when he was telling me that he didn't think that Jasper would hurt Alice, there was an underlying fear there. And sitting in the room looking at the man, his black eyes piercing my own, I understood why Edward had been afraid. But even in the face of my fear, I would never have shared his personal thoughts. Not one single fucking word.

"Of course he didn't," Jasper said, pulling me from my thoughts of Edward. "I'm sure he wanted to keep that under wraps. Well, I think you should know who I am to him…what I did for him…"

He paused as if he were trying to think of the words to say, but as I watched him, it became apparent to me that he was trying to come up with words. He seemed to be reliving some sort of memory.

"When I found Edward, he was pathetic. Starving and broken and all but waiting for death. He had dark circles under his eyes that looked like bruises. His eyes were hollow and black – I could tell he hadn't fed in months. _Hungry._ He was so fucking hungry."

There was another pause. This time, he looked at me. His eyes were hard, the features of his face like stone. His expression was malevolent as if he hated me, but I couldn't understand why.

"I never would have found him," he continued. "Except that…well…I have certain…abilities."

I didn't know what he was talking about, but I wondered if all vampires had gifts…or powers. Edward could read minds. Even if he couldn't read mine, he'd told me that I was the only exception.

"In the weeks leading up to me finding him, I could sense something. Only I didn't know what it was. It was this oppressing sorrow. This weakness. It…it affected me. Greatly."

His eyes were still on me and for some reason, I felt exposed. Like I was naked before him. Not physically, but emotionally. Could Jasper hear my thoughts? Was his gift like Edward's?

"You're afraid," he said, shifting closer to me. I could feel his hands press into the mattress as he moved closer to me. He was kneeling beside me, his knees touching my hip. He pushed me back on the bed, forcing me down. He wasn't rough, but I understood that there was no fighting him. He leaned over me, placing both of his hands on either side of my head. He breathed in deeply and then whispered in my ear. "I like it. Your fear…it's captivating. It feeds me. And I haven't fed in so long."

"Please don't hurt me," I whispered.

He laughed darkly, and the sound chilled me and made me sick. And then I felt something cold and wet against my neck. He was licking me, lapping at my skin and then my ear. Fear and nausea rolled inside me and I felt the bile from my empty stomach rise and burn the back of my throat.

"I promise, Bella." The way he said my name was contemptuous – dripping with acid and hate. I didn't understand why he hated me. He didn't even know me. "I'll make sure it doesn't hurt…much."

All the breath I had left my body in one gust, and my body undulated in panic as I realized what was going to happen. Sickening, dark images pervaded my mind.

He was going to rape me.

He was going to rape me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

The body is a fascinating thing. And even more the mind. Both of mine shut down in that instant. The threat of violation and the crippling knowledge that I was unable to prevent it forced me withdraw completely into myself.

With my eyes closed, the strangest calming sensation covered me. And even though I was still so fucking scared, images of the good things in my life filtered through behind my lids. I saw my friends: Jacob and Alice, Rosalie and Emmett. I saw my parents – their faces so clear. And a part of me wondered if I would see them again in death. If Jasper was going to kill me, too.

And then I saw Edward.

Beautiful and broken and so in love with me.

The sense of calm increased as I held on to the vision of him behind my eyes. I could see the way he looked at me – could remember the way his eyes held mine on the first night we were together. I'd thought he was a dream. Thought he was ghost I'd created in my mind. He was too perfect to be real. Not just in his ethereal beauty, but in the reverent way he looked at me. Like I something special…something beautiful, too.

The sharp and blinding pain of Jasper slapping my face pulled me from my thoughts. My eyes opened and stung with tears as the shock that he'd actually hit me forced me to suck in a gulping breath of air.

"Peace is undesirable, Bella," he said. "Your fear tasted so much better. Besides, I haven't finished telling you my little story. You need to know…to understand why this is happening to you. You want to understand, don't you? He could have prevented this, you know. He could have stopped all of this from happening…but he didn't."

He moved to my side, no longer leaning over me. I didn't know what I should do. I didn't think I should move. Not even to lift my hand to the burning welt that must have been on my cheek. I could feel it swelling and the heat of my tears only served to enflame the pain further.

"Now," he drawled. "Back to my story. It's a good story. Though maybe not an entirely happy one. But we don't know the ending yet, do we?"

I just shook my head, not really understanding him and his scattered thoughts.

"Like I was saying…before you distracted me…I could sense something weak and sad and desperate in my building. I didn't know what it was or where it was coming from, but I knew that I needed to find it. I was drawn to it.

"I've been around a long time, Bella. A very long time. A lot longer than Edward. Edward, by most comparisons is still young for our kind. Anyway…in my many years on this earth, I've studied and learned many things. But because of my…_gift_….well, the study and practice of psychology was always the most fascinating.

"So, needless to say, when I sensed that kind of pain and anguish, I was immediately drawn to it. Had to find it. I spent nights trying to pinpoint the location. It wasn't easy. My ability only helps me so much. Plus, there was the unfortunate hindrance of coexisting with humans. It wasn't as if I could knock on a door and ask if someone inside was desperate and hurting. That's not very conducive to blending in.

"I became obsessed with the pain I was sensing...feeling. It wasn't my pain, obviously…but I felt it as if it were. And then one day, the feeling just…stopped. There was nothing. No emotion…no pain. Just nothing. I figured that the person must have killed themselves…or maybe died of natural causes. And even though there was relief in the loss of the pain, I found that I missed it."

Jasper was fucked up. There was nothing right or sane about him. Looking at him as he spoke only cemented my fate in my mind. He was going to hurt me…possibly kill me. And even in the middle of my understanding, all I could think about was Edward. He said he'd found Edward. The pain Jasper was describing had been from Edward.

"I was putting some files in storage in the basement," he continued, "and that was when I found him. I already told you the condition he was in, so I don't think we need to revisit that. But what was amazing to me was that he was a vampire like me. And even in his state…his sad, harrowing state…he was still beautiful. There was something delicate about him. Something I wanted to take care of. Something I wanted to be mine…"

My mind reeled at his words and I heard myself gasp. I didn't mean to make a sound, but I couldn't help it. His eyes shot to mine and darkened.

"Yes," he hissed slowly…like a snake. "I suppose the secret's out now. There's no need to hide it from you. Besides, I think it's only appropriate that you know why you remaining in his life is an impossibility."

"But he…" I started, before covering my lips with my hand.

"What?" Jasper said. "You think he doesn't love me? There are many forms of love, Bella. Surely, even as a human, you understand that. And one of the strongest kinds of love stems from gratitude and obligation. And Edward has an obligation to me, Bella. I fucking saved him. I took him in after that fucking doctor changed him and allowed him to run off. I nursed him back to health. Helped him work through his issues. Fuck, I even changed my own diet to make him happy because he refused to feed from humans after what happened to him."

His eyes slowly took in the line of my body, his terrifying stare meeting my eyes and causing me to tremble. Not that I'd ever stopped.

"He is in my debt, Bella. Don't you ever forget it. And I could have made him feel things for me. I could have manipulated his emotions for my own benefit. But I want him to come to me freely. It wasn't as if we didn't have a literal eternity for him to choose me. I was willing to wait. Would've waited for him forever. I never once doubted that he would eventually come to me…until I found out about you. And that he'd come _here_…for _them_."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was having a difficult time putting all the pieces together in my mind. None of it made sense – and yet, now that I knew what Jasper felt about Edward – all of it made sense. He was in love with him. He was in love with Edward and he had been for a very long time. And he saw me as a threat to what he wanted to happen. But I didn't know who _they_ were.

"Them?" I asked without thinking

In a flash, he was over me, straddling my thighs and sitting on my lap. It all happened so quickly, I didn't even see him move.

"Don't play stupid, Bella," he said. "I know he told you about them. About his maker. The good doctor and Esme. And I know that's why Edward is here."

His hands began to trace along my sides, up across my shoulders and then his hands covered my throat that constricted with fear.

"They came looking for him, you know," he said. "It was about a year after I'd found him. They'd tracked him until they reached a dead-end. I was the dead-end. You see, Edward thought he killed her…but he didn't. He just started the change. Carlisle allowed it to take place. He saved her. And I knew that if Edward knew the truth…he would want to be with them. After all, Carlisle was his maker. Not to mention the fact that if he knew he hadn't actually killed that woman, he would have nothing left to feel guilty about. There would be nothing left for him to ashamed of."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Esme was alive. She was alive, and Jasper knew. This whole fucking time he knew. And even though he would probably kill me for what I was about to say, I had to fucking say it.

"If you loved him…why?" I asked. "Why would you want the person you love to suffer like that? It must have killed him. It kills him still!"

My heart was broken for the man that I loved. I could still hear his voice...could see the devastation and shame on his face…and all of it was for nothing. His entire existence of feeling unloved and alone. He'd gone for decades feeling as if he didn't deserve love, when the whole time – _the entire fucking time_ – he'd had it. And he'd hated himself for nothing.

Looking at the monster over me, something snapped. I didn't care that he would kill me, because I wanted to kill him. I wanted him to suffer the way he'd made Edward suffer all these years. He was sick to the point of being a sociopath. He didn't think he'd done anything wrong. He only wanted what was good for him. And it made me hate him. He didn't love Edward. He didn't know what love was.

"Don't you judge me, you self-righteous bitch," he growled. "Even now, you hate me because of what I've done. You want to kill me…you want me to hurt the way you think I've hurt Edward. I can feel it. Your emotions read so clearly. Love makes you capable of many things. And you know nothing about the way I love him. You're incapable of the kind of love we feel."

He stopped abruptly, closing his eyes and leaning over me. His mouth brushed my own and I closed my lips instinctively.

"But he loves you," he whispered. "At least…he thinks he loves you. So, maybe…maybe…if I can fuck you the way that he fucked you…I can understand. And he'd never have to know."

His hands moved from my neck to my hair. His fingers ran through the strands on the pillow before moving to my scalp.

"I could kill you after," he said against my ear. "I could kill you and tell him that I came to see him. I could tell him that I slipped…that I'd fucked up and drained you. You know…the way he drained Esme. He would be angry…but he would have to understand. I could make him understand that I couldn't help it."

He sat up. I could feel the weight of his body pressing against my middle. My body was frozen. Frozen and afraid as I braced myself for what was about to happen. This was it. He was going to kill me. I was going to die in this unfamiliar hotel room at the hands of this man.

For the first time in my too-short life, I was thankful for the way my parents met the end of their lives. It was fast and without notice. They didn't have time to think about who and what they were leaving behind. And my only hope was that I would be with them again soon. But even with that hope, I knew that I would be leaving Edward behind and he would never know the truth of what happened to him. He would never know that he didn't kill Esme. He would never know that the man who changed him didn't hate him. That he loved him and even came to look for him.

"Did he fuck your mouth, _beautiful Bella_?" he said. "Did you suck him off? Did he come inside? What did he taste like?"

His vile words made me sick and I should have felt the bile rise again, but there was nothing. Just Jasper on top of me and the same forced calm I'd felt before. My beating heart slowed as the unnatural serenity enveloped me. But even then…my mind was my own. And so were my words.

"I will never tell you what it was like to be with Edward," I said slowly as tears poured from my eyes. I could feel the stream trickle down my face, dripping into my ears. "Because you…you would never understand it. But even if you kill me, you have to know that he will never…he will never love you the way that he loved me. And you can take my body, but it will never be what I gave to him."

I could feel his erection pressing against my stomach. I wondered how – if he was in love with another man – how could he be aroused by me at all?

But then…

My body began to tingle…I could feel heat between my legs. And my mind screamed and raged against the way I was feeling physically. I didn't want this…didn't want him. Why was I responding this way?

Jasper laughed as if he knew what I was feeling. His hands moved from my hair and down to my breasts. He cupped them in his hands, and his thumbs rubbed across my nipples.

"I'm going to lean back, darlin'," he said lowly. "And when I do, you're going to unbutton this shirt and let me see you…_all of you_."

I shook my head. He might force me, but I would never willingly give him anything.

I would sooner die.

He gripped me roughly, my soft flesh collapsing under his hard hands. It hurt and I wanted to cry out in pain, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. His sinister smile spoke volumes as he slid back further on my thighs. And he did nothing but stare at me for the longest time. I tried to retreat into my mind once more, but I was afraid that he would just hit me again to bring me back. So, I lay there silent and unmoving, holding his eyes with mine and waiting for whatever fate that was to come.

And then he spoke.

"I know you want it, beautiful Bella. I can make you want it."

~x~

~x~

~x~

I don't know if there are words to describe what I felt when the door to the room pushed open. I can't begin to tell you what I saw. Everything happened so quickly…too quickly. And yet, at the same time, it didn't happen quickly enough.

There was a gust of ice cold air and I heard the roar of Edward's voice just as I felt the weight of Jasper's body pulled from mine. I heard the strangled cry of my name from his mouth and a crashing sound against what I assumed was the wall.

The room spun…my world spun. And I thought that somehow, during all of the commotion, just the knowledge that he was there would be enough to center me and keep me from falling to pieces.

But I was wrong.

_I was so fucking wrong._

I couldn't stop shaking and wracking sobs overtook my body. It felt like every nerve I had was on fire. I felt as though every single emotion I was capable of was released, flooding the space around me as I drowned in them.

But still, I gasped for air.

There were voices and I could hear them, but I couldn't make out what was being said. The windows were shaking like the floor, but I knew that couldn't be right. Because what could make that happen?

And then I realized that my lungs were too small and I couldn't take in enough air. My chest burned and hurt as my mind and body continued to rage against itself. It was too much. It was all too much. And I wasn't sure I was okay even though I knew on some level that I was.

I closed my eyes tight, but when I did, I could see his eyes. Jasper's dark eyes. He was looking at me, but it wasn't real. It couldn't be real.

It just felt real.

_It felt so fucking real. _

And just like that, his hands were on my body again and I began to scream. Even though his hands were different. Even though, this time, they were gentle and not rough. This time, they were soothing and not hurtful. I couldn't stop screaming and I couldn't open my eyes.

And then there was nothing.

No sound.

No air.

Nothing.

~x~

~x~

~x~

A/N

Reviews are love.

And even though I know this was a tough chapter, please still leave me some love.

Marvar is amazing. And not in the generic way that you say someone is amazing. She is _literally_ amazing. This chapter has about 117 of her hard limits and she still beta'd and offered me constructive feedback. Along with holding my hand and discussing this with me while I wrote it.

ILYSFM, soulmate. Thank you for everything.

Raina is the best pre-reader ever. And my very dear friend. That's all.

A lot of questions were answered in this chapter. And I know there are still some more left to go. Thank you for sticking with me this long. I appreciate and adore each of you that take the time to read my words.

Love, Cosmo

::runs to hide::


	23. Solace

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 22**

I had always known Jasper was capable of evil. As vampires, we all were. It was almost as if it were destiny. Something you chose to embrace or struggled to deny. Having allowed myself to embrace the darker side of myself only once, I knew going forward from that moment, I would never allow myself to go to that place again. Could never have suffered the pain and guilt of hurting another person that way. And even though I was soulless and damned, I knew there was still some part of the human that remained somewhere deep inside. Someone with the remnants of a beating heart that echoed in my conscience.

Now, though, I understood that Jasper had never once tried to avoid his destiny. He just kept it hidden – tucked away and suppressed so that I would never see. I had never known. Not ever…not once. I could never have known exactly what he was capable of. And in the end, it would be the not knowing that would devastate me. Because how could I not know? How could I not understand? How could I not see the lengths he was willing to go to hurt me?

I could read Jasper's thoughts. Had always been able to, but I knew there were times when he protected them…shielded them. Even from me. I don't know how he did it, and I never resented or questioned it because I felt he deserved his privacy. I always assumed it was one of his many abilities. And I suppose that it was.

I could hear what he was thinking. As I flew toward the room, I could hear and feel each and every sick, twisted and dark fucking thought. He had Bella.

My Bella.

He had her on the bed, and she was underneath him. He was looking at her body and hatred seeped from his every pore. Gushed like an open wound. He wanted to kill her, but he wanted hurt her first. And from his thoughts, I could tell that he already had. To what extent, I didn't know.

"Please," I prayed, as my body raged with a fury I knew he would never survive if he'd hurt her…if he'd fucking touched her. "Please, let her be okay."

I didn't open the door. I ripped it from its hinges. His eyes lifted to mine with a sneer and his hands… _Oh, god._ His hands were on her. Against her breasts. His body was covering her, and I could smell the thick scent of his sex in the room. Could taste the salt of her tears in the air. My body tensed, and my voice thundered with vengeance. I would fucking destroy him. I fired off like a trigger as I launched myself toward the bed. I ripped him from her body and slammed him against the wall. His eyes were wild and maniacal as he hissed from the pain of the impact. He was resilient as he came back at me, though. He drilled into to my chest with a powerful blow. But I was prepared for his retaliation – taking the pain of the impact and feeding on it.

No…he would not survive.

He would never walk from this room alive or undead.

"She wanted it," he sneered. "She was so fucking wet for me."

The roar from my mouth caused the room to shake. The panes of glass in the windows vibrated with the evidence of my fury. My arm drew back and I struck him across the face with such force, he fell back and against the wall.

"Wet for me the same way she was wet for you," he continued. "You want to be with a whore like that? She's a whore, Edward. Nothing! A human fucking whore who would have given it up to me the same way she gave it to you."

I punched him again and felt his bones crack under my fist.

Blood seeped from his lip. It wasn't flowing, just an open gash that trickled down the side of his chin. He licked it quickly and I watched it the venom heal it before my eyes. I charged him, pressing his chest and holding him against the wall.

"I always knew you could be rough," he hissed. "Knew you could take me this way."

Suddenly, everything he was thinking came rushing to me with rapid clarity. The way he felt about me. The longing and needing…the depraved and sick way he manipulated me for so long. And then his thoughts shifted to Bella. The things he'd done to her…said to her. I could feel the fear she'd felt as he projected it onto me.

I put my hands around his throat and as they took hold, visions of him choking my Bella flooded his mind. I could feel her pain and fear, could feel her anxiety as she choked from the constricted airways. And then suddenly, I could hear her on the bed. She was gasping for air. She was literally choking. I wanted to drop my hands from him and go to her. She needed my help. She needed me, but I couldn't let him go. I couldn't release him until he was destroyed. He needed to pay for everything he'd done. But she was so small and fragile on the bed. And she was hurting. It was like she was dying.

"Don't underestimate me," he hissed. "I am far more powerful than you. And you just never saw it. You could never just see me!"

"You're not stronger than the both of us," a voice said slowly from the door.

A voice from my past.

A voice that both soothed and terrified me at the same time.

And then I felt a strong, sure hand upon my shoulder. I recognized his touch immediately and my body sagged and heaved as everything that was happening overwhelmed me.

"Carlisle," I choked. It was a breath…it was a cry.

I couldn't understand what was happening. I didn't know…couldn't begin to process it all. The only thing I knew – the only thing I was sure of – was that I couldn't release Jasper from my grip.

He had to pay for what he'd done.

He needed to suffer the same way he'd made my Bella suffer.

"There's no time, Edward," Carlisle said evenly. "There's already been too much commotion. If the authorities haven't been called yet, they will be soon. This must end. _It has to end now_."

Jasper's face flickered with fear for a moment, but was replaced with hatred and animosity as he said, "Well, if it isn't a fucking family reunion."

A growl erupted behind me that was primordial and animalistic as anything I was feeling. I felt the hand on my shoulder pull away and in a flash, Carlisle was behind Jasper, holding his arms and flanking him between the two of us. My mind spun and tried to find center, but there was none. There was only confusion and anger and my desperate fear as they all surged inside me.

"Edward," Carlisle said. "We don't have time."

"Don't listen to him, Edward," Jasper pled. "He hates you. He fucking hates you for what you did. Think about it. What you want to do to me right now…he wants to do the same thing to you. He wants to kill you for what you've done. What you did to that woman."

The piercing sound of Bella's choking sobs filled my ears. She had suffered so much and was crying hysterically…hyperventilating. She needed comfort, needed to know that everything would be okay. And nothing would be okay for her ever again. Not until Jasper was brought to justice.

A flashing movement on the bed caught my eye. I looked over and Esme was there, kneeling beside Bella. Touching her, trying to soothe her. She was there. Just like she'd been in the woods. And she was living…not a ghost. Not a figment of my imagination. And she was handling her with such care. But even as I continued to reel from everything that was happening, I couldn't release Jasper from my grip.

"Edward," Carlisle said sharply. "It needs to end. Now."

The voices in my head were loud and rampant. Steeling my eyes on Jasper's, I tried to listen…tried to focus.

"_So long_," I heard Carlisle's voice. "_We looked for you so long_."

He'd looked for me. He'd tried to find me and I never knew. All those years…all those fucking years of thinking that he hated me. That I'd killed the woman that he loved.

"_He told us you died. He said he'd found you…but that you'd died of malnutrition. That you'd starved. I didn't believe him, but we couldn't find you. And I didn't know. If I had known, I would never have stopped looking. I would have searched the entire world for you, Edward. My child…my son."_

And the realization of all the ways Jasper had hurt me was like a ton of bricks hitting me in the stomach. He was truly wicked and vile, an evil and manipulative being…and I never knew. Not like this. I'd never once known what he was capable of. And because I had never known, he was able to get to Bella. I'd allowed him to be in her presence. I'd left her unattended, and he came to her. Was going to rape and kill her.

And as if he knew what I was thinking, Jasper thought of Bella. How she felt under his hands. How she'd quivered and cried beneath him. He thought of her breasts in his hands…and he remembered the smell of her arousal that he'd forced upon her. Remembered the way it tasted in the air.

"_She would have loved it_," he thought. "_She would have loved my cock inside her_. _I would have filled her better than you. I would have made her come and cry my name._"

My emotions shifted from confusion back to rage. My hands squeezing his neck, as fury enveloped me. I was supposed to protect her – it was my responsibility to protect her. And she would never be safe in a word where he existed.

"Edward," Carlisle said. "Finish it now."

And then it was done.

By my hands, it was done.

~x~

~x~

~x~

"Go to her," Carlisle whispered. "Go to your love and feel her under your hands. I know you need to. Take care of her and know that she'll be okay. _You_ will be okay. We will deal with the body. It needs to burn…_he_ needs to burn."

I looked at him. I still had so many questions, but he was right. I couldn't think of anything but Bella. I went to the bed and Esme rose, she looked at me with her eyes that were still caramel. Although, they were blended with golden hues and flickered with warmth like the color. She was one of us now. She was a vampire, too.

"You need to take her from here," she whispered as I leaned down to pull Bella into my arms. "It's not safe for us to be here. Please take her to our home. She will be safe there."

_Their home?_

_Where was their home?_

"You can care for her there," she urged me. "You can care for her and we will be along after. She needs you now, Edward. She will need you to be strong for her."

Her voice was soft and comforting and full of so much strength. And almost as if he could hear what I was thinking, Carlisle spoke.

"And we can be strong for you."

Bella pressed into me, relaxing as she curled up in my arms. I wanted to crush her against me, but I didn't want to hurt her. Just holding her, feeling her breath, hearing her heartbeat and knowing she was okay was enough.

"My love," I cried softly. "My beautiful, beautiful girl. I'm so sorry."

"Edward," Carlisle said. "You need to go. We need to get out of here. Take my keys and go to our home. We will me you there when we are finished."

"Where…" I asked. "Where…where do you live?"

"5586 Birkshire."

~x~

~x~

~x~

Carlisle gave me directions and I carried Bella to her truck. I would have carried her in my arms and ran with her all the way to the address, but I didn't want to leave any evidence that she'd been at the hotel. I lay her down beside me with her head in my lap, and I turned on the heat and began to drive.

Keeping on hand on her, I stroked her softly and whispered to her that she was okay, that she was safe and that I would never let anything hurt her again.

_It could have been worse._

_It could have been so much worse._

She shifted in her sleep, turning her body and clinging to me.

"Edward," she whispered. "Edward."

"I'm right here," I told her, stroking her hair. Needing to touch her just like Carlisle said – needing to know that she was okay. "I'm right here, Bella, and I'll never leave you alone again."

I was still so shaken from the knowledge that Esme was still alive. Not only that, but that Carlisle had looked for me. That he didn't hate me. Even after everything I'd done. But even in the midst of that knowledge, even though my entire existence seemed to hinge on that news, I found that it didn't matter. Not as much as _she_ mattered. Nothing was as important has her.

Nothing at all.

Not them.

Not me.

When I turned onto Birkshire, I noticed that it was a quiet neighborhood. It was affluent yet understated. The homes were large and spread apart. It wasn't grand by any stretch of the imagination, but it was nice…peaceful.

I parked Bella's truck in the driveway and being so very careful with her, I lifted her into my arms and carried her up to the house. She murmured quietly, and her body trembled. I wondered if she was dreaming, and I hoped like hell that _he_ wasn't in her dreams. Feeling angry and protective, I pulled her closer and whispered to her again.

I opened the door with the keys that Carlisle gave me and I walked inside. I didn't turn on any lights because I could see clearly and I didn't want to wake her. I made my way up the stairs and looked for a bedroom in which to take her. There was a door to my left, and I opened it. The room was big, and there was a bed in the center. It didn't look like anyone used this room, so I figured it would be okay.

I walked over to the bed and gently placed her on the mattress. The moment her body left my arms, she woke with a scream that turned into a sob. The sound broke my heart and I could have cried, I would have cried with her. If it had been possible, I would have taken all of her pain and bore it myself.

"No!" she screamed. "Edward…"

Her eyes opened and she looked around frantically. Her eyes were blinking rapidly, and I could see her panic in the light of the room. I reached out to comfort her, to tell her that I was there with her, but the moment my hand touched her face, her panic doubled and she screamed even louder.

"Bella," I said. "Please…oh, God...oh, Bella…I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

She twisted on the bed, pulling her knees to her chest and curling up into the fetal position. And I kneeled beside her on the floor, feeling so fucking helpless and worthless. Wanting so much to help her, to console and reassure her…and failing her again.

This was all my fault.

I never should have left her alone.

She could hate me now – had every right to hate me for leaving her alone and vulnerable.

Her sobs slowed down, turning into sniffled and quiet hiccoughs. And my heart shattered more with every sound. I ached to touch her again. I needed to tell her – to reassure her that I loved her. That I would never hurt her…fucking ever. That I would – and did – kill anyone who caused her harm. But how was that reassuring? I wondered.

"Edward?" she asked softly, her voice breaking.

"I'm here," I whispered, reaching out to her, though I didn't touch. "I'm right here, Bella."

"I…I…I can't see you," she cried. "It's so…it's too dark."

Rising from the floor, I walked to the bathroom off the side of the room. I flicked on the switch, causing a gentle glow to illuminate the room where she lay. I walked back to the side of the bed. Slowly…tentatively. I didn't want to frighten her any more than she already was.

"You came," she said. "You came back…and you…you saved me."

I fell to my knees beside the bed, my eyes cast down to the floor. I wanted to look at her – needed her to know that I would always come for her. But shame covered me as I realized that I was the reason she needed to be saved in the first place.

"I failed you," I whispered. "I failed you and I'm…I'm just so fucking sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm so sorry I left you when I did. I should have….I should have known it wouldn't be safe. I should have known that he would follow us. I should have been able to hear him. And I didn't…I couldn't."

"Please," she whispered and my eyes looked up to hers. They were so sad and scared and confused. "Please…"

"Anything," I said, meaning with everything I had. "Bella…anything."

"Why aren't you…?" she started to ask something and I didn't know what it was. "Is it because…? I mean…I understand if…"

Her voice broke off as she started crying again. This time, there were no hysterics. It was soft crying as she wrapped even further around herself. Trying to soothe herself. And I wished I could read her mind – needed to know what she was thinking. Wanted to know how I could best help her.

"I…I need you," she said softly…finally.

_She needed me._

"I didn't know," I whispered. "I wasn't sure if I should…I don't want to scare you, Bella. To hurt you anymore than you've already been hurt. You were so frightened when you woke."

"This," she said. "All of this hurts, but I need you to…I need you to…hold me."

So fucking quickly, I moved. And I was beside her on the bed, pulling her into my arms. I held her gently, rocking her as she cried into the stone of my chest. Her body was tense, but she came to me willingly, allowing me to hold and reassure her that she was safe. That I would never let anyone hurt her again. I'm not sure how long she cried, I only cared that she was safe. With me, she was safe and secure and I would hold her as long as she needed me to.

Eventually, I felt the tension ease out of her shoulders. Heaving a shaky sigh, she pressed herself closer against me. I increased my hold, softly stroking her back and kissing her temple. No words were spoken between us. I knew she would talk when she was ready. I hoped she would talk when she was ready, but I wasn't going to push her. My body warmed as I felt her breath against my neck, and I shivered when I felt the soft brush of her lips against my chest. Even if I couldn't understand how she could offer me any comfort at all.

"Where are we?" she whispered. "Where did you bring us?"

"Somewhere safe," I told her honestly, not really wanting her to focus on anything other than herself. The rest would still be there when she was ready. "No one will hurt you here."

I could smell her tears before they even began again. And I could feel her body tremble as she seemed to be remembering something. I could only imagine what had taken place before I got there. And even though he was dead – even though I killed him with my own hands – I wanted him to suffer again.

"Where did he go?" she whispered. "I-I'm not sure what happened after…after I blacked out."

I wasn't sure if I should tell her the truth. I wasn't sure if knowing what I'd done would only scare her more. But I decided that there could be nothing but the truth between us. And I wanted her to know that there was no way he could ever hurt her again. He would never be near her again.

"I killed him," I said low and rough.

Her head moved back and I was terrified that by telling her, I'd done the wrong thing. Her wet eyes looked at mine and her voice trembled as she spoke.

"You did?"

I nodded my head solemnly before I spoke.

"I did," I said. "He will never touch you or hurt you again."

Something steeled inside her eyes. Something strong and determined and just fucking like her. She had been through so much in her young life. Had suffered so much and still she was beautiful. She was still a fucking survivor, and it made me love her all the more.

"Good," she said simply…quietly. "He deserved to die."

She placed her head back on my chest, and I could feel the gentle tug and release of her hand gripping my shirt. I could feel her perfect heart beating against my chest, and I found myself counting the beats, thanking god for each one and the fact that she was alive and still with me.

"I can still smell him," she said after a while. "I feel like he's still around me…covering me. On my clothes…against my skin."

"Bella," I whispered. "Did he…I need to know if…are you okay?"

She began to cry harder, and I cursed myself silently for asking. I should have let her talk to me when she was ready.

"I'm sorry," whispered. "I'm so fucking sorry. It's okay. It will all be okay."

I rocked her slowly and made hushing noises. And she wept against me in a steady stream of tears and hot breaths.

"I need to take a shower," she whispered. "I have to...I want to…I need to be clean. I won't be able to stand it until I can't smell him anymore."

With every word she became more panicked. She pushed herself up and began to unbutton her blouse. She ripped it from her body and scrambled from the bed. I stood up, unsure of how I should handle myself, didn't know what I should do. Would she want me with her? Would that only frighten her more?

She went into the bathroom and turned the water on, and I stood in the bedroom, raking my hands through my hair and wanting so much to be what it was she needed me to be. I heard the sound of her clothing hit the floor and then I heard the heartbreaking sound of her soft sobbing. And then I knew…I had to go to her.

"Oh, my Bella," I rasped as I stood in the doorway. She was standing there naked, her back to me and her face in her hands. "What can I do? Tell me…what do you…what do you need for me to do?"

This only caused her to cry harder and my hands reached out into the air, needing to hold her…to give her…

_Anything._

_I would have given her anything._

"Stay with me," she cried. "I don't…I don't want to be alone."

I went to her. Standing behind her, I wrapped myself around her and pulled her back to my chest. She came to me easily, willingly. I felt her sag against me, her head falling back.

I opened the glass door to the shower before picking her up and holding her in my arms. I reached my hand out and tested the water, wanting to make sure the temperature was okay. When I was sure that it was, I stepped inside with her. I left my own clothes on, wanting her to know that she was safe with me – that this was about caring for her and absolutely nothing else.

I felt the hot spray hit us and when it did, her body relaxed in my arms.

"Do you think you can stand?" I asked.

She nodded her head, and I slowly lowered her to the tile floor. She leaned her head back and with her eyes closed, she let the water hit her face. She opened her mouth, taking some in and I felt her hands slide down from her chest. They found mine that were clasped around her stomach and she held onto them tightly.

And then she cried.

We stood there for several minutes, letting the water cover us. The steam swirled thick and heavy in the air, and I held onto her, sustaining her weight with my body. I tried to focus on the pattern of her breathing, the steady beat of her heart. Holding her in my arms, I knew. In that moment, I knew that no one could ever love anything or anyone as much or as deeply as I loved her. And the fact that she allowed me to hold her – to take care of her in that way – gave me hope that she knew. And that she loved me the same way.

"I'm going to wash you," I whispered, looking around to see if there was any soap in the shower, my eyes landing on a small white bar to the side. I felt her tense up, and I stilled. "Is that…is that okay? I won't…I mean…I don't have to…if you don't want me to."

"Please," she said, turning her head up to look at me. "Just…just please, don't let me go."

"Never," I told her.

Not in the shower.

And not ever, ever again.

I took the bar in one hand, holding her steady with the other. I began to wash her back slowly, carefully so as not to hurt or scare her. I felt her shudder and then sigh, easing me in a way that words never could. With renewed purpose, I began to bathe her. I covered every inch of her skin with the soap. It smelled of roses and bergamot. Beautiful and subtle…feminine like her.

I rubbed her arms as I washed her, paying attention to her shoulders and trying to help her to relax. When I moved my hand to her front, I bathed her chest and her stomach, avoiding her breasts, still needing to know that she would always be safe with me. That her body was perfect and belonged only to her. When I was finished, she turned in my arms, wrapped her arms around my neck…and my Bella allowed me to pick her up again and I carried her from the shower.

I wrapped her in white towels from the closet, making sure to dry every inch of her perfect, flushed skin. And I carried her back to bed and lay her naked body down beneath the covers.

She sighed heavily, her breathing deep as she curled to her side. And I kneeled beside her, content to watch her from the floor.

"Sleep," I murmured quietly. "Sleep for me, my love. I'll be here. I'll be right here when you wake up."

She reached out and touched my face, her welling eyes opened as she looked me, her thumb tracing the line of my bottom lip.

"You took such care with me," she said. "You…you take such care of me.

I bowed my head for a moment, shame covering me once again as I remembered how I'd failed her.

"This isn't…" she whispered. "This isn't your fault."

I wanted to disagree, but I didn't want to upset her. So I offered her the only words I had.

"I'm sorry, Bella."

She looked at me, her brown eyes soft and unafraid.

"Please, come to bed," she said. "I need you…I need you to hold me. I feel safer in your arms."

I looked down at my wet clothes, knowing that I could never get into bed with her like that.

"I'll stay right here," I whispered. I'll be right here. I'll hold your hand all night long."

"But I want you to hold me."

She said nothing else, maybe because she knew she didn't need to. Maybe because she knew there was nothing left to say.

_I needed to hold her, too._

I stood up and slowly removed my clothes, drying my skin with the same towels I'd used on her. I didn't look at her as I undressed, but I could feel her eyes upon my skin. And I went to the bed, crawling in where she'd made space and I pulled her to my body, covering her up so that she would stay warm.

"There's so much I need to tell you," she whispered.

"Shh…" I hushed her. "You can tell me when you wake."

She nodded her head against my chest and I held her as close as I could without hurting her.

"I love you," she whispered, and I could swear I felt my heart beat.

"Oh, Bella," I said. "I love you, too."

~x~

~x~

~x~

Bella was sleeping soundly when I heard Carlisle and Esme arrive home a while later. I still had so many questions, but nothing could pull me away from the woman in my arms.

I heard soft footfalls outside the door and one of them stopped.

"_It's done_," I heard his thoughts. "_I know we have much to discuss, but we will be here whenever you resurface. Our home is your home, Edward. Yours and your love's. Please, stay with us as long as you need, my son._"

Bella shifted in my arms, pulling my attention back to her. I looked down at her, the soft light from the bathroom casting a glow on her face. Her lips were slightly parted and her breathing was soft and rhythmic.

She was relaxed.

She was resting.

She felt safe enough to do both those things with me.

As if she knew I needed it, she whispered my name once more as she nuzzled deeper into my chest. And even though the night had been traumatic, there was so much in that moment to give me hope.

~x~

~x~

~x~

A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

Thanks to each and every person reading. I still appreciate you so much. I tried to prove it this time by posting early instead of apologizing for being late. Hope you like this approach better.

Marvar is the best beta ever. She's also my bestie. She fills my heart…and my iPhone.

Thank you for everything, soulmate. I totally wouldn't be doing this without you.

Thanks to Raina for pre-reading and being her wonderful, supportive self. Your feedback is always appreciated and important.


	24. Restoration

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Chapter 23**

Shut down.

My body and mind completely shut down as I fell asleep in Edward's arms. I didn't know where we were or why the space seemed so safe. Maybe it was the warmth of the room or the delicate fragrance of the soap that still lingered on my skin and his. Maybe it was simply him. His arms, his comfort, and in the end, maybe it was just his love. But whatever it was, my body understood that I was protected. That I was safe. It understood more than my heart and mind…and I rested.

If I moved, I didn't know.

If I dreamed, I couldn't remember.

The drapes in the room were closed when I woke, but I could see the hint of daylight peeking through the fabric. I didn't know what time it was or how long I'd slept; I only knew that Edward was still in the same place he'd been when I'd fallen asleep in his arms. I was wrapped in the softest sheets and blankets I'd ever felt and Edward lay naked on top of them. My head was on his chest and my hand was on his stomach and without thinking, I began to stroke his smooth, cool skin.

"You're awake," he whispered.

I simply nodded my head and continued petting him, fascinated by the way his body responded to my touch. The way his abdomen clenched…the way his muscles flexed. Nothing more was said and after a few moments, I turned my head up toward him and met his yellow eyes. They were soft. Piercing. There was so much concern and love and I knew that no matter what happened to me the night before, Edward had saved my life.

And the truth was Edward had saved my life the first moment I saw his name spelled out on the Ouija board.

"I'm sorry," I heard him say. "I'm so sorry, Bella."

Only I was looking at him, and he wasn't speaking at all. I could hear him just as if he was, though. Just as vividly as if he'd said the words out loud. I still couldn't understand how that worked…and why it only worked with him.

"Please don't," I whispered to him, looking him in the eyes so he would know I meant it. "Don't be sorry. Please…just…please, just don't."

Both of us took a moment to acknowledge silently that I could hear him. His thoughts.

"I never should have left you."

"You couldn't have known what would happen," I said. "There's no way you could have known…I mean…you didn't know what he was…capable of."

Darkness covered me as I remembered the things Jasper said to me. The ways in which he'd manipulated and controlled Edward for so long. The way he'd lied and deceived…

_Oh, God…_

_Edward still didn't know._

Twisting quickly in his arms, I sat up and faced him. His face fell, but still he reached out to me. I had to tell him. He still didn't know the truth. He didn't know that Esme was still alive. That he hadn't killed her.

"Bella?" he asked. "Bella, what's wrong?"

"Oh, Edward," I said, stupid tears filling my eyes. I wiped at them furiously, needing so much to be strong for him. "There are things…things I need to tell you. Things you need to know."

Panic crossed his face as I spoke. A kind of fear that I'd never seen from Edward before. And then he sat up and pulled me against him, holding me close to the point that he was crushing me.

"He didn't…" he said, gripping me tightly, "I got there in time…before he could….he didn't…_hurt _you, did he, Bella?"

His eyes grew darker as he looked at me. Filled with concern and a pain that was angry and dark. Just like Jasper.

"No," I told him softly. "He didn't hurt me. Not like that. Not in the way you're thinking about."

I paused, wondering if I should tell him exactly what happened. Considering how much he actually needed to know. The truth was, what Jasper had done to me was the most brutal and terrifying thing that had ever happened to me. But only physically. And I knew that telling Edward everything would cause him a great deal of pain and guilt. And the simple truth was, if I had it within my power to keep him from suffering anymore, that was exactly what I was going to do. Jasper – even in his death – would hold no more control over Edward.

I would see to it.

I wouldn't allow it.

Not when I was safe. Not when everything was okay and I was with him…wherever we were.

Edward sat up fully and I settled into his embrace. I wrapped my arms and legs around him, pressing my face into the curve where his neck met his shoulder. And I breathed. Deeply. And with each breath, my resolve grew as well as my returning strength.

"He did hurt you," he whispered, the soft, soothing sound of his voice breaking through his thoughts. "You should never have been hurt. You should never _be_ hurt. You…you've had enough pain in your life and I'm so sorry that my presence has only caused you more."

"Stop that," I said against his cool skin. I pressed three soft kissed to his neck and felt his tensing muscles as he swallowed. Then, I pulled back so I could look into his eyes. "Don't you know? There is nothing I wouldn't endure for you. Nothing, Edward. What happened last night was horrible. But you came back. You got there in time and he wasn't able to…" my words halted as if they were unable to even voice what Jasper would have done. I held his gaze, felt him in my arms. Could hear the heavy weight he carried and I hated that he was burdened so much with all of this. Hated even more that over the course of his entire life…he'd felt this way. Was made to feel this way. "You made sure he didn't really hurt me. And if last night had to happen so that you…_so that we_…could get some peace, I would go through it all again."

"I never wanted you to get hurt," he said. "Since the moment I met you… Fuck. Since the moment I first saw you, I wanted to protect you. I…I wanted to know you. I wanted to love you, Bella. Even in the beginning." His hand reached up and pushed my hair from my face. His touch was soft. Reverent. It made me want to cry. "I didn't understand it, then. The protective urge…the curious desire. I'd never felt it before. But the moment I touched you, the moment I held your sleeping body in my arms…I knew. My heart knew…even if my mind didn't. And I can't help but feel like I failed you last night. I never should have left you unprotected. I should have…I should have known. I should have heard him…but I didn't."

"Listen to me, Edward," I told him, bringing my hand up to his and covering it. "You can't protect me all the time. And as much as I want to, I can't protect you either. Not constantly. What happened last night…well, it happened. There's no taking it back. It was awful and it was scary. But I made it through…and I made it through because of you. We made it through together."

I held his gaze, wanting him to see the truth of my words. And his golden orbs were intense and questioning. Like, he wasn't sure I believed what I was saying. His thoughts were scattered and rampant, but they were reflected in his eyes. But that just wasn't an option. He fucking had to believe me.

"You didn't kill Esme," I blurted out. I couldn't keep the words in any longer. He needed to know. He needed to understand and he deserved to be able to release the pain and guilt that he'd carried with him for so long. "You didn't…you didn't kill her."

I waited for his surprise…for the vehement contradiction that I knew was coming. But it didn't. There was no staggering shock on his face….nothing stunned about his thoughts. I didn't understand. I remembered the way he'd broken down when I held him in my arms at his house…when he finally told me his story. But he just looked at me with soft eyes that penetrated me…down to my very soul.

He knew.

He knew the truth.

I just didn't know how.

"Bella," he whispered, pushing my tangled hair away from my face. "I know the truth. Now. Now I know the truth."

"But…but how?" I asked him, my voice shaking. "Did he… Did Jasper tell you? Because he did tell me. He told me everything. He told me how he…found you."

Images of what Jasper described filled my head. Pictures of Edward and how broken he was. I remembered how desperate and sad Jasper said he was. So much sadness that Jasper could feel it when he couldn't even see him. I couldn't bear it – what I was seeing. So, I closed my eyes and held onto him tighter, pulling him close…so fucking thankful that he'd survived. He'd survived all that and I knew – inside my heart I knew – he'd survived so he could find me.

"I know," he whispered again. "I know, Bella."

"And oh, god, Edward," I continued, unable to stop myself from telling him everything. "He told me that Carlisle came looking for you. He wanted to find you all those years ago…"

Hot tears spilled out of my eyes and over my cheeks and Edward just pulled me close. Like it was me who needed comfort – not him. And I felt stupid and shaky because all I wanted to do was soothe him. All I wanted to do was love him enough that he would know that there were people in his life that didn't manipulate and control. There were people that would love him selflessly and that he would never have to be alone…he would never have to be lonely again.

Because that was it, wasn't it? That was what he'd spent his entire existence feeling. Edward was lonely…solitary and withdrawn, keeping Jasper in his life because he thought he was the only person in his life that ever cared at all. But it was all a lie. It was all sick and wrong and dark…and because of that, Edward felt he was sick and wrong and dark, too. That was why he felt so undeserving. That was why he came to me with no expectation, like he didn't deserve any of the love I had to offer.

"Shhh…" he hushed me softly. "Calm down…please, Bella. I know. I know everything."

"How?" I whimpered, breathing in and trying to calm down. "How do you know? Did he tell you? After you came in, did he tell you?"

It was possible. I pretty much blacked out after Edward pulled him from my body. But I couldn't imagine that Jasper would have so easily confessed what he'd held secret for so long.

"No…he didn't. Not really. Bella…" he said, pausing and looking down at me. "After I came in and I saw you on the bed…"

He stopped talking; his eyes and expression grew dark. I didn't have to imagine what he was thinking. I could hear his thoughts – could see what he was seeing in his mind. And what I saw – how I saw myself in his mind's eye – took me back to that place and I had to fight the overwhelming panic that rose up inside me. I took a deep breath and looked around. I forced myself to remember that I was safe. That I was there in Edward's arms and Jasper was gone. He was dead…and he couldn't hurt either of us anymore.

"I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I'm so fucking sorry that there wasn't anyone there to protect you. To keep you safe and….love you. Because I love you, Edward. I love you and Carlisle…Carlisle loved you, too. He…he came looking for you. He came…but Jasper sent him away. Jasper lied to him the same way that he lied to you for all those years."

Edward stilled in my arms as I spoke. He went completely rigid, and when I looked at him, his thoughts washed over me in a rush of love and gratitude…of surprise and shock.

_You love me._

_You really fucking love me that much._

They were questions as much as declarations.

"How can you still not know?" I asked. "How can you still not believe me when I tell you?"

I placed my hands on the cool, angled cheeks of his worried face. I gripped him hard, but he didn't even seem fazed.

"This ends," I whispered roughly. "This ends right now. You have to believe me. I love you, Edward. I think I've loved you all along. I think I loved you before I ever knew you were real."

His face inched forward – so close to mine that I could feel his deep breaths against my skin. My heart was pounding and as much as I wanted to just cover his mouth and kiss him until I made him believe, I waited. I waited because I needed him to come to me. I needed him to show me that yes…this was fucking forever.

"Bella," he said. "Bella…I have loved you since the first moment I saw you all those nights ago. I loved you from the moment I saw you there on the dark street outside the bar. I didn't understand it, but you captivated me so much…when no one ever had before. I loved you from the first moment I decided to follow you home. I loved you while I stood outside your house and watched you from the shadows. And even though there were a million questions in my mind…and even thought I fought it with every beat of your beautiful heart…I loved you from the moment you whispered my name on the porch in the dark."

His mouth covered mine – soft and sweet and desperate. And I pulled his face closer, kissing him back and breathing him in as his tongue slipped inside. I could feel everything else slipping away. Not like it hadn't happened, but when I was there with him like that, it was like it didn't matter. All that mattered was him…me…the two of us together.

I slipped my arms around him as he kissed me deeper. My legs stretched and curled around his waist. I could feel him underneath me, growing hard and pushing up against the very naked and open part of me that silently begged to be filled. With him. With all of him….and I wanted him over and over and over again. I wanted him like this – and I wanted him like this forever.

I could hear his fear – could hear his trepidation and concern. And it was then that I knew, what almost happened to me was horrible, but it hadn't happened. And I wouldn't allow fear – his or mine – to stop what was happening between us.

Not ever.

My tongue pressed against his, and even though I could tell he was being careful, I pressed harder…deeper.

"Please," I whispered into his mouth. "Please…please…don't stop. Please, don't stop, Edward."

"Oh, god, Bella…" he groaned back. "It's too much…too soon."

His cock twitched beneath me. I could feel it against my wet skin. And as he sucked my tongue, I pushed myself down harder against him, grinding and needy and wanting him inside.

"It's not…" I said, looking into his eyes. "It's _not_ too soon. Don't you want me? Don't you want me the way I want you?"

His hand cupped my face, his thumb dragging across my bottom lip. His eyes were dark and conflicted, but his thoughts weren't. I heard them…and then he spoke.

"I do," he said. "I want you…you know I want you. But Bella…we're not alone."

~x~

~x~

~x~

I still couldn't believe that we were at Carlisle and Esme's house – that this was the safe place he'd brought me to the night before. I couldn't believe that they were actually here…and had been so close to him this whole time. And I couldn't stop staring at them as Esme poured tea for me. The teapot was delicate, feminine…just like her. Just like her clothes that I was wearing. And both of them were beautiful. Breathtaking, just like Edward. Carlisle sat in the chair to my left, while Edward sat next to me on the couch to my right, holding my hand. And in the silence that surrounded us, Carlisle never once took his eyes from Edward.

I squeezed his hand gently, sensing his nerves. And as Esme placed the teacup in front of me, she offered me a soft smile and knowing look. And I don't know why, but I felt comfortable.

They were good and loving people.

Vampires.

Esme was the first to break the silence as she sat down on the arm of Carlisle's chair.

"Bella…sweetheart, how are you?"

Edward pulled his hand from mine and wrapped his arm around me. I pressed my body closer into his, taking comfort in his embrace. And drawing in a deep breath, I spoke.

"I'm good…I mean…well, I mean I'm okay."

"Please, dear…drink some tea. Or I have some food in the kitchen. I didn't know what you liked, but I went to the market this morning. You must be hungry."

I just shook my head. I wasn't ready to eat, but out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Edward staring at her. His thoughts were still confounded. He couldn't believe that she was there…that she was alive. And as if he could hear Edward's thoughts, too…Carlisle spoke up for the first time.

"Edward," he said, his voice breaking just a bit. "We looked for you. For so long…we searched. Both of us." He looked up at Esme and she smiled softly down at him. "You…you don't know what it means that you're here…that we…that Esme…found you."

Edward turned to complete stone next to me and I wrapped my arms around him, wanting him to know that I was there for him as much as he was there for me. His arm that was wrapped around me still held on to me tight.

"It's okay," I told him, ignoring everyone else in the room. "You can do this. I'm right here."

"I thought…" he whispered so quietly, I wondered if anyone could hear him. "I thought I killed you."

He was looking at Esme, but then he looked back to Carlisle. I couldn't see their faces because I was only looking at him – I could only see his pain, could only hear his distress.

"I was so ashamed after…after…what I did. I was just so…I just…I fucked up," he admitted, his shoulders sagging, his voice rough. "And I thought…I thought you hated me. I saw your eyes. I heard it in your thoughts. You…you wanted to kill me."

"Oh, Edward," Esme breathed.

"Edward…please," Carlisle said. "I'm the one who should be apologizing. I never should have left you alone that day. I never should have… I should have known better. I should have protected you…more. I should have protected you, Edward."

Edward's eyes lifted and he looked at Esme. Her eyes were still soft, and though she wasn't crying, I had the distinct feeling that she would have been if she could.

That all of them would.

"How can you ever forgive me for what I did?" Edward asked her. "How can either of you ever forgive me?"

I hated the tone of his voice. I hated his shame and I hated that he still felt like he'd failed them, when the truth was there was no right and wrong in this situation. It was blacks and whites mixing into this desperate and sad shade of grey. They were both wrong…they had both failed. Not just each other, but themselves as well.

"Edward, I know you wish you could change what happened," Carlisle said. "But I can say with complete and utter confidence, that if I could go back and change it, I wouldn't. You gave me what I never would have had the strength to take for myself. You gave me the love of my life…the love of my existence. I was terrified that she was dead. That's why…that's why I couldn't run after you. But you need to know that once she was okay, I searched for you. I looked for you for so long. You are the only one…the only one I ever changed. You…Edward, you're my family."

All of Edward's breath eased out of him in one long sigh. He sat there motionless, and even though I tried, I couldn't hear what he was thinking. And we all sat there, silent and waiting for him to speak.

Something.

Anything.

"You…you really feel that way?" he finally asked.

"Oh, Edward," Esme said, launching herself across the small space and pulling him from me into her arms. "We really, truly do."

After a long moment, she released him and he looked down at me. And there was this light in his eyes I'd never seen. There was this hope. I could feel his emotions; I could hear his rapid thoughts. Everything was too much for him to bear – too happy and relieved for him to comprehend.

Carlisle stood slowly and Edward turned to watch him. They both looked at each other before Edward looked back at me.

"It's okay," I whispered. "Everything's going to be okay."

And for the first time – maybe in his whole life – he thought it would be.

I watched as the two men crossed the distance between them, and they embraced.

And I knew my words were right.

Everything would be okay.

~x~

~x~

~x~

We barely closed the door to the guest room when Edward pulled me into his arms. His mouth covered mine and he kissed me deeply…slowly. I clung to him, gripping his shoulders and feeling his happiness and relief cover me like a blanket.

"I love you," he breathed. "Bella, I'm in love with you."

It wasn't the first time he'd said the words, but something about them seemed urgent…something about him seemed resolved.

"I love you, too," I told him. "So fucking much."

It was the absolute truth and it didn't matter to me that all of this was crazy. What and who he was didn't matter – all I knew was that I was supposed to be with him. We were supposed to find each other and love each other this way.

My whole life had been leading up to this point.

Every second of every single day had led me to him.

His hands found the hem of the cashmere sweater I was wearing, and I raised my arms as he pulled it from my body. His tongue licked a cold trail down my neck and I shuddered as he sucked the skin there. He lifted me up into his arms and carried me to the bed. And my body opened to him as he covered me with his.

It felt real.

It felt so fucking right.

All of it.

Everything.

"Tell me you want me," he rasped in my ear.

"I want you."

"Tell me you're mine."

"There's no one else," I gasped. "There's only ever been you."

"Tell me it's forever, Bella," he said before kissing me hard.

Penetrating.

Deep.

"That's what I want." I whispered; my body and mind fevered with his words, his body…him.

I wasn't listening to his thoughts; I could only focus on his words…the way he was kissing me…the way he was touching me. And maybe that's why I was so entirely shocked at what he said next.

Stunned and shaken to my very core.

"Bella," he whispered roughly, pushing himself up above me and looking into my eyes. "I want to be with you…always. I'm asking you…_please_…I'm begging you to let me change you. Be with me forever."

My body and heart and entire being said yes.

But my mouth…my mouth said, "No."

~x~

~x~

~x~

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**I know this update has been too long coming. And for that, I apologize. I don't know what to say except the words weren't there. And I love this story too much to just write something that isn't in line with the rest of what I've written. Thank you for your patience and as always…thank you so much for reading. **

**I am over a thousand words into the next and final chapter. I hope to update and complete in the next couple weeks.**

**Thanks to Raina for pre-reading and for encouraging me to write every single day.**

**And thanks and love to Marvar who always knows what to say and who honestly makes every single thing I write so much fucking better. Really, you have no idea. I love you, soulmate.**

**Recc:**

**So, I know it's been forever since I've actually recc'd a fic, but I am reading the most wonderful story ever. And every time it updates, I get really excited!**

**Outbound by aftrnoondlight**

**This is a collaboration by jaimearkin and aftrnoondlight and there are seriously no words to tell you how much I'm loving it. It's hot and sweet and just fucking... Gah! It's perfect. The words are so pretty and the characters are so real. And you will love it from the first sentence. **

**Go. Read. Love.**


	25. Epilogue

**~/\~**

~x~

~x~

~x~

**Epilogue**

It was a kind of happiness I couldn't fathom. A blissful weight I could barely hold. Bella was safe and happy and in my arms…loving me and kissing me, while my family was somewhere else inside the house.

Family.

I'd never had one.

And now I did…that and so much fucking more.

The entire day had been cathartic, healing in ways I never imagined. For me, for her…for all of us, really. Watching Bella sleep in my arms the night before had been both wonderful and painful. Knowing she was safe – knowing that I was keeping her safe – centered me. Calmed me. But knowing that she had suffered at the hands of someone from my life devastated me and continued to plague me as we lay there in the darkness.

But when she woke up, she knew. She knew exactly what I needed and she opened herself up to me. She showed me – more than anyone – what my life was capable of being. And with her in my life, I knew that I would be happy. I knew that I was blessed beyond measure. What once seemed so dark and lonely, so unfulfilled and desolate…now had promise. I could finally be happy. And I could be happy with her.

Bella.

My life.

My mate.

It wasn't until we left Carlisle and Esme and went back to the bedroom that I knew. It wasn't until I felt her under my hands, until I tasted her sweet breath and skin on my tongue…

She had to be mine.

And it had to be forever.

I could feel the blood pulsing under her skin, rushing through her veins like it was calling out to me. I could smell the sweetness of her arousal in the air. She still wanted me – even after everything that happened – she still responded to my touch, to my words. Just the way I fucking needed her to.

My body surged and called out to her as I held her close, removing the sweater that she wore. My cock was painfully erect; its only requisite to be inside her.

To fill her wet heat.

To consume her.

To make her mine.

Completely.

And I could now. She had seen, and I had seen what love in this endless life could be like. Carlisle and Esme were together. They were living their lives. Mated. In love. And it could be the same for us. We could be together. We could love each other…and it would be forever.

I carried her to the bed. She was nothing in my arms, but the weight of what I was about to ask her was so great. I didn't allow myself to think of all the reasons she should say no. I couldn't let myself go back to that darkness when she offered so much light. So much hope. Her body and soul and heart a place that I could finally, finally call home.

Her body trembled under mine. I could feel the rapid and relentless beat of her heart. Her beautiful, caring, and forgiving heart. And I knew that she was right. After everything that happened – I knew she was telling the truth. There was _nothing_ she wouldn't endure for me. She was so fucking strong – a warrior. She had already endured so much in her short life.

And I was going to ask her to endure one more thing.

"Tell me you want me," I commanded, needing to know. Needing to hear the words.

"I want you."

Her voice was nothing but a breath, a whisper meant only for me. And I heard it. I fucking loved it.

"Tell me you're mine."

"There's no one else," she gasped. "There's only ever been you."

And looking down at her, I knew it was true. I think I'd known all along. I remembered her lying naked in her bed…her body calling out to me and begging to be claimed. By me. Only by me.

And then the word was on my tongue…the tip…just waiting for me to say it. To speak it out loud, so I could show her, tell her what I wanted.

What I fucking needed.

Forever.

"Tell me it's forever, Bella," the rough words fell from my mouth in a rough breath. Demanding yet questioning. And I couldn't wait for her response, so I covered her mouth with mine. Tasting, thrusting, licking at her lips. I wasn't gentle; my hands gripped too tightly, my lips and tongue too rough.

But she met every advance I made. She arched against my body's every surge. Her fragile skin and bones were on fire…I could smell it. I could taste it. And all of it was too much. It was so fucking much because how was it possible that I was holding everything pure and perfect, everything so fucking right and beautiful in my arms?

I was no longer cursed.

I was fucking blessed.

"Bella," I whispered, pushing myself up above her and looking into her eyes. "I want to be with you…always. I'm asking you…_please_…I'm begging you to let me change you. Be with me forever."

She looked at me with all the love in the world and every inch of her beautiful body pulled to me…came to me.

Willingly.

She was going to come to me willingly. She was going to spend the rest of eternity in my arms…in my bed.

She was going to say yes.

And then she didn't.

"No."

The sound of her voice pushed through everything else. And even as she clung to me, even as she still pulled me closer to her, she told me no.

I stopped in an instant, my mind spinning with the realization that I had completely misread everything she'd said. And even though I shouldn't have been surprised at her answer…I was. I was stunned, shocked….completely and utterly destroyed.

I withdrew immediately, pulling back and giving her the space I was sure she needed. She'd said no, and I didn't understand how I was supposed to live the rest of my endless days…in this fucking never-ending life without her.

She was the reason I was here. It had been her all along. Fate decided so long ago that I would need to be changed in order to meet her. In order to love her.

And she said no.

It was all I could hear – a constant repetition in my mind.

_No._

_No._

_No._

My hands gripped the sheets beneath me, shredding them between my fingers. I was undeserving. I knew I was undeserving. Had known it all along. But she – she had always been constant in her love. Constant in her forgiveness. And fucking constant in her understanding.

And her no was unacceptable. She couldn't do this. Not after everything…after all that we had been through to get here. I couldn't live with her no.

And I could never live without her.

And I knew that she felt that way, too.

I fucking knew it with every single thing inside me.

"Bella," I whispered, trying to control the sheer panic I felt in my empty chest from her refusal. "You love me. I _know_ you love me."

"Oh, Edward," she cried, her voice breaking as she scrambled up to her knees. "I do. I love you so much."

"Why then?" I asked. "Why are you telling me no?"

I was afraid to look up. Afraid to meet her brown, beautiful eyes. I couldn't look at her again if rejection lay inside.

"Please," she whispered. "Please don't shut me out."

But wasn't that what she had done? Wasn't that exactly what she'd just done to me only moments before? When I'd laid my heart at her feet…and begged her to be with me forever.

"Please…please don't tell me no," I begged.

"Edward…it's not like that."

"Then what is it like?" I asked. "You have to tell me…to help me understand. Why? I know you love me. I feel it. I felt it before. You wanted to say yes."

I drew my eyes to hers and they were glassy and filled with tears. And her hand moved, barely reached out to me, before she threw herself across the small space into my arms. And I held her while she cried herself out.

"I love you, Edward…but it's…it's my parents," she whispered. "I know you'll think it's crazy, but you have to understand. I have spent every day since their death, hoping that one day…one day I'd be able to see them again. I don't know what I think about the afterlife…what happens when we die. Where we go. I don't know what to believe. But what if there's a chance? What if I could be with them again in…in heaven? I don't want to lose you, but I just…I don't know if I'm ready to lose them either."

And suddenly, all of it…every bit of her apprehension made sense to me. She was afraid of what changing would mean for her. I was like her in the sense that I didn't know what I believed in. If heaven and hell were actualities. I only knew that I understood what hell was to me. And my hell was existing on this earth before I knew her. Lonely and desperate and running. Absolute darkness. And even in the middle of the night, when I saw her in the street, she was the most beautiful light in the world.

She was heaven.

I didn't deserve the gift of her love, but she was mine. She belonged to me, and while I couldn't force her to choose an eternity with me, I could give her the only truth that I had.

"I don't know about heaven or hell, Bella," I told her before kissing her soft, welcoming lips. "And I hate that you never got to say goodbye to the people you loved most in the world. And I can't promise you – as much as I want to – that you would be able to see them again. But I can…I can promise you that I will love you forever. I will love you so much for every day of forever…and Bella, you will never have to be alone. No…you would _never_ have to be lonely again."

"Oh, Edward," she cried, pulling me close and burying her face in my neck.

"Please," I whispered again. "Please choose me. Please, choose this life with me."

I don't know how long we sat there. Time ceased to matter or exist. There was nothing but her. I had nothing without her. As blessed as I felt to have found Carlisle and Esme, it was all insignificant without her love and presence in my life.

She was my soul.

She was my mate.

She was my love.

To me, she was everything.

But if she said no, as much as it would have killed me, I would have walked away. For her happiness, I would endure the pain of forever without her. And it was then, when my resolve was set and unwavering, that she pulled back and looked into my eyes.

They were filled and shining with love.

And she said, "Yes."

~x~

~x~

~x~

Her undulating body underneath mine was perfect, beautiful…everything I could hope for. Her breath in my ear came in soft gasps. Warm and wet and wonderful. She was mine. She agreed to be mine.

"I love you," I whispered, having nothing else to give her. There were no other words worthy of the gift she was giving me. No words capable of describing what she meant to me. "I will always, always love you."

She pulled me down closer, making room for me between her spread thighs. My weight rested on top of her, and though she felt fragile, I knew how unbreakable she really was. How strong…how fucking courageous.

"Make love to me," she panted. "I need to feel you inside."

Her hand reached in between our bodies – so warm, as she took my solid length in her palm. My cock jerked as she stroked me.

Hot and needy.

Desperate and engorged.

"Anything."

She inflamed me, body and heart. She owned my every needless breath. She commanded my every single action.

Pushing up, I kneeled between her legs. She lay there on the bed open and wet and ready for me. Her body was perfect. Rosy and pink with the flush of her desire – the blood that pulsed in her veins. And soon, I would taste it. Soon, I would taste her…take her inside and make her my wife.

My mate.

My Bella.

I trailed one finger between the slippery lips of her perfect pussy. I remembered with each stroke the way she felt the first time I touched her…the first time I tasted her. She was everything soft and female…everything pure and good and light.

Her heat burned and soothed me simultaneously. And as I pushed a finger inside, her warm, wet body contracted, sucking me in deeper, pulling me in closer. All the way inside her. I could never get close enough. Even inside her, I would never be close enough.

And then it hit me.

This was really happening. She'd said yes. She was going to be mine forever. She was going change for me…with me.

Did she want it to be now?

My cock surged and my mouth flooded with venom at the thought.

Mine.

Her perfect legs were spread before me. The milky skin open and vulnerable. I could taste her. I could lap her pussy until she came on my tongue. Pulsing cream with her promise of forever. And then I could sink my teeth into the delectable flesh of her thigh. I could suck her blood, drink her in…even as I filled her with the burning essence of who I was.

Changing her.

Irrevocably.

Need consumed me. It was almost too much. My mouth was so full, I couldn't speak. Couldn't think. Not of anything that wasn't about her changing…of her being mine forever.

Swallowing thickly, the venom burned. And I looked down into her eyes that were open wide and responsive.

The question I wanted more than anything to ask, hung suspended on the tip of my tongue. And I was so desperate to know…but terrified of the answer.

"Now." My voice sounded foreign and pained. "Tell me you want this now."

And I realized it wasn't a question. Not really. It was a request. A demand. It was me fucking begging for her to agree. It had to be that moment. But the truth was that it had been every moment leading up to this. Every second of every moment had led me to her. To this.

Her eyes widened as she tensed.

"Now?" she asked softly. "You want to…you want to change me…now?"

My entire body tensed, but my heart, my being…everything melted and became liquid. I looked at her as softly as my hunger would allow. I tried to pour myself into her. So she would know. So she could finally understand. Her eyes softened, too. And when I looked into their deep brown depths, It struck me that she did. She must. She could hear my thoughts.

She needed to hear the words.

"I've wanted to change you since the first moment I felt you under my hands."

She drew a quick, gasping breath.

"I knew you were mine, then," I continued. "Even if I couldn't admit it to myself. Your mouth…your heart…your body called out to me, Bella. Even in your sleep."

"But not my blood," she said, her voice thick and beautiful…and filled with a desire that nearly crippled me.

"No," I told her. "Not your blood. Not in that way. You were such a mystery to me. Confounding…alluring. You were like a flame. And like a moth, I came to you. Utterly and completely enchanted."

She moaned, and then moved up. My mouth covered hers, taking in her breath, breathing in her scent.

"I remember," she breathed against my lips, her quivering body undulating under mine. "I thought you were my own erotic dream. I thought I'd created you in my mind. And you wanted me like…like I was the fire. _I had never been the fire_."

Something about her last words were wholly significant and entirely seductive.

"And yet," I pulled back so I could look at her. "And yet…you burned me so completely."

Her tongue traced the skin of my bottom lip, and then she whimpered before sucking it in her mouth. I was so lost to her in that moment. She could have asked anything of me – anything at all – and my mind and body would have complied. Her hand reached in between us again, stroking first, and then wrapping around my hard and aching erection that was so hungry for her.

I was fucking ravenous for her.

"And what about now?" she asked, her voice breathy yet determined.

"What?" I asked, clouded. I couldn't focus on anything except the feel of her beneath me, her hand hot and soft against my cock.

"My blood," she murmured, squeezing me tightly. "Does it call to you now?"

Her words were too much. Too aching and erotic to be true. Her thumb traced over the head of my cock. I could feel it pulse and twitch in her hand.

"Yes," I moaned, unable to stop myself. "But…but not in the way that you think."

I could feel myself leaking on her hand. Her fingers sliding down my length easily…hungrily.

"How?" she asked, her breath sweet and soft in my ear. "How then?"

"It calls to me because it's you," I said, forcing myself to say the words, when all I could do, all I could think about was the feeling of her hands on me. "It's who you are…what you're giving me. Your blood…it's…it's fucking everything. I want to taste you in my mouth…while I feel you around my cock."

She shuddered and moaned, her breath a hot tickle against my skin.

"And you," she panted. "You want me? Forever?"

"God, yes," I told her, thrusting up into her hand. "An eternity won't be long enough."

She bit down on her bottom lip, her heart-shaped face furrowing in thought. Her hand stilled on my cock, but still, she held onto me. Her heat searing me…the pulse in her fingers pressing in a steady beat against my head.

"What if…" she whispered, before trailing off. Her eyes dropped as she looked away from me. Scaring me.

"What?" I asked, panicked at the sudden change in her demeanor.

Her wide, brown eyes looked up at me again. They were wet now, and I could smell the salt of her tears.

"What if…what if you can't stop?" she whispered. "What if…you kill me?"

So quickly, it probably scared her, I took her in my arms, and flipped us both over. I was holding her in my arms while she straddled my lap. I needed to hold her for this. Her voice has trembled as she asked, I wanted her to feel safe while we talked.

"I won't," I whispered fiercely, begging her to believe my words. "I could never, Bella. I will never _ever_ hurt you."

"What if…what if you can't help it?" she asked. "What if you…lose control?"

As she spoke, she shifted her body, sliding her pussy over my still-erect cock. This tiny little moan escaped her lips. Almost like she couldn't help the way her body responded to mine. And I couldn't stop the groan that came from me, either. Even though she was scared, she was so wet, so perfect…so right in my arms.

"I won't," I assured her. "I couldn't. Bella, I have waited for you so long. I would never do anything to take you away from me."

I lowered my head, placing my lips against the rapid beat of her heart. I kissed her once, then opened my mouth and licked her softly, feeling her blood pulse under my tongue. And she was so hot. Her heat seared me every place her body touched mine.

Her hands found their way to my hair, winding in the strands, pulling gently and then pushing me closer to her.

Her beautiful body.

Her guarded heart.

"Forever."

The word falling from her lip was the only heaven I'd ever known or would need. She said it. It was a question, rather an admission of the truth. That this was forever.

We were forever.

"Always," I told her reverently, pulling back to look in her eyes. "It has always been you, Bella. It will always be you. Forever."

Tears welled and spilled, and I wanted to kiss each one of them away. I couldn't hear her thoughts, but I could feel the emotion pouring from every cell of her being. It reverberated in the soul she gave me. It filled the silent heart that loved her so loudly it almost shattered from its scream.

"Now?" she asked, sucking in a thin stream of air.

"Yes," I told her, my voice hoarse and broken. "Please, Bella…now. Today."

Her arms wrapped around my shoulders, her face buried in my neck. Her breath came out in small pants – warm and wet. My hands stoked the long length of her hair that fell in thick waves down her bare back.

"Will it hurt?" Her voice was so small, it wasn't even a whisper.

But I heard every word.

I pulled her closer, knowing that horrifying pain waited for her on the other side of what I was about to do. Wanting nothing more than to be able to protect her from it. But it was the only way I could keep her. It was the only way I could be with her always.

"It will," I told her. "It will be painful, but I'll be here. I'll never leave your side. I'll hold you until it's over…until your eyes open again and you come back to me."

"Will it be different for you?" she asked, licking her lips, and looking at me with eyes that held limitless questions.

I kissed her softly because I had to. Because I couldn't _not_ touch her, not connect to her.

"Will what be different?"

She kissed me softly again, the movement causing her to rub against my cock again. I felt the head slide between her lips as she settled there, clenching my firm flesh as she did.

"Me," she whispered. "Will I be different? Will this…" She moved deliberately; I stifled a moan. "Will this be different?"

"I don't know," I whispered. "I've never been with anyone else in this life. Only you. But I imagine that it must be. I won't be able to hurt you. I won't have to worry every moment that you'll bruise and break."

"You never hurt me," she murmured, her fingers trailing down my back. "Not once."

"I will _never_ hurt you," I promised.

I kissed her again. She opened her mouth to me and as my tongue pressed inside, I felt the sweet, slick of her pussy grow wetter. I felt it cover and coat me as I smelled how she wanted me in the air. I was overwhelmed at the way she loved me…still. After everything. After learning what I was. After I failed her with Jasper. The need to thrust up and inside her body grew with such intensity, I had to force myself to calm down.

"After this – after today – I will only ever love you," I swore. "And I will live every single day…exploring your mind…memorizing your body…tasting your pussy…and searching for ways to make you feel good."

And then she cried. She cried earnestly and openly. Her body shook and trembled in my arms. Her hand clutched and grasped at the marble of my skin.

I panicked.

And at the sound of her tears, I wanted to cry with her.

"Why Bella?" I asked, pulling back and searching her face. "Why are you crying?"

She only cried harder…she only cried more. And once I knew she didn't want to pull away, I only held her closer.

"You love me," she cried into my neck. "You really love me and want to keep me with you forever."

"Oh, god," I rasped, pulling her so tight against me, I was afraid I'd hurt her. "I do. I love you so much. Bella, you're my life…my…my everything."

"I've never had that," she told me, her voice softer, yet somehow more determined. "I've never had forever. Not the promise…or even the hope of it. After I…after I…_lost my parents_, I didn't think I ever would. Not anyone to love…to spend my forever with. And then there was you. And yes, you were scary. But you were also perfect. For me, you were perfect. You made me feel things I'd never felt. You made me do things I'd never done. And you helped me find strength I never knew I had. And now…"

She choked back another sob, as my infinite mind hopelessly tried to process her beautiful words.

"Now?" I asked.

"Don't you see, Edward?" she asked. "Don't you understand? You're here. And you're offering me forever. Actual forever. An eternity with you."

I took her face in my hands, holding her…staring at her.

"And it still won't be long enough."

I'd never meant anything more.

I'd never loved anyone more.

"I'm ready," she whispered. "I want to be yours. I want you to be mine."

If my heart could have beat, it would have pounded in my chest.

"No regrets?" I asked.

I had to give her the chance to back out.

I had to hear her say 'forever' one more time before she gave it to me.

"None," she whispered. "I will never regret you."

I pulled her to me, kissing her deeply…passionately. Pouring every single bit of my love and my need for her inside as I breathed her in and tasted her sweet mouth. Her lips were like mint and honey drenched in rain. And I drank until I was dizzy.

"Make love to me," I groaned against her mouth. "I need to feel you one more time before I take you…before I make you… Bella, please."

Without another word, just her eyes on mine, I watched as she pressed up on her knees. My cock slipped from her folds, but stood up and erect…and waiting to be sheathed inside. She reached down and grabbed my base, squeezing me hard just once before lowering her hot, drenched pussy onto me.

I couldn't focus on anything but her as she rode me slowly. Her face, her feel…her fucking smell. Everything about her was sublime. Every part of her being was transcendent.

_She was heaven. _

_And she was mine._

I whispered to her as she took me inside over and over. I told her how much I loved her. How she saved me. How she'd taken me from the darkness and finally, _finally_ shown me light. How she made me remember the man I was supposed to be.

I talked of our future. Of endless nights and days of making love…of exploring the world she'd never really seen. I told her how precious she was to me. And how I would cherish and protect her every single moment of our forever.

I felt her body begin to tremble. I could feel the tension inside her as she fucked me so softly…so desperately. My eyes fell to her throat, zoned in on the beautiful beat of her pulse. And my mouth filled with venom…and I let it.

I fucking welcomed it.

_Pulsing._

_Beating._

_Pulsing._

_Beating._

"Tell me," I begged her, my voice desperate and broken.

"I love you," she cried.

"I love you, too."

Her heart pounded frantically. I cherished it…I loved it. It was the last time it would beat like this. It was the last time her skin would flush with desire. It was the last time I would hold her…fragile and breakable in my hands.

But it was the beginning of every single first in our new life together.

"Come," I whispered as I felt her begin to contract around me. "Come on my cock, Bella. Come all over me. "

"Forever," she cried, shattering all around me, as I fell to pieces underneath her.

And like she knew – like she fucking knew – she tilted her head to the side, exposing her flawless, white neck. Giving herself to me entirely.

Perfectly.

Beautifully.

"Forever," I whispered, closing my eyes as my open mouth pressed against her skin.

~x~

~x~

~x~

**A/N**

**Reviews are love.**

**Please leave me some.**

**Thank you for the love and support for this story. And thank you for your patience as you waited on updates. The words weren't always easy to find. But it was important to me that the words were always right.**

**Marvar, thank you for being my best friend, my beta...the reason I smile on multiple occasions throughout the day. None of this would be possible without you. And you continuously make my writing better.**

**Raina, Courtney and Laura…thank you for pre-reading and being just amazing in general. I love adore you all.**

**Thanks and love to Caren and ltlerthqak who were also a huge support to me during this story as well. I love and adore you both more than you know.**


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